You sleep a hundred feet away,
soundly.
And I am up until four a.m.
trying to convince myself I am safe
in this 11 by 16 room
that is shrinking with every breath I take.

I am a blimp on your radar
just some girl you tried to ****.
But you,
you are a constant reminder
that I am not as sane as I should be

You are the cause of so many tears,
the reason my hands won't stop shaking.
I tell my friends, I'm cold, I'm cold.
It's a hundred degrees outside.  
And I can't turn a corner without holding my breath
hoping you won't be there.  

Your smile is sharp enough to ****,
and every time I see it
I wonder how ******* can be so happy
while laughter tastes like poison to me.

So sleep tight, you ******.

They all tell me
To be angry
To be ******
To be mad
At you.
My friends, family and
Even my the therapist
Have tossed out the word hate
In reference to you.  
And I'm trying hard to take their advice.
But I can't seem to summon any hate for you.
And I'm trying hard,
But I'm only end up hating myself.

I know your class schedule,

You eat dinner at six.

And lunch at twelve thirty

On Tuesday’s you have a seven forty five

And I’m happy you don’t get to sleep in.

I know your class schedule

And which paths you take to get there.

I know your Facebook

Like the back of my hand.

Every photo you’ve shared,

And your statuses too.

I can’t help but check,

Type your name in the search bar,

Because the pain has a weird calming feeling.

I feel like if I know your every move.

I can know when you’re coming.

And I can run the other way.

When I was little I was given a series of boxes to check.
Mark one and only one that applies.
White, Black, Asian, Mexican, and Other: please explain
There was only problem.
I was not just one box.
So I always check Other and wrote human.
At my young age I did not see pigment as a person
The two sides who fought a war,
Who owned eachother
Sat at my dinner table
And laughed.
My parent's marriage wasn't even legal
When they were babes in their mother's arms,
And I didn't have a check box.
Other: human,
Other: child,
Other: pretty,
Other: combo meal 5.99,
Other: beyond definitions.
Or maybe being both meant I could choose
Scholarship applications: black,
******* love diversity
Background check: white.
Check one and only one
And if you cannot find a way to fit into
The mold already created for you.
Too bad.
Because you have one box.
One box: Female
One box: 18
One box: Mixed

I thought it would be harder,
not his ****,
The situation.
That's what they made me believe,
The teachers with banana condoms
Giving room for the Holy Spirit.
I was made to believe that we would kiss.
And I would contemplate if he was
"the one,"
But, you see, that never happened.
It started with a kiss
And then bigger kiss.
And before I even knew:
There we were.
So simple.
Naked in each other's presence
Sweat glistening like halos
Love no where near.
It was easy.
Easier than I thought
To toss something I held
so dear.
Like trash.

And then we did it again.

His name sounds foreign in my ears,
I can taste his accent on my tongue,
His skin, a bittersweet blend of my favorite coffee,
His clothes baggy as if he was hiding something.
These characteristics do not,
I repeat do not, make him a terrorist.
He is a terrorist because
He crashed into my twin towers when I let my guard down.
He left me burning to the ground,
And suddenly I was awake to the thought that
Life was not as beautiful as I mused.
The sun had stopped shining,
The world had stopped spinning
And all I could feel was pain.
He is my terrorist because
I cannot sleep in my own bed
I do not feel safe in my home.
I am on maximum security,
Tighten up my boarders,
Make sure no one gets in.
Not in my mind,
Not in my heart,
And NOT in my pants.
You see, I made a mistake:
I trusted him.
I didn’t believe he could do this.
I didn’t want to believe he could do this.
But now I’m unsure
If trust is even an option anymore.
Can I trust myself
Not to take too many pain pills
Trying to ease this unsettling feeling
crawling on my body?
Can I trust someone else?
To tell or not to tell,
That is the question,
Because unlike 9/11,
10/20 was breaking news on every channel.
It was kept hidden from the scrutinizing eyes
Who said I was asking for it
Who said we were "dating"
Who said that I wanted it.
Next on the 6 o’ clock news,
Local college freshman says
She wants to be *****,
Just looking for the right guy to do it,
When she’s drunk and alone
In the middle of the night.
She’ll leave the door unlocked
Because she forgot.
So if she doesn’t answer when you knock
Come on in.
She wants it.
And after you do what you do
I will wonder if life is even worth it
As I search for my pants in the dark.
And I will cry, more tears than I knew possible.
And I will pray,
Because like any good Catholic knows:
We pray when we need something,
And dear lord, I need answers.
Why?
Why did he think this was okay?
And what can I do to feel okay?
I don’t want to feel great,
Not even good,
I just want to feel okay
Again.
He is my terrorist
And I am ready to wage war.
Although I am afraid of how many casualties will be lost
Or how the average American views my war.
I know this is a war that needs to be fought.
And it needs to be fought sooner than later,
Because maybe I am preemptively saving
The next country from this
****** extremist