I was grim.
I  had malaise.
My listless revelry.
Brought me down.
In this.
One horse.
Town.

Sometimes it seems.
Like being arrested.
Is my life.

I love the fear and panic.
Of the next few moments.

Might decide your life.

I remember thinking.
How strange it was.
That I felt peace.

Imagining.

Vomitting.

In their plates.

Somewhere along the way I got lost.
In these speechless intimacies.
In these hollow promises.
In these let down dilly dallying days

I feel less now when I'm older.
Just misanthropy.
Just self disgust.

Don't you just wanna.
Scream.
In everyone's.
Face.

I don't care.
Just.
Go away.

Self medicating.
Into that apocalypse.
Of how late is it?
Am I dead?

Every day I wake up to the scratching.
Of parasites.
Swollen with blood and ravenous
The dull abrasive buzz of electrical devices.
Preventing me from sleeping.
Generating my insomnia.
Ash coats the front of my shirt.
My teeth are brown and broken.
My appetite is cripplingly nauseating.
I'm ill from malnutrition.
And I eat cigarette smoke and coffee.
While my lungs scream at me for breath.

I don't know what caring means anymore.
Desire to live.
Motivation.
These are as alien to me as three meals a day.
Or socializing.
Or work.
Or reasons to exist outside of the fear of annihilation.
I've seem to have gone beyond depression.
Into resignation.

I stare vacantly at my reflection.
What emotion am I supposed to fake to myself?
How do I make myself smile.
I know I'm lying.
It's no longer an urge for someone to understand..
Or hold me.
Or make it better.
It's an urge to get up the motivation to get out of bed.
Pointlessly greet the day.
Eat.
I'm running on the basics and I'm low on fuel.

I'm just here, brushing filth off of myself and wondering.
When was it that I didn't care.
About changing my torpor.
Into triumph.
When did this become acceptable?
Living in grime.
Starving.
Running from people and responsibility.
What did I do.
To become this desolate.
This, abominable.

Waking up has become.
The hardest thing I have to do.
I just feel.
Dead.

Alone is fine.
But, I can't describe the way.
I've been lately.
Other than.

Given up.
And.
A waste of food.

So, I don't eat.
Or try.

I disappear and hide in cracks.
With the knowledge.
That I always become a memory.
That lasts for a few months.
Somewhere else is so anonymous.
When you don't tell them where it is.
And, I just disappear.
Then you don't know me anymore.
And, you're replaced.
With another random human being.
I find no joy in.
To get bored of.

I was just made.
Broken.

My voice so soft.
You'll miss it.

Before it stops talking at all.

Gets lost in intoxicated.

They scream at me.
For not being.
What they want.

Filled with apathy.
Self destructing.

I want to sleep.
Through my.
Tomorrows.

Waking up in a yesterday.
That was never there.
Some kinda nostalgia.
I have.
With drug addiction.
And violence.

I want to scream.
At the top of my lungs.
Til the veins burst in my neck.
Blood streams from my throat.
Vocal chords shredded to itty bitty bits.
That I can't choke down.

I want to bellow into the aether.
Of what I imagine to be a caring.
Invisible.
Entity.

Let me off.
Get me out.

Have you heard this before?
I'm so complicated.
I'm so complex.
I'm so hard to understand.
I'm just a vague nothingness.
That I write with words.
Expressing nothing.
But, my lack of originality.
My reliance on the emotion.
Of poor punctuation.

What happened?

I thought we were going to write our names.
On ancient archaic architecture.
In Europe.
As we squated our way across.
The European Empire.
Looking for that good.
In everyone

We would have.
Made love with the Bohemian Eurotrash.
Like us.
Yearning for an adventure across the territory of that Cold War.
Like a Mutually Assured futile resistance.
Against those individual battles.
We fought.

In DDR uniforms.
Crusty jackets and holy clothes
With rabid Communists.
The bishops of our redemption.
A patched messiah.

We were going to storm the Bastille high on acid.
Make love under the Arch Triumph.
And, scream our victory to the ghosts in the Catacombs.
We  would bomb the old histories in every antediluvian city.
Set fire to our heritage, and laugh.
In that blazing dawn.
In that explosion.

In that could have been.

But,
We never really got passed the lawn.
We passed out on the side walk.
And vomited on our shirt.

They seem to think.
That they're opinion on what was my real life.
Is actually it.
But, me in my ridiculous bravado.
My hyperbolic stories no one believes.
Am.
Telling.
The truth.

The memories never go away.
Except with.
A large dose.
Of drugs.

I can't get going.
On this horribly dull day.
I'm depressed.
As always.

And,
There's no hope.
No help.
No sympathy.
No nothing.

Not for me.

Just staring at a wall.
Distractions.
And.
Death.

I can **** the confusion.
And paranoia.
With too many substances.
But, I can't turn it.
Off.

That's not.
Possible.

My life has been wasted.
On wasting time.
Waiting for a wonder.
To weave into my life.

A
Better.

Story to sell.
A soliloquy or something.
More succinct.
Some kinda so called solution.

To.
My.

Feeble mind frantically.
Finding faults.
With my forlorn failure.
My fragile forgetfulness.

It's
Just.

My memory keeps me moving.
Measuring the minutes.
Making me melancholy.
And meaning left.

Nowhere to be
Found

I woke up in right now.
When I was really back there.
Apprehensive and afraid.

Nervous that nothing would pan out.

Never did.
Never was gonna be anything magnificent.
Not even mediocre.
Just a failed.
Life.