Tonight, when I found myself in the bad place again,
I wrapped up in my blanket, grabbed the healing rock and my headphones
and went outside to the porch, and rocked…
feeling the cool air on my face,
listening to Macklemore’s song, “Starting Over”...
crying (but not sobbing),
trying to just breathe.
But then I started thinking about how the bad place leaves,
and then there is a moment, just a moment, of relief,
and then the bad place comes back…
and I started to think,
“Is this all there is? Is it ever going to get better?”
And that’s when the voice inside of me told me that she couldn’t do it any longer…
couldn’t hurt any more, it was too much,
and she was way too tired to fight the darkness anymore.

She took over my mind, I couldn’t fight her, and like a caterpillar eating a leaf, she began to eat away at the coherent part of my brain…she is now in control, she controls us, her decisions rule, I cannot fight her.

She went inside and locked herself in the bathroom.
The fighting began again…
the little girl was shaking, and rocking and crying,
afraid in the dark, afraid of what was going to happen
but unable to stop it.
She sobbed and begged for the strong one to help her,
to hold her, to come back.
But then another voice, the one who has had more than enough of this pain,
the one who sees no way out grabbed the razor blade and held it tightly.
And it was so loud, the arguing, the crying, the pleading, the begging…
the little girl, so scared,
sitting on the cold tile, curled into a ball, rocking and crying…
the hopeless one, holding the razor blade, wanting to cut.
And me, watching this girl from above…
as she struggled…
holding the blade to her wrist as the little girl fought to live,
shaking in her fear, crying out for the strong one to come to her,
to hold her, to comfort her.

Eventually, the struggle ended without bloodshed…
and I found myself sitting on the cold bathroom tile,
with a razor blade in my left hand,
poised at the artery on my right wrist,
shaking, and crying, and rocking myself...
they must have fought until they wore themselves out...
and physically and mentally exhausted,
I picked myself up, put the razor blade away,
wiped my face, and crawled into bed.

I’m doing everything I can right now. And I need to know when it will get better? I hurt every day. And tonight, I curl up in my bed, wrapped in a blanket…feeling the darkness fall upon me. It will get better soon, right? Because it’s not that late here and I feel it…and it hurts…

Please, sit with me tonight?
Because I am small and frightened….
Please? Sit with me and hold me…

Around and around and around we go….
Where CrazyBrain stops nobody knows...
Not even her!

I thought it was only my body he destroyed,
but sadly, while he destroyed my body,
He also destroyed my mind.
And now, every ounce of grey matter
Has been infiltrated with trauma,
Making every thought so distorted,
It is as though it is seen and processed through a carnival mirror.

I still have an above average IQ,
And can speak intelligently much of the time,
But only when it is about logical data
That has no emotional impact on me whatsoever.  
Take away the logic, and the statistical data,
And throw in some sort of (ICK) feeling or emotion...
And CrazyBrain takes over and that girl is on a personal mission
To distort and destroy...
And not even kryptonite will stop her!

Around and around and around we go….

I will heal...
I will hold my head high.
I will walk with confidence and grace
And spread my love and joy to all people, each person that I come in contact with.

I will heal…
I will give my opinion to others because my opinion is worthy of being given.

I will heal...
I will continue my journey because I can
And because I want too, not because anyone else wants it for me.
But because I am intelligent and wise and I am strong…
And I want to heal and feel whole.

I will heal…
I want to share my experiences and what I have learned with others,
Hoping it will give them a sense of hope.
I will heal…
I will walk this walk with confidence and grace and leave behind the shame and hate.
I will heal…
I will be beautiful on the outside and the inside.
I will let the beauty within me radiate around me and I will embrace that beauty.

I will heal…
I will accept my past, and all that has happened to me
And I will not be ashamed but instead realize that it has made me into the woman I am today.

I will heal…
I will take the circumstances that I have faced
And acknowledge them and learn from them,
But I will not let them control every decision I make
And limit what I do because they are just circumstances and not life deciding factors.

I will heal…
I will look into the mirror I will smile at who I am and who I've become.

I will heal…
I will run and play and I will become a positive role model for my children and others.

I will heal…
I will acknowledge the pain I feel inside,
And learn to cope without causing physical pain to myself.

I will heal…
I will accept that this is my life
And it's the only life I have so I will live it to the fullest and no one will stop me.

I will heal…
I will give to others all that I have to give
And I will smile as I do so because that is how I was created.

I will heal…
I will stand up for what I believe in
And fight for the beliefs I have.
I will not let someone else sway me from those beliefs.
And when need be, I will be firm, but loving,
And I will not back down from what I know is true.

I will heal…
I will share my story with others as I can
Because it is my strength and stronghold and the reason I am alive.

I will heal…
I will feel without judgment.
I will smile and I will laugh out loud and talk with excitement.
And I will cry and scream.
I will wrap myself tightly in my blue blanket and allow my tears to fall freely.

I will heal…
I will feel the embrace of those I love
and I will embrace others who need my love.

I will heal…
I will love me for who I am
I will embrace that which is me
And I will love life and seek to live it to the fullest.

I will heal…
I will make mistakes
And when I fall I will find a way back to my hands.

I will heal…
I will grieve my losses
And recognize that I was not ‘bad’
Because my father was not able to love me the way a child should be loved.

I will heal…
I will love with all I have in me.

I will heal...
I will give and give until I am tired and empty
Then I will be given too and refueled and I will go out and give again.

I will heal…
I will drive down the road with the windows down,
My hair blowing in the wind, singing “I WILL SURVIVE” at the top of my lungs.

I will heal…
I will live my life with purpose
And accept the life I have been given.

Someday, I will heal…

I think I'm losing my mind.
Maybe the lack of sleep…I don’t really know.
It always comes back to the fear & anxiety,
The rage and the sadness…
Drifting in and out of the past and the present.
I’m doing everything I can to keep from hurting myself tonight.
It’s been brewing for over a week now,
I don’t know how long I can keep it at bay.
It sits behind me, taunting me, breathing down my neck,
* “Nita, you know you can’t resist me much longer
Just do it – you’ll feel better, you know you will.”*

But it’s lying!
I may feel better for a few moments,
Maybe even a few hours, but it’ll all be back.
I don’t want to cut myself,
I don’t think I have the energy to deal with the blood and the band-aids
I don’t think I can even stop the bleeding tonight.
As much as I want to see it, to feel the pain,
I’m doing my best to hold it at bay.

Back to the wanting to give up stage.
Why does it always come back to this?
No one believes me – no one believes that the boogey man – he really does exist.
He is here! He comes here all the time, but no one believes me.
Therapist thinks I just need to “self-regulate” my emotions,
I need to “self-soothe” myself back into the present.
F@#k! At the “present” I don’t even know what year it is!
He is here!
He is around each corner, he is right here!
And he is clawing me, ripping me apart, limb by limb.
There isn’t much left – I’m in pieces already.
But no one will believe me.
Each day more pieces of me fall to the ground, neglected, forgotten.

But no one understands.
I want to rip her out of my body!
I scream at her,
“Leave me alone, you stupid whiny baby!
Go **** your thumb or whatever it is you do and leave me alone!
I hate you!!”

But no one gets it.
**** happens!
And when it does, some of us can’t deal with it!
It’s not manipulation,
It really is an inability to deal
With the overwhelming voices and feelings, hands on my body.
And yet no one cares, no one understands.

Does it ever stop?

How do others cope?

What the heck is wrong with me?

I took an internal inventory
And there’s nothing of value left in me:
He took my heart, my soul, and my body.
He destroyed my hope, my trust…what’s left?

Every day you wake up and you feel it,
There, within you, that implacable ache.
How do you explain the pain?
A shot or pill doesn't make it go away.
You suffer it.
It consumes you, the dark loneliness.
You look in the mirror; run your hands over your body
And are surprised to realize that you can't see or feel the hole you know is right there.
All day long it dogs your steps, mocking you as you try to ignore it and move past it, or around it.

Not understanding how to battle it,
Controlled pain gives you a fleeting sensation of triumph.
When you are dealing with the pain of an empty stomach,
The pain of bruised and lacerated flesh,
The dark ache is forced to the background.
You have triumphed!
You are tough!

You feel invincible
As the shadow has been made small
And been put in its place…all by you.
You begin to feel that if you can sustain the pain,
The silhouette will be forced to retreat forever.
But like any drug,
It begins to take more and more pain to win the battle.

You find yourself losing track.
How long has it been since I last ate?
Where did I put the razor?
People talk to you
And you don't really hear them,
You’re so focused on your own internal battle.
Everything starts to seem far away,
As though it isn’t really happening to you,
but a character on TV.

It has tricked you
And all you are doing is nourishing it.
Feeding, nurturing, encouraging it to grow.
With each of your attempts to erase the darkness from your spirit,
You are giving it the ultimate control.
Each act of self-inflicted pain is fostering the next,
Weakening your spirit and allowing the darkness to fester.
Your technique of starvation doesn't work any longer
Because you can't feel the pain,
So you move to cutting, purging, thinking that it will bring back that sensation.
The darkness cackles with amusement at your foolishness.

Each day, your body grows weaker,
Less able to sustain you.
Your physical power is depleting
Along with the power of your spirit.
The world is losing color and you begin to ignore it.
The battle inside has become all-consuming
And nothing else exists.
You feel sure that the next time you will defeat it.
Everything around you is the darkness, the pain,
The hole in your heart has engulfed your whole being and you need to fill it.
Because of this, because of your knowledge of the battle,
Of the strength it requires,
You stop listening to the weaker individuals around you.
They have no idea and couldn't possibly understand what you are dealing with.
They have no idea that you are failing!
You are losing this battle and nothing else matters.

How could they like someone as incompetent as you,
Let alone love you?
You can't even manage to handle something as simple as this little hole.
Your spirit has weakened.
What's left?
You are physically and spiritually weak,
Possibly dying, and you still have yet to achieve your goal.
The belief that sustained you,
The belief that you could create enough pain to banish the shadow, is fading.
Yet, you continue to hang on to it.
You need to get to that place of perfection…
If you can just get there,
You think you will be whole again
And you will finally be worthy of love,
Worthy of the admiration and respect you crave.
You will wage the battle in silence, never letting anyone know,
So the victory will be that much sweeter,
The love and respect more worthwhile for the extra effort required to earn it.

You keep telling yourself that
Soon you will be able to walk in the light
Not realizing that your resources are depleting quickly.
You have become trapped.
You can't escape.
The light is so small now.
You know that the end is coming.

Do you wait for it?
Do you let go and die?
Do you do the unthinkable and ask for help?
Both options are unpalatable,
As they require an admission of failure,
The admission that you could not conquer the darkness on your own.
An admission of how weak you really are.

The first is the easier option.
You let go and let the darkness wash you away.
You never have to face the ones you have been fighting for.
You never have to see their disappointment in you.
It is the cowardly way.
You have avoided your punishment for failure.
It is the end, the ultimate surrender.

Or, you face them,
The ones you have tried to impress,
And admit to them that you lost.
This is the true test of your determination,
To admit your weakness and ask for help.
This is a true sacrifice.
To face them, knowing that they won't understand or they may not care.
The pain of opening yourself up is more painful than any bruise, cut, or empty stomach.
You have to face all that you fear.
All that you have been fighting and more,
You face the total destruction of your spirit,
A total loss of who you are and the loss of the world as you know it.

Your first true combat with the darkness begins.
You feel alone… you feel stripped and naked.
You feel fear.
You have bared your soul, you have admitted defeat.

The real battle has begun.