i am a field of
tragedy
a farm maze
mystery
i will never truly know why my flowers
get stepped on the most
killer with chemical criticism
i am a lonely
wishing well
but there will never be enough pennies nor
wishes
to fill the vast open space
of my hearts home
this cardiovascular *******
that throbs too much
to even want anymore
i don’t think you want me anymore
i’ve just been waiting for you to say it
waiting for you to
**** the field with enough fertilizer
that the next girl you’ll find
won’t even know what it’s like
to live in a garden as radiant as
mine

i have so much anger
too much to even think about
yet alone deal with
i am rage
firecracker
burning at my fingertips
that cannot stop
shaking
i have never felt so alone
but yet surrounded by people
i feel like i have been swimming
in a tunnel
and i have no idea how to float here
no idea how to
breathe
on this planet
it’s the most natural thing to do
except i don’t know how to
hold my lips together and inhale
i don’t know how to open my mouth
and exhale
i have no clue how to forget
my brain is scared with your
hateful lies and mistakes that happen too often to be called mistakes
madness is a maze in my head
and i don’t think i even wanna complete the puzzle
there will always be too many pieces to put together because there’s so many lies that have been told
too much hope
melting off of my body
too long of a tunnel to swim through

i used to be afraid of dying
but now i am terrified of living
people are terrifying too
but yet so resilient
i have no idea how to be around people without wanting to run away and hide
forever
i am the most sad and the most content
when i am
alone
my hands repetitively shake almost as repetitively as i write about them shaking
i am a garden who used to be planted with a line of beautiful
fruits and vegetables
but now my plants are rotting
almost like me
i am so hurt and broken
that i don’t think my garden will ever blossom again

i think i’m addicted to pain
almost like i’m addicted to mint
an inhale of nicotine
is an exhale of anxiety
it gets rid of that **** quick
but nicotine doesn’t get rid of
you
it makes you stay
it makes me stay
i know i shouldn’t ******* stay
you haven’t changed
you’re cruel
you’re manipulative
you’re hungry
for the meat on another girls bones
i think you already started eating her
you ate me forever ago
no meal etiquette
just your filthy hands
but i guess you don’t need meal etiquette
when you only want a quick snack
before we go out for recess
i’m on the swing
swinging away my slippery beginnings
there is absolutely no ending
you run out to the playground
ready to play with
me
you just forgot to wipe the snack crumbs from the last girl off your face
he kicks the mahogany mulch
like an angry uniform school boy
i kick my life away
like an abandoned woman
i’m the only one who should be angry but i’m not
i don’t know what emotion it is when
when i collapsed a long time ago
and yet i’m still collapsing
a cold cheating collision
you are always
the instigator of the collisions
he says he loves me but i know that he’s lying
he just loves the *** and he knows i supply him
now supply me with the truth
and you’ll tell me half of it
while holding me down on the couch
so i don’t run out of apartment 16
it’s like a sleeping cycle
you just don’t sleep
we scream
i get up and throw stuff
and keep hitting you
you’ll wrap your hands around my throat
to tame me but
ill just carve my fingernails into my legs
i just drew a maze
i shake profusely
while you yell about how
crazy
i am
we finally come to end
i inhale nicotine
i exhale anxiety
while you breathe normally
and wait to see if i come back this time
i think i’m addicted to pain

i said i wouldn’t write about
anxiety
told myself that it was over
tucked in the treasure chest
and threw the key
in to outer space
because i just wanted
to make some
******* space
told myself that anxiety belongs on a
planet of pure
vacancy
vast open with a welcome mat that
says
welcome
but its funny
because i never said thank you
in the first place
allowed my tree trunk to split open
and let you water the roots inside me
because i told myself i would grow
when you turned on the water hose
my roots shot up
they were thirsty
this was always the scary part
never wanted my roots to grow leaves
to plant seeds
at least
not for a while
i take daily trips
tripping over the cucumbers and watermelons in the garden
hoping to find someone to tell me
what’s wrong with me
tell me why i keep finding bruises
because she thinks it’s low blood sugar
tells me to stick my arm in the
cylinder of results
glued down in all pharmacies
i tell her this pharmaceutical ******* has got to go
i ask the chrysanthemums
how come when i drive my body shakes
and i can feel my foot on the peddle wobbling
no one in the car feels it but me
the gas peddle keeps jumping under my feet like a jack in a box
told it to chill the **** out
this isn’t a nursery
this is 2am showers to rinse the hate of the world off of my body
or the fake hate for you
fruits of eden dangling like
ornaments
on a burning christmas tree
i am the burning christmas tree
people decorating me with jesus popsicle sticks
hiding all of me with glass shaped memories
my sticky branches and pine scent has never been enough
welcomed you home with aroma
as strong as
your hands during bickering
i lit the mohnagny teakwood candle
watched the hot wax spill
and melt a mount
on the dinner table
figured why not make this a forest fire
of truth
burn all the lies
while my carmel skin clings to
my brittle bones trying to
keep them warm as i
continue to shake
in the timeout corner
but then i remember i said
i wouldn’t write about
anxiety

lately at night i have
felt so close to the moon
but not close meaning distance
but close meaning
the moon is sending me on a mission
of ceasing mourning it’s taking me
to a universe i always
begged to live on
i mean the moon has me under its
spell
an aura of another soul
they feel incredibly heavy
their emotions melting into my skin
a teenage heart can only hold so much
pain
the moon is sending me on a mission
to test the winds strength
to blow my mind to a far away place
more unique than outer space
i am astronaut
locked and vacant
this place is forever sacred
this is where the memories were vacuumed into a black hole
i can finally feel my refreshed soul
my mouth open
my lips a small canal
ready for mother nature’s
water to slither through and set sail
a body of hope
eager for coconut oils to smooth the edges of the broken fold
the moon is sending me on a mission
and maybe it’s not for me to rebuild my world
but
i do want to start over
allow the atmosphere of outer space be my admirer
make it my safe place
the moon
circumference wide like the opportunities
filling cylinders with mace
sun glazin on my skin
this mission
was so
zen

a note for you
written by
me
when i talked to you i wasn’t
trying to hurt you
i was trying to tell you that i’m hurting so bad
i forget that lying in a grave is sad