when your life settles
you’re gonna miss me and
wish you wiped my eyes
when they welled up
because of you.
i hope you handle the quiet
better than i do

im back
this time adding more colors
to my hair as i lose it from my lips.
left all my beds unmade
and my voicemail full.
this ******* house makes
my ears bleed
the watery sun cant thaw bones
stuck in their coffin

i soaked my pillow in
glitter tears and your name.
i know it’s not supposed
to be this hard to get out of bed
or live out the conscious hours
of a day.

i don't remember when
the lies became defining
but i know they were as necessary
as the cheap cigarettes.
the sky wasn't the only blue
the day you returned all my things.
i lost the plot last summer and you
(saw the Christmas lights without me).
you tell me fix myself
i told you it's only temporarily crippling,
the sadness, but i can't take another hit.

i dont remember when
i swallowed all the blue in the world
but all i know is the exhaustion
and the red on my arms
i promise everything started out with
good intentions but i cant promise
anything after that
i cant find any empty spaces in my head
or any whole pieces of my heart

i love you
but i know i'll leave you.
warming your bones have
turned mine brittle.
i was 14 when the boys with sad eyes
started picking me apart
im not far from 21 and all I wished for
last year was to shed the skins
that have touched mine

i cant afford the therapy i need
so i take another drag
of stolen cigarettes and lips
that have no business near
my sharp tongue.
last year felt like you and i
were the only 2 alive.
this year i wish i could die
on command

call me
we'll talk about the hole in my soul
and the one i left in your heart
when we were 14.
your smile makes the girls weak
and me sick, knowing who it's kissed.
i tried to be warm for you but im born in the middle of winter

how come you only need me
when nobody is around?
you had eyes like mine
until i saw the slightest hint of malice.
i used to believe in a lot of things
but i dont think we can share a street
that we once loved on.
you with your ******* problems and dimples
making me lose my appetite every other day.
were your eyes reflecting mine?

i'll dry my own eyes
for the summer
and hope that I can hold
a heart gently this time.
been trying to conceal
the internal conflict showing
under my eyes, with glitter.
I hate that you're the one
who has someone, night after night
And you still ask why I can't sleep.
think i'll sit out this weekend.
again

rage diet you keep feeding
with empty promises.
you want to hold my hand
while the rest of me falls apart.
i really like you, but a little less
when you touch me.
the rage is distorting my face
and you still call me pretty

summers in the air
(and all my bad intentions too)
i skipped playing 21 questions
'cause i had so much to hide.
still not sure how to cover the scars.
quite evidently, everyone wants to believe
everything but the truth

I lost my mind the moment
I tied my sanity to boys with soft smiles.
falling hard has become my aesthetic

i pray for sleep tonight
and if i do sleep,
i pray i wake up the same person.
i know you're tired of the different sides
and i'm too tired to pretend i care

this year i have known loss
like an unpredicted storm.
i lost my mind,
long before i ever admitted i did,
to the tempest raging inside,
kicking up everything in her path.
i tried to stay where the sun is
but I've been sobbing for a wink of sleep
at 3am.
i fill the restlessness
with twisted allegories about a future
in which my mind isn't in smithereens.
i line my eyes brightly to distract you
from the madness and sadness
wildly coursing behind them.
and you believed me when i told you i was okay.