I think
I'm in love.

I don't mean
the romantic kind.

I'm in friend love.

Does that make sense?
No?
Okay.

I feel disjointed.
I feel out of place.

I'm in friend love.
I'm in love with the idea
of being friends.

Does that make
a little sense?
Maybe?
Okay.

I absolutely
positively
want to be friends
with someone.

This makes more
sense,
right?
A little?

I still feel
out of sorts.

Does this make sense?
Maybe more so?
Good.

I'm in friend love.
In love with the idea of
being someone's friend.

This makes more sense.
Yes?
Good?
Okay.

Something is
pushing me.
To be friends with
someone.

I think
I'm in love.
But not romantically.

Understand?

I try to feel
happy
I try to feel
glad

I try so hard.

I hide
the pain
I hide
the hurt

I hide it all.

I can't do it.
It hurts.
I can't hide it.
The pain.

I know I should be
happy.
I know I should be
glad.

I know I should.

I push it away.
The pain.
I push it away.
The hurt.

What do I do?
What should I say?
What can I do?

I cannot ask for
help
I cannot ask for
aid

I just can't.

Doing this?
Writing this?
It's not a plea.
This is a form
of expression.

I can express
how I feel.
I can express
what I feel.

Out there?
In the real world?
It is not
possible.

People talk over
me.
People walk over
me.

I do not
understand.
I do not
comprehend.

Why can't I?
Why couldn't I?

I do not understand;
the pain that I feel.
I try to comprehend,
but that doesn't help.

I try to live
in blissful
ignorance.

Ignorance of
my past.
Ignorance of
my life.

If I can make myself
forget
If I can make myself
stop

Does that make it
less real?
Does that make it
fake?

No.
The pain is here.
No.
The hurt is here.

Forgetting
doesn't stop it.
Forgetting
will never stop it.

Yes.
I will fight it.
Yes.
I will try to win.

Remembering
admitting it happened.
Remembering
knowing it was real.

I can work past.
The pain.
I can work past.
The hurt.

I can.
I will.
Why not?

I attached myself
to you.

I wish I hadn't.

I picked you
out of many.

I wish I hadn't.

I felt we could be
friends.

I wish I hadn't.

That friendship
blossomed.

I wish it hadn't.

Our feelings
changed.

I wish they hadn't.

We fell away
from each other.

I wish we hadn't.

I hurt you
you hurt me.

I wish we hadn't.

Now all I can do
is silently weep.

I wish I didn't.

Now all this pain
just festers.

I wish it didn't.

What happened to
friendship?
Can't we go back?

I wish we could.

What happend to
happiness?
Can't it return?

I wish it would.

It seems too late
to be friends again.

I wish it didn't.

So here I say
I love you.

I wish I hadn't.

So here I say
I miss you.

I wish I didn't.

So here I say
good-bye.

I wish I wouldn't.

Before you can say
good-bye.

I wish you wouldn't.

Because our
friendship
has lost us.

I wish it didn't.

Because my
friendship
is retracted.

I wish it hadn't.

Because my
heart
can't take it.

I wish it shouldn't.

Because I hurt you
so you hurt me.

I wish we didn't.

I miss you.
You were my
best friend.

I wish you are.

But it's too late for
friendship.

I wish it wasn't.

Because it's time to say
good-bye.

Snip.
  Slice.
    Hack.
      Slash.
        Stab.

Words
that describe something
I used to do

Cutting.
What people call it
What people demonize

Cutter.
What people called me
Who people pitied

Cuts.
What I can still see
What still bothers me

Cut.
What the act of it is
What I want to do

Cut.
Something I didn't do
for attention

Cuts.
Things I made
out of sheer anguish

Cutter.
Something I became
to channel my agony

Cutting.
Something I still fight
because I want to.

No
You probably don't understand.
Yes
You are probably judging me
No
It doesn't matter, but
Yes
It does affect me

Channeling pain
from my heart
to my
leg
arm
wrist
ankle
Numbs what I feel
Takes away that pain
for a little bit

I am ashamed
but I'm trying to
move on

But every time
something happens
I get stressed out
I feel hurt
         I just want to
         reach for that knife

        Stab.
      Slash.
    Hack.
  Slice.
Snip.

Scar.­
Something that can't
be taken away

Scars.
Things that mar my body
that can be seen

Scarring.
This is what happened
after all the cuts

Scars.
Things I am ashamed of
that can't be hidden

Scar.
Something that sticks around
longer than all the hurt

Cut.
Scar.
Pain.
They work together
but not independently.

Not all cuts, scar
not all cuts, cause pain

But most of my pain
caused cuts

Most of my cuts
caused scars

And most of my scars
cause shame.

Is it so wrong
to want to try something new?

Is it so wrong
to want to try something bad?

Is it so wrong
to want to do something bad?

Is it?

I just want to try
something dangerous.

I just want to try
something harmful.

I just want to try
something.

Is that so
weird?

I want to have new
experiences.

Open my mind to
new possibilities.

I want to be safe
but it should be fine.

Should I?
Shouldn't I?

Is it so wrong to
want to try something?

Just a little dangerous
a little harmful.

Is it
so wrong?

I need a rush
some adrenaline.

I need to relax
and calm my mind.

Is it so wrong
to want to try?

Something new
something cool

Something good
that's actually bad

Bad by societies standards
but good by my own

What happened to
open mindedness?

What happened to
acceptance?

Why can't I do this
of all things?

As soon as someone
finds out.

I'll be judged
but I want to try.

I want to try
something new.

Something bad.

Something good.

Just something.

I remember darkness
Feeling alone
Not knowing what to do
Not knowing if I should tell

Cramped in a small space
Maybe with someone else
But mostly not
I was alone

I did something
anything
I don't know
But I was alone

I tried to ask why
but I was greeted
with only hurt
and pain

I was alone
because I wasn't alike
I wouldn't let things go
I wouldn't say, "Ok"

It was dark
It was small
I was scared
I was alone

I told no one
I don't know why
I just didn't
It's how it worked

I would go everyday
Don't know why
I didn't even try
to say anything

If that day
I was even worse
I felt the sting
of a belt

It hurt
physically
emotionally
everything

I don't know why
I didn't say
anything
ever

I remembered
Later
In high school
I don't know why

I had counseling
depression
medication
and the like

It was hard
I'm still coping
But I can't
forget

I will not write love poetry
But love, I do feel

Don't take it personally
If I don't say I love you

Because I just can't
I just can't do it

I have difficulty
Expressing my love

You see what I write
But that's here

You see what I've written
That's only here

I don't let others read
Everything I write

Honestly I'd like
a personal life

Something that isn't
Out for my friends

I love them
But still

I'm a solitary creature
by habit and conditioning

I'd rather have someplace
where I can feign singularity

Everything has been found out
Things I'd rather not say

But it's too late to stop
what has already been seen

It's too late it seems
to live a life of solo

I have people who care
and I care for them

It's refreshing
I guess

But again
I want singularity

Time alone
from the world

But it's okay
I love them

They mean the best
They love me too

It's fine
It's great

Singularity
for care

I think
it's an even trade