I drank till I was paralyzed, no sleep again I'm deprived. Blood shot eyes...hang over what a surprise. Why is it all heavy? I don't want to be spazzin the **** out, but I'm in a battle of my self doubts.

She gave me butterflies and now they rip apart my stomach to go free. But she still cares for me. Now everything is blackning and I'm back tracking. Loss a grip because lifes to ****** heavy

I can feel the judgement, I sense the disappointment. That's cool I'm making a mixed drink. Crying a tune so I can ******* think. I hear my voice screaming at me, sometimes I'm not even there. Why doesn't everything get light as a feather? I just want to feel better. It's all to heavy. Look at what depressants are doing to me.

The sky is blackining, everything ***** as I'm watching it all happening. Can't tell because there isn't any more lighting. I swear karma loves to play with me. This is the new Normal. Sometimes I can't even write in my journal.

Listen to me when I speak
Promise me you won't roll your eyes and leave
I've been working on myself lately
Realized how more I'm lost with you baby
I know I was never a amazing man
But I did everything I possibly can
Please look deeper into your heart for me
I'm always here with open arms don't you see?
Just come home
I'm by my phone
I know with me you don't feel alone

What's sleep?
Doing it all alone
No one by myside
As predicted I'm the one to cause the issues
Miss the comfort
Miss loving each other in silence
Comunicating with our eyes and with a touch
**** i miss it so much
I cant sleep
Impossible to have a appetite to eat
Tempted to drink
I'm drowning my eye *****
I'm on the floor ready to crawl
Up all night and before i know it I'm in bed again
Repeating the cycle eyes wide open
Anxious and pacing in bed
Eyes fried feeling dead
**** this is painful
Someone find the cure please

I turned my tears to sweat
All led to success
But guess what?
This guilt still fills me with regret

I took **** to granted
Ran myself to a darker planet
Her love! **** i can't have it
Fell to deep and separated
Miss it all
Wish she'd call
Come home
With us we wouldn't atleast feel this alone
...........

I can't be jealous
Boy I'm really ridiculous
Hurts to say goodbye
Ibwas able to keep a straight face before anyone saw me cry
I'm jealous and anxious all the time
Somedays I believe you're still mine
I can't stop the tears
I'm we spent time together for years
May not be much to others
But without you there isn't any other
All the times we spent joking around
All the plans to eventually settle down
We've all made mistakes
Stuck it out because we refuse to break
But now look at us
Can't wven take care of ourselves
I'm jealous of the way you handle things
I'm jealous because I've still got the feelings
I'm lost with out my baby because she's not home

I still love you
I forgive you
No ammends
I'm always at work "fine"
All because I choose to pretend
Wish to hold you in silence
For the past few days when i napped i dreamt i was home with you baby
Miss us so much I'm going a little crazy
Remember our routine?
I do, I even remember the way you smile when you kissed me
Darling i know we're not okay
But I'm still here for you idc what time its or how late it is don't be afraid to call or come home

With the reflection I can see eye to eye
Dissing myself with compliments till I lose my mind
No wonder I go mad
Tell me who's bad?
In this mirror I can see everything reflecting off of me
Can't tell if I'm disgusted or happy
Either way I argue with myself  but the opposite conciousness side of me can see eye to eye
Both of us saw me burried dead
What the ***** goin on in my head?
Mirrors don't lie
But doesn't also give you a highlight
Tell me I'm going crazy
Taunt me when I'm crying because that's all I've been doing lately
Ready to get angry and ready to put a fight
Give me something that's supposed to feel right
I wrote pillshot, i wrote darkside, and I wrote the note
I'm the creator or some more darker **** that's ghosted in a journal
Not many know me or what I am about to achieve
Soon this journal will be complete
To the ******* who think my writings cheap
**** y'all this is only the beginning

**** the rules
Give me more *****
Ready to lose
Y'all gotta move

I'm a bring back Nel
Y'all ready for some hell?
I'm a bit crazy
You ready to black out baby
No ******* sleep
Don't got **** to eat
Not that it matters
Don't kid yourself
Guess what hurts the most?
You know what who the **** cares I'm ready to be a ghost
Pill this trigger and load up for a pillshot
What happened last night? I already forgot
Retaliation
A little bit of a new destination
Where should i ******* go?
Load up a boat
Ready to drown the ******* regrets so I can float
Grab the *****
Ready to lose
Give me the recent news
If there is a foght going on I'll stay to finish it
Ready for some ****
Don't start with me
I'm ready for a blackout i don't think i can see
Help me I'm ready to panic
Load up on some xanax
Hopefully pass out
Maybe forgot my life for a bit
Honestly I'm ready to ****** quit

People are normally going through rhings alone
How many of you have a empty phone?
Distracting yourself wishing you were in a better place
How many of you are wishingbthat right now?
I know I am.
Sure I've got people
Heres what they don't understand
I've lost love and I can't do anything that helps me
I seeked help ended up worse
I'm just dont talking
I'm just done with all of the failed attempts
I'm working on myself
Working alone with a journal by my side
Alone with the night light on writing
Headphones on
It's about to be another long one
Up most of the nights crying
Trying to fix up all the lying
For better or for worst
I'm a attempt it all of course
I'm independent
Always have been and always will be
I'm alone

******* for hurting me
******* for making me cry
******* for making me lose it
******* for making me hurt myself
******* for making me turn against my health
Just ******* depression

I'm feeling so cold
Under the covers still alone
No lights on
I still miss home
How am I supposed to take the next step
All I'm filled with is a **** load of regrets
I need a glass of water
I'm a lay back down so I'm not a bother
I'll keep it down
I'm fine

Blood dripping
Blacking out again
Need my fix
Why am I doing this
Haven't got the answer
Ask me how I am doing
I couldn't tell you
Are you okay?
Ask me again if I'm okay
I'm going to ******* lose my ****
But I want to quit
As I'm watching blood spread
I grabbed a lighter and wanted to reheat the blood
I wanted to feel the pain
I want to disappear but I've got priorities

I can write about any topic
I can sit here all day typing short pieces
I can recycle old poems then make them phenomenal

Little did I know,
I catch myself losing some flows
But **** it, this writing session helps a bit
Let me give a image
Picture sitting on a swing at the park
Picture yourself sitting there at a late night
It's about 50 degrees
That amazing breeze
All I can hear is the leaves and the swing
I'm a sit there for hours lettimg my thoughts play
Hopefully tomorrow will be better anyway

"I don't wanna be alone, I don't wanna be alone in the darkness"
Marshall knows me
But on a serious note, what did I do now?
I went to head home, forgot to charge my phone.
Before all of this I was already contemplating self harm
Wanted to take the edge off
But that's a stupid filthy way
I'm beginning to scare myself
I was doing well at telling the truth
But look I'm about to lose
Grabbed a bottle of Jameson
Drank myself silly
Burn and bled
Wanted a dose because I'm ****** in the head
I claim I have no one because I'm still battling all it myself
Physical and verbal appearance isn't enoguh nor doesn't help
I'll be alone crying and singing a lullaby
I may or may need a med
The lights are dead
I'm alone in the darkness wishing i wasn't so ****** up
I hope people will keep their mouths shut
I blacked out and started crying
Called my ex
She is so beautiful but it's over and I need to figure out what to do next
I don't remember last night because I blacked out
**** i blacked out
Blacked out
Hello darkness that didn't take long to see you again
Where a blade and a lighter
Lets set blood on fire
I've got the urge because its a desire
I need to chill
Don't give me a pill
Though I'm curious
Resuscitate me if I overdose
I'm curious
Nah **** that
I'm better and know better than to do that
Get off me darkness
I don't want to remember
darkness speaks
"Grab another drink then"
Fine I will
I really need to stop relying Benzodiazepine to chill
But wait I haven't done that in a long time lets keep it that way
I don't need a pill addiction
But **** me for failing again
Why did i let darkness in
Where did it begin
What's happening
My night is a big blur
I remember hearing her voice here and there then i remember puking
Then i remember trying to walk........
Woke up crying.......
**** I'm sober again
What the **** just happened?

I'm a monster stalking my victims
I received a lot of criticism
This monster love to feed off of adrenaline
It's like fighting a brick wall
Nothing strikes back but you're only hurting yourself
"Tornado meets a valcano"
Well I'm a be fighting the flames while I go in circles
Deteriorate in lava
This monster use to be a liar
Man my now my pants got me fired
This monster would beg and plead
Then catches himself numbed up and made victims bleed
I guess he won't succeed
Just no approval
He was the only one at his funeral
Talk about a killshot
Got hit by a rock
I guess it's gonna be a pillshot
Bam dead
No proper roses beceuse bloods red
I can talk about my past like it was yesterday
But i need to walk forward but i keep fallin in to deep
Need a new shovel it's harder to breathe
I'm always that monster
Please don't cut me off when I'm trying to speak

I'm a monster
Singing dark lullabies
Fighting and arguing with myself
Writing letters to the devil
Quick grab me a shovel
Bout to hit up a funeral
Is this area vacant?
**** it I'm a burry my issues here
Load up on dip and beer
Load up the pick up
Shoveling to deep
Emotions going down beneath
I'm a mental monster
Hey there innocence
This is your funeral
What times the wake?
You about to break!
STOP!
Hey Nel,
Welcome to hell
Your deepest fear came true
Now look at you
Bagged up eyes
Slit up thighs
Whats next burn marks or bruised up knuckes
Don't forget to stay in your own bubble
dictionary
I felt a little defiant
Wanted to stay noncompliant
Contemplaring war
Assertive and coming for more
Got neurotic
Now I'm ready to go to sleeeeep!

I had love once
Man time flew
Call me victor
I had a corpse bride
Because our love slowly dies
Freed the butterflies
Victoria revive me
Oh no wait this is real life now I see
I can pretend
But i can go so far
Forgot wjere i was going
I can be confused and still feel my own abuse
For real though?
Can a heart break ince it's stopped beating
Will love still be breathing who knows
Maybe it's me that should go
Choices
Options
Yet still locked underground
Can't tell if I'm safe and sound

I don't have time to be playing games
Wanna throw hands just come up to my face
I promise I'll show uo and possibly be the last one standing
**** with me I dares ya
Tell me what you're thinking
You'll be the one sinking
By the time I'm done with you I'll go home and start drinking
You're a *****
I'm a man
What's the issue here?
Bet you can't say it to my face because you're probably full of fear
Call me a ****** one more time
I'll come over there and ******* up
You'll be ******* in diapers
Try me again
**** for you is about to be broken

Alcohol
Copenhagen
Marb 100's
Cola
Journal
Seems like that's all I can turn too
Loud music to my ears to take me to a different place
Don't tell me how I feel
I'm ready to write about darkness
Hopefully give someone a spotlight
Thanks to self destruction
I've lost self respect
But I'm a climb up and punch myself in the face
I'm just exhausted
Don't need myself to hate me
I'm a let go because that's just the dark reality

I'm fine when I grab that bottle
I'm fine when I isolate
I'm fine when i think of the old us
I'm fine when I see him at work
I'm fine when I catch old pics
I'm fine when I cry everytime I'm alone
I'm fine when I write down with tears drowning my journal
I'm fine when i think about slitting my thighs
I'm fine when we have a conversation
I'm fine when we argue in pity
I'm fine when i dont sleep
I'm fine when i don't eat
I'm fine when I reach out
I'm fine when i regret reaching out
I'm fine when I wake up knowing she's in a better place
I'm fine when I watch youtube
I'm fine when I put on raising hope
I'm fine when i rewatch everything
I'm fine.

Disappointment
Waste of achievement
Desires
Wishes
Frustration
Irritation
Loss of relation
Agony
Sleepless
Eating-less
Clingy
Selfish
Alone
Depress­ed
Depressed
Depressed
Depressed
Isolating
Regret
Guilt

How many times do I have to feel this feeling
Wanted her to be happier now I'm suffering
Does it feel better?
When will I get a letter?
**** whats the number
I'm in need of help
Wanted to plan a few things
But then I thought of my brothers baby
**** I need to see him been a while lately

I'm floating in chub lake
Drowning myself because of life aches
Handfull of pills
Eye drops because of the cheap thrills
Loss of self respect
Already another regret
Handful please
I'm about to be pillshot
Don't know what I've got
Didn't mean to concern others who aren't truly there
Why should anyone care?
Pettiness everywhere
Not everythings about me I get that
I'm just tough on myself because none of ******* feel that
Try to wake up with my thoughts
Try me
I'm a pillshot myself in this lake
Handfull pilled the trigger
Where's my bottle of jack?
Ready for the "next life"
To hopefully get it all back

Good morning,  goood afternoon,  and goodnight to you darkness
I wrote the note hopefully it won't hurt everyone
I'm pretty close to being done
I swear somedays I'm not okay
But i have to be
A handfull of issues and perhaps something that gets me through
I wish it was that easy
I wrote about suicide in my journal and the pages are increasing
Judgment and darkness is all I'm receiving
I wake up ready to just quit
Grab my journals and drive away from this ****
No matter how far or how fast
I'll never escape the darkside of my past
I wanted to write the note
I wanted to explain to you theres no hope
Wanted to cry but chose a different path
I'm always going to be that regret that no one wants back

Dear siblings of mine,
I wish I was a better brother
Especially towards you viv
You've had it the worst
I always tried to take care of you forst
I've had nightmares about me hirting the hell out of you
**** man I hate myself for what i put you through
Man DJ I've hurt you too and for that I'm sorry
It'll be a bless to get forgiveness
I'm so caught up in agaony I ******* forgot how to be happy especially for others because I'm still selfish
Yaya I wish I could of been there
Especially when you'd call
**** man I'm the worst and all
I'm a bad brother
I wish I can accomplish **** to be better
I'm so disgusted with myself

Hey G-ma,
Sorry you've been through it all
I never thanked you for being a mother and a father
I tried to take care of my siblings but i didn't know how to cook
I did the best i could
Thank you for holding me when i was hurt
Wish you can hold me now and sing to me
I'm crying every day because I'm not ****** talkin
Do you remember when I'd hit the drum and sing for you?
I use to always be so eager to walk woth you to the library
I hated reading but it was an adventure
I miss the way you took care of me back then
Here I am alone and distant just so **** broken.
I never thanked you enough
You've showed true love
If I ever go bye bye without saying bye I'm sorry and I love you with all my heart

Hey Dad,
Sorry I don't call back
Just know I'm here
About to grab a cold beer
It's the aggressive temporary hatred I fear
I wish I wasn't so ****** up
Especially when I turn suicidal
But just know its only for a minute
Hopefully I will be able to quit
Just isn't how I envisioned it
But with this **** I just wanted a little bit
Dad you've been my hero
I wanted to be just like my dad
But then I drowned and lived in the dark past
I'm fine.

Dear mom,
I'm sorry for the way I use to be. Wish you didn't have to see that worst part of me. My ******* made some poor choices lately.
I'm trying to not ghost the family.
I'm just done and depressed lately.
My chest was ripped and stitched
Guess what's open again
I'm running off of no sleep and adrenaline
Wish I can be happy again
I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I love and miss you ma.

I'm feeling so ******
******* and don't want to be here
No more love and snuggles but now I get to look at him everyday at work and it's making me anxious and insecure
I "don't got to prove ****"
Mother **** what do yoh mean?
I'm not going to be classified as a liar for the rest of my life?
You know what **** it you're right
I guess I'm that flaw that wont change
Grab me a blade so I can open another vein
Look at me though
Should I become a ghost
**** the feelings I've got inside
Don't no one feel them so why should I hide?
I'm a be so ******* ****** if the next human being cracks ****** *** jokes
Last ****** that said my name in vain got punched in the face and **** near choked
I'm a pick up my ****** world and drop it on you
Hopefully you'll see what i go through
Honestly no one cares about me
I'm a just do my think and hope someone real appreciates me

Wrote a poem about suicide
Have post pne the piece or atleast separate the part
I'm a feel it later because my feelings been ripped apart.
If y'all were trying to hurt me and my confidence
Well guess what?
That's a mission accomplished.

How much more punishment can one take
Sincerely your thoughts
Welcome to your worst nightmare

****
I'm devastated
I'm depressed
I'm battling a lot of demons
I'm fighting suicide
I just want to go disappear
Tell me more of a disappointment I am
How ugly am I
Just ******* wish i can die
But I'm better then that
I wish I had the old Nel back
Back when I can smile at the ******* storm

Have you ever done anything you instantly regret?
I use to have the world in my hands
Now I'm losing my **** everyday
I'm not even allowed anywhere safe
The dark part of me won't leave because I'm a few steps behind.
I use to rush home to kiss your beautiful smile
Now I'm lost in a dark shadow.

Hello
How's it going?
Things goin well?
Are you still on this planet or you facing hell?
I'm bout to gight the flame
Bout to low key turn on the lights to add a spotlight
I'm patch up the scars from my back
Hit up the bandages to heal up and hopefully get back on track
Without regrets how'd I learn the lesson
***** the council session
I'm a be independent
Hopefully I won't drown so I best pay attention
Little did I know
This low key depression had me else where in a whol different dimension
I'm a still tell others I'm fine
Hopefully hit up the work grind
Add some more hours on my time
I'm just a man who will walk through a storm
But I guess I'm a little crazy but aren't we all
Let the world burn and let the innocence crawl
Wanted the world on my side
But now I'm a hide
Saw the doc yesterday
He told me to go out today
Where to go
What to do
I'm say **** it and be there whenever I can because I wanna pull through

Loss of confidence in myself
Lost in a bad thought
Lost is lack of comfort
Lost communication
Lost myself
Lost but I need mercy
Lost in many ways no one will ever truly understand

The voices in my head are yelling at me to do it
The bad **** crazy is helping me through it
I've got a new motivator
It's drop the planet
Love is dying slowly and no one understands it
I'm exhausted
Barely speaking
**** me for my mistakes
I'm a jump off a cliff and let the dark side help me isolate

Dear sanity,
I'm not much for counselin
My heart keeps my emotions bouncin
But I'm afraid to say I don't trust it
Just not how I roll especially when it collects part of my pacheck
I just need to stop living with regrets
I maybe kind of crazy
Recently i haven't been drinkin lately
But I ran out pills and **** near don't have gas to go back and forth
Didn't sleep much for what its worth
Don't tell me what I need
I promise I'm fine just need to be alone and need to cry
Haven't decided yet if i wanna just leave or have the decency to say good bye
Listen to me when I say I'll be fine
Maybe just need to drink to the edge off maybe have a glass of wine
Ask me again how's it going
I swear to you it'll be the darkside thats showing
I've lost hope on help
Don't give a **** about the comfort i need
The razors and lights help me breathe
But I haven't cut in a while
I'm happy to have it by my side in case it gets to tough
I know others have it more rough
But I'm just in a dark spot
Hoping one day I've got a real shot

Sincerely Nel

Dear Nelson,
You crossed my mind reading some dark post.
You need help and I don't think you should be a ghost.
How's the life treating you?
Any paid time off I believe you need it.
You don't need to be suicidal because you're better that that.
Have you ever noticed your feelings affect others?
Maybe you need to be away for a little while.
Get away from a familiar place.
Come on Nel have some faith.
I really believe you're an amazing man
Not all good people make it and I believe in you.
You shouldn't isolate
Butbi know you cant help it.
Come on Nel reach out please

sincerely your sane thoughts

Everything I'm struggling
But ain't we all?
Here let me tell you about myself...
I'm Nelson Antone Hall Jr.
But you can call me Nel or Nellie.
I'm something not people can understand at times.
I've been abusive and I've lied and cheated my way.
I'm just trying to clean up because of my messed up past.
Guess who changed for that to hit me back.
Sometimes I beg and plead
Then I isolate to go cry and grab a blade to bleed
Look i know I'll be fine "it'll pass"
"You're strong"
Well i am weak
I'm **** near dead inside
Pills don't work
Ranting to a professional don't work
I'm like paralyzed for what it's worth
Hello karma pleasure to meet you
You going to help me follow through?
Suicidal or success
Lets just start of with a couple of regrets
How many times will it take
Am i going to break?
How long before I heal?
This pains just to real.
I'll type and write with tears rolling out of my eyes
I'm a learn
I'm a put a fire towards me to burn
No place to ****** hide
Just lit it up inside
But its okay now
I'm a joke now
Been nothing but a lesson
When will I learn
What about me
Theres just lack of care and somethings not right or comforting
But I'm a ****** walk this world with flames in my hands
**** the haters that step to me
Throw hands at me and let me fall
Because I refuse to be myself

I clean up
I lose it
I fix the issue
Just to build a new fire
Hatred filled me up
Whats happenin?!
Don't push when you can't handle my shove
I'm something different

My sanity went through a massacre
I always put people first
I'm indeed independent and critical against myself
Get me off pills please
Daddy told me I'm alright
I'm a end up again lonely tonight
No more spooning snuggles to cure the insecurities
Wish there was a easier side of me
Did you know I'm a ****** mess?
I'm literally a regret slash threat
You wanna try me let's make a bet
But look I'm fine.
Give me something duel to be more forceful
Time to met these tears shine
I'm losing myself and the past I left behind
Half tempted to become a ****** ghost
***** been hurting especially when i need the help the most
Just can't get the picture to let go
I'm feeling numb and cold
Goodbye now

Where's my mental support
I'm really hurt
Let me grab my coat
With this I'm hoping to cope
Let the memories rest in piece
I can't believe this happened to me
No more dates
No more escapes
Now I'm lost in anxiety
**** this reality

Wait you're scared of me?
I'm not that suicidal man this is embarrassing
I mean I can commit to the pain
It's complicated but I swear I'm sane
I would put a blade to my skin
Grab a lighter to burn to burn it open
Man that's ******* up I know
Doctor visits? Hell no!
I've been arguing with help and I'm kind of an ***
I don't want help no more because I find myself detached
Give me a good reason like for real
This ***** something different
How am I doing?
Well to be honest I'm a ******* lie about me doing well
I'm honestly in mental hell
But who wants to ******* listen to me
Or deal woth me being petty
For reality I'm not really ready

Wanted to sleep but I can't
Off my pills again where do I stand?
I'm not able to go the extra mile
I'm a isolate behind music for a little while
It's isn't fair I've lost everything countless times
**** to be honest I don't even know what's mine
My mother and father can't even find a home neither
I'm definitely a under achiever slash women beater!
Oh hey Nel don't forget you're also a liar and a cheater
No wonder you were never happy
You can't even make another soul love you  for who you are
You just ripped **** apart
My siblings don't even speak to me
That's because we're all apart
Shut the **** up Nel
There are people who'd be lucky to get a greeting
Especially from their sibling
I'm not perfect
I'm not worth it
I'm a regret
That's why love up and left
Alone in the dark
With my skin slowly splitting apart

I've got a few things on my mind
Been a repeating cycle this whole time
I've got a lost interest with hope
Somedays I can't deal so I pack a lip with cope
I'm smoking marbs again
Hundreds full flavor
Anxious again but this time I'm filled with anger
One night I'm fine
Tonight I want some wine
Wish somethings would of stayed mine
I'm clueless and can't help to judge myself
I'm forgetting to take care of my health
Where you at Nel?
Hey yo, leave me alone
You are failing Nel!
Nah homie I'm out fighting the past.
Guarantee you'll lose but I can last
Don't talk **** Nel!
Bro you don't know me
You only know my history
Thats cool history lessons only get you so far
But Nel I understand who you are
You've ****** **** up
Where's your love?
Man *******
I'm a mess but some how I'll magically pull through
Hey Nel I dare you to isolate
Take another pill and let your mental health deteriorate

Wish I had someone to care for me
In bed cold and sick with no one to see
Struggling to be happy
But she's lost her love
He's a wreck
Sleepless
Distress
No love ;(

I need someone really close
I'm feeling alone
Can somebody please hold me
I can't shake this feeling
Let my anxiety feed
Hopefully I'll be pain free
I need something to hold me off
I'm about to break wheres the lock
I miss being happy
I remember it like it was yesterday
Back when I felt safe