I stood by as you fell apart
and held your hand
and caught all your broken pieces
only to find
you couldn't be put back together
at least not by me.

'To whom it concerns'
Is how i plan to start it
16 and the end.

I feel so
Hopeless nowadays.
Maybe its because
The rain replaced the sun
Or the dark replaced the light,
Too early for goodnight.

Im not myself anymore,
S
  L
    I
     P
        P
          I
            N
                G
Silently.

I dont want to see my friends,
Go to school,
Come back from school.
I cant
Focus
My grades are dying,
Too many people crying
It should only be me.
I never have energy
Anymore.
Too drained even at the beginning of a new day
To smile
To put on blush.
So i stop wearing
And i stopped caring.

I walk
Like a zombie.
Same expression pasted on my pale face,
Stiff grin,
Too fake.
Like plaster
But the mold is starting to break.
And with every crack,
I make a line
And every line,
It turns back time
To when i was happy
And this whole thing,
When this wasnt me.
But now it is?
I cant tell.

You cause pain to yourself
In more ways than
1
All the time
Without even realizing it.

Every time I warn you
Sheepishly
I can feel
You getting weaker
Your responses shorter
And the lone little light
Shining
In your heart
Getting dimmer.

Because the more you want to become stronger,
The more you give up inside
With all the stinging
Nonsense
You feed yourself.

I can feel you trying,
For me and him,
And i can feel you
So close
Like a kids game
A
Hold-your-breath contest
And you lose 2 seconds
Too late.

I know you can do it
I know how much you want it
I know how much you need it
But really
I dont know half of it.
How much you arent telling me
Because your afraid it will send me
Spiraling
Faster.

Ive tried so hard
And so have you
And i'll keep trying
Till the day I die
Or you
Whichever comes faster.
But the day you or I die,
Is the day i stop trying
And i hope you know that.

Today, i found myself outside of the
Drugstore.
Even the name has a dark connotation,
Like most things,
If you really think about it.
A store for drugs.
Now yet another thing that is made
For serious purposes
Is romanticized
By todays society.

I wasnt there to buy
Candy
Or makeup
Or toiletries
Like i probably shouldve been.
I was there for one thing,
And one thing only.

I headed into the stationary and
Household tools section,
Hoping to find the tiny bit of relief
Hanging off a shelf,
With my name carved into
The glinting metal,
Not unlike what i would be using it for.

But instead,
All i found were
Paperclips
And thumbtacks
And safety pins.
But i had hoped to escalade from that,
These innocent desk drawer tools.  

I didnt pick them up.
Did i want to?
Yes.
Do i have to?
Im not sure.
But i didnt.
And thats good enough for me.

i won't let your
beautiful words and
pretentious thoughts paint pretty pictures
on the insides on my eyelids like your
tabs and bars do for you
even if the colors are warm and bright and new and
it feels soft and numb like
i want to stay here forever
i wont

You really want it
And you're so close
you can feel it.

You're breaking through,
Breaking free of the chains
Binding you.

Its a game you're about to win,
I'll be the proud audience
Ever cheering,
rooting for you.

You're almost
Victorious

You gave me
Callouses
On my heart.
Spots that you roughed up enough
Frequently
That they stayed permantently hardened
Untouchable
An instinct defense now.

Every time we would grow apart,
These callouses would disappear a little
Everyday.
I was stupid for letting these callouses
Become tender.
For letting my gaurd down so that
Every time you gave me that quick, sly grin
I would have to build those calouses up again.
I could either
Thank you,
For making me so strong,
Or despise you,
For making me so weak.

Today is Wednesday.
And it wont be in exactly
45 minutes.
Lets make Wednesday last.

I dont know what to believe anymore
I dont know what you arent telling me
And it scares me.
I know youre worried
And i know you care
But  i just wish
That you could be honest
Because
I dont know what to believe anymore.

The things i dont know wont hurt me
Is what youre thinking
But its the opposite.
These white lies are anything but white
In the form of pink lines
Sometimes red
Tracing up
Arms
Legs
Waist
Thighs
Places (you think) arent visible
You hope.

Others might buy the cheap
"Im fine."
But i know better.
When the strained, tight smile
Doesnt reach your clear eyes
I know better.

Be honest.