Nolan Bucsis: Poems

1.3k · Nov 2017

Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

I hate her.
Because I've never.
Seen,
Anyone.

As beautiful.

And, I can't control.
The way I act.
Even though.

I know.
Better.

715 · Jul 2018

Not Today

Nolan Bucsis Jul 2018

Not Today

I sit and wait for some sort of miracle.
But nothing ever comes.

And, I've gotten used to being alone.
Passing the time between here and.
Eternity.
Motionless.
Agape at an absurd universe that taunts me.
With lies of success.

Tomorrow.
Tomorrow is always fixed in my mind as some antediluvian.
Memory I don't have.
Tomorrow.
Where I'll fix what's wrong with me.
Do the things I talk about.

But, not today.
Never today.
Today is for the nostalgia of coulda done better.

674 · May 29

Ancient Sentiment

Nolan Bucsis May 29

Ancient Sentiment

No one writes me love poems.
Cause there's nothing much to love.
Nothing really here.
Nothing really of note.

576 · Nov 2017

Untitled

Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

Untitled

When did I fall in love.
With her?
Was it when she smiled.
In that.
Oh.
So.
Special way.
Just
For me.

559 · Apr 2019

A visceral lack of motivation

Nolan Bucsis Apr 2019

A visceral lack of motivation

Just another ran down day,
More sitting around
Calling it work.
Being productive and doing
Nothing

520 · Oct 2017

Feewings

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Feewings

Love tries to ossify people.
Into that rush of chemicals.
And keeping them just like that time.
You looked a little bit too long.
And, it was more than relaxed on your face.
Cause you couldn't control what you were doing.
Or the words coming out.
Of your mouth.

508 · Dec 2014

Honky

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2014

*****

I'm a mouldy old country song.
Straining in the din.
Of a poorly lit room.
And the prescience.
Is impending.
An apocalypse.
In the tired warble.
Of an old crusty man.

458 · Oct 2017

Baildon

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Baildon

My grandma was a basket baby.
Living through the revivals.
Held in tents.
Never dreaming of anyone else.
Outside of the farm.
Or the family.
Or the dancehall.
One small novel.
In the backwoods.

457 · Oct 2017

Honesty

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Honesty

I can't be crazy to other people.

If I am.
The beautiful what could be.
Dies.

And, it turns out.

I'm a rabid loner.
Who cant get attached.

446 · Oct 2017

I Scream into the Nothingness.

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

I Scream into the Nothingness.

In my private life.
I dance to myself.
In a mad trance.
Seeking a release.
From being.
Alive.

Melt into a neurotic.
Tune.
On repeat.
A nostalgic memory.
From the thirties.
Hazy.

Because I've never.
Been there.
Only.
Here.
As I always am.
Stuck.
In this repetition.

Edith Piaf.
Singing to me in a language.
I don't understand.
In my own personal.
Kali Yuga.
Without Rudra.
To stop.
My.
Destruction.

I will implode into this.
Catatonia.

417 · Dec 2014

Sychophant

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2014

Sychophant

Love me.
Please.
I've never had.
Anything that feels.
Quite.
Like this.
I'm losing it again.
Isolated in a private insanity.

381 · Oct 2017

Wifi Signal Lost

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Wifi Signal Lost

Be careful.
Your passion.
Doesn't burn them out.
To the point they malfunction.
And, you can't connect.

375 · Sep 2019

Eulogies etched in sandstone

Nolan Bucsis Sep 2019

Eulogies etched in sandstone

It's a.
Cold hard.
World out there.
Kiddies.

Stay safe won't you.
Stay sane must you.
Stay normal lest you stand out.

And become.
Destroyed.

Oh kiddies.
I know.

For I'm as cold as frozen nitrogen.
Hard as an isolated diamond.

Looking for my rough.

And it's always a sob story they're singing.
Always a love song they're writing.

And there's no better torch song than an epitath.

Gone.
Too.
Soon

363 · Dec 2015

Shuffling.

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2015

Shuffling.

Is this all I have.
Delaying death for one more day.
Surviving.
In terse translations of imperfection.
The sun, leering.
The trees, menacing.
And, I, found the abyss.
In this apathetic allusion.
Of actually living.

358 · Oct 2017

Drifting

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Drifting

I don't want love.
It's not functional.
And, it always ends up with.
Acting like I want to stay.

When I'm just there.

For the food.
And the house.
And the shared ****.

351 · Oct 2017

You get old

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

You get old

Eventually the mystique.
Of not working.
Wears off.

Pointless conversations with cray people.
Who are usually high and looking.
For a way to **** or rob you.
Get old.

One day you wake up from that rebellious.
Romantic.
Utopia.
Of good times.

And, you're missing your teeth.
Nothing in common with.
People you used to be.

335 · Jun 2019

Moment out of time

Nolan Bucsis Jun 2019

Moment out of time

I feel nothing these days.
As empty as these wind swept dismal grey prairie days.
I find myself in.

It's really just an absence.
Of life.
A catatonic cowboy stuck in yesterday.
Longing for release from the boredom.
Of right now.

Tomorrow seems like an incomprehensible impossibility in this liminal infinite time.
Trying frantically to ossify in right here.
This thought.
This pure.
Unadulterated.
Moment.
Out of time.

326 · Nov 2017

Untitled

Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

Untitled

I said.
Set it on fire.
As I got lost.
Silhouetted against.
The blaze.
Glowing with heat.
Consumed.
In fantasies.
Of destruction.

324 · Dec 2014

Historocity

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2014

Historocity

I remember tomorrow.
Potential immanent.
The truth.
So far away.
And.
Fragile.
I guess something had to break.
Down inside of me.
And, now.
I'm losing everyday.
To passages.
Written in time.

318 · Dec 2014

Neuroses

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2014

Neuroses

I'm frustrated.
And.
Scared of tomorrow.
Cause it never turns out.
Like.
I want it to.
It just keeps keepin on.
While my head slowly
constricts itself into a
mad obsession with stuck.

299 · Oct 2017

Good Memories

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Good Memories

The only time I experienced.
Something beautiful.
Something magical.
A moment where I was caught up in some.
External force.
Was when.
I stopped.
Trying to find it.

297 · Dec 2014

Suicide, sometimes

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2014

Suicide, sometimes

I'll stop all this.
One day.
When I can't take it anymore.
My illness in isolation.
The constant disappointment.
Feverish frustration crushing my mind.
Into amorphous paste.
And, it won't matter.
Never did.

289 · Apr 26

Somberlain

Nolan Bucsis Apr 26

Somberlain

Into sleep.
I recede.
Every day.
An opaque .
Nostalgia.
For depression.
And other.
Muddling things.
But I can't sleep.
The whole day.
Through.
Anymore.
Tiredly waking up.
In a tomorrow.
Too late to really.
Do anything

285 · Mar 2019

Derpressed and Alone

Nolan Bucsis Mar 2019

Derpressed and Alone

I'm afraid of tomorrow and what I might be.
Unloved.
Neurotic.
Alone and aghast at the prospect of finding a life in this cold damp haze that is my life.
My life
My wretched life.
I watched it pass away.
Buffered by a could have been.
And smoked away like lazy days.
All my ambitions deflated in failure.
Never trying.
Hard.
Enough.

No meaningful relationships.
No friends to spare.
Just my own personal monotony.
Laid bear for none to see.

285 · Nov 2017

Passed

Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

Passed

This frozen moment.
In a dilapidated something.
Through the foggy haze.
Of whatever I'm currently on.

I can see.

My life.

What a waste.

It's become.

284 · Oct 2017

Picky

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Picky

I wonder if it hurts more.
To other people.
That I'm not scared to open up.
I just don't want to.

Not with them.

Sorry.

Recurring themes.
Reappear

280 · Apr 2019

Sad

Nolan Bucsis Apr 2019

Sad

Maybe she reads these requiems.
Maybe she still cares.
As I whittle away tomorrow with ten more cigarette
Good byes.

280 · Oct 2017

Diagnosis Apathetic

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Diagnosis Apathetic

I have abandoned my life.
For an escape.
From my bad decisions.
My lack of privacy.
And.
My own mind.

278 · Nov 2017

Untitled

Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

Untitled

There's a certain beauty.
In a house falling apart.
With holes in the floor.
Grime collecting in corners.
Never cleaned.
Frantic edgy grafiti.
And a collective apathy.
Punctuated with loud drunken parties.
Cause we're in the ghetto.
In a small town.
And, there's.
Hundreds of cats in our alley.
Left behind by former owners.
Much like.
We.
Are.

272 · Oct 2017

Every waking moment of ever single day.

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Every waking moment of ever single day.

I can't scream through these.
Collapsing lungs.
And dying ambitions.

I can't muffle the constant barrage.
Of die.
Die, and in this glorious emptiness.
Forget.

Everything.
Existence extinguished in a low gurgle.

My last breath.

Release.

266 · Nov 2019

Procrastination

Nolan Bucsis Nov 2019

Procrastination

Someday never came.
And I'm not.
As smart.
Or handsome.
Or strong.
As I once thought I was.

Like these words.
I'm forced and poorly put together.
And I have no friends.
No spare lovers in my bedroom.

No life.

Just the constant isolation.
Years of distractions.
From this oh so scarred skin stretched taught over a wasted life.

And is it as clear to you.
As it is to me.

We're all just mediocre.

Hiding our faults with.
Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow I'll get there.

Tomorrow.
Everything.
Will.
Be.
Just.
Fine

266 · May 17

Plays

Nolan Bucsis May 17

Plays

I can't find anything
Meaningful to say
To you
my former self.

And, if life is living the same story
Over and over.
I'd like this one
To end.

I've memorized the script.
The plot is atrocious
And I'm long past dead.

At the curtain call.

259 · Oct 2017

Bloop

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Bloop

I yearn for irrelevant.
Laughter.
Something fun.

Instead.

I just blissfully drift.
Into my idea.
My abstraction.

Independent of reality.

259 · Dec 2019

The truth is never pleasant

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2019

The truth is never pleasant

To say I'm a let down.
Is more credit.
Than I'm due.

And, today melts into tomorrow.
You have to find some.
Solace.
In this isolation.
This torpor.

The basics.
Baffle.
Me.

I don't think about a future.
Anymore.
Just.
Freezing to death.

In the street.

256 · May 2019

Feels

Nolan Bucsis May 2019

Feels

I am filled with irrational fear.
And a deep hatred.
Of myself.

Everything crashes.
And I run.
Away
From here.

Into an impossible panic.
Heart dropping.
Knuckle white.
Terror.

I'm tired of living

255 · Aug 2018

Something profound.

Nolan Bucsis Aug 2018

Something profound.

The future is supposed to be bright.
But for me.
It's just there.
Waiting.
I'm stuck out here.
In these doldrums.
Staring at the horizon.
Wondering when I'll do more.
Than freeze in place.

254 · Dec 2017

Untitled

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2017

Untitled

Giving up was the best.
Thing I could.
Have ever.
Done.
Now I'm.
Free to be nothing.

252 · Apr 2018

Love songs to a persona.

Nolan Bucsis Apr 2018

Love songs to a persona.

You read enough passion.
In these words for someone else.
That you don't know.

You didn't see a twinkle.
Trust me, all you saw, was.
A stray thought about where.

The best cigarette butts are.

251 · Mar 2020

Wanderer

Nolan Bucsis Mar 2020

Wanderer

There was never any way out.
And forever seemed like another thousand steps.
Forward.

Then.
When the impossible happened.
When I found a home.
Nothing got better.
Even though it did.

The same old fried brain.
The same constant depression.
Only.
I'm fat.
I'm boring.
I'm weak.

Only.
Life on the streets might.
Have been better.
For me.

242 · May 2018

Untitled

Nolan Bucsis May 2018

Untitled

My fingers are stained that brown colour you only develop from chainsmoking yourself away from alive.
And blissfully.
Succinctly, into.
I'll be dead by tomorrow.

238 · Apr 29

My Joy

Nolan Bucsis Apr 29

My Joy

Happiness.
Is just a
Delerium.
I feel as it washes over me.
When I'm too high on.
Magic mushrooms.
Or acid.

238 · May 11

Fraudulent

Nolan Bucsis May 11

Fraudulent

I don't have any
Love left over.
From the last time.
I hardened my heart.

Saying
I love you
Impulsively,
And that's just
Idle bedroom talk
I say sometimes
As meaningfully
As.
What's for lunch.

238 · 6d

A Demon by Any Other Name

Nolan Bucsis 6d

A Demon by Any Other Name

The matter said to the math,
I change,
and so do you.

As the ego said to the spirit,
My will shapes your tint,
I control,
You obey.

Anatman?
No self?

No,
Self,
Is supreme.

Nix,
The demon buddha,
Of Naraka.

When the Assura,
Ascended over virtue,
By virtue,
Of existing.

Reality is not light and transcendent,
It is vile ugly truth,
I am I?

Well,
Certainly not me.

233 · Sep 2018

We are Nihilists lebowski

Nolan Bucsis Sep 2018

We are Nihilists lebowski

I feel as if I have passed on through.
The mortal veil.
And come to my judgement.

One that does not bode.
Well for me.

I'll be condemned.
To more of this torpor.

This inadequate existence.

233 · Oct 2017

ikikikikik

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

ikikikikik

There's nothing left.
But that low dull buzz.
Of snow.
On a static screen.
And my mind.
Trying to find a reason.

231 · Dec 2017

Untitled

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2017

Untitled

Janis always wails.
Me to some.
Kinda.
Good memory.
I had.

A place in time.
Where I'm.
Happy.
And everything.
Is ok.

Maybe around a.
Fire.

230 · Dec 2017

Untitled

Nolan Bucsis Dec 2017

Untitled

In my inability.
To stop chain smoking.
I'm alive.
By killing myself.
One breath.
At a.
Time.

229 · Oct 2017

Rural Ambitions

Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

Rural Ambitions

Optimism doesn't suit me.
As I exist.
As a mote of dust.
In some rundown.
Abandoned.
House.
The low glow of lamplight.
And classic rock.
Stuck in my personal.
Let down.

229 · Jan 2018

Untitled

Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

Untitled

After enough letdowns.
You give up.
Cause all your hopes ever give you.
Is a bad feeling.
And, fatalistic destinies.
Which in itself.
Is always.
Worthless.

So why.
Bother.

223 · Nov 2017

Burp

Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

Burp

Beauty sloughs off.
Like water bloated skin.
That monstrosity we've become.
That corpse.
Bloated with hubris.
Giving off gas.

Me.
I'm as still.
As that marble.
They sheathed you in.
To steal.
Your soul.

And these eyes.
They penetrate.
With my cold.
Dead.
Stare.

Some nonsense.
As an obituary.
Some kinda association.