The only reason you call me beautiful
Is so I’ll take my bra off.
I’m not stupid,
Or at least I didn’t think I was.
I strip down to skin for your pleasure.
I fell for it.
The whole package.
The way you said it.
“Beautiful.”
So assured with a the slightest flash of those teeth.
“Beautiful.”
I believed it was the truth
When you said my name
Made me feel whole.  

You say you love me so I’ll take off my pants
I didn’t know what love was,
But I knew how many tiles were on your ceiling.  
I often mistake love for lust.
I mistake it like the taste of alcohol and your tongue,
For the late nights where you push me further.
I thought this was what all couples did.
I thought it was normal.
I thought it was love.

Baby, if you loved me
You would’ve respected me.
You would have taken my no
As a concrete answer
Instead a challenge you needed to win.

My mother now asks where that nice young man is
And why I had to go and ruin what we had,
Why I had to ruin our love.
But we had nothing but empty promises
And boundary breaking.
Maybe when the next boy comes around
With love poems and Cupid's arrow in his pants
I will recognize the warning signs.
And when he calls me beautiful
I will say
“**** straight.”
And then proceed to walk out of his room
Instead of taking the spot he reserved for me
Beneath his sheets of lust and deceit.

Dear Mom,
College is a blast.
I love it here!
I'm doing fine.
Mom, I'm okay.

Or at least I tell you I am
To avoid the proverbial
I told you so
That looms behind everything you say.
The reality is
I'm drowning on dry land
Just like you said I would
I am living up to the stereotype
of my depression and anxiety.

And you,
you were right.
You know me best.
You knew I couldn't do it
And I was so full of myself
I just wanted to prove you wrong.
Just once,
I wanted to swim
Or at least stay afloat.

You don’t know who I am
And I—
I just found out about you.
So let me introduce myself:
I am the woman who is tearing your world apart
Who is breaking your heart, slowly
And you—
You don’t even know it.

Late at night do you ever get a wave of sadness,
The kind that is sudden and unexplained?
I regret to say that
It is me.
And because he won’t tell you
I feel obliged to apologize.
I’m sorry,

I never wanted to hurt you,
I just wanted love
And you of all people know
How good his love feels.

Maybe I was drinking,
Maybe I was *******-schwasted,
But I know that's not an excuse.
Maybe I left my door unlocked,
But I know I didn't invite you in.
Maybe I responded to a text,
But I know told you to leave.
Maybe I kissed you before,
But I know didn't want to that night.
Maybe I didn't say it loud enough,
Maybe I didn't enunciate,
But I know I wasn't willing.

I'm scared to be in a place I call home,
I can't sleep in my own bed,
I'm scarred for life, for love.
I'm going crazy.

Maybe I can't admit it to myself,
But I know it happened.
Maybe I was *****,
But I know it wasn't my fault.

Our first time is suppose to be
perfect
Rose petals,
Dim lights,
Comfy bed,
And the boy we love.
That's what it should be.
So I call a do-over.
Can I just start fresh.
Cuz I'm embarrassed to say
Dark closet,
Liquor on our breath,
Trying to keep quiet,
With a girl who told me it's okay.
And I told her it's okay.
I guess life doesn't always work
The way we want it to.