Today, i found myself outside of the
Drugstore.
Even the name has a dark connotation,
Like most things,
If you really think about it.
A store for drugs.
Now yet another thing that is made
For serious purposes
Is romanticized
By todays society.

I wasnt there to buy
Candy
Or makeup
Or toiletries
Like i probably shouldve been.
I was there for one thing,
And one thing only.

I headed into the stationary and
Household tools section,
Hoping to find the tiny bit of relief
Hanging off a shelf,
With my name carved into
The glinting metal,
Not unlike what i would be using it for.

But instead,
All i found were
Paperclips
And thumbtacks
And safety pins.
But i had hoped to escalade from that,
These innocent desk drawer tools.  

I didnt pick them up.
Did i want to?
Yes.
Do i have to?
Im not sure.
But i didnt.
And thats good enough for me.

Even scars will heal
Though the memories will last
You will find peace soon

i see red everywhere and
a month ago i would have wanted it all over
but now the red is you

have you ever noticed
that when people stare out the window on a bus or train or car or plane
that their eyes follow every single detail at a whiplash inducing speed
but their head stays put?
it's like they're mesmerized by something, something no one else can see
and they have to stare, unblinkingly
so it doesn't disappear.
their eyes flit back and forth like someones head, while watching a tennis match.
they rarely blink
until they tear their eyes away,
close
sleepy, unfocused suddenly
and stare straight ahead,
like nothing happened.
**recovery

You cause pain to yourself
In more ways than
1
All the time
Without even realizing it.

Every time I warn you
Sheepishly
I can feel
You getting weaker
Your responses shorter
And the lone little light
Shining
In your heart
Getting dimmer.

Because the more you want to become stronger,
The more you give up inside
With all the stinging
Nonsense
You feed yourself.

I can feel you trying,
For me and him,
And i can feel you
So close
Like a kids game
A
Hold-your-breath contest
And you lose 2 seconds
Too late.

I know you can do it
I know how much you want it
I know how much you need it
But really
I dont know half of it.
How much you arent telling me
Because your afraid it will send me
Spiraling
Faster.

Ive tried so hard
And so have you
And i'll keep trying
Till the day I die
Or you
Whichever comes faster.
But the day you or I die,
Is the day i stop trying
And i hope you know that.

And you made me
Hate the sun
Because people are trained to fear the unknown
Unless you open your arms to it
But you blocked my view.

You really want it
And you're so close
you can feel it.

You're breaking through,
Breaking free of the chains
Binding you.

Its a game you're about to win,
I'll be the proud audience
Ever cheering,
rooting for you.

You're almost
Victorious

You gave me
Callouses
On my heart.
Spots that you roughed up enough
Frequently
That they stayed permantently hardened
Untouchable
An instinct defense now.

Every time we would grow apart,
These callouses would disappear a little
Everyday.
I was stupid for letting these callouses
Become tender.
For letting my gaurd down so that
Every time you gave me that quick, sly grin
I would have to build those calouses up again.
I could either
Thank you,
For making me so strong,
Or despise you,
For making me so weak.

Today is Wednesday.
And it wont be in exactly
45 minutes.
Lets make Wednesday last.

I dont know what to believe anymore
I dont know what you arent telling me
And it scares me.
I know youre worried
And i know you care
But  i just wish
That you could be honest
Because
I dont know what to believe anymore.

The things i dont know wont hurt me
Is what youre thinking
But its the opposite.
These white lies are anything but white
In the form of pink lines
Sometimes red
Tracing up
Arms
Legs
Waist
Thighs
Places (you think) arent visible
You hope.

Others might buy the cheap
"Im fine."
But i know better.
When the strained, tight smile
Doesnt reach your clear eyes
I know better.

Be honest.