Nithin purple: Favorites

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Àŧùl

Warning: This is not a nursery rhyme for the fainthearted.

The promise lit by life,
Was actually lit by your lies.
Owwwww!
My forehead is mine I am made to realize,
Realization comes painfully when I bang the wall.
Sssssssssss!
****** I am hurting myself but that's all,
Never stupidly brave enough to actually finish it.
FREE ME!
I request that entity to let me live my life,
Cursed wasn't how I wanted to survive.
Ouch!!
The misgivings are just that bit too much,
As though a beehive fell on my head as much.
BANG-BANG-BANG!!!
I bang my head to the tune which I play,
And I am unable to bang it on a wall.
Peace is what I get finally
Cursed is how I live my life every day,
Talking to walls like concentrated prisoners.
I dare you to swap it with me!
Yes! Swap your life with me right now,
If you can't walk with me for the mile.
Whispers
The mile I dreamt with you,
The smile you promised,
The mile of my life.

Forget about it

I'm just joking about the swap,
I'm no Devil,
You can't live how I live because,
It's my life,
And I'm happy with as much I got,
I've to breath alone,
There must be some serious curse on me,
I accept that curse.
Loving people and then losing them is a ritual,
I must live alone like a hermit.
But you can live on talking only with the darker,
Idol-worshiping him only.
Enjoy with his pictorial representations & idols,
Only one darker idol can you find.
This is why I averse myself from idol-worshiping,
Because it destroys relations.
I lost not only my telephonic-best friend,
But also my real life best friends started avoiding me.
Not an idol-worshiper is a blasphemous term,
In her religion, in Hinduism.
It destroys relations if you start loving your idols,
And if you even start living like your idols.
You never did quite understand what Ishwar/Bhagwan/Rabb/God actually meant.

All the best with your Kanhaiya,
I wish you all the happiness,
And hope that He gives you what I couldn't,
Let your imagination work wonders for you.

Note that this poem was the last among my sad series and now I'll mostly post happy poems.
My HP Poem #196
© Atul Kaushal

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Body

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Evynne

Body

I am trapped inside of my skin
I am a prisoner to the confines of my body
Never fully comfortable in my own skin
Always feeling so different
And separate
From everyone and everything else
My body has never felt right to me
I don't think it was ever mine
I am not a body
I am not even the person I see in the mirror
My body is essentially the only thing that confirms my human existence
But you see, I exist entirely inside of my head
All that I am, all that I am compiled of
Can be found within my mind, within my thoughts

My skin itches from the inside
I ache to leave my body
To become a formless apparition
Experience things from a new and different point of view
I exist entirely inside of my head
I am the only mind which exists
My body means nothing to me

I am a soul and an entity
I am not a body or skin

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Night, My Protector, My Counterpart

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Evynne

Night, My Protector, My Counterpart

Your shadows cast down on the lonely spirits
Bringing with them intricate visions
And emitting longing desires
With searing memories that are cutting but so prepossessing
Residing between the clouds of the evening and the curtains of the dawn
You are both mysterious and majestic
With the moon as your crown
The stars as your wealth
And silence as your robe

You gaze with eyes
Open and wise
Into the universe above you
And see all of the depths of life
You listen with ears
Sharp and careful
To the sighs of desolation that flow ever so quietly
From the ever wakeful souls and the ever restless minds
You whisper with lips
Soft and sanguine
Into quiet rooms
Bearing peaceful slumber and secret dreams
With hands
Mystic and powerful
You close eyelids gently
As you guide hushed minds and aching hearts
To a world more kindly than our own

Lovers get lost in the folds of your dark and endless ensemble
And the lonely-hearted weep at your feet
You feel their unfading longing and despair
And lull them with your soft sounds and quiet presence
You are a friend of lovers
A consoler of the lonely

The minds of poets stir at your forthcoming
And hearts of prophetic stature awaken
As imagination and inspiration are both
Born and nourished under your guidance
You are a monarch to the poets
A vision to the prophets
A confidant to the thinkers
Ever so tragic
But ever so beautiful
You are home to the intellectuals and the visionaries
The writers and the artists

Over time you have revealed your secret purposes unto me
You have transformed my fear of the darkness into tireless trust
With your magic fingers you touched my mind
And my thoughts poured out in stardust
And flowed like a river beneath the moonlight
You kissed my spirit
Became my most trusty companion
You accompanied me in times of joy and in times of sorrow
You caressed my cheek and kissed my forehead
We grew closer and closer
Until we became one in and of the other
For within my dark self there are twinkling stars
That scatter passion throughout
And within my heart lies a struggling moon
In which doubt surfaces with the dawn
And comfort envelops me as the evening retreats
You awakened my soul and instilled peace deep within
I am covered with a veil of mystery
Given unto me from your own mysterious shroud

I, too, am a night
Quiet and profound
Yet fettered and unruly
Strong and exalting
Wise and amiable
Yet cryptic and capricious

For there is no real beginning to my darkness
And no real end to my depths

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Like Water

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Evynne

Like Water

The world has become a little too mean for my liking
Everything has
Even the water in my shower
I stand there
And wait for the water to feel hot enough
It never does
Okay, I'll fight with you tonight
I turn the **** to the left
It's supposed to be hot
But I don't feel it
It's cold when it touches my body
Regardless of the steam escaping from over the top of the curtain
Alright, I'll turn it more to the left
**** ****
I let the water run for a little bit
Hitting my chest
Hoping to feel the heat
Nothing
This bothers me
I turn the **** all the way to the left and I give up
Why does the water have to be so stubborn?
And why can't the **** go more to the left?
It takes me a while to get over this
So I stand under the water
Blocking the mean, sadistic world out
Recklessly trying to find some peace of mind
Found it
And that's when the water got hot
Finally
I take a deep breath and let the oxygen-deprived air fill my lungs
Doesn't do much
But it feels good
This makes me close my eyes
I'm not here
I am on the street
Trying to use the sound of the water to block out the words I hear others saying
I don't like the words
They're not right
The others
They talk about so much
They judge so much
And here I am
Screaming and crying and feeling in my distinctive thoughts
Trying not to go crazy
I don't care what the color of his skin is
I don't care where she bought her clothes
I don't care about how much money they have
I don't care
I just want to look at them and admire them for being alive and being a person
You know
We could all use a little compassion and empathy in our lives
Wake up people
I took a shower
I can't be clean
But I can't get good and ***** either

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Recycle and Re-use

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Evynne

Recycle and Re-use

Life is a peculiar fixation when you essentially ponder upon its fundamental nature
Some things I will
At all times
Be deprived of
Some things I will
By no means
Be capable of understanding

And what's dreadfully peculiar about that is the fact that
This is what life is entirely about in a sense
Because if we were actually allowed to be in possession of all things
To acquire an understanding of all things
Would there really be any point?
Tell me
Isn't this the reason human beings cling to the idea of a higher presence?
An omniscient being that is all seeing and all knowing
Would there be any true purpose?

Here I am stuck at step one
Because once again
I am questioning that of which I am not certain
Things and information and answers I am deprived of
Things that I do not fully understand
Consequently
I presume what I am
For all intents and purposes
Trying to say is that when you look at life this way
You will only find yourself in a never-ending, continuous cycle
In which you always come back empty-handed
Am I saying to give up?
No
What I'm saying is to find a new perspective
But to always keep the old ones tucked away for safe keeping
Recycle and Re-use
Recycle and Re-use
Recycle and Re-use
But never Reduce

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Not I

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Evynne

Not I

"Not I," she whispered.

No concern
No meaning
No feeling
Deprivation at its finest.

I don't think about things the same way others do;
Actually,
I don't think about the same things everyone else does.
There are things that fill my mind on a daily basis that I guarantee do not ever cross any normal human being's mind.
Notice how I said normal,
It really makes me think, am I the one that's crazy, or are they?
What is normal?
If normal is being like everybody else, than that is not I.
"Not I," said the Queen
Not I.
Normal, ordinary, average, common, typical, general, normal.
"Not I," said she.
Not I
"I blame my loneliness on my abnormality"
A valid excuse is all I'm looking for.
I don't need an answer...
Because when am I ever in the possession of answers?
Not ever.
Just questions upon questions upon questions and contradictions upon that of which fill in the crevices of my mind.
I think of one solid thing and the next solid thing contradicts it.
Do you see what I attempt to control everyday?
Mental processes.
Severely intricate, contradicting, insane, mental processes
That race through my stream of consciousness with no intent of slowing down.
Colorful winds that whisper things softly to me
Like the constant pitter patter of falling raindrops on an idle afternoon.
Will I ever be at peace with these contents inside my head?
I am not quite sure.
But what I am sure of is that I would be lost if it all stopped, ceased to exist.
So for now, I am thankful.
Even though I keep feeling more and more crazy every single day.
Madness doesn't necessarily have to be a dire thing.
Normal?
"Not I," said the Queen
Not I.

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Always Growing, Forever Moving, Constantly Changing

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Evynne

Always Growing, Forever Moving, Constantly Changing

Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I asked the worker at the coffee shop what he thought I should get
I've been more indecisive than usual lately
He recommended a chai latte
So that's what I got
I do strange things to avoid certainty, to avoid stability
I keep thinking I don't really know myself but I'm really not sure
Who am I?
A phrase that is in continuous repeat, ringing in the veins of my introverted mind
Who am I?
I could probably tell you
If I really wanted to, if I really tried
He said to me, "Chai tastes like... Merry Christmas!"
It made me smile
Dreams and coffee drinks and pages of books and sweaters
Is that who I am?
It is surely what I am compiled of
I am a wanderer
The girl who constantly says goodbye but never really knows how to leave
I should have mastered leaving by now, you know

I'm staring at brick walls
And a painting of two sleeping cats
There's music playing in the background
I'm awkwardly sipping my chai latte
On the other hand, seemingly distant, I am completely aware of everyone and everything around me
Always observing
Always listening
I like it, by the way
The latte
He was right
It does taste like "Merry Christmas"

It's already 5 o'clock
It's already October
It's cold outside today
Extremely cold
Yet, I've been driving with my windows down all day
I don't feel cold
I don't feel warm either though
I feel numb
I feel like nothing

Every day I just kind of sit back and watch the world go by like none of it really happens
Like all of it is a dream
I'm out of touch with reality
I rather enjoy it that way
Rather prefer it that way, probably
I know what my name is
I know where I come from, who I come from
So why can I not tell you who I am?
Can anyone really, truly, put into words who they are?
If they can, I am in a lot of trouble
Especially if they can do it easily
But that would make a lot of sense because it all comes down to stability
Or so I think so anyways
I haven't had any form of stability in my life for a very long time
And let me tell you, that is what will **** someone up
Who AM I?

I'm ****** up, emotional, and slightly neurotic
I'm only 18 years old but I feel at least 50 years more.
I grew tired too fast
Life is tiring for me
It's not supposed to be like that
Not yet anyway
I've been so sad my entire life
And my sadness acts as the very core of my being
I'm a strangely tangled up pile of thoughts and feelings
Past experiences and people
And this searing sense of nostalgia for what once was
And maybe even for what is to be

What do you call it when you're constantly thinking of the past and wishing it was still here?
When you're constantly longing for the future and wishing it would come sooner?
When you're constantly dissatisfied with the present and wishing it would disappear or change or something?
What is that?
Am I delirious?
Am I going crazy?
I almost hope so
I need some answers
The world is either in fast forward or paused
Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I am nothing
I am nothing
Goodbye

A poem I wrote October of 2012 in a coffee shop

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

It was a struggle.

Apr 2013 Nithin purple

Kaity Morris

It was a struggle.

It was a struggle.
My body’s natural reaction to heartbreak, tears flooded my eyes, making it impossible to see what was right in front of me, but when the tears cleared and my vision was refined, I saw I wasn't the only one hurting. It was a struggle. But life was moving forward and I couldn't be left in the dust. Now I seemed fine, good even. But only I knew the conflict constantly streaming through my mind. It was an epic  combat between my need to curl up in a ball and hide from the world and my egotistical want to put on a strong front. Eventually, after many battles between the two, I was okay again, just okay. My personality had adapted to deal with the pain, and now I was strong enough to leave the memories behind.
The memories were repressed, but the feelings never left.
All of those memories I had pushed to the back of my heart snapped back into place the second you kissed me. It felt like my life had been just a fraction of an inch off track and you made it slip right back into place. You always did have that effect on me. I was expecting for things to go back to the way they were but to my surprise, things were exceeding my expectations. Years had passed and we both changed, but the things that really mattered were indistinguishable. My love never faltered, even when the animosity seemed overwhelming. I knew hoped someday you would come back to me.
Now we can start our life together. The perfect cadence we seem to be in gives me tremendous hope that we will make “forever” look meager. This is what we both want, to live a life completely repleted with affection and lust, and I am determined to make it happen. I’ve never been so confident in a feeling; this is all such a new feeling. Having you by my side will make my life completely whole. A family, a home, filled to the brim with happiness and joy.
Perfection.
          March 29, 2013
   1 year,
  3 months,
  6 days,
19 hours,
2 seconds.