There is something about crying in the shower.
It soothes my crouching body in warm drops.
Erases my anxiety, makes me connected
To something.
I cant do that with people anymore.
Connect, you know?
****, when you've gone through so many close friends?
You kind of get used to being ready to move on.
Immediately.
My smiles, my made up face, are friendly.
Inside I feel the defense come up that keeps me
From feeling close.
And it feels safe, you know?
That disconnect.
It's just second-nature to me now.

If I close my eyes tight enough I can feel your skin again.
My fingers can be locked tightly between yours again.
Your breath dances on my cheek...again.
I'm trapped in desperation to be close to you again.
I find myself wrapped in your shirt you sent me off with
Sprayed in your cologne that reminds me it wasn't a dream.

Fingers through my hair, running down my face.
Who have I become? Not a trace
Of who I intended to be in the first place.

When did I decide it was okay
Not to stand my ground, let myself decay
And welcome sadness in, let it stay?

I've really gotta learn to to love myself.
Put self-hatred down, leave it on a shelf.
Never let it weigh me down again.

He carries me away and we sync.
I am in love.
With the way he moves, his purity, his honesty.
I am in love
With the partnership, the trust, and the power.
In him is a reflection of myself.
An image of the soul at its deepest.
He's the one presence I could never live without.
The true love of my life
The horse.