**** your apology, that doesn't mean anything to me. Truly not yours sincerely, couldn't believe I took you seriously. Just had to be poked, at first it was serious but now it's a joke. We met each others family, for a second I was happy. We dreamed of loyalty because we knew betrayel. But still under a storm now there's hale. Dreamt of love but it broke, now I'm woke. Under a nightmare that heart broke. **** your apology, now feeling like **** so I write in agony.
You decided to chill in the dark when I searched for you with a light. Drowned me under a burnt out spotlight. Now I'm to let it go, but for that I decided to walk away slow. False hope! Started off talking about ****** up **** we've done in the past. Worked on making this relationship my last. But she looked back, picked up the old habits to put it in my track. I tried to take a step just to trip. I guess I'll see myself next fall.
Tough talk after a change, in my past I admit my lies and cheating. But I learned from it, now her flaws had my emotions defenseless. **** a apology when I'm trying to be happy. Fighting mentally, worked together financially. For a 10 minute poke, now loneliness provoked. How am I to take you serious when I'm treated Like a joke? **** your apology, this is me trying to be happy.

When I punch out I sit in my car smoking a cigarette
About to go home and play some Apex
Hour or two later
I put on some TV in my favor
When the weekends young I drink till I get stupid
This is my life I'm happily getting use to it
Junk food and a good drink
Sweats and TV
Punch out till my lights go dim
I'll put on some slim
Driving around for some music therapy
Gas station food because my stomachs empty
I'll punch in, working for my paychecks go thin
Punch out to enjoy a weekend
For that I'll punch out to punch back in

You want to run away, I want to save your day. He hurt you and you've lost trust, this boys a bust.  Come home I will keep you safe, take you here we'll get a place. Helping each other mentally, working on it financially. I'll be your family! You're home sick because the depression cloud is contagious. Being with his toxic *** is dangerous. We can get a place together, I'll help you get better. You don't need a boyfriend, I'll be your one and only best friend. Friends don't lie, I can't wait for you to tell him good bye. Saw you smile for the first time and that was a blessing. Then you went home to a fight I wished he got the message. You need to come home, **** that ***** for ******* around on your phone. "I need you here with me"
I will be sure you'll stay happy.
Like home you'll be with me like Sam and Dean. We'll fight the world till our lives are clean. We both will enjoy life together. Plus my family will watch over you better. We can even write my grandma a letter. Like home why don't you come back, let that ******* lose everything he never once had.

He sips from a bottle
Drinks his emotions that he bottles
He struggles with his looks
Judges his self to feel better
He even wrote a pros and cons letter
He's drinking too much
With his family and friends he's no longer keep in touch
Drank them by a dozen
Drunk calling a cousin
Trying to find comfort but found nothing
He lost everyone's trust
By drunk dialing too much
I don't think he gave a **** any more
He's lost and don't want to be found with the heart he tore
Hes silently sobbing while he struggles to stay sober
Pillahots round after round till there isn't any more
**** the world tell him something that's a new flaw that he already doesn't know
Put his *** back on that ghost mode

I stay close to my daddy
He knew how to fix happy
The struggle I see in his eyes though
Makes me want to search for his hope
He's a single father
Watching for the youngest but it's no bother
That's his daughter
The **** I'd do
The things I've gone through
Daddy I'm sorry for being a ***
But I'll always have your back
You've fixed me, now I gotta help you
Wish I could run your world to pay it back
Hell I'll start so set me up I'm a run this track
Sprint to your heart
Pray and hope you won't fall apart
I remember watching tears form but they didn't pour
That type of a struggle is something I wouldn't want to see anymore
Mama walked out on me too
I know what's it like to lose
But God forbid I let any ****** hurt you again
Ask that ******* that tried to say your name In vain, but was supposed a joke?
I'd a smashed his brain
Call me insane but it's the wealth that's broke
Daddy taught me about being rich by personality
I just pray that one day I'll be able to see you happy

Chain smoking
Laughs because we're joking
Cans and bottles on that tailgate
Singing songs we know to keep the night awake
Blowing smoke
Making a joke
But deep down we're avoiding reality
Moments like these make me happy
I've got marb reds
Avoiding the thoughts that run through my head
Leaving others on read
Time for a great memory
Blowing smoke with a drink to keep me happy
Not a alcoholic
Just trying to avoid the toxic
Blowing smoke about to walk by the fire
Just wanted to sing s'more

Someone grab me a hero I can't speak
I'm isolating under my sheet
Bug bad wolf is after a sheep
Illuminate the Darkside so they can't creep
Screaming but can't be heard
Thought I hear mocking but it's just a bird
Paranoia hits to close to home
But panic is my comfort zone
Who has lived a peaceful life without overthinking?

My heart was sitting on a fence
Couldn't pick a side so I had to learn self defense
Like trouble I'd like a time out
Trying to improve anyone ready to take me out
Here's a chance, but I'm for once generally happy
Aside from daydreaming of a settle
Hopefully one day I'll have my own cute family, but until then I'm okay with where I'm at
Not to skinny, not too fat
Just a decent man waiting for someone to see that
Loyalty is my specialty
The past is the past and I'm on a new journey

Posting things for a future wanted dream
But can't even take a second to appreciate it all because of a screen
Selfies with everything thing
I've notice a nice ceiling out of it
Screen ready to go in the back of the pocket
What's a vacation?
I think I'll ask unemployment
Globally falling apart
Oh wait that's my world
Sorry about that, I write to avoid a anxiety attack
I hear everyone's struggle, but it's a double faced trouble
Ghostface, a struggle wave
But I'm not about to surf unnecessary drama
Just trying to keep a mental picture in a safer frame

One minute they're there to converse
Didn't matter if things got worse
Conversations with me got shorter,
They've got attention with someone else
That's because I wasn't close any longer
But I've got to start using my armor
But my feelings aren't bullet proof
So I began taking shots like I'll run out of stock
Back to the bottom because I was never on someone's priority spot
I could keep filling my glass with doubt
Drink it till happiness blacks out
But what's the point, I'd rather feel numb
People have lives I get that but their subliminal post feel as if it's directed to me and I feel so dumb
What have I done?
Just fuckimg lonely but I'm not alone!
How is that any comfort to anyone? Especially when it feels like betrayel is something they own!
Converse with me is like a question game because I've wondered what intrigued them
No one knew me, just know of what I've done, or who I chill with
I've surfed couches but delt with a harsh wave
Slept in my vehicle not a ******* soul gave a ****
I never knew how to converse because this short story always had to come up
That was me trusting you and showing you some love
But since I'm crazy might as well act like you don't know me
Well that's not all wrong who the **** had to patience to get to know me

I woke up with a headache
Patients about to break
Can't seal my lips with duct tape
But felt better listening to music
Head still hurts though
Time for woke I've got to go

I will do this solo
No need for me to go
Leave me alone
Stop spamming my phone
One
I need a break and I need it fast
Two
I've always showed up last
Three
Preparing to watch my back
Four
Leave me alone this isn't a selfish act

About to head out with the homies we better double up
Drinks on the rocks we about to get this dub
In it to get stupid
I want to act stupid
Talking too much just turn the music up
Have the bass double up
Cranberry juice and titos
Careful lil homie don't be talking to the hoes
We're here to drink, let your mind shrink, I want to see you sink
Double up on shots
Shoot your chances away because you can't be giving it a thought
Jag bombs with whisky
Beer lined up hand them to me
My double fist my drinks I'm a call it Nellie's doubled up
About to give alcohol some love
Late night club
Homies and I are about to double
They'll shoot pool, I sit on a stool
Sipping my drinks as the ice keeps them cool
Let's get stupid
Play a song from cupid
Shuffle that **** on the dance floor
Double up my drinks I'm ready for more

Don't trust Tinder, Never found a winner
She's a Only Fans beginner
But us men have compliments but we're a Thirsty sinner
Just false hope and a haunted app full of ghost
Thirsty Only Fans and stupid *******
Tinder never felt right so I left
Super liked my own business
What's a commitment?
Tinder has always been a joke
Caused me to be broke
I've so paid for the gold and found some Diggers
Full of preps and Only Fan strippers
You swiped right and then left
Account deleted for the 30th time
My ******* pays every dime
Tinder gold, one real joke, I'm hopping off Tinder boat, I've got my life jacket and off to land
Tinder so fake like you don't understand

People try to cross burned bridges
As if they had no where to go
I've got on my coat because the heats so cold
Might as well call it freezer burnt
Always trying to cross over
Learning slow as I get older
I stay for self respect
Never knew what to expect
People act like they know me, especially when they see me doing stupid **** on my story
Never knew I was being judge until an argument comes
They shoot shots at me as if I was dumb
Just out having fun
I've burned bridges and still managed to cross over
It's not all over
I'll wait for a response when in sober
Not like these choices fight back
I've built respect only the real friends know that

I just want to punch everybody
Don't do me *****
I'm not a mutt
Not my fault everyone decided to be a only fans ****
Being naked is beautiful and innocent
But the pleasure can be a sin
I'm not a mutt nor do I need leash
I'm just broke and everyone's cheap
How is it that I'm the first to go under the bus? But these hypocritical people cross their heart on me! Loyalty?
Not really
Loyalty is sticking by my side and not threaten to throw me as soon as it's your convenience
I'm not a mutt just caged in achievements
I guess you truly can't trust no one, it's like watching your back get butchered
I'm trained to sit, zip my lip
But take the fall for stupid ****
Working for false achievements
But I'm to take a trip to fall off a bus for your convenience
Once again I'm not a mutt

Problems like a puzzle
Missing pieces
Here's a corner maybe I'll solve love
But the center is not complete
I'm starting to lose feeling so I get back on my feet
I feel like each corner is the easy part
Because time out I need to isolate
I'm a sporadically all over
But this puzzle cause me to lose focus
I'm thinking too hard
Pieces all over but I'm determined to finish I cross my heart

Not like I can pull in for the drive
This is the only highlight
The beer I've consumed
The music I've got on iTunes
Dead end, lost a good friend
Seems to be the new trend
One second we're out and about
Next we separate with out reaching out
A dead end can be either for worse or the best
But doesn't stop me feeling upset
Same kind of drama
Depression giving people a reason to put life in a coma
Head in the clouds they say
But I struggle with **** everyday
I put my boots on and work til 2am
With no one to turn to
Sometimes I'll just drive
All that to watch the sun rise
Tell me something for you to not to take my advice
So I don't have to replay I told you so in the back of my mind
**** happens all the time
Here's a question I've got to ask myself....
Is this my dead end or is it yours?

I didn't work another double
All just to watch a bigger struggle
Now I'm trying to snuggle
But apparently I'm nothing special
Is it me, or my my personality
Either way I don't know anything about happiness
Just fluent in loneliness
Now I'm working overtime
But I'll be lucky to have a dollar and hardly see a dime
I've ****** up and lost control
What a way to tell me I have a ugly soul
Grab a time sheet and punch me out
Like a upper cut I'm knocked out
But I got back up ready to punch back in
I refuse to let the haters win
I'm just trying to find myself again
I saw a flyer and would love to begin

Star light
Star bright
Can I please get peace tonight
Been a struggle times are tough
I've just about had enough
Everything is just so rough
I wish upon a smile
Wouldn't want a burden on anyone
I know it's been awhile
Gaze upon something that should've been done
So star light, star so bright can I please get a peaceful sleep tonight?

Shovel is a unique tool
Burried myself because I was a **** fool
One day I was to learn
But I'd rather light a fire and burn
Souls supposed to light up but it's getting dark
Illuminated moments captured a glimpse of her heart
But I'm not a noose meaning I'm not hung up
Just happier to be away to search for my own love
Even if it's just me finding myself
A fallen angel but found the devil
6 foot deep for the 666 traditional sleep grab a black shovel
Any prayers lead to a ritual
About to be a darker spiritual
On a low level
Going to decay while people stomping on my grave
I tell the darker temptations to behave
Shovel had me Burried and I dig it

Stood up
Fell down
Sat up
Lied down
Got the spins
Stood up again
Why is this happening?

What streaks?
What another daily blank selfie?
How about something different for a change?
I am guilty of being boring but the daily got old and I attempted something new
I get boring responses from you
Nice forehead, that will be my head against that blank wall
I look up to the ceiling and boredom hit me til next fall
I guess main events will be the same
Tik toks and radio snaps for about a hour long
I like the person don't get me wrong
Just would prefer something different
People I don't hear from leaving me on read
Then a hospital selfie as they lay in bed
I'm trying to figure out why the pity *****?
Like poor me? I need the get well soon for comfort but it was just a check up....
Now I got heart ache drama but then I get left on read to check up?
I'm a just do me, if it's blank selfie I'll spam you with mockery.
Ask my buddy Kory 🤣

There you go
Off by your lonesome
Thought you'd be different
Nope that was a mistake
What's a date?
Give me a story
Ghosted once again
**** ya'll
I'm a focuse more on me

The toxic touch of her lips
A taste of poison from a kiss
I put a flyer everywhere because I feel so lost
Where do I begin the search?
Toxic love everywhere
Broken hearts come out of thin air
Lost sleep, lost the weight.
Happens from a severe heart break
Now I don't even know which path to take
Went from special to betrayel
Who'd a thought that the people you adore
Would grow quick to not love me anymore
Throwing my knuckles through these walls
Tears formed I crash and crawl
Stories told
Rumors solid as gold
Truth burns and feelings form to ash
I'd a done just about anything to get happiness right back
Her lips, toxic kiss
Need a safer place better than this

Not sleeping okay
Not eating today
Been a struggle day
Refuse to stay
Not going to have anything to say
I'm fine when I'm not

Baby girl!
Illuminated my world!
Red shield to my Apex
I can't even figure what's next
Beauty had me struck
The blushes had me stuck
You're so kind
Can't keep that kindness out of my mind
Who honestly can game with me?
Wished you can drink and play with me
That's how it should be
Feeling so exhilarated
Thank you for finding me
Especially with our mic
Gaming with you all night
This is something I really like
That's the way it's supposed to be
Thank you baby girl
Happy You're a part if my world

Been a rough patch
This year went by too fast
Not about to look back
Just trying to keep myself on track
Global pandemic along with being alone
Ignoring all the blank selfies on my phone
Another year single
I even attempted to mingle
But I lost weight though
Doing better being solo
End of 2020 isn't even a relief
It'll get ugly before the true beauty and that's my belief
Last year I was at a club
Drinking alone not I'm at a house party and that's what's up
Ready for another year some achievements
Not focused on my agreements
Just end of 2020 and I'm do better nothing to special

No one hates me more than me.
I'm not even in a dream.
Go ahead and resent me I'm not afraid of living in negatives. But you're the ones cold. I'll sleep in my vehicle below zero I ain't GIVE A ****. I'LL WARM IT UP!
Call me lazy, call me worthless. Either way you're the ones giving up on me. I know **** too much about being lonely. But people still **** with me.
Bury me in ****, either way I won't quit. This life is mine and I'm living it.

All alone in the dark
Determined to fall apart
Waited till I crossed my heart
Tears formed and the agony is about to start
I straight up lost control
Don't even know where to go
Hands on a shovel
Digging a hole about to work on the double
Buried everything I've got to isolate
Suppressed my feelings hopefully no one's coming to my wake
Everything is so dark
Can't believe I broke my own heart
Since no one is near me
I begin to yell and scream
Sky's black, the weather matches the setting
I didn't want to be alone in the darkness
I'm currently living alone in the darkness
Feels like the world spin me around to fast
I'm dizzy and drinking out of the glass
With he bottle I never want to pass
Hands on a bottle, pills in a shot glass
About to hit it harder than my last
The sun's still down with my hands on the shovel
I will stay late, **** it I'll work the double
Not much for life just more debt to be in trouble
I'll slam this pillshot
Bury my sorrows with prayers for a better tomorrow
Whats light again? I forgot

I need to review
Did I wrote something new?
Or did I reuse
Either way I don't have anything to lose
Not impress
Still out with this stress
If I were to Date it, it'd be toxic
But at the same time it'd be fantastic
Been writing for some time
These words will be filling every line
I hope to illuminate someone's world but forget mine
I'm not meant to shine
But I'm a son, I will set up
Suns heat and rises up maybe its just nature's luck
I've got to father in my life
Rise and go down till it feels right
Now I'm a enjoy a moment
As if I own it

If I were to publish
I would even be selfish
Just nervous
Have you thought about what life would be like?
I have, I get likes and hate
Not any different now, but then everyone I once knew would reach out as if I were to owe them a favor
Hard for me to tell them later
I'd need someone to be ride for me
Even then that'd be sketchy
If I were to publish my writing to a book
Who'd honestly give it a look?
It's not a competition of who had it the worse
We're all living to make it work
If I were to I'd hope to seek everyone's worth
Especially on the true reviews
Not about the fame
Nor me as a popular name
Just hoping those who read
Trying to succeed
Especially mentally
Because **** reality
If I were to it'd have to be in my perfection
Just my true way of affection

She's so perfect, would I even be worth it?
Time slows down but my heart rate is increasing!
Confidence decreasing
I'd love to get to know her my dear, want to take it slow and start here
All though I'm a ghost
But I haunt that beauty the most
May I some day find a chance
She can seriously take my hand
She's so beautiful and I think of her all the time
I know I've got false hope but what's the point of a daydream.... if I can't dream mine

Paranoid
Strongly annoyed
Anxiety increases
Heart shattered into pieces
Waiting on a response feels like a thousand years
All I feel on my body are thse tears
Why must the love break me again
Might as well leave my chest open

Didn't want to be the only one to drink
Always in the mood to write and think
As it hits me
I let myself sink
But my body floats above
Especially with this strong buzz
Just when I thought I didn't have enough

I'm not trying to be a ****
Just sick of the same conversations and ****
Pretty soon I'll shut my phone off pretty quick
Something you don't like happens, then You act so surprised
But I warned you and you should've taken my advice.
Not worth playing I told you so, just have a opened mind next time and take it slow
You needed advice to ignore it
Grab a box of tissues for your ignorance
But all okay, people learn better the hard way
Learn how to be happy by yourself
Others will be there dont get me wrong but its safer to watch your mental health
People now a days have the same problems
Solve it for me, but I'm sitting in pity.
I struggle with this and that
And the others are trying to one up the track
Then it all begins
But no one wins
If I'm getting the same story and watching you do nothing
I'll ghost you till I see that you learned something

I've got you and you're all that I need to stay close to me. Shoot a flaire in the air. On the search for your love and I'll be right there. Illuminated my darkness. For our hearts we'll pick up the pieces as if it was a harvest. I'll no longer fall because you're my harness. Need you to never leave me. We'll find ourselves because it's our reality. You'll always be my baby girl, my hollar gal. I will never let a man mistreat you, I'll help you through. My best friend,  I'll always have my arms wide open. Just don't leave.

Clever little boy
It's almost Christmas I think Santa got you a toy
Do you know something that I don't?
You're clever, in my family tree forever
You wanted to be just like me, listening to music like me
Now next fall I'm a take you out hunting
Some true bonding
Let's watch over our family together
Thank God for my brother
Then and I wouldn't have each other
The music taste and the choices you make
Here's my heart its for you to take
My little nephew I love you and wouldn't let anything happen to you

I'm trying to sleep but I'm drowning
Eyes flooded my pillows and now they're frowning
My eyes heavy but I can't sleep
Everything's hitting me
With these thoughts I still manage to cry in silence
Not even a sound or a sob
Happiness is now defiance
A ounce of joy I guess not

I am doing my best, at this point I won't make no promises. With no disrespect, right now I'm a ******* wreck. Can't put these thoughts to rest.  I'm in-between irritation and slight regret. Thats just the doubts hitting me from the left. All because it don't feel right. No promises please don't make me. I just want my cares in the world to be empty. How do I give, when I yet have myself to live? To forgive is to let go and rise. But you'll never unsee it with your own two eyes. No promises, I'm a be alone. If need to be I'll ******* disappear and ghost my phone. All I need is a warm vehicle and a journal and off to the road. Flipping off my rear view mirror as I go ghost mode. You think I won't? Try me, I've done it before and it's a walk in the park for me. I'm trying my best to stay happy

Homie said he'll take the knives out of my back
But conversations with me is something I truly lack
Told myself I'll stay clean
But I do stupid **** I don't mean
Ope look at this meme
It's stupid
Dating apps fake nothings real as cupid
Oh a book up
Nah I ain't ******* with that
Just trying to fi d a first aid for my back
Cut me some slack

You think you're trash
Thinking too deep in the past
You forget to look up because life brought you down
It's okay to frown
But don't allow depression to take over your throne because its your crown
I know thoughts scream out loud
But remember what you have and be proud
Independent and a better individual
It takes a lot to be successful
Trust me you're not trash
Don't take that doubt out
You've got this

Love was a joke, especially when you're fighting to avoid being broke. Like my heart, use that in the last sentence. Always on mental maintenance. The smile I use to have illuminated my world. Now it's me alone in the darkness but no one can have my soul.  Marshall taught me love is just a word, you bring the definition. But never wanted all that attention. Wanted to be at peace, anxiety always took over me. Love got me too broke, ask my heart because life got cold. Living in below temperature with out a coat.
Tell me I was never worth ****. But was requested to work for it. Always stayed late, too much to complicate. All that overtime for this ******* heart break. Now tell me I'm ugly, tears formed for nothing. All I wanted was someone to just hug me. Always lonely, ask my thoughts what they think of me. I began to be sober but then doubts hand to enter. Then I lost my temper. But I refuse to go back on pills! No matter how much all this kills. I'd bite my tongue, slit the wrist to let the blood run. Now ask me if I'm happy! I'll smile with a fake celebration and beging clapping. All because I was a ******* joke. I fought to avoid being broke. But my hearts indebt and depression threw me the the negatives. It was so cold I froze. With all that failure I still avoided begging and pleading. Asking for help is not me I'd rather suffer and begin bleeding. But I'm good I ain't about to drop my burden on someone who don't care to see me succeeding. Especially with others who refuse to simply check on me. Talk about a joke.

With out me
Where would anyone else be?
Never been the one to accept defeat
Just took a minute away to breathe
I got many of acquiesce friends
But I got homies til the end
One journey till the next begins
For that I'll full send

666
Not falling for tricks
Rituals will be something I will happily miss
Not going out to fall for this
666
I've got fire and sticks
Bones break but my words are unstoppable
No darkness please if possible
Dark soul on my shoulder I need a black shovel
My soul ain't for sale and figures aren't crossed in a double
Sorry Mr. DEVIL
You're a fallen angel and rose hell
But I will not be under a spell

When this pen I can finally speak
With this tear drop I can spread my ink
Let my hand do all the talking
Tears forming and I'm not stopping
Who do I call for help
Well....
No one because I can't even find the problem
Why rely on someone else to solve them!
Thats not me
Not who I want to be.
That's just not me!

I'll always doubt. Nellie you're the who needs to chill out. You're so tough but weak. Even your financial problems build up that you can't eat. Thats tough but also satisfying to see you at defeat. I doubt you because you use to be so happy. Everything you never had built you a flame to burn in agony. Doubting you is for ***** and gigs. Here's some alcohol take a sip. Drunk call someone to lose your respect. I do this to you because you're the one who left. Remember crying to sleep, but it felt okay with a drink? I do, it's amazing watching you lose. The emotions I leave to watch you abuse. I infect your securities to watch your peace deteriorate. Love watching you break. I'm obsessed of staying aggressive. It's my personality because you'll fail and be defenseless. You think me doubting and a side of depression is bad..... wait til failure and sanity gets a chance. Just think I'm at the front of the line, to make you lose your mind. Just give it time. You're soul will be mine.
P.S
When will you doubt yourself?

Always wanted to be able to stay safe.
Mentally struggle everyday.
People come to me, but I keep my mouth shut.
All sealed till I'm drunk.
Drunk conversations to let myself go off!
Feels like I'm dropping like a rock!
Told the ones I love, that I'll keep my head above.
Lost it all sinking, then I began drinking!
Whatever I've done wouldn't matter do to my run.
Past chasing me and sometimes catches up.
Never gave up but got too close.
Mistakes made by the path I chose.
Hyperventilating trying my best to keep up for shore.
But people I love and care for wouldn't want to be there anymore.
I'm a pack up my **** and leave again.
But my as will stay open.

I have no clue where to go from here
All I'll do is debate and drink a beer
I know my writings plain and clear
Hell sometimes I just want to get out of here
The stuff I wrote
All that to avoid feeling broke
Now I'm a provoke
But the deprived me stayed woke
For that I'm a chain smoke

Saw each other everyday, grew a bond along the way. Still will remember the great times we've had and begin to grow love everyday. Hearts planted, for life stays granted. We stick together and find peace. For that I learned to take care of me. I hope its a good future you receive, because with this new improvement I'm a seek to achieve.