NitaAnn

NitaAnn Apr 2014

Dark room, all alone
Cold breeze – trembling body
Sobs taking control
Dark room - Breathe in deeply
Get control
Remember why you are still alive
Throw out the memories
Those oh, so, painful memories
"******, Abuse, ****, Pain"
For now, forget about the past
Take another deep breath
Hold it in until the shaking slows
Now let it out…………..
Repeat this until every bit of darkness
Within you – is gone
Stand up- Turn on the light
Step outside
Feel the heat of the sunlight on your face
Open your eyes – look around
Take in the scenery that surrounds you
This is the real world
This is you in the real world
Brave girl
You can survive to fight another day.

NitaAnn Apr 2014

Triggered

Can't stop crying,

Everything hurts.

It feels like there's a boulder on my chest.

Its too painful inside my head right now

I need to run away.

I'm needing to scream and cry and fall in to the arms of someone spilling my secrets from my lips but I fall mute. I am tired of carrying this secret, this shame, this hurt. I find a kind ear, open my mouth to speak yet no words come out. These memories are so heavy that my back is aching and my shoulders are sore from this weight. Please someone come and relieve me. Take off some and hold it for me. Help me carry this pain up these steep hills. Where is my help? I can't do this alone. I need someone, anyone. I need to explode, ***** this hurt out. I am exhausted from keeping this secret. Please someone listen to my cries.
Can anyone hear me?

NitaAnn Apr 2014

Something is not right...

Something is not right...I am not okay
I don't know exactly what that means.
But something is not right.
I can feel it but I cannot pinpoint exactly what that means.
My head is spinning and my body hurts.
The sharpness of the pain in my chest today made me **** in my breath.
I am miserable today.

My body is persistent in it's messages.
I try to push it away, but it will not stop.

I find myself just rocking back and forth...sobbing....
"I don't want to do it...Please don't make me..."

I need to curl up into a little ball and hide somewhere.

I don't know what any of this means right now.
But something is not right.
I am not okay.

Just want it all to end. Tired of the endless physical and mental stresses in my life right now. I know I am in the midst of some serious health problems right now and I would love to focus on recovering but bed rest brings up serious mental issues. Will there ever be an end to this???
I am waving the white flag, I surrender.

NitaAnn Apr 2014

Disconnecting

I cried all the way home tonight. I kept repeating to myself, “It’s going to be okay…it’s going to be okay…you’re going to be okay…” But is it? Is everything going to be “okay”? I no longer hear that voice inside of me telling me I can do this~ that I have to keep fighting because I am worth it. I don’t know where she went but I have not been able to find her.

I am so tired of feeling this disconnected from, well, everything. Everything…it’s lonely…it’s scary how alone one can feel in a room full of people. It’s chilling how I can watch myself from outside my body as someone else ‘lives’ inside of it. Someone I am not connected too, someone I don’t know.

Tonight, as I was brushing my teeth, I looked at my face in the mirror. I leaned forward, as if to touch the reflection there ~ and I looked deeply into her eyes and I felt nothing. I was not connected to those eyes, or to that face…those eyes were empty and hollow. I did not feel empathy or compassion for her, that face, those eyes in the mirror…I felt anger and hate for her failure to feel alive, for her incapability to feel any kind of connection to anyone or anything.

I spit toothpaste right in her face! That daft woman in the mirror! I hate her right now! For everything she has been through, for all the pain she has made me feel. I am not her! Not right now.

I rarely inhibit her body now. I can’t. I am doing the best I can… I am doing the best I can right now. I do not have to be here right now. I can’t. Not now…not right now.

I don't remember the last time I have felt this disconnected from everything.
I am struggling.  I am afraid. I am lost.

I desperately need help right now but I am afraid to ask for help, or even accept help if it is offered...I don't know how.  I can't reach out because...yeah, all I hear: in those moments of tempting the face of expected rejection/abandonment...make a different choice.....I can't face anymore rejection or abandonment ~ not right now.

I want to crawl inside of myself and just feel nothing.
And I am sorry ~ I am so sorry.....

Sorry...pulling the plug of connection...I think it will be easier to just not be...sorry, I tried I really did....

NitaAnn Apr 2014

Why are you such a disappointment, Nita???

I have been hanging on by a thread for several months now.
I feel so emotionally fragile
that I feel like a strong wind could ******* away.
I don’t expect anyone to understand.
I used to…but I really don’t anymore.
Because of the uncontrollable rage and terror and hopelessness,
I have engaged in self-destructive behavior (nothing illegal [yet]).
I have cut myself, drank too much, taken too many pills.
I have screamed and cried
Banged my head against the wall and the floor.
I have begged God to let me die
Begged Him to help me live.

Don't even know which way to turn anymore...everything I touch turns to crap. I am a utter failure and disappointment for so many. I am able to see what possible reason there is for continuing. Why?? Why continue to struggle??? I vote cut the losses now and end it! If anybody has something to say different, say it now otherwise I am gone.
Deuces.

NitaAnn Apr 2014

I am such a disappointment

I can see it in the way you look at me
Disappointment
Disappointment
Disappointment
I tried to warn you
I am not what you think I am
I am a failure just waiting to happen
The only thing I am good at failure and disappointment

Sorry to those who saw more in me than what I actually am. I am a failure and a huge disappointment.

NitaAnn Apr 2014

My Heart Beats for No Reason

Do you ever feel like your heart beats for no reason?
That it hurts and bleeds without your permission?
My heart beats in my chest, but it’s filled with sharp thorns, and every time it beats, it rips another hole in my soul. Every breath I take is burdensome. I force the air down my throat with volatile fury. The pain in my chest continues to surge with relentless abomination and at moments I find myself gasping for cool air and deliverance from this pain and anguish.

But there is no relief…