Wish that pain would stop,
Climbing my way to the top
All that work to fall
Gave it my all
Now I'm rebuilding myself
I should build a ladder for the climb away from hell
Might build a fire
All that to burn whats behind and under me
I've got to move quickly

Good morning,  goood afternoon,  and goodnight to you darkness
I wrote the note hopefully it won't hurt everyone
I'm pretty close to being done
I swear somedays I'm not okay
But i have to be
A handfull of issues and perhaps something that gets me through
I wish it was that easy
I wrote about suicide in my journal and the pages are increasing
Judgment and darkness is all I'm receiving
I wake up ready to just quit
Grab my journals and drive away from this ****
No matter how far or how fast
I'll never escape the darkside of my past
I wanted to write the note
I wanted to explain to you theres no hope
Wanted to cry but chose a different path
I'm always going to be that regret that no one wants back

You sweared you're interested and let the world know. I still feel like a ghost. Sick of being that second string. My whole life I've been varsity.
I told myself I'm my own priority and to not let my guard down.
Now I'm here letting time consume me as I pass out on this ground.
Waiting for nothing. But apparently I'm worth something.
Now I'm the one that takes conversations full of drama
Tough love now everyone's a baby mama
I got some bottles by my side ready to take shots
Triggered so I'm a get wasted
Ignore the ones that have only fans because baby daddy's broke
Sick of the same trends kind of losing hope

Must of been fake
Did I swipe right on click bait?
Kind of hard to find a date.
Am I that ugly? Or did they heart me accidentally?
I'm coming home from a shift, notifications spamming me with surrounding and hardly any selfies.
The more I try the more I'm left on read.
Might as well delete the app instead.
Maybe I'm trying too hard, am I going too far?
My conversations weak, I end up questioning and then I get ignored. This is a rough reality check I'm getting bored.
Who's low key into me?
Step up I dont talk down on anyones insecurities
I'm played back, always on snapchat.
So let's talk about it, before I flat out quit.

With the conflicts full of confusion
With this chest ache I've found myself pretty close to be using
I'm drowning in poison to numb the decisions I make
I'm fighting Soberioity from the choices I've made
I've always improved and gotten much stronger
But the next challenge had always gotten tougher
The greatest strength I've gained was being sober for 14 years
About to burn that bridge to bring that inner Nel out.
Sick of missing, sick of feeling defeated, sick of over working to just lose it.
I don't believe I understand or relate to anyone but I sure hope you all believe me when I say loneliness is all that I'm feeling.

Some days we all just need to get together
Converse with each other
Talk about our accomplishments
Cheers for the journey
Some of us are together without a worry
Class of 15
Cheers in-between
Good to see familiar faces again
Happy to be a part of your lives
Feeling good inside
Let's keep it going
Not everyone was there, but we all still make the effort because we care
Let's move forward and keep the reunion going

I've grown courage to tell the truth.
Lies would of always caught up no matter how much I hid. Lies play ***** and they always win.
I'm meant to be broken.
It shouldn't last forever.
Someday I'll hope to be better.
Catch me at my worse
Hopefully I can one day prove my worth

The boys and I are on the hunt
We have enough ammo on the side
Up high to hide
We are ready and sighted in
Ready to bring food to the table
We watch for our own to make sure we're stable
Back straps, steaks, jerky, and venison heart
Ready to start
We care for one another
Got to call my brother
We'll have each others back

Why am I expected to learn?
As I'm here struggling to survive.
Harsh walking through life because its thin ice.
I've walked barefoot across the world and the cold gave me a burn.
Its thin ice cracking,
Reality is tough and lacking.
Sometimes it shatters and I've got to swim.
Its freezing I feel as if I can't win.
Thin ice has tought me to be careful.
All I want is to be successful.

I am okay again
Just needed self motivation
I'm my own man
I'll do it in my own I don't expect you to understand
I'm only human
But you know that
I'm lay back
I'm pretty chill
Promise you I'm real
I don't allow people to hurt me if i can help it
Just don't criticize me or do whatever I'm a pack a lip
Judge me again because I'm a spit
Inhail the cigarette I just lip
With the Copenhagen in my lip every judgment is like my nicotine
I spit the toxic and remember the bad it does to me
But I remember it as if I remember the bad things y'all done to me
Now no one can touch me
I can walk head high
As i continue to still drown
But I know how to swim
Quick revive him!
I'm alright
Don't need to fight
We all need to stick together
No such thing as forever
But why waste time ghosting when we all can use a hand
Bet you won't understand

I'm a start slayen the thoughts and voices going on in my head
Man slotter the temptations just to stay clean
But I am curious to feel the losing side
I got no where to hide
Forced to stand up and fight
This is war
Got the darkside of me begging for more
Had to lie and put on a face
Just to keep a stable mental pace
But that died a while ago
It was better to go

This job is toxic to me
I may have said and done some things but I am only one person.
I will not allow anyone to hurt me,
But I can not always be on guard
Lifes tough, catching up on Bill's is hard
Everyone forgot to stick together
I just need time and something better
This job was supposed to be temporary
Now I suffer in silence
I get twice the anxiety
I no longer have trust
Apparently I'm full of disrespectful
And disappointment
This job needs a new arrangement
How am I to do my job with a audience out for me to make a flaw?

Hurts to find new blades, trust comes in waves. Throwing knives because they're two faced. Sharp pain in my back must of been A new blade. Loyalty is rare I'm in need of A new place. Thoughts to myself to keep me safe.
One day I'll heal from these blades hitting my back. Opportunities to seek peace I'm sure everyone can agree with that.
They're Throwing knives while I'm moving forward, I guess now it makes sense when they say watch your back.

Don't trust Tinder, Never found a winner
She's a Only Fans beginner
But us men have compliments but we're a Thirsty sinner
Just false hope and a haunted app full of ghost
Thirsty Only Fans and stupid *******
Tinder never felt right so I left
Super liked my own business
What's a commitment?
Tinder has always been a joke
Caused me to be broke
I've so paid for the gold and found some Diggers
Full of preps and Only Fan strippers
You swiped right and then left
Account deleted for the 30th time
My ******* pays every dime
Tinder gold, one real joke, I'm hopping off Tinder boat, I've got my life jacket and off to land
Tinder so fake like you don't understand

Super swipe to dislike
Can't find the real nor the Mrs. Right.
I can't believe this is my big rant
But I'm expected to be perfect but I just can't
What a joke from tinder
Can't find my winner
Many have added, non have committed
Now I am just mentally exhausted
I'd give it my best, a waste of a effort I'm a give it a rest
Oh sure I'm not a catfish
I rolled in a real one but I got dissed
Must of used a filter
I think this is a fake quitter
**** tinder
I'll make another account later and ***** about not finding my winner
Plenty of fish in the sea
But the trick is waiting for them to take the bait from me
But I'm a swipe of a dislike
False hope finding that Mrs. Right
Held up my end always for me to end up chilling at the club
Still on the search for some sort of love
End up dancing my shots with the homies
I guess love doesn't want to know me
**** a tinder
This battles lost but I'll be that winner

I've drank till my life got tipsy.
Thinking about how life played me.
God forbid I change for the greater good.
I run out of **** to say.
Poor me one more glass anyway.
Maybe when I sober up I will realize my success has been in detox waiting for me.
But who knows where life takes me.
I'm tipsy again to show I'm only a flawed human.
But no matter where it takes me I promise I'm real and I refuse to lose again.

**** never works, I've been choked up I forgot how to use my words. I swear I've been bad luck since birth, probably will continue til I'm under the dirt. But I swear I've got some worth! I don't compare or compete my trauma from his or hers from better or worse. This isn't a race nor a challenge. I swear to God I'd help one in need. But for **** sakes I forgot how to feel complete. Just ******* lonely in all honesty. Last thing that never happened was some false hope, now I'm alone. Fat and broke. Just enough to get by, the last one I liked asked for every cent. But my attention had to be spent. I said no more and blocked the witch, I'm no one's ATM nor anyone's *****. If I'm being honest I'd rather have be alone, beats having a fake. It's just a shame there is so much potential, I just want to rise with someone and feel special. Maybe even.... one day be successful.

The choice of being alone is my comfort zone
Wishing to just end it all and go home
Isolate in my corner
But life always finds a counter
Lately I don't really sleep
Lost motives to eat
I'm just in too deep

We're together now, I wonder how it'd be like when  we were kids. Riding bikes, meeting at the park, running blocks to each other's homes, and talking about chasing dreams in our tree house. Pillow forts to keep the us safer from scars that are now covered by our tattoos. I wish I could have been there for you when life hurt you. I wished I could have given you my night light to use on your darkest days. I wished we all would have grown up together. But now we're Adulting together. I can dream of a chapter from my younger adventures. I can talk about pay phones and cigarettes. But now I'm here with you now. We're getting older together now. I'll give you my night light, I'll read you a story on how I got by and show you the scars on my skin. Let you know that you're never alone with me by your side. Meet up with me under swings and walk with me to the slide. This is our park now. We'll continue to grow and dream still

Why must questions make people angry
They fail to see the insecurity behind my curiosity
What do I live for?
Always in the negatives
Worked my *** off to repeat the cycle again
Not like I was actually hoping
I attempt to listen to a good song
Yet I find myself crying
**** today
Hopefully it's not as rough tomorrow

The jokes aren't that funny
But I'm alright
Laugh behind tears of A clown
I mask my frown
Global pandemic requires masks
But I've had A mask my whole life
Just to be alright
Too far, so I hit up the bat
Drink alone in corner
Wishing I can just start all over

I miss the way I use to be,
Miss being happy. The thought of it destroyed the world of mine. I'm just exhausted but giving it time.
Come home and rest, listen to my heart where your head is about to rest. Ignore that regret, just pretending again that she hasn't left.
I'm not ever going to forget the things we wrote. Now we clear our paths and swallow the ego down our throat. Forget I've ever called while I blackout, just hung over the feelings before my eyes caused a drought.
With this drink, with this thought. I've struggled and fought. Now I'm on my own, empty phone.
I use to believe I was always the one. Looking back I've always been dumb. Not even close I've been done. Letting the blood run. That's what we call too deep, about to drink and cry myself to sleep.
Tell me I'm nothing, cry about the past. Hitting up random partners in Hope's I wouldn't leave so fast. Now I'm dead inside. Find me a new safe place to hide.
Started off with long talks, upgraded to long walks. We've sat back all night, laughing without a single fight. Include the hope and the perfect distraction. A perfect attraction. Grew closer and grew up a lot.
Got our first car, first home.
Same matching phone.
Went homeless together, nothing mattered because we knew how to feel better.
Why did I end me? What a dark reality.
Stood as one, made love and ignored everyone. Family got closer to you and I.
The distance was arms reach but to far.
Now I'm crying in a car. Bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the next. Time flew and sometimes I forget you're now my ex.
I get caught up daydreaming, now I am about to do some day drinking.

I shall get uo everyday,
Stay out till late.
No matter how hot or how cold I am,
I'll refuse to give up.
I've got to bring dinner to the table.
It's peaceful out, I've got to stay silent for a very long time.
Even my thoughts feel to noisy.
But I've got to bring meat home.
Have to share with my family.
To the table I'd like to bring all natural lean venison

I don't ever feel like anyone's ready, always going slower and steady. Been hurt so much, life's just full of tough love. But I've gotten stronger with these reps, this will for now be my last set. Someones mistake. Maybe, please don't break. Comfort was all I was craving. I left my heart open, but these fakes left me broken. All I needed was your patience
But wait....catching me at a vulnerable stage, was worth you feeling your ego up while I feel my chest race. My experience was crazy I wrote down some of my achievements. But your patience was lost for me to comfort you at your convenience.
A failed date, then the rant to update. Blogged it to take a verbal break. Now I'm wondering if I'm finding love too late.
Patience is the key, but everything's locked. I wait longer to get blocked. Hands up for cover, also to reach out because I'm a lover.

I feel sorry for those who cheat
Hope that they find the other half so they're complete
With these scars on my back, I move forward and refuse to look back.
But I won't drown again, I'll keep my arms open. Need someone who's just as wrecked as I am. Someone who can understand. Sure everyone won't be perfect. But fighting for two halves to make a whole would be totally worth it. I'd much rather step back to contemplate, then find another heart ache. But I'm also prepared to fail. Not everyone is bad, just mistakes happen I just so happen to catch the worse.

Always destroying my love
Fights break out I began to push and shove
I plan to move
But I feel like there's too much to lose
I'm trapped wearing a noose
Can't catch a breath I seriously have to choose
Self destruction with a depressed cherry on top
But my world completely fell off
No privacy, not even a knock.
That insecure part of me made me so lonely
Can't trust anyone to even get to know me
How will you tell me you care?
But I unlock myself to see that no one's there!
Not surprised, but I've got this mental panic.
Wished someone wanted my heart but I still had to grab it
Now I'm looking past it
It's now my new habit
Who was the old me?
I barely drank socially
Now that temptations getting a hold of me!
Try and tell my I'm ugly!
I've made it the far so go ahead and judge me!
I felt bullet proof until my love shot me
A bottle with a 100 shots
Emptied the liter reloaded and cheers went down the hatch
I'd a wished to take it all back

I've got some demons to face down the road. Fights on, hanging up depression.
Hopefully that fresh air will put me back on track. I guess ****'s crazy and don't feel any positive vines.
I'm strong, I'm loyal.
Here lies the old me. Argue with myself.
I'm fighting with my temper. Slept with the past. Clinging on to depression. In love with anxiety.
I've got some **** impossible to explain, not ready for this dramatic change.

Feel like I'm in a castle
Nature singing
Earth spinning
Tree's dancing
Theres birds speaking
It's beautiful
Sunset caught my eyes just right
Hazel
I'm a chill on top of this tree
Work on me with some peace

I'd be lying if I said I was fine. But **** I swear I'm trying. I feel like I can't express what's going on inside. I'd rather smile with a lie. Behind these hazel eyes are flooded with screams and cries.
I'd do whatever it takes, but without the right motivation I can feel the veins open as my heart aches. I've made far too many mistakes.
I like to believe I'm a astute person, but I've always made it all worse with my temper. Over protective or a over exaggeration? It depends on who observing my attempts and it follows their opinion. I never meant to fight so angry, but I lose control. I'm a ticking time bomb and I got no where to explode. No one to help suppress my depression silently. I'm "drinking" so heavily and my words grown violently. Tell me I'm lost so I can be found safely. I'll allow myself bottled up opinions be so empty. I'm lying to you when I say I'm fine. I put my struggles aside while I swallow a glass of pride. How are we playing hide and seek when I'm out in the open and I've got now one willing to seek me?

**** a insecure thought
Been through a battle and I won everyone I fought.
All because I'm the last one standing,
I fall a bit but I'm outstanding.
Try me,
I'll put that to rest because you'll experience true anxiety

Use to watch it all in a sitting
Junk food, drinks, laughing, crying, either way it was all comforting.
Writing this piece because a song gave me this bitter sweet memory.
I feel like bella at the moment because I had love that abandon me. Love her for a thousand years.
Now alone with tears.
What's wrong with me.
Why is it all still hurting
Thought it was working
**** it twilight I want to be okay

Don't talk to me about your commitment
Show me you're committed
It's personal not a business
But we got different sides of a story
That's something that we shouldn't lose sleep over nor something much a worry
Assertive voice
But a defiant action by a choice
Never made any agreements
Just focusing on my achievements
Don't stress too much not worth grieving
Messages receiving
A phone call just for a rant
But making your own choice is a won't not a "I can't"
I understand the frustration
But you've gotta to redirect the situation
Just don't retaliate
I'm sure you'll do fine and I'll feel great

This was unexpected but also was predicted.
High pressures and hopes deflated
I'm so defeated
Depression gave me type two
I'm not sure if anyone understood why I stressed eat sweets
Always ready for a drink
I'm happy I pulled up
Upset about the results
Appointments after appointments for now
I hope I don't ******* drown
I've got a sweet tooth
But that's how depression and anxiety get you
Greater pros, higher cons.
I've got to learn how to avoid consuming under stress
A diet to put my levels a safer journey
I'm going wild both in my mind and my soul

I've always been the man that no one thinks about. Been ugly and have lost my way with a feeling of doubt. Not even love can save me, I've always been less worthy.
My past always made it's way to me.
My absence was just dust.
Easy replaced, my heart ****** aches.
I'm ugky and don't no one ****** wants or loves me.

Yeah I'm ugly
Don't need to remind me
No one like my personality
All I am is insecure
Now in superior
I've always been ugly
I appreciate the honesty
I remind myself every day
Thanks reminding me that I'm ugly
Sorry for sending a selfie
No sugar coats because who wants to be ket down softly
**** yeah I'm ugly
No wonder I'm single not a **** soul wants me nor my personality

I'm afraid to allow company
All anyones done was hurt me
Got a lot of thinks on my mind I can barely think
Shredding the shore about to sink
Wishing a had a little drink
But I'm stay clean
Avoid things so i say what i don't mean
Caught up on depression
No need for a counseling session
I think I've learned a lesson
Who needs help when trust is a issue
Look at the things I'm gping through
Wish i had someone to save me
Got no where else better to be
Nobody to go see
I don't want to live life full of impulsive guilt
Just want the real deal
Things on my mind and resentment is all I feel
Hold me
Nah don't touch me
Hug me
Nvm i don't want you to see me
Whats wrong
What do I do from here

Everytime I speak to you
Poor choices fill my knowledge and I forget what to do
Life with the passing lane
But sped up the disappointment train
Stopped at the railroad
Cold in and out but I'm still ready to go

The spell under love has a lot of ways to make a person wonder. But there are conflicts and success. I have been through a lot and can tell the difference by simply recognizing the problem. The veins of mine has spread because I never knew how to solve them. I lay there empty, silent, curious, constantly daydreaming to avoid more tears...... I am under a spell. women have magic, they can change a man in new ways. Can be sweet, can be a nightmare, or can be a lesson. I will refuse to be Victimized. You may break me or hurt me by surprise. But ever since I barley survived the storm, I am more then happy to look at the shadows in dark as if they were to be my next enemy. I will dig a trench and have a resent memory. The spell will maybe **** someday but since men like me are strong with that pinch of hope I will be able to take the best hit you've got.
What's going to happen now? Sorry but also ready for the best and the worse to happen to me. I am under spells, my dark half of me is dragging me down to hell.

Hello
How are you?
I noticed the struggle you put yourself through
You care too much
But everyone's annoyed and life gets tough
If I don't have anyone atleast I have me
I know me better
Lesson after lesson
No kindness
Just in debt with favors