i wish the things you told me 15 feet up were as concrete as the streets below us
your very existence is extraordinary to me
you came into my life like a meteor
beautiful from far away but also chaotic and damaging
sometimes chaos can be beautiful too though
the weight of your words is stronger than the gravity keeping my feet planted on this balcony’s ledge
you dared me to leap and promised you would catch me when i land
but you can’t catch us both can you
i know you’re running away from the darkest parts of yourself
i know you know the difference between right and wrong
begging for freedom begging for releases
i want so badly to believe the sighs and secrets of our past were as full of vibrancy and authenticity as the crowded city square
i wish time could turn back suns like the pages of a ***** magazine
i want so badly to replay the events of that night and question the transparency of your words
our worlds collided and my heart flatlined when you kissed me
i think i died that night and came back for you
haha

i want to know your pain
i want to know your name your face
your touch is euphoric and

i’m in deep with someone who might be emotionally unavailable
and i guess i need to get over that somehow
or figure it out
or go to sleep

enamored
euphoric
ecstasy
passion
fire

when i met you i set fire to my past
you struck a chord and i struck the match
have you ever met someone and known that you needed them to be a part of your life
and you wonder how you ever thought you knew passion or love or fear or pain
but i’m scared
i’m scared to lose that feeling that i didn’t know was possible to contain in me
i’m ******* enamored and ******* depressed
you’re exactly what i needed to walk into my life
and i know i was that for you too
unfortunately it seem you were not ready for me
and i feel my heart pulsating with passion
i don’t even need your touch
i’m just lacking from your gaze
but you’ve already walked out of the door

i have literally never ******* felt like this before in my life i feel like i can’t breathe but it’s not oxygen that i need

passion
intellect
euphoria
respect
admiration
emptiness
regret

was this a mistake? i’m in pain that things are the way they are
and i know you are in pain because of life and loss of love
i can still taste you on my lips and feel your gaze imploring me
and all i want to know is what is going on in your ******* head
i could pour myself into your soul forever

left brain right brain
i hope i’m on your mind

but oh my god does it even ******* matter??? was this all just an experience made to build me up and drag me down? i’m scared to think that love like that can just come into your life and then be gone the moment you walk out of the door. love like that passion like that honesty like that raw like that truth like that. i have never felt so much oneness with another soul.

my thoughts are scattered across my bedroom and my insecurities are creeping through the cracks in the walls.

was it the drugs? or was it us?

at first i thought it was just the trip that was making you gravitate to me but then your mouth met mine and my heart exploded in my ******* chest. i refuse to believe that sensation was caused by anything other than you, but at the same time i’ll admit substance probably allowed us to make that connection.

i just want you to be able to talk to me. i know you haven’t let your past go and i fear you aren’t really ready to. and that is okay.

you’re on my mind.

my feelings are hurt but not only from you
you are an actual dream
and all my nightmares animated

i miss your touch

i would risk it all for another chance
weak in the knees and weak in the heart
you’re a dream and i don’t want to ever wake up

sleep here with me now and hold me in your arms
tell me that it’s okay and that i’m crazy
crazy for you crazy for me crazy for feeling this way
i want to know your plans
and how involved in them i am
when you wake tomorrow will i be forgotten?
your words reassure me but i’m poisoning myself
stabbing myself in the back
sabotaging myself


we lost ourselves and i found the best parts of myself when i found you
i have never felt so connected
so gravitated
towards another soul in my life
and i feel NAIVE for letting myself get so headass so quickly
very poetic

colorful
vibrant
raw
genuine
cathartic

who are you? and how did you creep past my walls?
i crave your authentic self
i want to actualize your wildest fantasy
fulfill your every whim
please just make me feel good again ******* it
touch me

quivering
trembling
buzzing
sighing
touching
laughing
crying

you always ask if what you do or say will make me hate you
but there’s not a **** thing you could do that would make that true
i’m ******* buzzing over you
are you thinking about me?
pollinate me
you’re on my ******* mind
running circles i’m getting fit

i am rambling
a conscious stream of raw thoughts and emotion
really missing that serotonin spike

i hate myself for feeling things
but i love the way it makes me feel
it’s ******* tragic and dangerous
getting off on my own pain
playing the most dangerous of games
i’m hanging on your every word

i just wanna sleep in your arms tonight again

sitting in the dirt with my face turned up at the sky
i am thinking of you
i came to this place tonight to collect my thoughts
but i am only thinking of you
with eyes wide i open i came to the golden goddess        
begging her take away my fears and apprehension
i basked in her glory and warmth
and let a single tear roll down my cheek and back into the earth
but as she quietly crept behind the covers i am left with nothing more than my thoughts of you
the night is dark and cold and full of terrors
but i’m paralyzed by my feelings and held captive by my thoughts
insects are eating away at my insecurities and flesh
i want to know how to feel
looking down on the city lights and up at the moon it makes me feel small
i find myself thinking about your existence and how we both lived an entire lifetime before locking eyes
at this moment i am compelled, turning to the moon for comfort i see her and i feel the intensity of your gaze
you are coursing through my system like a drug like the blood that runs through my veins like the air i ******* need to keep breathing
all i ask is that you be kind to me
i try to understand the gravity of your existence and its separateness from my own
and i am thinking of you

and as i wept the glowing embers continued to smolder and sing
tendrils curling up into the starry sky
reaching, dancing, dissipating
gently kissing the freckled face of the night sky
i looked to you and saw a path untouched by pain
yet ravaged by regrets
as i reached out into the blind night for your cold embrace
i was met with a chill of the evening that shook me to my brittle core
“where are you now?”
Once met with silence i turned my face to the heavens and prayed for warmths return
after a night of solace and ingratitude, the suns light filters down through the whispering woods and says,
“you will never be truly alone.”

as a collective, we posses fragmented memories
broken memories
memories lost in haze
and memories saturated in red
memories of yesteryear, reminisced after a six pack of beer
dog-eared and torn, degraded and worn
haphazardly recalled to the forefront of our minds
coloring in the forgotten spaces with the most colorful crayon
discarded at the bottom of your childhood closet
warped and yellowed
we are afflicted by the warped and yellowed pages in the back of our heads

and that is how we come to be
the people, the places- your hopes and dreams
everything shaded by a veil of ambiguity
the veil of death
nothing is real, anymore
(if it ever was)
nothing is original
no one will ever live up to the expectations you hold over them
not the girl sitting in the back of your sophomore year bio class
not the boy with a broken past and a broken (and burned) wrist
sitting back to back

nothing is precious
and no one is innocent
original thought is dead
original content is dead
origins are a fallacy
and i am a non-believer
we are, as a collective, one
wearing a mask of a dead girl’s skin
collecting personalities like seashells
grotesque piles of rotting flesh piled high
suffocating me

me?
ripping away at the light
at the others, the half-people
forcing chunks of decaying flesh down my throat
covering my decomposing body; piled high around me
the impending doom of the tidal wave of stolen lives
broken memories, broken truths, broken lives
waiting to crash over me and take back what is theirs
false prophets screaming convoluted cries of conviction
the chaos of knowing that what is me is hollow
and that what is really left of me is dead

(a.m.) 06/29/16

you can't say that I was the one who kicked you out of my heart, when I spent months kicking and screaming, begging for you to come back to me. I sat, festering inside myself for days, and did nothing but stare at the walls that had a nasty habit of only showing where your fingers brushed against their sickly white barriers. walls.
I'll never forget the pleasant  cool feeling of the staccato wall of our high school,  pressed up against my back when you first kissed me. I'll never forget the day I wrote your name in the sand. I'll never forget the day that you built a wall so high around your heart, that not even you would dare to reach inside, for fear of falling in, and never finding a way out. I used to pretend that after the years, you'd let down your flowing golden rod hair, and I'd climb my way back into your soul, but I see now why they call happy endings like that fairy-tales. I loved you then, and I love you now, but you are no longer the bearer of my soul. you no longer hold my beating heart in your cold hands. I've spent weeks scaffolding the burnt brick built up about your breast, refusing to look down, refusing to see reason, to look to the crashing sea below me, but the trembles from your wrath shook me off and broke me down, and sent me plunging into the churning sea below. the powerful waves, held me down, stole my breath, broke my strength. It was what bound me. kept me in delusion. yet, it was bliss, and the choking vice around my lungs rid me of the hunger and the pain. I let myself drown in you, and drifted, broken, to the new shore. I allowed you to flood my lungs to keep me afloat. little did I realize, it was your iron grasp on my heart keeping my head above the waves. or was it my hope for you that held me up? was it my optimism of a better place that drifted me? I guess I'll never know.
it is with new legs, and fresh face, that I humbly walk these new shores, that I bear my heart and soul to breathe another lover's name, once again.

(a.m.)(e.a.h.)
08/19/14

The value of a good name cannot be put onto a dollar or in the bank.
It is not something that is sold nor bought.
It cannot be seen nor held
Yet should be treated as a jewel.
It should be regarded as a prized physical possession.
And as all prized possessions, it can be stolen.
It is a fire kindled by the goodness of oneself and the purity of intention.
The fire once kindled; easy to preserve. Yet sadly, as all fires, can be extinguished.  
An arduous task to rekindle a strong fire. To redeem that of the past.
It can't be re-credited from ones own experience; not from their rewards.
It is rebuilt from the adversity; from the tribulation, heartache, and regret.
A good name is the reward of forgiveness and maturity.
The reward for understanding and suffering.
It is a reward from those whom admire.
From those you need.
From those you have loved.
And The ones you have hurt.