My life has changed... I feel cold... Alone.. And upset... I cry silently.. I dont know how to move on and im trying i really am but i just dont know how. I feel something in my heart that i cant explain. Its like a physical pain but medicine doesn't work. My birthday is coming up and its hard to picture any celebration without you.
My head hurts from missing you and sometimes crying. I know time will make it easier but noone talks about the "right now"... Part of me was amputated the day you left

My heart weighs a ton yet its empty. Losing you has been tough although thats an understatement... Its been less than 48 hrs and i have at least 3 things to tell you already.. Who do i tell? I re-read our texts over and over and i smile because i have no regrets. You kno what you mean to me and i sure know wat i meant to you. I even have u tatted on me forever. We did so many firsts together and this.... This right here we were supposed to do together too... But you left me...

You never think that the last time is the LAST time. These emotions come in waves. One minute im okay the other minute all these emotions come rushing and its overwhelming. The minute i think im alright it just starts all over again. I dont know how to handle it but i do know that time will make it easier to cope with.

Some people know what you really meant to me. Others may say she was just your 2nd cousin. But... I've lost my best friend. Yes she was my cousin but thats at the bottom of the list bc blood couldnt make us any closer. She was my ride or die. Usually i was the one always arguing on her behalf tho bc she didnt have a quick enough comeback ever. My partner in crime, My confidante who knew everything and i mean everything even the TMI stuff. My comadre, i still dont kno what to tell the kids... And they just mentioned you today. My heart shattered in that moment. She was just my person...

I can only wish everyone in this world can experience the bond like the one i had with her. The ties that bond us are impossible to explain. Our bond defied distance, time, or location because we were just meant to be.

Because you are my person and will always be my person... I love you

Me duele el alma..

My other state of mind wants to cause physical and psychological harm
but the person i am today says walk away
sometimes it feels as if my other state of mind is taking over me or just need that one day to rule what i do in those 24 hours.
but the person writing this doesnt have the heart to cause this physical pain.
although i felt the physical pain
although i feel the pain in my body
in my bones. in my heart
i can not do unto other what has been done unto me.
turning the tables around isnt as easy as it sounds.
aggression only creates more aggression
kindness ... reciprocates in a good way ..
and it only takes a single act of aggression to permanently wound someone.
Why do i want the power to wound
why would anyone want to have a power to make someone else feel so powerless..
i know i dont.
but my other state of mind..
does..

i used to be the tough girl
i used to be the girl who didnt care what anyone thought
i must say i grew .
i grew into a woman that i never knew existed while in high school
im not that girl who you used to know
im not that girl anymore.
im a woman who has everything to live for.
everything to strive for.
im a woman who has nothing to love even for strangers.
a woman who would easily defend a stranger in the street even if the gun is pointed to my head.
im the woman anyone can count on.
having two kids has changed my life drastically.
its made me realize that life is more than just about money, love, friendship, family etc.
theres more to whats visible to the eye.
there is so much more
however its hard to just simply tell someone whats more to life that just the above
its indescribable. it cant be explained
it simply as difficult as it sounds.
after experiencing what life is all about .
i can sincerely say
i am not the girl i used to be .
i am my own woman .

"Wow, you are getting to be such a beautiful girl"

"Thanks Daddy"

All I could think about is his ***** working hands tucking me in
His snickering and preposterous grin
The scent that he had
and all that escaped my lips was "Why dad?"
5 YEARS LATER.

"WOW YOU ARE HOT, WE SHOULD GO TO MY CRIB LATER"

"uGH GET AWAY ******* IM LATE FOR CLASS"
I'm 15 and got the attention of at least 100 guys
i mean, its not my fault i believe all their lies
they want me for ME right...?
I guess i am going to his crib tonight
1 YEAR LATER

"BABY IM SCARED TO DO THIS"

"Babe we dont have to do this is you dont want"

"I DO, BUT IM JUST SCARED, I NEED TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW, JUST GIVE ME 5 MINUTES, MY MIND IS JUST WANDERING "

"Take your time babe i got nothing but all the time in the world to love you "

Being in love has made this a hard process
Why was I forced to suppress
Would he have really killed me if I told someone?
What would they have done?
I ran too late
Oh my god who took my place when i left the house?
Oh my what have i done
Is she ok
20 MINUTES LATER

****** hands
Noone will EVER understand
I couldn't handle seeing him do to her what he did to me
I swear, I SWEAR TO GOD everything just went blurry
I feel good though
I had no self control
I liked hearing him plead for his life
I finally feel free thanks to this knife
but I should've stopped him years ago
I shouldve told on him back when I was only 5 years old
This wouldn't have happened
I'm sorry honey
I have to leave though
and not behind bars , no
It's REALLY THAT time for me to go..
I hope you can forgive me someday
when you need me just talk to me, i wont be too far away

i love you.

What wholesome fragrance
What beauty before my eyes
Amazing; at first just a seed
Then an entire new meaning
Such a lively bouquet
From a deep red to a soft lavender
Or... I can be wrong
Instead, a demon seed
A flower of fire and vain
A simple ***** and the beauty just dies
The ugliness reveals itself when it wilts
And it becomes the personal flower of expression in the garden of words
The flamboyant arrangement
How bright the beauty of orange
Shows us the passion for life
The innocence of the white flower is just known as simple beauty
This innocence is shared by the pink flower to also express happiness
Although the friendship flower its the one that ****** me
Its sunny yellow
The color that brightens every room
To know that the green flower is the one that everyone wants
It's wealth and good fortune
Yet it's the hardest to find
Another rare one is the serenity
The peace this world needs
Such beauty and significance of the blue flower
The lavender that I hold is for elegance
It's the most precious and delicate
The second to last flower I hold is red
She looks so evil yet so warm with love, strength, passion and heat
It's the most common, and just thrown around as if it meant absolutely nothing
Finally one of the most beautiful and rare
So vain and deep in color
So vain in significance
It's the one I choose to keep
It's my favorite
The purple flower so royal and with such pride
Not one *****
It's my favorite sin
So lonely
Yet the surest cure for vanity is loneliness
So ill wilt away with the beauty of vanity in my hands symbolized by this purple flower

Wealth
Sumptuous living
Luxury
Opulence
Simple summary
My life behind closed doors
My life when i get out the bronx
I am humble but i love the finer things
I cant help but want the nicer things
I struggled to get where  i am at
N im struggling so my kids can have a lifestyle i dreamed of
Looking around now, ive never been seen such opulence
Until this very moment
However its not just the riches
Its the love
It the happiness
Its the peace
Its the mental law
Mentally successful
Mentally happy
Maybe im crazy
But everything is so beautiful
Everything seems magnificent
Everybody wants it
Everything i want exist in my mind
From the outside looking in,
Its a dream come true
From the inside looking out,
Its a nightmare i cant escape

are we really supposed to love only men?
can i love a women the way others love a man?
would it hurt me if i gave my heart to her instead of him?
its my happiness, not yours.she got everything except a third leg?  :)
she holds me tight and even tells me it ok to cry...
she knows my deepest secrets but she still kisses me soft.
she promised me the world but gave me the universe..
no man has ever done that. but still i keep it a secret, because its not
ok.if only you saw it in our eyes.... i dont anything else thats ever made me
see the stars so bright and clear. i ask again, is ok to love a woman??