I see her walking by
Amongst the crowd she walks
Clutching her schoolbooks in her arms
The whole world glistens in her eyes

No one sees her in the bustling halls
No one notices her , no one at all
Every day , no one at all
Except me

Head down, I pass life by
A dark stranger in a world of light
Schoolbooks kept close to my chest
Shielding my mind from the loud universe

I'm just another blank canvas,
In this town of Van Goghs.
Take no heed of where my footsteps follow
I can't trust my own **** self

I'm about to pass her
My heart thumps
My blood pumps
I wish this would last forever

But yet it hurts
Because I can never have her
From the inside the feeling burns
But I still love her

Sinking further into this dark hole
Like the life's draining out of me
Whispers of screams circle my brain
I wish this was just a dream

It aches, oh how it kills me
I can never live a normal joyful life
The familiar emptiness within me whistles a frozen tune
Unloved. Unwanted.

reset my brain
refresh my mind
show me new pain
turn back these times

relive this torture
set back the clocks
let me relove her
then fall back to dark

reset my brain
refresh my mind
break free these chains
that hold down my kind


comb my hair
and wash my face
let's all prepare
for the end of this race

slowly sinking

gradually falling in love with you

eventually tripping and crashing for you

someday I'll be there to hopefully catch you too

my old heart is failing, oh it's beats are fading,
no, my blood, it won't flow.

the whole world is edging, off the page, I'm dreading
what comes next, I don't know.

jagged pieces finely cut, into this poem, but
it's lines do turn faint.

God knows I'm not ready, for this test, mind heavy
with the thought of your pain.

drugs and money
that's all he ever cared about
keep calm honey
you're all he's ever cared about

*** and drinking
on his list without a doubt
over thinking
he ain't ever been worn-out

you're into it
but girl your life is fading
c'mon take a swim
it'll take away the pain yeah

hitting blunts too
he in your life, invading
miss the old you
but **** that ***** persuading

he be wearing blue nails now
same shade as me,
acting like all them girls
try to be his wannabes,
growing out his hair too,
stylish but freak,
taking dance lessons but
he can't take the lead.

sings just like a popstar,
but he only knows Swift,
says he got a trainer but,
he can't even lift,
think he just goes to the gym to
check out boys he missed,
but then he like 'I'm straight, no'
when people catch his drift.

way into his fashion,
maybe it's himself he likes,
cause all he wants is privacy,
when I ask him who he'd try,
talks like Conor Franta when
he talks about his life,
and once he almost fainted when
McHandsome called him 'tyke'.

uses the word 'daddy' when
he's talking bout a guy,
sensed him on my gaydar
and I'm quite sure he ain't bi,
told me he may have
a similar interest with I-
nevermind just got a text
he's trans? oh...oh my!

CHORUS:
Yo
oh, where u at?
where u at, bruh?
e'ryone been askin,
yea you got they full attention.

..
uh, where you at?
where u at?
yo girl's been actin frantic
yeah she don't take none o that.

V1:
****.

this town's been lost without you, man.
people seemin like they gone be lost without you, man.
actin like the end is here before they live's began.
tryin to move on, yeah, but they ruining my plans.

ay

yeah,
they be like "I ain't got no friends"
but they each other's fam, yeah, looks like you got you some fans, yeah
my attention span's affected like it got hit by your van yeah
bish your ban's been fun, yeah, but like where u f*ckin at, yeah

CHORUS:
where you at?

oh, where u at?
where u at bruh?
e'ryone's been askin,
yeah you got they full attention

uh
where u at?
where u at?
yo homie's actin crazy
yeah they can't take none o that

where u at?

V2:
you been on the road for a while now
keepin to yoself as if you don't know no one, oh wow
well congrats on the publicity, why don't u take a bow?
I hope their pain was worth it, boy, although I dunno how

oh, wow

yeah, don't care about yo friends anyhow
yo whereabouts unknown like secrecy's a kind of secret vow
you allow all this foul play like it's somehow all allowed,
you dunno how trust works so you misusing others now, ciao

CHORUS:
where u at?

oh, where u at?
where u at, bruh?
e'ryone been askin
yea u got they full attention

uh
where u at?
where u at?
u gonna lose yo followers
if you gone act like that

where u at?

V3:
they say u never had a good life,
and I believe them alright
yeah
you be all alone because you running outta knives, right?
actin like a victim when you commiting the crime like
so far from society? you be so fckin precious, smile

breakin hearts by being broken, you can't even write, whoa
sayin that you got nothing when we the ones that broke, you're
absolutely right in that none one really likes u tho
cause by the end o the day we all got places to go

The only reason that I stay here is to take your breath away.

Fighting all these demons but for you I'll take the pain.

Smiling just because I want you to be smiling too.

Cause when you smile the whole world smiles, baby I love you.

your new prison is my bed,

though you'll be begging me for more.

the only way you'll leave

is if I take you on the floor.

I thought that I was over you
But now your name's engraved in me
I thought this obsession was over too
But I guess I still need you to save me

is this what you wanted?
that bone-biting piece to shut the other down?
that old, sappy love song that meant so much to you, gone!
well congratulations, you've vaunted enough now.

you frowned upon seeing a work of yours praised,
why was that?
are you so selfish as to want to choose which pieces turn to dust and which become loved?
or is it that you are so greedy and to crave both pieces be famous, yes that's the one!
you don't care about either writes,
you only wish for more attention, and more!

is this what you wanted?
it must be, after all that has passed you have finally reached notice from other individuals
other than your family!
well congratulations, I hope you feel you've vaunted enough now,
you even wrote another piece to shade the other two!

is this what you wanted?

is this what you truly wanted?

oh snap.

guess who's back?

I'm one step closer to a heart attack.

these flashbacks drawn from a cutback, turned me into an insomniac,
twas only a matter of time until I had a cardiac

arrest me now, officer. I've done you all wrong.

'cause my heart lying in my breast no longer plays a loving song.

I'd love to play the rest, see who else would try and sing along,
but I best not cause more distress, I know where I belong.


this girl KC.

man, she's killing me.

thoughts grilling me, yeah they drilling me!
this thrilling feeling's chilling me to the core, like it's refilling a sea

that just won't quit. My anchor's heavy as ****.

my head's split a bit, teeth grit cause I'm full of these images of misfits, and culprits
whose crimes I didn't know they could commit-
they're all me- I'll admit I don't have a permit to

park my *** in this waste of mass class.

just mind the sass, my ego's thick as thick glass, and I don't have the strength to be harassed (rn).


hold up
>>Boi

I don't got time for this.

I need help, man, tell me what to do, I'm ******.

this story's this; I miss the abyss in which I could hiss at KC's every bish she brought home,
reminisce that shish in whish I could blissfully talk about french kissing her.

but now I got me a man.

but now she back I've got no game plan.

tell me can you show me again how life is more than her?

her name
it always came back to her beautiful ******* name
want to know how to make me truly happy for a moment?
say her name.
then watch as the hope from my face drops as quickly as it came
as I turn away blinking back petty tears
then cease to even look at you for the rest of the day
and barely engage in conversation for the rest of the week
not to mention the multiple bandages that appear along my arms and legs and stomach

her smile
I never saw it
after all we never sent each other pictures
just two kids talking across the world from each other
one trying to save the other
not knowing yet why anyone would dare cut their skin on purpose:
me
the one resisting to be saved:
her
trying not to put all her problems on me
knowing I was stupid enough to believe an 'I'm fine.'
sometimes smiling however at my lame jokes
and as I began to say
I never saw it
but I felt it
I felt it coming all the way from wherever she lived
it could have been down the road for all I know, we don't talk to our neighbours much
but even if she was living in Australia
I felt her smile

her voice
I never heard it
but I knew what it sounded like
deep
but smooth like honey
comforting and sweet
the best sound in the world
the only reason I could fall asleep at night

her gay posts on G+
the place we met
the place where I learned
she was gay as heck
the place I learned
I was bi as heck
the place she gave me a nickname
It had been a nice thing to do when you were young,
sending kiss emojis to your friends.
She took this as a romantic gesture
yet knew that when I did it, it was for fun.
She called me 'Frenchy'.
as in french kissing
except we said it was short for something else
'French fries', the American way of saying 'chips'
I found it fun
I called her 'Lavender'
Because I love the smell of it
I love the name
it helps me fall asleep still
plus
I could call her 'Lav' for short
which sounds like 'Love' if you think about it

I didn't mean it in any way like that though
Not at the time.

There were many things she said to me
that I will keep forever
locked away in the deep dungeons of my heart
never to be exposed
for fear someone might know too much
no friends for me, thank you. no one could be like KC.

However there is one thing I would like to share.
I posted a picture because I liked it's background.
It's quote meant nothing to me
at the time
It said

'I just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm not as worthless as I think I am.'

Only one comment.
From KC.
From Lavender.
She said

"You're not worthless Frenchy, you're priceless."

I,
being the way I was at the time,
replied with a
"Thanks Lavender, you too

"And it was in that split second that I realised how truly broken you were. And because of that, I broke too."

you let the lightning light your fuse,
and then the rain came down in torrents.
pretended to fix it, sceaming "I AM ZEUS!",
but somehow you really weren't.
we had to pack our tents, get up and go,
shuffle back to the problematic truck.
however it made no sense to put up a show,
we both knew the **** thing was stuck.

Caller voice 1: 911, what is your emergency?

Caller voice 2: (distressed) Oh, God! Thank God! Uh, my- my name. Oh, man!

Caller voice 1: M'am, could you please speak clearly?

Caller voice 2: Oh. Um. Um, my name is KC...I'm, uh, 15.. years old. My- my mom...It's my mom. Aw...man. My- my mom!

Caller voice 1: M'am, are you alright? Are you hurt in any way? Can you please state clearly your situation and address?

Caller voice 2: I- I'm okay. It's my mom...she..she's d-dead, I think. Shot.

Caller voice 1: M'am, please remain calm and state clearly your address?

Caller voice 2: My d-dad. He's..dead too.

Caller voice 1: M'am, please tell us your address now so we can aid you.

Caller voice 2: I..I don't know where I am. We're in the middle of nowhere. Uh, the desert I think? I don't know. I saw a sign saying Arizona or something on it a couple of hours ago..but I thought it was just my imagination. I-I'm not so sure anymore.

Caller voice 1: M'am, can you please try find anything around you, or any signs, telling you where you may be? Is there anyone else in the area?

Caller voice 2: N-No..I don't think so. Wait. There's..something up ahead. A sign I think. Let me just-

[Rustling sounds]

Caller voice 1: M'am, are you still on the line?

Caller voice 2: We're twenty-two miles from Phoenix. We..we're in the desert somewhere. I don't know what direction the sign's pointing to.

Caller voice 1: M'am, please remain where you are. We are sending someone your way.

Caller voice 2: Wait- no! That's...that's not all.

Caller voice 1: M'am, are you injured in any way? Is there anyone else in the area or was there anyone else involved in the accident? Do you have visual contact with your attacker?

Caller voice 2: N-No. It's not that. It's...my mom.


Caller voice 2:  I shot her.

I don't know you anymore
Your face is a whisper in my mind
I flinch when I see you, however why I'm unsure
I'm afraid if we talk then I'll seem unkind

I do not wish to know you longer
Your voice as a thousand bells ringing along
You're happy when I'm not, and you're far stronger
Whenever I'm lost, you seem to belong

Hey.

I know you.

You're the...villain of the story,
                                                 yes?


The one with the lame backstory that's been passed down by ear over generations, so exaggerated and affected each time that you actually provoke the sympathy of others?


Yeah,

We met a long time ago.

In the olden days, when people said you used to have a heart.



However, people lied.

And people were fools.


You never had a heart.


You were just this cold, vicious figure that had too many desires that could never be tamed, and who's mind burned a passion so bright it blew up in flames and made you the most dangerous person anybody could find in a small place like this.


You were furious.

Always.


Yeah, I remember you.




So what happened?

she forgets to breathe in, breathe out sometimes.
she has to write the word in purple on the back of her fist.
she hyperventilates, then goes back to normal (repeat 5 times),
you'll see her, nervously scratching at her bandaged wrist.

she has to talk to her teacher after school some days.
let him know how she's been getting on in school.
the other kids are saying she's using him for plays,
but she can't tell either forces the truth.

she never told anyone about all this but me.
not even her boyfriend that she said no longer likes her.
nobody knows about her extreme anxiety,
sometimes I wish things went back to the way they were.

skinny dipping, sea's so cold.
Posideon must be tripping,
'cos this view's so bold.
your hair now in a mess,
you can't be controlled.
your imperfections perfect,
oh my, baby I'm sold.

Music blaring violently loud
You can hear it every word even though he's wearing headphones
Not concentrating,
He quickly goes through cupboards
Finding a glass
Then slowly but surely pulls open the fridge door
He wants a drink of milk, like when he was seven and rushing around the garden til his chest hurt
Having the time of his life
Until he needed a drink
Water? Yuck. Boooooring!
Juice? His mother would disapprove of that until after dinner.
Milk? Seems like the only good option.
The boy, now a man at 22 again, chuckles to himself as the song ends and he remembers what life was like as a child.
So innocent, so pure.

Then the song ends. A new one begins.
Your song.
His hand unwillingly jerks, spilling milk on the polished-to-perfection-counter,
He curses and puts down the bottle, sliding the cap on as tight as possible so he feels he still has strength in him.
He curses repeatedly,
But not because of the spilt milk.
But because he forgot.
All pictures were deleted from phones, all text messages ignored, all social media blocked
But he forgot about the song.

He hurries to find something to mop it up
And he tries hard not to
But he lets the lyrics pour into his brain
And he begins to crumble all over again

He remembers.
He remembers you telling him
"There's no point crying over spilt milk."
Yet his eyes are prickling with tears.
He chuckles because he thinks that's what he's doing
He believes that he is crying over spilling milk on his polished-to-perfection-counter in his tiny flat in the large, daunting city.
But he isn't.
And deep down
He hears a voice telling him he isn't.

But he won't listen to that voice.
He has to get over you.
He has gotten over you already.
Angry, pathetic tears fall down his face
As he sinks down to the ground
Looking into nowhere
But seeing only you

His hands tremble ever so slightly
As he fishes around for his phone
Buried deep in his pocket.
He begins to whimper slightly
But tells himself he is a grown up
And how he needs to act like one.

He slowly and uncertainly unlocks his phone
Which no longer has a selfie of him and you as a lockscreen
And fingers shaking with regret
He presses 'delete'
Just as the song ends

And just like that
Tears pour out of nowhere
As if he was suddenly hit on the back and they were pushed out
As if he was a bottle of milk
And someone's arm jolted
So what he had been holding in for too long
Just
       spilt
               like
                      milk.

"What do you wanna be when you grow up?"

Only one word comes to mind.

Yours.

I want to be yours.

I want to come home to see your car driving in ahead of me every night, so you can stick your tongue out at me and mock how I arrived there last.

I want to have little reminders of you running about the place making messes, so I can hug them and kiss their chubby little cheeks and can care for when you're away somewhere. At work, perhaps.

I want to wake up next to you in the middle of the night and make pancakes and go to that park nearby you always loved, even if it meant being tired in the morning when we'd have to do it all again with our little munchkins because obviously we wouldn't exclude them from all our fun.

I want to be scolded by you when I forget to go shopping for groceries and for buying the kids donuts without warning and telling them to keep it a secret, even though it would hurt my feelings a little. Because you would never really hurt me.

I want to pretend not to be crying when those kids turn eighteen and are going to college and we find ourselves suddenly living in a house that's too big and lonely once we realise how old we really are.



I want to wake up in the middle of the night and make pancakes and take a stroll in that park nearby you always loved, even if it meant I'd be tired the next day when I'd wake up to a house far too big for one person but filled with enough loving memories to keep me going.




"What do you wanna be when you grow up?" you asked.





"I dunno."



"A writer, maybe."