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138 · Oct 2017
I was in love once.
Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017
I try to tell myself she didn't.
Love me.
But.
She did.
I just ****** it up.
Like I always do.

But,
She still hurts.
To think about.

The way she smiled.
Liked to see me happy.
Enjoyed.
My company.

I can't stop.
Dreaming about her.

I don't want to.
She was my worst mistake.
138 · May 2019
Something
Nolan Bucsis May 2019
How do I make this feel better.
How do I **** the memories.
That once I was a beautiful could have been.
But now.
I just whittle away the hours.
Enter anguish when there's no more ****
No more alcohol or hours of video games.
Just to.
Waste my
Time.

Here sitting in my self abnegation.
In my sacred antipathy
137 · Sep 2017
I'm never here or there
Nolan Bucsis Sep 2017
The idioms of my persona fluctuate with time.
Some new intuition that speaks to your soul.
Which to me, is just,
An aesthetic.
An overall style.

It's always so late when I decide to wake up.
All you catch is my exit.
Nolan Bucsis May 3
I woke up in right now.
When I was really back there.
Apprehensive and afraid.
My cold sweat.
Chilling

Sleeping past the morning
Nervous that nothing will pan out.
As it does in my head.

But I don't think it happened before

Back when my mantra was
Never did nothin.
Never was gonna be anything magnificent.
Never tried enough to be great.
Not even mediocre.

All I ever got
Was a failed
Life.
137 · Jul 2018
Hitching to Tommorow
Nolan Bucsis Jul 2018
I'm stagnant.
In this indoor mania.
My cabin fever.
The isolation.
And the world keeps passing me by and leaving me in the ditch.
Again
136 · Jun 2018
Why did I wake up #1
Nolan Bucsis Jun 2018
There is no concern for the feelings of a loved one.
When you're lost out there.
In the comfortable silence.
Of aeons.

Unconcsious.

Subsumed in the warm bath.
Of annihilation.

Beyond speech.
136 · Sep 2017
Guan Yu
Nolan Bucsis Sep 2017
I don't care is the worst thing you can say.
To people in this age of infinite love.
Institutionalized compassion.
Where I'm required to lie.
About giving a ****.
Just to please the gods.
Of, "My fragile ego."

I am anathema.
I am apathetic.
A non person.
A ghost.
With no.
Offerings.

A hungry ghost.
The fragrance of rotting food.
On the porch.
Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017
I see myself.
Sitting there.
Wondering how to respond.
To the way that you're smiling.

So.
I awkwardly bare my teeth.
Trying no to stare in your eyes.
With my cold.
Dead.

Confused.
Eyes.

Trying to fake an emotion.
Anything.
Human.
135 · Mar 2018
Social Cancer Media
Nolan Bucsis Mar 2018
Now.
I disconnect myself.
From that synthetic reality.
The serendipitous escape.

Where for once.
I was part of a greater community.
Something different.
If only in my mind.

The fantasy.
Was always.
A change from the empty stillness.
The mute conversations I have with myself.
A distraction from unremitting failure.

Now.
I'm not so schizophrenically.
Detached.
Stuck in the minds of other people.

I think.
What exactly did I learn.
From that grandiose delusion of mine.
From that failure to connect.
From that fragile persona.
That was never me.
My never was.


Nothing.

I learned nothing.

I'm going back to all alone.
It's much more comfortable.
More, serene.

True to myself.
135 · Jul 2019
Hegel's last humour
Nolan Bucsis Jul 2019
I endure for I am hard.
Yet the struggles are never easy.
Always rock bottom.
And, I'm assured this is it.

Torment.
Loss.
Absolution.

So many restarted lives I'm the Buddha of malcontents.
Irrational fear.

Isolation.

All the drawn out strained things.
I'm an avatara of falling apart.
The gestalt of sloth.

A zeitgeist.
For failure.
135 · Oct 2017
Stuff again.
Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017
Tomorrow is terrifying.
In these wasted days.
Where I can't see a future.

The withdrawal.
Of tobacco.
Starving from habit.
Hypoglycemic psychosis.

Just.
Panic.

Just.
Dysfunction.

Just.
Abysmal.

I like to pretend.
That one day my life will be better.

More.
Normal.
134 · Jul 2018
Something
Nolan Bucsis Jul 2018
I'll wake up tomorrow and you'll be in my dreams.
Stuck.
A good memory gone bad.

And I'll see you in her face.

Hear your in her voice.

And I'll push her away.
Too.
134 · Mar 2019
Wish I could die
Nolan Bucsis Mar 2019
It's that potent despair.
Standing over a dead life.
Gone before the miracle appeared.
And mundane.
Some realization I'm not quite where I want to be.
Or as high as I'd like.
But tomorrow is a curse cast from my yesterdays.
Today is a wallowing disgust.
And, my past, an abomination.
Why am I alive.
Just to struggle through the hard bits and reward myself with sloth. I spend a lot of days staring at nothing.
Hours.  Just.  Passing by.
133 · Sep 2019
Out there
Nolan Bucsis Sep 2019
I imagine she's out there.
In that lauded by and by.
Thinking of me.

I hope.

Yet.
I don't know who she is.
And I understand.

She'll just.
Find.
Someone else.
Someone better.

Cause I'm just ossified in my regret.
Depressed because I'm alive.
Socially absent.

Living alone gets me down.
But I long for her hypothetical embrace.
Her ill defined face.

And my love.
For some ghost.
I can only imagine.
Out there.
Nolan Bucsis May 2018
There's always a creeping terror.
Liminal time.
A sinking feeling of guilt.
Apprehensive self loathing
And, an urge to just recede.
Into that murmur at the edge of existence.
That lost place.
Some where as vacant as me.
Right now.
Somewhere I can float.
Free of my body.
Liberated from this melancholy
When my depression hits
131 · Feb 2018
Untitled
Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018
Feelings come and go in irregular patterns.
It's always most joyous.
When I have my flat affect.
Something very hard.
To read into.
Some very cold fish.
131 · Apr 2019
Monotonous
Nolan Bucsis Apr 2019
Where do I leave these words she gave me?
Where do I put the intimate things?

Where do I let go of the letdown we became.
How do I forget the beautiful could have been.

Here in this regret.
Here in this middle of nowhere.
Here where the rocks murmur a name I no longer hear.

Here despondent.
Here derived.

Contrition.
Torpor.
131 · Sep 2019
It's never that good
Nolan Bucsis Sep 2019
I have nothing left.
To give you.
I gave it all away.

And now.
I stare into nothingness.
The abyssal night of stupidity.

Too many drugs when I was young.

And I can't make friends.
Don't know how.

And the words I used to relish.
Come so slowly and imprecise.
I chain smoke thought the days.

And escape more often than naught.

Into
One of my many vices.
Anything.
To stop my brain from thinking.

This is all hopeless.
And you're a ******* .
Who deserves nothing.
131 · Oct 2017
Hopeless
Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017
What's left.
When you've.
Given up.

What is there to do.
But, wait until.
Your body breaks down.

And ignore.
Your situation.
131 · Jul 2018
Existential Relationships
Nolan Bucsis Jul 2018
I'm just bored.
Distracting myself from the knowledge.
It all.
Means.
Nothing.
Nolan Bucsis Jun 2018
It's good that my memory has been damaged.
Irrevocably from all the drugs I consumed.
It's perfect.
I can't even remember the things.
I just want to
Forget.
130 · Oct 2017
Hurts. Man.
Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017
I'm not gonna make it.
Passed that line.
Into normal.
And all the responsibilities.
I'm not capable.
Of having.

So, instead.
It's just sheer panic and trying.
Not to die.
Through these invisible meaningless.
Meals.  I eat.
To keep myself alive.

And the acid burn of my.
Aborted attempts.
At being something more.
Than anger.
Frustration.
Walking through anonymous streets.
Chased out of the pubilc.

With no one.
To talk to.
129 · Jun 2018
Why did I wake up #2
Nolan Bucsis Jun 2018
I slept through tomorrow.
Woke up in why now.
And I'm about to recede.
Back into the nightmares.
I have every night

I'm a useless eater.

So I starve myself.
So as not to waste the food.

Just everyone's expectations.
128 · Apr 2019
I could have been something
Nolan Bucsis Apr 2019
What's the point of a whispered.
Half spoken.
Last sigh.
To the darkness.
And the cold.
Still.
Night.
127 · Mar 2019
Down again
Nolan Bucsis Mar 2019
Starting over is another chore.
Another necessity.
One more thing remained unaccomplished.
One more arbitrary rule.

Maybe I should just sleep.
Sleep and recede into the somnolence.
Fade off into nothing.
Of note.

And never was.
Something.
Just.
Loss
127 · Oct 2017
Institute
Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017
I drove across Canada.
At eighteen.
With an artist friend.
To run away from home.
For ***** and giggles.
Driving for days.
And, going mad.
Stuck up in the shrub
The vista of the same tree.
Motorsports on freeways.
The car become an appendage.
127 · Aug 2018
Sleep
Nolan Bucsis Aug 2018
She sings syllogisms.
That no one knows.
But her, the wind, and my imagination.
Where she's beautiful.
Frozen in a good memory.

A lovely smile.

And.
Here I am.
Reading metaphors and analogies.
From her sweet lips.
127 · Jul 2018
Yesteryears
Nolan Bucsis Jul 2018
I'm old now.
Older than I ever was.
Such a simple dilemma.
Looking at pictures of myself.
From a lifetime ago.
127 · Feb 2018
Untitled
Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018
Eventually it dawned on me.
That grimacing when I was in pain.
Was to communicate distress.
To someone who was never there.
Now I just.
Take it.
127 · Apr 2019
Truth
Nolan Bucsis Apr 2019
I'm alone.
Always alone.
And the loneliness is just amnesia.
Forgetting how people are.
And how.
I want them to be.
126 · Oct 2017
Skeezy
Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017
She said she was *****.
And didn't know where she left her needles.

So I hung out in the kitchen.
Where I could see everything.

Trying to score dope.
In this *****'s house.

With a friend.
126 · Nov 2017
K
Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017
K
I'm obsessively repeating it in my head.
The regret.
The shame.
The urge to die.

When I think of all the things.
I just.
Didn't do.

Wasting my life for nothing.
Conversations reduce.
To a few grunts.
126 · Jun 2018
No. Not anymore.
Nolan Bucsis Jun 2018
At least when I'm crazy.
The sadness won't set in.
Long enough.

For me to get high.
Just to make it.

Through the day.
126 · Oct 2017
Graffiti
Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017
Philosophers write pretty.
Words.
But, at a certain point.
Those words.
Write.
Their own truth.
126 · Oct 2017
Idle
Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017
The thoughts in my mind.
No longer coalesce into substance.

Something beautiful.

I'm stuck in confused.
Afraid of other people.

Incapable.
Of.
Interacting

In any.
Meaningful.
Way.
125 · Jul 2018
Hauty Aspirations
Nolan Bucsis Jul 2018
Please God.
Please.
Just give me.

One

Good

Day
124 · May 2018
Goth Chicks
Nolan Bucsis May 2018
It's that nihilism that draws me in.
Gets me lost in her emptiness.
Where all we can hear.
Is the breath.
We can't catch.
124 · Mar 2018
When I think About Tomorrow
Nolan Bucsis Mar 2018
Hopeless.
As all that potential dried up.
Into oh so much ash.
Placed in an urn.
Scattered on the sea.

It's just that reality.
Never turns out quite like it.
Should.

A withered future.
And nothing gained.
So I stick to now.

And,
Medication.
124 · Apr 2018
Gasp
Nolan Bucsis Apr 2018
She sells sea shells.
In seclude sacred sanctuaries.
And other assoreed.
Temporary Autonomous Zones
123 · Aug 2018
Indepedent
Nolan Bucsis Aug 2018
I've been working on being.
Alone.
So long that I don't know.
What to do.
To get out of it.

Maybe if I run away into intoxication.
I'll feel better.
123 · Nov 2017
M
Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017
M
Cigarettes never burn.
Enough.
So I rip off the skin.
And, throw in some salt.

Cauterized.
Sterile.

As some hippy.
Tries to talk to me.
And, all I want to do.
Is explode.

Into nothingness.
Despair.
Fear.
Trembling.
123 · Jun 20
My Society
Nolan Bucsis Jun 20
A rage that
Cannot be sated,
I project,
Across infinity
To those I hate.

Destruction.
Desolation.

I offer you annihilation.
123 · Sep 2017
Family
Nolan Bucsis Sep 2017
My addendum to you.

I don't care.
It's overall meaningless and futile.

So.
Whatever.
Just leave me alone.
123 · Apr 2018
Overdosed on Love Poems
Nolan Bucsis Apr 2018
No one will fix you.
Only your banal self.
And, it's not profound.
Just.
Happens.

You can lick your own wounds.

I did.
123 · Jul 2018
My Morbid Reality
Nolan Bucsis Jul 2018
My cough is more worrying.
I sweat too easily.
Maybe I'm developing.
A taste for.
Death.
123 · Apr 2019
Non sequitur
Nolan Bucsis Apr 2019
She loved me then.
When I was a potential.
A small seed in the mind's eye.
A possibility.

Yet I let her down.
I turned the greener grass a deeper shade of brown and wilted on a tree.

I'm now regret.
Frustration.
And nagging melancholy.
Twitching in the nightmare.
122 · Sep 2017
Was it goodbye.
Nolan Bucsis Sep 2017
The emotions I've had.
Must miss me.
As I cast them aside.
And relied.
On myself.
With no need.
For, you.
122 · May 9
Ensconced in right now
Nolan Bucsis May 9
I don't mean to.
But I can't care about anyone I hurt.

The broken hearts.
The let downs.
The impossible to remember intimate moments.
The love.
The promises of safety and permanence.

It all means nothing to me.
Just time.
And distance.

Ensconced in right now.
122 · Mar 2018
Hurricane something harsh
Nolan Bucsis Mar 2018
You can rage against the storm.
But.
If you survive.
You get to rebuild.
In all its tedium.
122 · Jun 5
Sleeping late
Nolan Bucsis Jun 5
From the inside
Of the coma.
I breathe rhythmically.
Out of step
With
The outside world.

Until I wake up.
And,
Mourn the loss of dreams.

Synchronized with the depression
Of aware.
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