There's a HOLE in my bucket!
So I'm sorry if my badness contaminated you last night!

I tried to contain it all in my bucket but my bucket has a hole in it and all the BADNESS is leaking out! I am now in search of a bucket repair system so I can keep everything properly stored and contained so as not to bother anyone with my pain and badness.

I am sorry for the dissociation and the visible badness that leaked through the hole last night. The duct tape clearly is not as strong as they say...so I do hope I can find that bucket repair kit today so you will never have to see the badness and filth again.

I hope that I did not traumatize you too badly with my badness and I hope that you will forgive me for showing it to you. I do know how horribly traumatizing even hearing about my badness can be...which is why I tried so hard to keep it in the bucket.

I'm sorry for the frustration and pain I caused you and I will do my best to repair the bucket, using the tools you tried so diligently to teach me, and you will never have to be exposed to Nita's badness again.

Promise!

Sounds good...they say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting...

Come and share with me, allow me to show you a piece of myself when I trusted another, and then a piece of me after that trust was broken, shattered. Come and experience the vulnerability, the body memories, intrusive thoughts, the isolation and hopelessness… and the shame! Imagine you have someone to walk with you, beside you, someone you have learned to trust and after  the two of you walk side by side for several long miles, you finally allow yourself to take off the mask and be who you are, you share pieces of yourself that you wouldn’t share with another, and you finally feel accepted.

Then, imagine one day that person is gone. Well, he is still there, but he no longer walks beside you, he instead chooses to walk on the other side of the street. But you don’t know why. Must have been something you did, you must have shown something of yourself that was too scary, too shameful. So once again you walk alone. Only this time, you are no longer searching for another to walk beside you. Your trust has been shattered and you are no longer willing, or able, to reach out. You realize now that he was right. No one will believe you, or understand you, or even try. Because you are bad, you deserve nothing.

You must move on, be grateful for what you learned in this relationship. You are happy and safe now. You must be grateful for the wine and liquor that has allowed you some clarity, allowed your brain to function once again. You are not completely hopeless or unstable…you are an adult once again. The fact that you are once again living in silence of your true feelings, well, that’s okay now, because you did the risk analysis, and it is 75% less painful this way. And you have had enough pain in your life.

Focus on the positives! You have learned to hurt in solitude. You thought you had forgotten! Once again, it is so easy to hide your true feelings, and emotions, well, what are those? You feel smug realizing the recent validation that you were right not to trust, and you know now…you must be vigilant, stay guarded, and never let your walls down. No longer does the scared and broken little girl exist, this is the “NEW” you…she is gone for good this time.

People are not like dogs, dogs are always loyal, always accepting, people will hurt you if you give them a chance. Do not ever turn your back for there is always someone lurking with a sharp knife. Lie, lie, lie…if you HAVE to cry, and I suppose everyone does at some point, do not ever cry out loud! Keep it inside…hide your feelings! No one should ever see your tears! And smile, don’t frown or act depressed...those traits show a lack of confidence and weakness…remember: you were designed more for public than for private.

Hope for nothing more than what you have…do not hope for love, intimacy, for someone to care…not about the ‘real’ you. Keep the real you in ‘solitude’ never to see the light of day, this is the only way you will survive. Sweep up the bits and pieces of yourself, and carefully put them back into the box and store the box in the darkest corner of the closet. Show no one anything personal about you, not the real you. The past no longer exists. You are a confident, successful, happy woman…and that’s all anyone needs to know about you. Keep the rest to yourself…didn’t I tell you that, like, over 30 years ago?

Forgiveness...sounds good...they say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting...

But what if you do? What if something comes up and you don’t have room for me anymore? What if you do forget how much it hurts? …………but what if you don’t?
I have an idea of something that I think might work in trying to reopen the lines of communication with the therapist…but something is still holding me back…is it fear?  Trust?  Safety?  

A girl holds a pillow in front of her face, her eyes water but she doesn’t blink so no tears fall. She is screaming inside, “I am afraid. You will hurt me. You will destroy me. You will get sick and tired of me and you will throw me in the trash just as they did. I am afraid of you so I will remain quiet and I will try to be good.”

And another girl speaks, stubborn and questioning all thoughts of safety and trust, “Now you want to ‘hear’ me again? NOW? Where were you then when I needed you? Where were you? Why should I trust you? I did trust you and you took it away. Shattered me. I can’t let that happen again! It’s easier to deal with it myself than to trust someone else. You won’t be there when I am frozen in pain and forget how to breathe. You won’t be there. It is too much for you. I will not talk to you. You will tell me to get over it, stay in the present moment. If I tell you I need to hurt myself because I deserve it you will send me away. You won’t understand and you will think I am pathetic and weak. I will walk away right now! I do not need you or your help!”

Another voice questions the genuiness of the therapist’s words, “Why do you try so hard to be nice to me? I don’t need your kindness because it isn’t real. Your kindness cuts me, it makes me sad. It hurts more than any pain. I prefer to fight you and push you away because I know how to do that! I know how to fight back. If you accept me, if you know me and accept me and then still tell me you care and treat me with kindness and respect? And then if I accept your kindness and lower my wall, my defenses, then I will be exposed and you can hurt me then. You will hurt her.”

There is another girl, a smaller one, one who cries because she is so lost and afraid…because it hurts so much inside and she does believe in the therapist but the others, they won’t let her talk. They try to protect her but really they are hurting her. Because every night her body hurts, her body feels things that her mind cannot process. It scares her and leaves her aching with shame and badness. She whispers things we don’t speak of. She wants help now. She wants it to stop.

How do I make it stop? How do I make it stop for her? I am filled with uncertainty and pain. He told me he would be here. He said he would not leave me and he would try to help me to the best of his ability. He said my feelings are safe with him and he will not forget me.

Trust =  faith, belief, hope, conviction, confidence, expectation, reliance

The sordid talk of “trust”…

A recent email communication has inspired me to research and clarify the word “TRUST”. What does trust mean to you? When you set your alarm at night, do you ‘trust’ that it will wake you up in the morning? What happens if one day, it doesn’t? Would you then ‘distrust’ your alarm clock? How many chances would the alarm clock have to fail you before you shopped for a new, more reliable one?

Do you ‘trust’ that someone received something you left for them, or do you follow up to ensure receipt?

The Doctor-Patient relationship is based on “TRUST”

I don't remember a time I 'trusted', truly trusted, anyone. That is until I began working with dear therapist. I was thinking about how it takes a lifetime to gain trust and only a moment to lose it....sadly.... And I was reviewing the times the word 'trust' has been written or spoken by DT in the past 5 years. I dare say he has written, or said, the "T" word more in the last five years than I've ever said in my entire life!

Examples: (as you can see, I'm all about the 'evidence' big grin)

DT said: it took you over a year to develop the  trust  to let me know some things directly from your words....
DT said: Give ME your hate - because I am not making the pain go away. I won't go anywhere if you do.  Trust  me.
DT said: I ask that you try to  trust  what I am saying here and continue to commit to this our work together.
DT said: I  trust  in you and the strength of our working relationship.
DT said: you can  trust  that I and others will be there to help and support.
DT said: You will continue to challenge my concern and trustworthiness because this is what you have needed to do to protect the fragile self that has over learned self-reliance.
DT said: I will not abandon you because you are only going to lean into "trust  and need" to the extent that you are not collapsing.
DT said: You are slowly growing in your capacity to tolerate these feelings in the presence of another  trusted  person - NOT AN EASY TASK!
DT said: I understand is a long process and  trust  /fear/shame is involved.
DT said: Building  trust  with others and within yourself takes a long time.....given your starting position.
DT said: I insist that we have the  trust  and honesty about how you are doing and what you need.
DT said: There is so much learning, relearning,  trusting,  questioning, testing that you are doing. I  trust  that you will give it your best and your best will be good enough
DT said: Rest your head and  trust  that you are safe in your space right now., no one is going to hurt you and you are wrapped in your blue blanket with my faith enclosed.
DT said: I accept your anger at me for this (not that I like it…) and I  trust  that we will continue to work through new challenges honestly.
DT said: As you learn to  trust  and open up with the shame and fears and we keep you fully in your body during these times
DT said: Fundamental  trust  in the therapy relationship can take years and you are getting there slowly and slowly is necessary…
DT said: make arrangements with 'best friend' or someone else you  trust  to take your meds and give you only enough for 2 days at a time.
DT said: I  trust  that you will bring your fears, needs and whatever else shows up.
DT said: you are in the middle of a giant, long term test of me and others on whom you might have some  trust.
DT said: If I gave that impression, then that was my own "stuff" getting in the way of  trusting  you in knowing what is best for you.
DT said: The nature of your  trust,  distrust, anger, perceived loss of me is a major "therapeutic" aspect of your healing and our work together.
DT said: you can  trust  that I and others will be there to help and support.

Wow! That's a WHOLE lotta "TRUST" to push and push and push....and then to shatter into a million pieces in only a moment....

Did DT teach me to "trust"? Yes, he did.

...but more importantly, he taught me that it isn't safe to trust anyone. Not even a therapist who extended a 'life-line' to you every single night for 2 years.

I "trust" that he isn't "here" tonight.

I trust that he discarded me and left me here alone to try to put back the shattered pieces of my life...by myself!!!

Just as he trusts I will make the best decision for myself. (that sounds to me like he has thrown the proverbial 'trust' ball back into my court)

Dear Therapist, I see your "trust" and I raise you a "discarded, shattered, afraid, little girl"...who, after 5 years and thousands of dollars working with you....is back to trusting no one. And more deeply wounded than ever. I trust that the knife in my back will hurt for years to come. And I trust that the bad taste in my mouth will remain after a few bottles of wine.

Trust....my new 'drinking' game...I will drink 1 glass of wine every time I hear, or read, the word 'trust'…I should be sufficiently drunk, or at least buzzed, the majority of the time!


**Trust....trust - no - one!