For years now
I have had an affair
What's wrong with me...
Nobody cares.
It is a long story
I suppose
About the one habit
I believe I chose.
When things happen
In my miserable life,
I can not help but
Answer the call of my blade.
These scars on my body
No, they are not your fault.
It is all my doing,
It is all my fault.
Why can I not be normal?
I ask myself all the time.
Why can I not erase
This life of mine??

I am more than the lies that he told me, more than the words that he said
I am good for more than making him happy and serving him in that bed

I am more than this pain, anguish, and hurt that upon me he placed
I will no longer allow my mind, body, and spirit within his power to be disgraced

I am more than the weight of my world, guilt, and shame that I carry
I am digging through this dirt to find my soul to quickly unbury

I've slowly reopened up my wounds, unraveled my secrets for the world to see
Bleeding them out through my words to kind ears and I allowed it strengthen me

I am grieving and mourning but no longer being swallowed up by my past
I will become more then these flashbacks and memories that continue to last

I am more than my sad days, my failures, setbacks, and tears
One day no longer will I be controlled by my minds possession of so many fears

I am more than some victim, and that broken damaged little thing
I can now find joy in this world, be uplifted, my heart can begin to sing

I am floating around this earth, a ghost, unnoticed, and empty.
Yet I leave footprints in the sand.
I breathe, and I walk, my heart beating but I feel dead
All I had, every part of me was cut off.
Falling to the ground to disintegrate at the feet of the one causing my pain
I was stuck in the body of this dead child unable to break free
But I grew, somehow
I transformed and became something else, someone else
I left her body there. I saw what he was doing to her
So I floated away and she perished with her words stuck in the back of her throat
Words that formed screams and screams that turned into begging
Begging to understand, begging for it to stop
Begging for an answer, but none came
Now I feel non-existent. Just a soul, traveling in search
In search of something, in search of life, in search of hope
Maybe still searching for an answer
I continue my search yet I find it difficult to move in this decomposed body
These hands are dead, these feet are dead, my heart is dead
My everything is dead
I must put that little one to rest, So I can breath
Closing her eyes, and crossing her hands across that dead heart
I release her
Awakening the spark of life back into my veins
It ignites like fire, then flows through me and down to my fingertips
Throwing all numbness, shame, and guilt in that coffin with her
I lower her body into the dark earth and say goodbye
I tell her I'm sorry no one ever saved her
Throwing dirt on her grave I walk away
I walk away knowing its ok to feel
To be here, surviving, even though she didn't
I can be alive for her, because she never got the chance
I can feel life pulling at my ankles begging me to join it and to simply let her rest
So I follow life, to breathe, to walk, to keep my heart beating
Yet more than that.
To feel, to love and be loved, to learn and to know
To remember and yet move forward
To feel not like a ghost but as this beautiful butterfly I have transformed into.

Last night
I could not sleep
Nightmare after another
Kept calling back
My memories
Unbidden and clear.
Last night
I dreamt of him.

These memories are knives stabbing me repeatedly in the heart…
Killing me slowly.
I want to stop thinking about this.
I want to move on but it is as if someone has pressed rewind on my life
And is forcing me to continue to go back and relive.
The memory…
All of these memories are everywhere.
It is all I see, all I feel, all I know…
I need a break.
I want to run and hide
But they just all follow me.
Lurking in the darkness bringing me back to their reality.
Please leave me alone…
Please let me rest…
Please just give me one moment of peace.
I am so tired, mentally, emotionally, physically…
I just need to rest my eyes.
Just give me one night of rest…..