i've done the dirtiest things with you but i've never felt so clean

like my bodies submerged in cold wet gray sand
It's not night nor nowhere near it
it's the middle of the day but the sky is gray, lifeless, there is no sun
the water is crashing against some distant rocks and
the birds are screaming

carefully unlace the leather punctured into my lips, undo the intricate patterns steady hands spent years knotting
  stitch by painful stitch
   these years have taught my body to ward against the idea of letting anything slip, the quiet of my own mind is the safest place for anything I have to say for it to reside, for it to eat me up and make me rot from the inside out
   i am in pain, my voice is a tormentor from within
willing it to rumble will be as difficult as using my tight throat
   i need to be ripped away from the comfort of silence
there is much to be said

i hope that you don't hold a grudge against my selfish heart
we all have our self-sustaining behaviors
i hope you can eventually see it the way i saw it even if you also see all of the err, the same err i drown myself in when i feel low

but in order to get to the places you want, sometimes you have to pull some strings
you were just another person that i ran over in my unclear path of (de)construction
i didnt mean to treat you like a marionette -even if im sure thats what it feels like in your heart
i guess behind my own eyes i am a demanding puppet master that uses real human beings as her toys

they make me want to bite my lips raw
put my hands in my hair and tug
that's not me, that person making all of those terrible decisions
I didn't know better
let me go back in time

my brain overtrained in ways to say no, ways to guard my well being
why is it that I never listen to my brain until it's too late, why do I disregard the gut feeling telling me I don't need to drown myself in my terrible habits
that these habits can take everything away from me
my brain is the only thing telling me no
it used to be a whisper, but now it's a stern voice
it's progress but it's nothing in comparison to the rest of my body screaming yes
my heart beating wildly in my chest and my veins burning in my body
when I need reassurance I tell myself just one more time
sometimes I don't even try to hide it, I'm lying to myself and I know it
I'm watching myself act like a ****** in it for the thrill
the funny thing is I know I'm not stupid, I know I'm able
but I'm weak and my body bends at the knees everytime I find a way to get myself off
I act like someone completely different than I feel
I make these decisions wildly, ignoring the sweet, smart girl I am