I dont know what to believe anymore
I dont know what you arent telling me
And it scares me.
I know youre worried
And i know you care
But  i just wish
That you could be honest
Because
I dont know what to believe anymore.

The things i dont know wont hurt me
Is what youre thinking
But its the opposite.
These white lies are anything but white
In the form of pink lines
Sometimes red
Tracing up
Arms
Legs
Waist
Thighs
Places (you think) arent visible
You hope.

Others might buy the cheap
"Im fine."
But i know better.
When the strained, tight smile
Doesnt reach your clear eyes
I know better.

Be honest.

You cause pain to yourself
In more ways than
1
All the time
Without even realizing it.

Every time I warn you
Sheepishly
I can feel
You getting weaker
Your responses shorter
And the lone little light
Shining
In your heart
Getting dimmer.

Because the more you want to become stronger,
The more you give up inside
With all the stinging
Nonsense
You feed yourself.

I can feel you trying,
For me and him,
And i can feel you
So close
Like a kids game
A
Hold-your-breath contest
And you lose 2 seconds
Too late.

I know you can do it
I know how much you want it
I know how much you need it
But really
I dont know half of it.
How much you arent telling me
Because your afraid it will send me
Spiraling
Faster.

Ive tried so hard
And so have you
And i'll keep trying
Till the day I die
Or you
Whichever comes faster.
But the day you or I die,
Is the day i stop trying
And i hope you know that.

"Im gonna do it."
We made a pact
And i kept it.

They're more frequent now,
Im afraid
You might not be able to handle it.

I try not to lie,
But sometimes
I can't not.

progression

Philips head
2 tiny screws
Sore thumbs and index
Slice
Water running
Cold and wet
Goosebumps on split skin
Ice down the drain
Swirling red and pride.

I tell you not to care.
I don't.

Everyones a hypocrite:
*don't give up

killing myself from the outside in
or maybe
inside out
i can't remember anymore
all i feel is numb

I have a friend, I dont know why.
But she looks in the mirror, and starts to cry.
She doesn't see herself as you or i.
So then i ask her,
"Why?"

And so she says,
After a deep breath,
About her past,
That lays at rest.

She's been scarred,
Above the rest.
Because of things
That aren't the best.

How can people be so cruel?
Cruel enough to make her ask herself,
"Why am I still alive?"

As she picks up the blade
please put down the knife
And thinks of all the pain,
And so much strife.
don't end your life

She contemplates just
How much it would hurt,
But it would be the very last time,
Before she's in the dirt.

And she's done it before,
Many a time,
So now it doesn't hurt,
She isn't even crying.

But I am,
As she tells me,
And today I still cry,
To think of what would have happened
If she had died.

And I know that
Everyday
On the bus home,
She clenches the chair,
To keep her in her zone.
As she passes the store,
Where she used to buy knives.

Everyday that she stays,
Is a day she has strength,
Not to get off that bus,
And go to great lengths.

But every time she gets off
Almost ends her life.

She's tried to get better,
Believe me she's tried.
Just nothing is working,
And so she just lies.

She takes all the pills,
Sometimes too many,
She goes to the sessions,
Trust me, there are plenty.

And despite all the
Pain and the darkness and the sad,
She keeps on going,
Even through the bad,
And I know she is strong.

And even though she is with us,
I know that inside,
Every day she is pushing,
Is a day she has died.