Guys always think that when a girl says "she's fine", she's not fine.
When I'm not fine. I don't say anything.
A desperate attempt of a thin sheet covering my naked emotions
Knowing full well that this sheet will only cover me if I'm good enough at using it.
Well I've grown accustomed to using it
Like a silencer on a loaded gun
I have a silencer on my loaded mouth.
You see I am an expert at silence
The deafening monotone of nothingness ringing in my ears.
I found peace in the darkest places of my own consciousness,
Hiding in it's cave like walls,
A bear in hibernation.
'Don't poke the bear.'
A bear is only silent when it's sleeping, or hunting.
I,too have hunted the wilderness of broken dream tree trunks and engulfing self-pity oceans.
But I never seem to catch the hope filled prey.
Maybe because I am both the predator and the prey.
The yin and the yang
The hope and despair.
My mind is so used to fighting itself that it should have been in fight club.
1st rule of fight club...Don't talk about fight club.
Don't talk about fight club
Don't.
Talk.

Should I believe in you?
Maybe it would be good to,
Have someone controlling things,
Someone protecting my heart strings.

Dear god, if your listening,
The ocean is glistening,
As I sit and watch it,
Is this your spirit?

Do you even exist?
Or is it just a twist,
In the fairytale.

There is a heaven up there,
Or so they say, it could be bare,
But they don't care,
Because they have their spirituality.

Sometimes I think to myself, is it worth it?
When I ponder on my life and it hurts a little bit,
To be shut out and pulled down.
It's like I'm wearing a crown
Of all the stupid things that circle my head at night.
I want to see the light,
Walk towards this thing of wonder
And still see the things that are under
My skin.

I want to be that little piece of happy
Rather than all these feelings of ******
Disbelief and low self worth.
Feel the earth
Beneath my feet
And realise that with out my friends and family, I, am incomplete.

No more hiding behind the classic fake smile,
Think of life in a different style.
Allow myself to be filled,
With joy, we can rebuild.

No need for drugs or self mutation,
This train's coming to a different station,
Because I can be free.
In the end it's only me,
So why not reach a decision,
To not let fear blind our vision.

Control our own situation,
For how ever long duration.
There is truly only one life, that we get to live.
You should turn around and give
Your real smile, the real you
And maybe if you're lucky you'll see their real self, too.

She took me by the hand, I was surprised,
She told me "you should close your eyes".
I did exactly as she said,
Completely unaware as she led.
We ended up on a beach somewhere,
I didn't even really care.
Such beauty and peace,
But she said "hey let's go to Greece".
Travelling just her and I,
Underneath the bright blue sky.
Who knows where we'll end up next,
This big wide world is so complex.

My work is a beautiful disaster.
So pointless yet so great,
Ugly and amazing,
Stupid and genius.

My painting shows me,
The way I express myself.
Little pieces of my soul on the canvas,
Left for the world to see.

My drawing is all that I am,
All that I see,
And all that I feel.

Creativity has saved me,
Helped me find who I am.
Showed me how to get out,
The things that are trapped inside.
Buried deep below,waiting,hiding
Where no one can find it.

Through drawing,painting and writing.
I am a beautiful disaster.

Driving to my uncle's farm
Over in Rata.
The trip feels so much shorter then usual,
Excitement building up inside.

As we reach the house and get out of the car,
We go to meet her.
Rose.
The most beautiful dog in all the land,
So happy and so healthy.
The way she ran around the paddock,
With such speed and enjoyment.

I will always remember that day,
Until I die.
I always wanted a dog
And she was it.

All I could ever ask for,
Was her.
She's so perfect
And so intelligent.

Fits in to the family exceptionally well
And she's come so far since then.

She was sixteen in this crazy world
She had big dreams and her hair was curled
Just a young daddy's girl,
Who loved to twirl.

Her dream was to be a dancer,
But she couldn't find the answer,
How to get to the top,
Without getting dropped.

Her spirit was strong,
As she would sing along,
To her favourite song.

Tragedy struck,
A case of bad luck,
She broke her back,
And her spirit began to lack.

Her sister helped her through,
And she knew,
She would reach it someday,
Maybe not today,
But in the future.

The waves are crashing around me.
So peaceful yet so strong.
I can see my whole life here,
Just floating by.

The water,my surfboard and me,
I don't want to surf
All I want is to sit here and think.

Think about 'what if?'
And 'maybe I should have done this'.
The horizon seems so far away,
The more you travel towards it
The further away it is.

I could say the same about life,
Sometimes the more you want something
The least likely you are to receive it.

There floats my past relationships
And the pain of loosing him.
The ocean is so calming and healing,
That I want to stay forever.

There are scars on my skin,
My body is too thin,
And My hair isn't perfect,
I've already checked.

My eyebrows too bold
Personality too cold,
It's all in my head,
Because of the what she said.

The stories are one and the same,
Bullying to cause shame,
But they don't realise the pain,
As long as there's popularity to gain.

Words are vicious in more ways then one,
Imagine if this was your son,
Or your daughter,
Put up for slaughter.

Maybe your friend who hurts inside,
Each day she cried.
She chose to hide it,
Had a crushed spirit,
And she's not here any more.

Poems change lives.
They can express your emotion,
When you don't know how to express it.
They give a message or a story,
Which can not only get their attention,but change their view.
A poem is a gift.
It shows us the way like the sun and moon.
Poems for me are everything,
They help with my whole outlook on life,
I can talk to someone with out saying a word,
And touch people's hearts that I have never met.
Poems connect people,
Poems are life.

I tell people that I can't play this year,
I say; "That I've got too much work to do",
Some of them even believe me,
They understand how much is on my plate.

Then there's the real reason;
That my self-esteem no longer exists.
I just can't take another hit,
Or gauge how good or bad I am playing.
The truth is I've had four panic attacks,
And when I get out on the field
All I feel is stress.

I want to tell them the exact reason why.
To say how insecure I really am,but what's the point.
In a team all players need to believe in themselves,
I, for one never have and never will.
It's so stupid,but it's simple
I just can't do it anymore.

I can't fit you in my schedule,
For I have no time,
There's always something on,
That needs my attention or involvement.

That doesn't mean,
I wouldn't make time for you,
That doesn't mean,
I don't want to spend time with you,
That doesn't mean,
I don't care about you.

For you I would drop everything,
I would give you my last cent,
My last piece of food,
My last breath.

I just need more time.

All alone.
In this stupid black dress
That mama made me wear.

Where are you now mama?
No where that matters.

Where is the exit in this place?
All I see is hedge after hedge
And a bright red tree.

It's kinda peaceful,
Maybe if I just...
Climb this and..
I hit the ground that's what happens.

The least they could do is make a seat in this place
The cracked concrete is way too cold to sit on.
What is with these shoes?
So fancy and painful.
I can blame mama for that too.

The Darkness of your heart
Is spilling out and touching me,
It is all that I can see.

I want to help you,but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite so loud
As I approach your house.

The lights are out
And I know you're in,
Couldn't tell where you had been.
Down to the pub to drown your sorrow,
To forget about tomorrow?
I barely know you anymore.

So I knock on your door.
There is no answer
And I find you lying on the floor,
In your living room.
Anger begins to consume
My entire body.

This time you've gone too far
It isn't who you are,
I can't believe your misery.
Self punishment is boundless to you
What happened to only a few?

Our lives began to descend down the narrow road of negativity.
"You really mean a lot to me."
I would never say that.
Like a bat,
Made of feathers smashing against a brick wall.
You stand tall
Too tall for me to reach your heart.
To avoid being hurt, I was just too smart.
Avoid it all, avoid the love I've always had for you
Too many incidents, just to name a few...

There was the ****
That left our family in need.
For some help, from anywhere, somewhere please.
I just wanted to live with ease,
Live like my friends did.
I wanted to be a normal kid,
But I just couldn't be.

The lying
Always always lying
Life wasn't flying
By it was crashing hard
So many shards
Of my broken childhood.
"Please just be good"
I would recite
I don't want to hear another fight.
No more crying or yelling
There was no telling
When this bad dream was going to end.

Stealing!
You stole from me,
That's not how it's suppose to be,
To fund your drugs.
Hang out with those stupid thugs
You call friends.
Don't let this be the end
Can we at least pretend
To be normal.

When I'm dying
I want to think back on my life
And see positivity.

I want to see the lives I've touched,
The smiles and laughs I've created
And the thoughts I have provoked.

When I'm dying
I hope to have no regrets,
No fear,
And no pain trapped in my heart.

I need to be purposely positive
Because positivity is contagious
And I want the world to catch it
To stop the suffering.

What will flash through my mind?
Will I smile at the good times?
Or frown at the apology I never gave
Due to my own stubbornness.

When you're dying,
What do you want to see?

As I look into the mirror, all that I can see,
Is an ugly human being staring back at me.
My smile is a disguise,
Which may come as a surprise.
Mirrors can hide,
The other side
Of me.

I act everyday of my life,
Which hasn't caused much strife,
Because all they can see,
Is who I pretend to be.

Things aren't always easy,
Life quotes are really cheesy.
No one can help me at all,
No matter who I call.

Being a teen in this day and age,
Can cause some serious rage,
And the occasional fight,
We'll I'm normally right.

So what I'm trying to say.
Is that each and everyday
I will hate myself.

Shorter skirts and lower tops,
They're doing anything to get noticed.
Smoking and drinking to fit in
To a world that has changed forever.

Increasing teen pregnancy
And teen dads that walk away.
Fifteen has become the new twenty
And kids aren't kids anymore.

What was once cool became lame
And girls became more and more shallow.
Caking make up on their faces,
Pulling duck faces at the camera.

As we are more connected
We interact less.
Technology ensures seeing people less.
Getting to know someone face to face
Will soon become non existent.

We live in a world that's evolving backwards,
By caring less about others and who they are.
Popularity has become a bloodbath
And people are shallower then the sink.

It would be nice to live in a world
That was evolving forwards.

Black ink under your skin,
With a word showing where you've been.
Just one little word,
To make sure the lines stay unblurred.

It's like your precept,
Not your defect,
You have made it your reason to live,
And it has taught you how to give.

This one word,
Is a name you may have heard.
Your son's name,
That you claim,
Helps you be the person you want to be.

Kyle is your son,
He is the only one,
To be your inspiration,
You protect him from this nation.

His name is on your arm,
He won't come to harm,
At least not while your still breathing,
You know the true meaning,
Of love.