You’re too nervous around me
He said
Though it shouldn’t matter much really
Just a personality trait
And true at that
Maybe it was just fate
But honestly
What did he expect?
Ignored me half the time
Distanced himself
Made me feel unwanted
   -Unloved
It shouldn’t really matter, truly
Silly child-like beliefs
In love
But it was just that,
It was heaven
Till paranoia crept in
Like the monster from under my bed
Depression seeped in with nightmares
With every blank glance and words unsaid

I tried being there, I tried pulling away
I tried what I could bear
Day after day
Watching my own tragedy
Break at the seems
The cracks poured in and drowned my depths
       -Shattered beyond belief
Because of my
inability to work socially
Too awkward to talk
Too shy
Terrified of saying the wrong things
So alone in my own mind
Is there anything I can say?
Anyway that it’s untrue
My anxiety came off as nerves
Mostly around you
Cause with you it mattered most
Someone for whom I cared
But you’re right it’s my fault
I couldn’t love enough to stop being scared

So I’ll watch from the backseat
As the movies go on
The confidant chick gets the guy
Or he fixes the insecure one
But nothing goes wrong here
Not like it does in reality
Guess I’m just trying to justify his excuse and its finality
Too nervous around me
Oh, really.
But the truths I could already see
I knew, how I knew, and knew all along
He’d never truly wanted me

So I laugh at the comments I bit back
Bleeding lips from words too tongue
In cheek I thank you;
     Graceful bow
For helping me along
For ripping away the stem of nervosa
You’d brought flowing with you since the first day
For the harsh remarks
-a slap to even those who’re stark
And the steel that I grew as I say

It was you
You who didn’t care enough to help
Who could not see the panic and fear I battled to try and stabilize myself
For you
To make us happy
Yes I had problems of my own
But I was there for you
And what did you do?
Nothing but leave me alone
Saying the cause was all me
My anxiety
My nervosa had won?
You know how insulting that can become?

I staved off the dragon in the mirror
To keep safe the tower climbing prince
But in truth I know now
Princes don’t exist
I was really my own companion
Fighting my own weakness’
With my own strengths
And now I know my own reason
Has to forever be only myself.

looking across life's scars
and seeing the grime, every germ
sunken into every sun dried pit
seeing buzzing flies
and rotting matter on the floor of
a metal tower
sometimes
humanity makes me sick
everything is just petty
or huge and momentous
new angles and directions never ceasing
in this endless
cesspit of reality
peel back the makeup for decay
watch as everything crumbles
but 'others have worse days'
its all too many standards
the gauge never enough nor too thin
to stop the globe from spinning off
an axis view to zoom in
passivity is not an option
there'll always be those who cry fail whilst you fly
but to be drawn into the maze of humanity
makes me wheel and cry
with the despair
of a heart broken mother
mourning an innocents new soul
stolen by the torments
and very blankets it wrapped itself in
from the cold; unfeeling
days old, but spent outside
yet would it be better focused in
a small soldier ant working tirelessly
where its miracles begin
but ignorant, so very ignorant
of the army rising on the opposite side
of the world, that distance it cant see
wont be around to fend off the lies
and attacks of humanity
and it's nature, so maybe it is best to be above
stay out of those grimy halls
with slimy walls
that swallow you up whole
like a blanket until you're blind
to the mistakes made and welts left behind
on the poor planets surface
in all eyes that see
staining and smoking the air that we breath
humanity is a disease
and it will spread
sometimes it makes me wish i were dead
but at the same time
how wondrous is that little bee and ant hive
in it's structure and architecture
flights and faults
the wiring of its nerval core
so intricately wove
like a pattern
humanity self obsessed
with the maze and levels and views and unending list
of further complexities
never refined
both a disease and a wonder
but still all through our minds

You see the blank white of canvas
Stretch beyond horizons reach
As simple line edges make the image
A two tone, grey-scale; Bleached

For the world is empty, too empty
When it has lost all colour and complex line
Harsh edges form definition
But even those will fade with time

As i roll over in this barren expanse
And see every impression where you lay
Draw out the shape of your figure with my fingers
And watch it all just wear away

As time erodes everything
Every pencils soft grey line
Even the vibrancy of chromatic life
That seeped in like ink; when you were mine

Unlike now;
Now my world is a stark grey
Of charcoal and harsh paper white
I always did love these desolate sketches
And playing with dark and light

But my artists hands have stilled so
Because i cannot draw all that i feel
This emptiness and loneliness
Not even my words feel real

As i reach out for 6 strings
Canvas and pencil
Paper and pen
I beg of you to let me sing
In colour and shape again

Not in these cold
White, bleak voices
That fade my image
And become a minds haze
That hollow my eyes
And whiten my face
When in a mirror i gaze

For i find i am lost
In a deep abyss
Since you took it all away
Come on, get a grip!
You are worth more than this,
Don't let them steal your face!

But all i see is the blank white of canvas
Stretching on and on out of reach
And you look at my world of new work
And wonder

Why the use of bleach?

I'll listen to a lullaby
Dance around my brain
And try to think of you
Without seeing rain

hush now my love
You are everything to me
Let me fight away your demons
Pull you closer while you sleep

As my old favourite song lyrics
Get stuck inside my head
Tied tightly to the image
Of us curled up in bed

hush now my love
I'll keep you warm
As we hold each other tightly
And keep at bay the storm

Cloudy smiles bright
As first dew morning sun
Flit around like butterflies
Reminding how no one

hush now my love
Your hand trembles in mine
Find peace in our warmth
When our hands intertwine

Has seen that side of me
Since the day that you left
Prooving once and for all
That love truly is deaf

hush now my love
Times are growing cold
I am still here watching over
No matter what you're told

So now I hear the lullaby
And sing its sorrow's tune
Knowing all love is lost
But that of me for you

hush now my love
When dawn comes I will be gone
I'm sorry I can't hold you
And keep you safe and warm

As when the night quietens
Right before my eyes
It's the image of you I see
That drowns out my lullabies.

*hush now my love
Your hollowed eyes grow dark
Just listen as I whisper
The story as we part