my arm is numb
my fingers tingly

i think this must be
a friendly reminder of my
mortality

gently, i respond
"no need, sir
i am a walking
existential crisis

fear of death
and i are well
acquainted"

running away
into
a maladaptive dream
impulsively
searching for more
dopamine

forgetting to
mourn
the losses and
discarding
all the old
belongings

playing pretend
ignoring
heart and soul
shredded
to pieces once
again

an opening cabinet reveals
my lunchbox is a shelf too high

i will admit,
a couple of things come to mind

i must have left it on the counter
for i cannot reach that top shelf

you must have placed it up there
finding me too much of a mess

i work to keep this roof above us
but all you see is where i fail 

and when i don't meet your standards
you always make certain i'm aware

i sink into stability 
trying to push away the idea
that despite myself
i may float to the surface
finding i am no longer immersed
the chaos and uncertainty
a landscape i can't escape
wet drops of peace sliding off my skin
evaporating into my surroundings
as if they had never been

i can reprise the things that you've done
the places you've been
the songs that you've sung 

to disclose my own musings
would be another story indeed
for i feel quite cozy staying discreet

"Good Morning,"
says the heart to me
already in a race
"Is it?" I ask,
adrenaline presenting
a very different case

a whisper to the side
a tingle up my spine
a teleprompter in my head
that i forgot to mind

you cross my mind so often
i sit and watch you do it
no wonder i don't find my way to yours
i can't seem to move

1am, your floppy hair, freshmen on the dorm floor
debating theology as if we knew what it was
and i saw your mind, but i also saw something more

and i saw you all over
in colorful flowers, sunny days, old churches
i heard your voice
while watching anime or listening to tales of ole'
and sometimes even when i sat alone

your endless search for perfection intimidated me 
building up a dream of a woman
i'm not sure either of us will ever meet
and i wasn't her
i knew i never would be

but i remained in your orbit nonetheless
desperately compartmentalizing my heart from my head
as if friendship was enough
as if i wasn't in love

and i wrote about you anyway
as if our story could end happily
rain boots dancing in a puddle
a jubilee of you and me

when i finally said the words to you
i made them so much smaller
"i have feelings"
the confession of a coward

and as you answered my exclamation with a question mark
i retreated
maybe friendship is enough
maybe i'm not in love 

you wanted to know you meant something
but i kept my breaking heart to myself
trying to salvage what we were
hoping my declaration hadn't destroyed it 

but i was destroyed
and i had been so good at hiding it all away
that i still sometimes find another broken piece
the remnants of rejection
the love i can't quite extinguish

if i were a botanical
i wouldn't be a rose
perhaps a surprise
bearing in mind my thorns

the difference is the gray, really 
you'll find me wilting in its' misty dew
almost as if i've forgotten
the edict of a proper bloom 

roses do not grapple with this
simply sprouting vivid hues
i fear my skin blanches 
while comparing what we do

one consolation perhaps
(although i'll never be so sweet)
at least my scent remains verifiably
despite the names i keep

alright, so i'm transparent
pellucid in my manner
conclusively transpicuous
diaphanous from skin to heart
unequivocally seen

ordinarily paranormal
in multiple realms of existence
just a ghost they say
but i feel it in this dimension
fading in and out repeatedly
hello goodbye hello again
chilling my bones with this feeling
this haunt has just begun

You loved me like the sun
always expecting to be burned
hiding away in the shade of your mind
but desperately needing my warmth
just the same

You loved me like the moon
dancing at my fullest
forgetting me at my dimmest
expecting my tides to take you
farther than they could

You loved me like the stars
a light that you could see
but never understand
the mysteries of my galaxy
questions you'd never thought to ask

You loved me through a telescope
marveling from afar
the vastness of my universe
yet, as you zoomed in closer
you found I wasn't much at all

lover of wisdom
tell me why i am

the questions burning in you
were preeminently mine

i want to ask
with answers eluding
how my atoms decide to form
fluid, and yet, unrelentingly still 

if i was meant to
or simply incidentally,
precisely where i am 

decisions fabricated or
perhaps options abundant
as i dwell in my head

to have a thought like you
      replacing
      or reshaping
my brain forming in my hands
      just clay
and your voice is heard
      but only ever following mine
what I would give to hear without uttering a sound
      chitter
      or chatter
words flowing from my lips
      stealing my breath
a pursuit I never win