my mind is churning
but my paper is blank
how could you
how could you
how could you
i need you
i need you
i need you
why did you ignore me but keep talking to her
why didnt you tell me what happened
why am i not enough
i need you

Some days-
I am made of
defective stardust and sadness.
I am all the leftovers
the broken bits and
torn up afterthoughts
all smushed together.
I am queen of the pile
marked "to be trashed"
And-
I am ruler of
the misfit oddities.
I am a collection of puzzle pieces
not meant to fit
but yet shoved together
creating jagged edges and
lumps sticking out all over.
My skin is rough as sandpaper
and my voice a harsh bray.
I am meant to be tagged
"50% off"
because I sell my own self short.
I am a singer without a voice
and an artist with no inspiration.
I am no ones favorite.
Nor what comes to mind when
you're asked
"who makes you happiest?"
I am the leftover food
forgotten
at the back of the refrigerator.
And I am everything lost under the bed
collecting dust and cobwebs.
But other days-
I am a goddess in my own skin.
I make flowers smile
and oceans laugh.
I am made of the Milky Way
and all your favorite constellations.
I am six feet of
gloriousness.
And you can't help
but notice me glow.
I wish-
all my days were spent this way.
But there is no house
without a basement.
Or bright days
without some shadows.
So I just have to remind myself
on the days I spend
more often than not
alone, and toxic.
That tomorrow will be better.
And I'll find my beauty again.

I have lived seventeen years, but I do not know how many more
I will last through
I am not an adult, yet I am treated like one
and punished just the same
I do not want or deserve these responsibilities, but like an adult
I have no choice
I am not an adult, but still I must turn a brave face
and hold back my fears

I am still a child, scared,
alone
Trapped behind a facade of serenity
At night I shed this skin and scream out silently
as to not disturb my jailors
I am still a child, hurting,
confused
I crave rewards and positive gestures
Not these broken hearts
and scattered pill bottles

I am not an adult, but I must meet the
expectations of one

I am still a child, lost,
cold

The constant stream of slamming doors
and shouting echos
washes over me
I am losing my grasp

I am not an adult, but they expect me
to stay afloat

I am still a child, and I
cannot swim

there are burn holes in my skin where you touched me
i wish i could rid your smell
from my clothes
but it clings on like
cigarette smoke to my hands
i want to drink 6 cups of bleach
and brush my teeth with powdered lye
but even that wont scrub you
from the walls of my heart
i dont even love you anymore
but yet here you are
still haunting me
everywhere i go
you follow
and everywhere i hide
you find me
leave me alone
leave me alone
leave me
alone

you are a virus
coursing through my body
i am being infiltrated by your infection
i want to purge you from my system
the way i do with the contents of my stomach
and the blood from my veins

the mere thought of your existence
sends my heart into a deadly frenzy
if i were to be hooked up to a monitor
its pace is that of a stampede of shell shocked horses
who's hooves pound their way into my skull
creating intricate spider webs of cracks throughout

i feel coated in your intoxicating scent
sticky, sickly sweet
invading my cells
i am plagued by you
the thought of you
the smells tastes and touches of you

no matter how long i sit
emptying my feelings into the toilet
and no matter how deep i cut
with the razor sharp edge of your existence
you will still be there
haunting me
for you have found a way
to tinge me and
to alter my very dna

If I were to have a daughter
I would name her Nova
and I would want her to know
that she, a star reborn
is more powerful than anything
Once the universe collapses
and the dust floats down to earth
It collects back together
and creates her
The stars live in her skin
and the moon cascades from her hair
She is the sky condensed
and is not just any girl

I have crafted a glass orb
around myself
It floats
on the sea with me, inside
A hurricane rages
and
I watch on as it rocks me to and fro
The wind screams  
churning the waters
As faceless figures rise
from the depths
to pound against my shell
Searching for the safety of my shelter
I see their bodies morph
into those that I know
The blank faces mold
into recognition
Now my loved ones claw at the glass
Their nails scratching
and picking away
at my serenity
Their combined efforts start to crack the glass
Water rushes in and engulfs me
I am no longer safe
From my bubble of peace to the angry waters
We all drown
together