"Be happy." They say.
I can't.
"At least pretend to be."
Why?
"Because no one likes a sad person."
Oh

Its a new year.
A new beginning.
A clean slate.

So
Why do I feel so exhausted from breathing?

Let me fathom my fear into words.
I'm scared I'll always be alone
because I still haven't met someone
who simply gives a ****.

You were my cup of tea
But I drink ***** now.

"Be a good girl"
"Don't play around with boys, and don't be played around by them"
"Learn how to cook and clean"
"Study every minute of your life so you can get a well paying job"

Listen here,
I am not happy!
I have broken down more than you can imagine.
I have been suffering with depression for 4 years!
4 years!
Imagine the constant pain and agony I have been enduring from not being able to share my burdens with you

I have been used and abused so many times.
I have hated myself as a sister, a daughter, a friend, and most importantly a woman.
I have attempted suicide and the only person who cared enough was my 2 year old sister.

You remind me everyday how I cannot confide in you,
How I cannot need you for emotional support as my parents
How I cannot cry on your shoulders
Because I will be brutally castigated for being as broken as I am.

in my darkest times, although I didn't turn to boys, alcohol or drugs,
I found comfort in depression,
I found comfort in drowning
Because I could not find comfort in you.

If you had taken the time to talk to me about anything either than my grades.
If you had taken the time to thoroughly look at me.
Look at me as your baby girl.
Your baby girl that you held for the first time and vowed to protect and aid 'till your dying day.

I choose to take a break from being in the house for a few days
Because I need a break from people who do not take note of the unhappiness that overwhelms me.

For once, I just want to break down in your arms without being in fear that I will be the enemy in the house.

It has been hard to feel like I'm enough for even myself because
I have never, and will never feel like I am enough for you guys.
And Everyday I'm reminded of how I have failed you as a daughter.

I'm not an artist but I've opened up galleries with your name painted all over the walls

my soul is still getting used to sensing hesitation in his words
sometimes i wonder why we can't be together
at first i blamed myself
i always blame myself
but  i've come to a conclusion -
it is in fact my fault
it definitely isn't his
that i am a dreamer living in a reality of nightmares
and that the meanings behind my words are often too dense to comprehend
so his lips and mine can no longer speak common sense
our circles forming awkward edges to avoid overlap
like oil and water and we can never become one

and I said to myself, "you're going to be
alone now."
and that it would be fine.
but i've lost all meaning of fine
and if you look into my heart
you'd cry.
as that is where I lock my pain.
and if you dare, look deeper and you will find,
the scars that hide in the darkest of times.

gives people advice when i cant even handle my own problems

is the one pushing you away but never removing their hands from your body

I would love you if I could,

but I swear to God

his hands still glide over

my body in the night.

And his breath

still

warms my neck when I'm alone.

Ask yourself:
"What feels right?"
In The bible says:
"Walk by faith, and not by sight"
You cannot listen to what people say,
You need to watch what people do.
They make their decisions based on how they feel.
When you turn the lights off,



Ask yourself how it feels then.

am I with you
or
am I with the mess the one before me left

its crazy how easily we lose our way when there's no one to share the journey with

Something we're always in need of.
Something we want and are constantly searching for.
You can't buy it.
Or rely on someone else to give it to you.
It is only you, that can bring yourself the happiness you deserve
Create it.
Be it.
Do it.
Be your own happiness and then bask in it honey.

don't talk to me like i'm the one that ****** up

And then those moments come,
where life gets put back into perspective,
and your problems don't seem so significant.

The beat in your chest is enough to validate today as great;
Don't waste it dwelling over what is temporary.

Look Her in the eyes while She is still blinking,
and tell Her about the beauty.
Take His hand while He is still reaching,
and hold it tighter then you did yesterday.

Only "we" can understand "us".

i don't show it, but i need you more than you think.