Over time, the rain could no longer bring joy. the car rides were only to work. To responsibility. Food became necessity. No fun in necessity. Shared, but not. Satisfied, but not.

Everything we loved together became grey. Everything we shared became pain. Responsibility. Burden.

Behind the computer screen it eats your brain like a caterpillar on a leaf and tells you you like it. You like it. Hours, days, months. You like it. Outside the world is burning but your eyes are transfixed, your soul mind heart body eyes ears attuned to only one thing. The thoughts can’t reach you there. The fire can’t burn you here. But the fire is burning you. You are burning but you don’t care. You like it. It tells you that you like it.

When I ground myself in reality sometimes it’s jarring
I’m talking to myself, I’m alone in my own head
Sometimes it feels like everyone I’ve ever known is in there

I play different narratives in my head sometimes so that I don’t have to face reality
I pretend that people care about me the way I crave to be cared about
That I’m desired and seen and made to feel important
I think about it so much I don’t think about too much else
I forget to think about myself and other things because I spend so much time in my own stories

For being raised by a misogynist I have some really ******* large claws

A professor enjoying my individual creative work
And a boss recognizing my ability to work with little support
Two men appreciating me for my brain

Life is the bag of colourful Knick knacks that my nan picked off of the street
Like putting your hand in a bag of jax blindly
Drawing out different and new unexpected things