The first thought I
encountered was ,
this poor girl
does not eat.

As our friendship
developed into
more than
I ever imagined
it would
I discovered she
did indeed eat.

When I
say eat
I mean more like
demolished all
that
was presented
before her.

Her sometimes
sickly appearance
was caused
by  the problems
she kept  hidden
behind a
locked bathroom
door.

It seemed the
porcelain hollow
had an appetite
for her insides.

Like a devoted
worshiper
to its Pagan God
she gave up her
offerings after
completing
each and
every meal or
even a snack.

Her sickness
clouded
her image
of herself.

I told her
she was
beautiful.
She called me
a liar and told
me to never
come back.

So I
did'nt.

There's only so
much you can do
for the sick until
they themselves
are prepared to
fight.

You say "I'm an open book",
But you're as closed as your eyes.
Trapped inside your sleepless slumber,
It came to me as no surprise.

my ocean is what drowns the soul
she said to me, on a warm winter day:
"you just need to hold on"

and hold on to what, I wondered
falling into that invisible pit I heard
you say to be happy for what I deserve

through the window feeling the crisp air of beauty
the rotting people lying on the streets, my window,
my window, blocked and inescapable
the danger is real, yet I accept this fate
and my faith in your beauty upon my hand
and your invisible body against mine at three in the morning
your hand over my shoulder, my sigh
my body shivering and letting out a scream
I feel as if I've jumped out of my body

the ocean takes my soul and turns it to water
from the water I came and from the water I go,
worst fears seem more realistic than the best dreams
of a childhood lost and the future unexplainable
'you have to wait' but I cannot, I cannot
'But you have to'

nothing is as good as the feeling of lost waves and lost measurements
my walk through the darkness is a clean one,
my god, my god, can I be the light
can this be the light
and the two men smoking said to each other:
'This is what I wanted, what I wanted was good, and what was good was what I wanted'
what I wanted was a surreal day dream
the waves upon my back, and my face caressing the
soft shore and the girls lying down while the boys play on the sand
I have never fallen in love with a beach, or a person, but an idea
and that's worse than anything in the world
straightforwardness asks for recompense and I am part of the ocean
when I look up to see your face, and feel your lips, your cold lips
that have never felt what it feels to be so random
'again, and again, I want to try again'

I stare at you as if you're leaving on a train, far, far away, and I can do nothing about it because I can see forever and forever, and you still wave, and this moment is eternal
and that's what makes me fear for eternal life, an eternity of you just staring at me
wanting, wishing, hopefully just like me
just like me I see the stars above so late, so early
whatever is whatever, the subtly, the dreams
they are nothing since I have chosen this according to the masses
they do not understand, and they will not understand, and they will never understand
the trumpets, the waves, the ocean, the moon and the earth all explode with my opus
my dream my wants and my desire to be good at something for once,
or perhaps to have something ****** upon me
because everything is not random as I lean over the invisible balcony staring down at the road
and I picture a picture of you and you were me and I was me and then finally I was you
and I wished I could change, oh Jesus, I wished I could change, to switch
I shake in the moment, my knees collapse in my idea of eternity, to be on the moon,
to be falling through the skies not as two beings but as one
and that is a dream and that is tonight
but tonight is almost over because midnight has reached a few hours ago and
three is over by a long shot
and they clap their hands, they clap their hands
as I leave the mystery behind me as they say, in unison,
'You have chosen this'
Yes, yes, I have chosen this
this inevitability, this randomness, this recurring everything that is
everywhere inside my mind and upon the paper and whatever I do is just the same, so please, oh god, please, oh god, please stop trying to drown me in the grace that I have tried to accept, because I am you and you are me and we fall again because this is the Fall and I think I understand but I don't and I never will

and the sun rises up without you beside me,
to add to the symbolic nature of your long hair that reminds me of fire
and I try, and I try, and I try, and I try
to just be me and I tried to be me once again as I stared at the timeline
and then back at my idea of you and that's what is destroying everything inside and out
as I hold on to that idea, because people may leave, and people may stop loving, and people may die, but the idea never dies
so I sit in my chair or lay in my bed or lean over that invisible balcony and whisper the same words over and over again as I stare at you going to Nowhere on the train that never ends because I'm already stuck in eternity, those words, oh god, those words that can make the strongest of men and the most beautiful of women vanish:
'I love you'
(yes I did I do I did I do I did I do)
Do not drown me, because from water I came, and water I will return

*exeunt

It has been so long since I last heard my name out of your mouth that this time, it takes me by shock. I’m standing in the shadows, mouth agape, and you’re illuminated by the sun rays, blinding smile on your face. It’s funny, I note as a passing thought; we’ve been the light and dark of each other for as long as I can remember. You pull me out of my stupor, eyes finding mine and as always it feels like returning home.

"Are you coming?"

I shake my head, the weather is searing and my health is frail. The sun has never been a sanctuary for me like it has been for you, hair a faded brown and skin tanned from overexposure to the day. I pale in comparison, thriving in the moonlight and the shadows, at night and in the cold.

To my surprise, you don’t push any further. The briefest shock in your expression lingers before realisation sets in, and the corners of your lips turn up. It then occurs to me that you remember all that I have told you before, years ago when I thought you weren’t listening. I suppose you have been, all this while. A small spark of hope ignites somewhere deep inside my lungs.

"Tsk."

You truly smile by this time, fondness embedded in your gaze and the hints of affection in the tilt of your head. I return the gesture, a nervous, happy laugh escaping even before I can stop it. The moment is a giddy whirlwind of emotions; I have never been able to control myself around you.

-

I never notice until much later, but I spend the rest of the day away from the shade and under the sunlight; transfixed by your stare.

In these moments I can only think of how much I love you.

(A.H.Z)