We had this bulletin board with candid photographs that our teachers used to take of us

I guess to commemorate the school year when it got to its end.

There are only two pictures of you

You do not ****** yourself in limelight.

They are strictly taken without your knowledge

The first is one with you working in a group project

Carefully fixing a model of some sort

Quietly working with others

Agreeable, patient, very careful

I was going to take this one, but I came across another.

This one is charmingly black and white

With you alone-sketching something –again probably for a classroom assignment

The only thing I wish of this picture is that you were sketching what you wanted

That it was you, how I remembered it

Putting a heart, a light, a dedication, a sweat, and a story

Something that danced before my eyes

Something that would materialize and be, just be in its own creation and life

I would remember in this your pencil strokes and the way you would look up and kind of smirk at me

And I would wonder if I was hidden away from you while you drew, or if my presence irritated you in some way. I would self consciously observe- not sure to speak, not sure to keep silent. I favored silence.

This picture, your face in it: concentration. A loving concentration, zoned out that you possibly couldn’t see the lucky individual with the camera. I make out the shape of your eyes and a side profile of your face and I wonder, I wonder what is this peace, patience, loneliness, vast adoration that I feel that I deny myself over and over again.

I know this picture is old and it makes me smile still- its what I missed

It reminds me of a song you let me hear

About not being home, my weird sensation of being truly ****** up

And how sweet you were about the whole thing

So on one of the last days of school, when it is excruciatingly possible to never see you, never truly see you again.

I went into the box of pictures and stole away this picture of you when no one was looking

I didn’t want it cheapened by questions

I didn’t have answers, but I had reasons

I imagined it sitting on my desk

A guy, any guy comes over

“Who’s that?”

I would smile and blush and not have an answer

I would only know and not have an answer

There was something careful about you, I guess that reigned me in.

I can’t tell you how badly I needed a friend who understood on that level, how badly I needed you in some strange quiet way

I didn’t want to struggle with a knowledge that could hurt you

“You know the bottom line was
I couldn't change your mind
Honey, could I?”  

Confuse you, anger you

I can’t, I can’t

And I can lie and say I don’t know why but I can’t

So selfishly I tried to keep it in simplicity and it only grew more complex

And so now you have given back to you meaning in a picture

The closest thing to a sketch I could, for you to see what’s inside of me

And with a lasting strangeness, like a scar

I miss you.

I am eating the cheesecake

its late

its creamy

your gone

and my anger is pent up in agonizing frustration

We had a fight

the causes unknown

the intentions secret

So I take it out on the cheesecake

the creamy sensation has been on my side

for years

more than I can say for you

were back in this endless spiral

the one that leads me to crying on the sofa

that smells of your cigarettes

eating the cheesecake,  watching emcommericals

I have wasted my life on you

and I waste this night day

trying to piece myself together

with goey strawberries and sweet pie crust

I have joined women all over the world

I've had quite enough

I'm full

Thank-you

sun rising fast

orange light gives  public transportation a peculiar  look

pink sky is my favorite

my short skirt

and black lipstick

his long unkept hair

and Iron Maiden tee

its nice to see another misfit on the bus

mr. metal flashes me a smile

I pretend to be occupied  with my cell phone

I got a boyfriend

besides

i'm not used to flattery

mr. metal is silly

he's drumming the seats with his fingers

I pinch a  black smile

don't laugh, be sensible

putting on my librarian face

glasses on the edge of my nose

sweep back stray hairs against my sensible bun

mr. metal is staring holes into me

he is amused

now I'm sulky

go back into Gatsby and Daisy

this is a bit coincidental

we are way too funny

breaks

bells

next stop

mr.metal clashes into my world

books fly

headphones  are yanked

automatic door

next thing I know

i'm flailing off a bus

wonderful.

mr. metal is sorry

I dont know I'm laughing

til my sides start to hurt

grouchy morning bystanders are looking with interest

and the bus driver is surpressing a deep belly laugh

I remind him of his clumsy wife, sister, girlfriend, or daughter.

mr. metal is headbanging to my black sabbath

and picking up my books

suddenly I know

he has a very tired understanding mother

he helps me up

we're both wearing black nail polish

dont ask me why this is so hilarious


i'm stood up, brushed off, and looked at

he looks at me like an ex

he smells good

I blush far too easily

thanks are muttered

and we turn around to walk off

like a graceful plot

of some movie I've never seen

I get a text from baby

he takes such good care of me.

mr. metal will meet a cute girl he can pit with

at some heavy concert

and maybe when she's cold

he'll give her that leather jacket

and he'll ride the bus with her

all night long

thats what i'd like to think

either way

life is good.

it was quiet when you got up

to use the bathroom

it was quiet when you kissed me on the head

grabbed your keys

and left

it was quiet when the imprint of your body

warmed the sheets and emitted all the loving grace that is you

that seeped long into my dreams

and long into my breakfast daze

holding a cold cup of coffee

aware that you’ve been working for hours now

it  was quiet when you slipped past our home

its been quiet all day.

…..its been quiet all day.

the day spilled over

and I am sick

the light is ***** and yellow and sticky looking

I’m waiting for your call

but I dont want to sleep

I dont wanna look in the mirror

I dont want to do anything

death seems simple

close your eyes

write a letter

maybe a kiss on the cheek

before I go

I’m just worn out

its a bit simple

but a litte too simple

for me to let go

I see you come through the snow

work boots pinching your feet

I remember childhood novels

about married women and things

and its all good

sometimes it takes your worn out face

to remember why I keep kicking.

because.


eventhough the rain is cold and bitter

it still paints the roads with its shiny ectasy to be felt

it drops in when you least expect it

it reflects things brilliantly

and is something rather to be learned from

than ran from

I wanna live like rain

and touch things and people

I do not know

I want to be benefical to someones survival

I want I want I want

and I fall and fall and fall and fall

sometimes silently

sometimes loudly


either way I crash

and you feel it more than I do.

and we laugh all the way to the ground

so its not so bad.

me as the rain

you as my unfortunate stranger.

this rain is much like our love


thats why.

“I feel good”

I say it in a bit of a drunken slur

the cars are flashing by in a whirl of snow and sleet

you’re  the only thing in the world I want right now

I feel a wide palm caress my hip, and eyes gaze down still

you’re the only thing I want now

the only thing I need to feel

hot breath on an ear, a bumpy car ride

to wherever youth goes when it its gone bad

you are my saving grace and my one way ticket to everland

you only you

with the hair on your chin

and slick hands.