I wish I could sleep.
Days on end
an endless cycle
no waking at all.

Maybe when I'd wake up
the world would change
to something better
I'd be better.

I wish Rip Van Winkle
would give me advice
I can't seem to sleep
even if I try.

It makes me feel worse
the fact when I am awake
the people I love
are just asleep.

They are not conscious
While I am stuck alert
Not knowing why
I can't just sleep.

Sleeping for a long while
would be a gift to me
Not waking every few hours
like a newborn child.

If I did sleep for a time
I wonder what I'd miss
I fear I'd miss so much
Wake up and everything gone

I know it's strange
Unusually sad
I wish to sleep
But fear time passing

I hate waking
in the middle of the night
I hate sleeping
when I'd miss everything

The conundrum of it all
Fearing sleep yet need it
I must sleep.
Wish me luck.

I am afraid to show
how depressed I really am.
Because I know people don't believe.
Because I've lied for so long.
I don't need to try.

I know it won't work.
I know people won't believe.
That's unfortunate because it hurts.
It hurts because I'm alone.
It's not worth a try.

I know I'm damaged,
don't remind me.
I'll never be whole
at least I don't think so.

To be whole
I'd have to forgive.
I don't know
If I'll ever be able to.

Forgive everything that has happened
Forgive everyone that has wronged me

I don't think I can
I want to
I want to try to let go
But when I think I'm past it
When I think I'm going to be okay
Something happens
and brings me
back.

I work
and work
and work
so hard to not fall
to not fall into depression
to not let myself fall
but it's hard.

When you've been depressed
most of your life
it's hard to not be.

It's easier to give in
easier than working to be happy
because I have to work to be happy
I have to work to feel joy.
I don't think
that's how it should be.

I know no one cares
whether I am happy or not
they ask
I lie
it's dropped.

No work required
when no one cares.

I'm not an award winner
Those days are long gone
I'm just a simple person
Working a mundane job.

The days I do work
I see lives shuffle past
A businessman from Boston
a trucker hauling an empty home.

This man here, he is unclean
He bathes at the park
He can't afford utilities
He lives alone, off scrap.

The lady from the bank
I have her usual ready
Two cookies, in a napkin
for when she arrives.

This man here, always so rude.
I try to force a kind smile
ring up his food
feeling disgusted by his looks.

This girl, always in alone.
We're supposed to watch her
she steals
But I always treat her with kindness.

The people who deserve kindness
I find are from a checkered past.
Why should they get unkindness
from someone they don't even know.

But this job is bland
No one really cares who I might be.
Just the girl behind the counter,
ringing them up and cooking.

I try to clean up after others
smiling all the way
but some people wear it down.
My kindness has bounds.

I never take it out
on the customers coming in
I keep it to myself
letting it grow.

My heart burns
my jaw clenched
stomach turning
head pounding.

I feel the anger flare
I choke it back down.
No one here deserves it
so I bear it alone.

But it's just a boring job
in my now adult life.
I suppose I should be happy
to not be unemployed.

We are born
blank slates.
We know nothing of this
hate filled world
this love filled world
this world itself
is mystery.
I see my niece
she is not two months
but I fear for what she will
soon experience.
I want to build
a better world.
to keep her safe
to keep her 8
almost 9! year old sister
safe.

But I fear the fight
is just too great.
To go against
all the world has thrown.
To go against
all that I must take.
I can't fight
this battle alone.
I **** it with kindness.
Kindness to strangers
hoping that they will
do the very same.
hoping they will
take up the reigns
fight this battle
with me
today.

Because a better tomorrow
is all I ask.
A better tomorrow
for the children.
It's too late
for my generation.
We know the fear
of terrorists.
of the economy.
of each other.
of drugs.
of guns.
of people who are
"different".
And so on...
But I wish that we
as a whole
as a generation
as a people
as a global community
can look past what we had
can look past what we want
to be kind to one another
to be kind for the future.
Because that's all I ask
do something kind
be someone kind
do kind works.

I know that it goes
against some people's
very nature.
to be kind
to do kindness.
but that is part of the battle.
that is part of our fight.
fight ourselves
internally
no each other
to do kindness
to help the world.

This may seem
just another preachy
overly optimistic poem.
But I have known abuse
unkindness, terror
pain and heartbreak.
If I can work past it,
I believe you can too.

Why am I awake?
Allah
God
Zeus
What have you!
Why am I awake,
at this ungodly hour?
I toss
I turn
Blanket on
Blanket off
Forgot the light
Forgot a water
Always something.
Back to bed
Still awake.
Why can't I sleep?
Take a pill
Can't fall asleep
It escapes me
Take another
Wide awake
This world won't
let me sleep.
Among other things.
Again awake.
No good spot
Take another
Forget this
I can't sleep
I give up
I'll watch TV
I'll text dead air
Take another
pill or two.

I would like a place
to write all my thoughts.
But  no
Of course not.

Can I just find a place
Where I can type
and write
and think.

But no.
Nowhere from
the prying eyes
of people I know.

Of course not
Why try?
When those eyes
seem to seek me.

Just leave me be
stop reading me
This is my place
to be at peace.

I want to write
what I write
without you knowing
everything and it all.

But no
Even here
Those listening ears
do hear.

I need someone
or something
to confide in
and find solace.

I try
and try
to find a safe place
a haven

But it all gets taken
by those I know.
because once someone knows
it is no longer safe.

I sigh
I move on
Try another place
or two.

I tried a journal
a diary
all those menial things
that take time.

It doesn't work
I'm alone
with my thoughts
and that's all.