Yes I did,
Once long ago
I wanted, I wished, I yearned
To be loved,
Saw red in all the eyes
Bleeding hearts
As I charged;
Like an enraged bull
But then I felt the stab
The shocking pain,
And I tried to understand
Where had I gone wrong?
But I was just rearing to go,
I just wanted to love
And I'd charge out again,
And once more
The searing hurt
Would lacerate
Through and through
The truth betrayed
By the laughing spectators
As I tried to stand,
And the warm embrace came
But not of my gift returned
But of my own pool of death
Holding me, until I came to;
Cold as the matador with his conquest,
Though the next time I would
Wield the sword as my own toreador
Even if it was only to plunge the blade
Deep into myself
If only to end this macabre show...

APAD13 - 142 © okpoet

And just like that
Like after
The snap
Of a hypnotist's fingers,
I hear a sound
That I had never
Noticed before,
The silence of her absence
A distinct sort of restless void
Not only around me
But from within
Between every pounding
Beat of my heart,
The awareness
That after her
I could never again
Be alone and happy,
Just a sort of mild
Soapy kind of sadness
Lingering between
The rustlings and creaks of nature
And my artificial attempts
To drown out my solitude
Until she comes around again
My favorite song,
All the sweetness of sound
Unbottled from her laughter...

APAD13 - 141  © okpoet

She was
The prettiest
Of summers,
My reason
To dream,
She made
The winter warm
And made every day
Last a season
Or so it seemed,
But what time passed
Between our laughs,
A bitter clock
Ticked it away
Twice as long
When she parted,
Like an eternal
Haunting of a drip
From a faucet in the night,
And inconsolable was my wait,
Diamonds to a parched tongue
Riches to a bed ridden man,
But I wouldn't trade this hell
For a purgatory without her...

APAD13 -140 © okpoet

I'm looking up
At the full moon
Feeling like a fool
Under the midnight noon,
Thinking about how
She changed me
And then she left,
Would my tears
Be like footsteps in the sand,
My pillow the shore
That absorbs my steps,
Realizing how even after
98% of my atoms have changed,
That 2% will always remain
The same because of her,
The imprint of memories
Like ducklings
But I was too soon set free
Into my too calm a pond,
And I tell myself
I should have run away
Whence I came upon her,
Like a black cat,
But what superstition
Could give a heads up
Before I lost my head
My heart and my soul,
I a headless horseman
Ambling through the night
Until the dreaded sunrise...

APAD13 - 139 © okpoet

I love you,
Like my instinct
To live another day
Though every night,
I want to die
Asking why
You're so far
Asking why
You're not here,
Why you're everything
That I hold dear,
Yet I'm clutching
At nothing,
But my heart
From the pain
And yet
There is no gain
Whatsoever,
And if ever
I may find
Relief
For this
My ever present
Grief,
It scares me
That I want so badly
To stay alive
Because of you...

APAD13 - 138 © okpoet

The minute
I look away from you
Thinking I can
Shrug you off like Atlas;
Like once I've scratched
You'll never itch again,
This is the moment
I can feel your eyes
Piercing
Like from the barrel
Of a ******'s gun
Miles away,
And I wonder at your aim,
You're no longer
The stranger
You once were,
And it's all but apparent
That you're here to stay
And like reeds that bend
In the eye of the storm
I sway to your intent
Devoid of resistance,
Like one flinches
At the sight of a needle
And before I can scream
You're already gone;
With the wind
And all it's whispered secrets...

APAD13 - 137 © okpoet

It's that same feeling
Again
That tearing
Knotting
In the pit of my belly,
The opposite of butterflies
Scratching at my throat,
Wrenching metaphysical pain,
A longing for your smile
Like I'm trying
Yet sinking
To come up for air,
Like I dove off a cliff
And the regret
Is about to hit me
Like a car roof
Ever so viciously
A crunch unlike any other,
The tightening
In my chest
Getting tighter,
I angst
And I mourn,
I'm clay
And paper-mâché,
A school project volcano
About to erupt,
Werewolf howling at the moon,
There seems to be
No end
To my slow simmering torture,
God, have mercy...

APAD13 - 136 © okpoet