did you see the storm last night

he was beautiful and destructive

and his fury calmed my face

and illuminated me

with the theatrical light and wonder

and fear

that was there too

did you see him

the way he danced

and teased and destroyed

how he bent down the trees

and ravaged my hair

and caused the tears

and joys

did you see how far away he was

how close he got

how pathetic it was when he left

they cleaned up the mess

but dont worry

he'll come back again

did you see the strom last night

well i didnt

i miss him

with my wretched goodnights sleep.

Its pretty early

or maybe its just a cloudy day

the light from the big bay windows

is bright and soft and sad in its purity

my heeled black boots click on the standard multi-grained colored tile

I see you in the distance in a familiar hallway

In the mandatory uniform

hands balled up in tan pants, a book bag slung over one shoulder

I stand on the opposite end looking somewhat normal

a gray and black abstract top that screams art teacher/librarian

dark purple lipstick, blue jeans, and a intricate up-do

I believe I am particularly self-conscious about this

but your smiling at me like I'm beautiful anyways

the clicking of the heels get quicker as I magnetize towards you

I fit into you like a puzzle piece

body to body, heart to heart

your arms are wrapped knowingly across my lower back

my arms are clutching your neck holding on for dear life or something else that means so much more

You still smell the same

Your breath is soft against my ear right above the sliver hoop

When we try to remove ourselves from the sticky membranes of the closeness

my nose trails across your cheek

your chin

I want that kiss I will never again receive

I look up and you're wearing that smirk

that rare smirk, that heart shattering smirk, my smirk

This. This embrace echoes things of the past

of chance, and love, and lust, and confusion, frustration, failure, and forgiveness

even though we wear that polite"we're just friends" expression on our faces.

This memory, I can place in the past , present, or future

But sometimes. Sometimes it happens differently

Sometimes I am comfy in an old slipknot shirt outside your house in the pouring rain

Sometimes we are at Parkdale directly after I've crashed and burned, trying to smile bravely like it doesn't hurt

Sometimes I am lost and broken amid the cherry blossoms sighing for you

Sometimes its on Halloween before I take my four month leave

But alot of times

more often than most

its in the way you look at me and say

How are you?

and I know you truly mean it

That's when I realize i don't need to say a word..You know

I loved you

I lost you

And vivid memory maybe the only thing I gain from this

in its embracive care

and that's okay with me

finally.

I read all her letters



I saw myself



I read all her letters



I'm so tired



she's so tired



I saw his name



sigh



I read all her letters



I did'nt think she wanted me to



I'm glad I did



I read all her letters



I saw his name



I smiled



I read all her letters



thats all I can say



the pictures are nice



but the  letters



thats where its at



I read all her letters



thats it



i didn't  talk to her



just read



we are so different



thank god I grew up



she doesn't exist anymore.

she looked about herself
with the bunches and globs of brain matter
he picked it up and made a funny hat
and she could not help but to fall out laughing
he brushed away the trickle of blood
underneath her left eye
sighed and said
“darling , maybe you should call it a day”
she noded dreamily
in sweet short agreement
as if she didnt pull the trigger
as if there were no gun at all
just the way he makes her laugh
the way he makes her feel beautiful
just him
she’d say
just us.

But oh he was wet and dripping ignorance
And I was combusting with unholy fury
Smiting him to and fro
With my unsheathed pen
And he sat struck dumb
Morally zombie like moaning again
For my skin
But I just wrote wicked hymns
Life graffiti, like rings of fire
And he dared not behold these cat
Eyes
and black widow smirk
“Her defense was frightening”
A phrase he said himself
To whom self still turning like
Clockwork from the very
Spoils it never left
And I went like laughing
Knowing well I was no psychopath
But wrote honest colors of the world
In black ink and white paper
Blowing his mind
Like streetlamps in the midst of ill-mannered
Children with heavy rocks
And how I was amazed
When I saw
That bead of sweat
Run down those taunt brows
Like a floating messiah
With no duty but to be heard
And if I tried to express
This dear loved ones
I would nonetheless
Use words putting us both in
Abashment
But oh was it impossible he gave
What I sought
No longer listening to the little jesus
That caused him to convulse to and fro
Every night
And behold so he spoke:
“You are the first girl that ever
Really made me think”
Tone affectionate, not resenting
And I swear I felt it
I felt world peace
And he cursed me
With the very touch
That I longed for
And feared
I guess I knew not
Everything in the world.

she wanted to change the world

she couldn't with wet blankets and fading stars

she couldn't with morbid curiosity

and a pill addiction staring at her in the face

she couldn't

the world shattered her flat

and left her a tiny revolving sun

a shaft of light

he came and went

against his own will

a hiatus

not unlike the morality of men

a hiatus

not unlike any of us at all

“keep him close”

“dont let go”

the last real thing.

my last real thing.

in that hideous yellow lace dress

that my own mother insisted I buy

I sit uncomfortably on the couch

that your father  used to beat you on

when your mother comes in

she is all grace and big smiles

and I hate the think

I have to undo this woman's wrongs

but when I see your little brother

I think  of a younger you

I think of our future kids

I think of protecting him

and we all sit down

to say grace and eat

your father regards you

with colder eyes

and I regard you

with shaky smiles

meeting your family

the portrait perfect one

with a frame you could never fit

and broken glass I had to clean up

I am taken apart

by the random urge to whisper in your ear

"one day you won't have to pretend

we will have more than a portrait

more than still frames

we will have a whole moving picture

with the brightest moving colors and the sweetest laughter

and our little boy will look just like you"

but I just squeeze your hand

and kiss your cheek

and you'll know what I really mean

theres no pretendng here.

theres only love here.