summers in the air
(and all my bad intentions too)
i skipped playing 21 questions
'cause i had so much to hide.
still not sure how to cover the scars.
quite evidently, everyone wants to believe
everything but the truth

i soaked my pillow in
glitter tears and your name.
i know it’s not supposed
to be this hard to get out of bed
or live out the conscious hours
of a day.

when your life settles
you’re gonna miss me and
wish you wiped my eyes
when they welled up
because of you.
i hope you handle the quiet
better than i do

im back
this time adding more colors
to my hair as i lose it from my lips.
left all my beds unmade
and my voicemail full.
this ******* house makes
my ears bleed
the watery sun cant thaw bones
stuck in their coffin

how come you only need me
when nobody is around?
you had eyes like mine
until i saw the slightest hint of malice.
i used to believe in a lot of things
but i dont think we can share a street
that we once loved on.
you with your ******* problems and dimples
making me lose my appetite every other day.
were your eyes reflecting mine?

i dont remember when
i swallowed all the blue in the world
but all i know is the exhaustion
and the red on my arms
i promise everything started out with
good intentions but i cant promise
anything after that
i cant find any empty spaces in my head
or any whole pieces of my heart

rage diet you keep feeding
with empty promises.
you want to hold my hand
while the rest of me falls apart.
i really like you, but a little less
when you touch me.
the rage is distorting my face
and you still call me pretty

I lost my mind the moment
I tied my sanity to boys with soft smiles.
falling hard has become my aesthetic

i love you
but i know i'll leave you.
warming your bones have
turned mine brittle.
i was 14 when the boys with sad eyes
started picking me apart
im not far from 21 and all I wished for
last year was to shed the skins
that have touched mine

i cant afford the therapy i need
so i take another drag
of stolen cigarettes and lips
that have no business near
my sharp tongue.
last year felt like you and i
were the only 2 alive.
this year i wish i could die
on command

i'll dry my own eyes
for the summer
and hope that I can hold
a heart gently this time.
been trying to conceal
the internal conflict showing
under my eyes, with glitter.
I hate that you're the one
who has someone, night after night
And you still ask why I can't sleep.
think i'll sit out this weekend.
again

i don't remember when
the lies became defining
but i know they were as necessary
as the cheap cigarettes.
the sky wasn't the only blue
the day you returned all my things.
i lost the plot last summer and you
(saw the Christmas lights without me).
you tell me fix myself
i told you it's only temporarily crippling,
the sadness, but i can't take another hit.

this year i have known loss
like an unpredicted storm.
i lost my mind,
long before i ever admitted i did,
to the tempest raging inside,
kicking up everything in her path.
i tried to stay where the sun is
but I've been sobbing for a wink of sleep
at 3am.
i fill the restlessness
with twisted allegories about a future
in which my mind isn't in smithereens.
i line my eyes brightly to distract you
from the madness and sadness
wildly coursing behind them.
and you believed me when i told you i was okay.

i pray for sleep tonight
and if i do sleep,
i pray i wake up the same person.
i know you're tired of the different sides
and i'm too tired to pretend i care

call me
we'll talk about the hole in my soul
and the one i left in your heart
when we were 14.
your smile makes the girls weak
and me sick, knowing who it's kissed.
i tried to be warm for you but im born in the middle of winter