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533 · Feb 2021
night terrors
netanya janel Feb 2021
An art store with only one aisle
Shelves stark white and covered with art supplies
White tile lines the floor
Linoleum beneath my feet and a stench of vaseline
She’s standing there waiting for me
Staring at me
She begins to bang her head against a white shelf
The inventory shakes and rattles and falls to the ground
THIS IS WHAT WE COULD BECOME
The short-haired blonde woman points towards a row of steel compartments
Cages
Prison cells
She continues to bang her head against the shelving
Curiosity overcomes me and I turn my head to look
Cold, dark, grey metal cells
I try to look into all of them but my vision is limited
There’s a window scratched and clawed at
There’s a woman’s body
But there is no woman left
The agony she has experienced in this cell is more than the woman in the art store can bare
She sees her body
Alive, but lifeless
Blood running blue through her veins
She has nothing left to give
Nothing left to cry out for
Nothing left to help her
A woman’s body lays within the solitary cell
She’s given up and she’s barely human anymore
As she turns to look at me through the small, dark window that allows a small amount of blue light into the cell
A claw reaches from behind the cell
I can’t see where it came from
What it belongs to
It reaches deep into the breast of the blue-ish woman that’s given up all hope
Slowly
Carefully
And with such precision
The claw tears out her heart
A red, sad, ****** mess
And she doesn’t fight back
Doesn’t even move
532 · Sep 2014
apology
netanya janel Sep 2014
Lockjaw and gaze into a vastness that even I can't comprehend
I can't speak
It's like I always spawn an idea that sends me spiraling into chaos
But somehow that forever seems so empty
When the space between your eyes when I stare at your face becomes my safe place
I'm hiding inside my own skin the way it stretches around flesh to hold in every **** thought I've ever concealed from you
I wrote you an apology letter when you ravaged my soul and I think I truly believed that sincerity would save you
Now all I have is a notepad with your name etched between every line and sore hands and tired eyes
Some things won't ever change
532 · Sep 2014
disconnect
netanya janel Sep 2014
i'm afraid sometimes that my brain has a big hole in it
a space where i should connect my experiences with happiness and smiles
instead i feel like i'm not inside my body
when you kiss my skin
someone, somewhere else
gets a little tingle in their bones
517 · Sep 2014
Temporary
netanya janel Sep 2014
Is it so terrible
For a flower to bloom and die
Untouched by another
Clean and radiant
Facing the sunny sky

Is it so wrong
To leave each other alone
Longing for the embrace of another
Sweet and foolish
We find a love we'll outgrow

I heard a voice once
It spoke kindness
It spoke beauty
I heard it fade away into static
Fade away like death
A memory that disintegrates as time passes
As any beautiful thing does
513 · Aug 2014
happy
netanya janel Aug 2014
take a walk with me
you can hold my hand if you want to
we can stand side by side
lay my head on you
find a spot to watch the waves crash
find a spot to hold you close
you can run away if you want to
i won't chase you down
dream you're still right here
take a little to think it through
take a breath and sigh and smile
this is the first time in a long time
i'm not sad anymore
so hold on dear
i'll love you more
camp in a blanket
out by the shore
509 · Sep 2013
held under, breathe easy
netanya janel Sep 2013
i'm holding my breath
waiting for your next move
i'm patiently waiting
just dying for the thrill
you're taking your time
i'm wasting all mine
on fixed empty words
another day
in a shifting life
written by me
503 · Sep 2014
Untitled
netanya janel Sep 2014
You are the sores in my lungs
When intention starves reason
And I can't inhale you any deeper
That violent blood rush within thick-walled vessels
Static between skin and soul and the contusions that fill the void
Eyelids shudder
Closed off...
But I breathed you in
It's not that I bare any hate because I still crave the flame
I'm just afraid you'll burn away
I know these things
They never seem to stay
500 · Sep 2014
the vault
netanya janel Sep 2014
I am the vault that holds unknown mysteries
I leave the door unlocked
And although they come and go
Some place things inside
While others loot and vanish
488 · Oct 2014
much like smoke
netanya janel Oct 2014
they say the cigarettes you smoke
remind you of other people.
i think they could have a point.
the way they burn me up and fade away
reminds me a whole lot of you.
477 · Jun 2021
yellow
netanya janel Jun 2021
sometimes the words you want to say
get stuck behind your eyes or in your throat
if they even get that far at all
sometimes i lay on the floor and wonder why i can't detach as easily as others
yet i still keep my emotions to myself most of the time
i guess that's what happens when you've been hurt so many times
or maybe that's what happens when you fully expect to be hurt
i've always seen the sun rise on the horizon and locked myself indoors to watch from behind the glass
when i should have stepped beneath the rays to feel the warmth of the light on my skin instead
it's been seven months since i said i wanted to die and i felt that truth vibrate within my soul
i'm learning how to feel the sun again and dance alone and when the dark comes again
i'll let it pass right through
474 · Feb 2014
dark mirage
netanya janel Feb 2014
bend your fingers back
enough so the knuckle turns white
a pinch of pain
enough to let you know it's real
look at yourself in a mirror
and stare
for hours
analyzing
tearing apart the image you see
put the pieces in any other pattern
listen to the voices telling you
you're wrong
you're worthless
you won't amount to anything
let them overcome you

i am no martyr
i seek no knight in armor
i torment myself
to reassure myself
that i am not myself
written by me
472 · Sep 2014
maps
netanya janel Sep 2014
i think that maybe i messed up
i don't know if it was something i said
or didn't say
something i did
forgot to do
i'm not really sure exactly where i went wrong
somewhere along the line
i must've
i just wish you were around still to show me
469 · Sep 2021
wake up
netanya janel Sep 2021
I fell in love with the sound of the wind as it brushed past my ears
And I spoke to the breeze under my breath.
I let the sun illuminate the darkest shadows within me
And I felt them wither and burn into light.
I kissed the edge of the sky as it reached for my skin
And I closed my eyes so it could cover me entirely.
The emptiness that consumed me began to subside
Replaced by an overwhelming warmth.
I used to scream into my fists and pray for an escape
Until the moment your hand grazed mine.
468 · Sep 2014
meh
netanya janel Sep 2014
meh
i'm the kind of person
who never asks for help
i don't ever need anyone else
i know i've got myself
i'm the type of person
who will say that i'm okay
that i'm fine
there are no worries
but i long for someone else
the problem with letting someone in
is that they never even know
when you've opened up the gate
and it all just overflows
456 · Sep 2014
have a drink on me
netanya janel Sep 2014
my mind is full to the brim
overflowing
i can’t let you drink from the fountain
you never asked for a taste
431 · Aug 2014
i don't even care anymore
netanya janel Aug 2014
part of me has given up on finding anything outside myself
perspective and perception
everything else is rot with doubt
sometimes still my own mind will play tricks upon itself
it's hard to hide
harder still to find
when these words won't leave my mouth
419 · Sep 2014
you
netanya janel Sep 2014
you
i'm not really sure what love is anymore

i just hope that you can teach me
411 · Jun 2014
love won't make you cry
netanya janel Jun 2014
tell me that you'll never leave
but please don't stay too long
hold my hand when you walk with me
just not with sweaty palms
kiss me like i'm the only one
but god, you're smothering me now
just stop

love doesn't annoy
love doesn't hurt
love shouldn't even need to try
it's seamless and effortless
it should never make you cry
409 · Aug 2014
memory
netanya janel Aug 2014
it was a cold september night
you didn't even say goodbye
i shined a light against the pavement
just so i could see
i never thought it'd end like that
sometimes goodbye is just so strange
so i'm laying here
remembering
and counting all the days
376 · Feb 2021
Untitled
netanya janel Feb 2021
there exists a portion of my being
that refuses to erase your memory
impossible, it seems
to forget what you mean,
what you meant,
or what you're becoming.
you don't materialize into a wild hallucination
or hold me in my dreams
when i'm dreaming of love.
i don't hear your voice in my mind
no laughter, no humming.
but when i'm falling in love
again and again
for someone new
so unlike you
i'll never feel the same pain as i did
the same anguish
the same starvation
as the day when it all made sense to me
when you broke me apart
you never let me back in
375 · Aug 2014
hold me under
netanya janel Aug 2014
do you even know what it's like
you can't even stand to be near me
i've got a chest full of empty air
a mess of bones flows with your blood
your breath runs through my veins
you could dismantle me with just one touch
if you could take a minute to hold me
you could pull me apart
i'll let you in
if your breath hits my mouth
it feels like i can't move
i'm pressed under your thumb
342 · Feb 2021
Your Memoir
netanya janel Feb 2021
I split my skull to see your memory projected in pools of blood on the kitchen floor. The knives were never enough to keep you alive.

I dug a ditch in the garden 6-feet deep to bury my soul with yours and I couldn't breathe without hyperventilating every other moment.

Tear me apart and put the pieces in boxes of grey and white. Never did they fit into those square pegs and square holes. I found my blood boiled at every misdirection.

Even though we argued all the time the garden took control and the weeds and flowers outgrew us. The knives we placed bloomed and blossomed.
301 · Jun 2014
Untitled
netanya janel Jun 2014
Hellish creature
My nightmare embodied in that smile
295 · Jun 2014
Untitled
netanya janel Jun 2014
if i'm meant to endure today
the way i feel
might play along
pretend there is a purpose
a trick my mind plays on itself

does anyone really know
what it means to really know
or are some
just better at hiding
that they've never really known?
165 · Jul 2017
Untitled
netanya janel Jul 2017
this is my cactus poem
when you imagine an image of the desert, do you think of dust and dirt, a tumbleweed in the wild west?
a cowboy with spurs on his boots riding horseback beside a covered wagon?
a filthy, grungy, bearded fellow who spits into jars on the floors of saloons and whistles at passing women?
i think i can understand how people view arizona the way they portray it in movies
sometimes i forget that we're more civilized than that when everyone i've met here has been so morally obstruct in their ways
the dust and decay that the outside world views in elaborate movie scenes has become the insides of the people who reside here
you may live in a pueblo-style luxury condo but your soul resonates with dirt and filth and each time you exhale when you speak, i see the dust you cough up from your lungs
sometimes i like to think i'm a cactus
my skeleton is strong and my exterior is sharp but i know to hold onto the niceties because sometimes the rain only comes once a year
rain that brings turquoise and orange blossoms but you only see my thorns
and when you get too close, i'll know just how to push you away
***** you just right so you know that no matter how close you get, you'll never stand the fight
this is my cactus poem
and i'll be just fine
80 · Sep 2014
Untitled
netanya janel Sep 2014
i tried to offer my deepest condolences to you because it was all you'd ever done for me in the past
i realize now that sometimes the people you love the most don't understand that you care about them in such a selfless way
maybe they never loved me in the first place
i guess i understand
72 · Sep 2014
Untitled
netanya janel Sep 2014
You say you're not interested in trends
That the only true poets have long been gone
Who are you to determine
Whether or not
The ache of my heart is worthy of your attention
Press your nose back in a book
It won't hurt you like I will
69 · Sep 2014
Untitled
netanya janel Sep 2014
i'm the girl who you hate to love
you love to hate
same as above
i'm the one who laughs real loud
loses track of time
lost in a crowd
i'm the girl who breaks a heart
gets my heart broken
right from the start
i'm the one who never sees the way things are
at least i'll remember you by a scar
50 · Sep 2014
Untitled
netanya janel Sep 2014
I thought a bright light in my life would make me a better person
Like if I could only turn the switch my life would change and it'd be worth it
I failed to account for the fact that people forget about you and sometimes never mean to hurt you
But it's always there right in the clear
Don't count on others to be your light
It burns out so much quicker
47 · Aug 2014
Untitled
netanya janel Aug 2014
back then i didn't think that i could ever make amends
with the way that life was going
it was never going to end
a piece of glass was lodged inside a soft and gentle hand
you never held mine like you held her
i assumed it was the glass that had me ******

— The End —