Someday I write something then read it to get someone's back. It'll be motivation and hopefully they'll agree with that. Help them get back on track. Remind them a little help wouldn't be so bad. Hit up my phone just to chat.
You ever cringe at judgmental people? I do all the time. I cringe til my my teeth hurt from the grind. But i breathe and give it time. One day peace will be mine.
I'm always attempting to put away the frown.  But gay jokes and fat jokes brought me down. I brush it off because one day that'll expire. But feelings don't go out of stock so now my eyes start a fire. Eye for an eye, but a notch worse. I'm a put my thoughts to work.
Everyday was a struggle, I look up a rush forward to forget where I was going. Out of breath because I was anxious. Physically I get dangerous.
I'm starting to lose my mind again. Refuse to stay open. Trying to not be so broken. Here we go again. Fights on and i refuse to go down before I start swinging. Then the laughs and tuants have my ears ringing. Shut up butch I'm trying here. ***** it i need a break grab me a beer.
I look in the mirror and see a regret. Shattered it and realized mirrors don't lie so I picked up what's left. I realize the people who dislike me doesn't dislike me as much as I don't like myself. ***** the mental health. I'm fight it and raise hell. Fallen angel? Probably not. Why do I write? I don't know i forgot. Wanted to end me, suffering with anxiety. Great I'm like the rest of the population. What a pity situation. People go through worse. So I punch these walls to watch blood drip on the dirt. What is this worth?
Wanted to end it by screaming **** this world. Then stomach turned for me to hurl. Like a clam I'll patiently wait to be as pure as a pearl. Time will eventually give me my world.
For now this depression demands its debt to be felt. Getting baggy and heavy so I grab me a belt. All that to keep walking. But pain is restalking. Non of it is no longer shocking. If you look at my writing and typed up poetry on this account you'll see my tough love. Well atleast the start of it. But it haunts me so i rant write about it.

Ashes fly, gazed up to the sky. Real homies by my side. No cops here but ready to hide. Alcohol by me, buzzing til morning. Everyone is building the tolerance. Wait til we hit up the club. We'll drink til the sun comes up.

On my story, in my moments of immaturity. I get called out for stupidity. Just a young man having fun. Beats music videos of overplayed songs. We're all here for a distraction. No need to complain to get a reaction. This is amusing to me, just let me be.

I've attempted dating, all these matches are just girls faking. I lied and said I don't believe ghost. But little did I know they disappeared. I went home to crack a beer. Dating sites are not worthy due to fakes and premium hoes. where does the right one glow?
so I've had some conversations, got left in read or got randomly blocked. I guess they didn't like what they saw when they stalked. My ex found a relationship right away, a ring already and she begged him to stay. I'm here losing weight. attempting to be great.
I've lost the motivation to be honest. No one deserves me, I'm trying to be happy. Now I'm paying for sites just to be back at square one. Dating has been a a bad attempt so I'm done.

run it up to me, we out here about to drink. let our minds shrink. let the slur start talking. snapchat blowing up on our stories to have views stalking.
we're letting go, chilling by the fire before it gets cold. weekly tunes, about ready to bust a move.

She had me gazing upon her beauty. Had to message her because she's the cutie. Heart racing everything I got a new message. Hello darling how are you today? You're something real that made my day. Would you like to hang soon? I'll drive over and we can hang and get to know one another. That smile with the gaze in your eyes. Had me lose myself and I glance upon the skies. All because I see a fallen angel. Hello beautiful you're flawless in every angle.

I woke having to drive to Brainerd to pick up my best friend Nic. His ride blew him off last night and he had to stay there for the night but I went to pick him up. Yesterday was a good day until my other best friends family resented me for living with them. My dad needed me and I was there. But the family needed me here. It's just a mental conflict. I came home last night and did whatever I needed to. I feel bad that I wasn't there when they needed me. Now I am just going to do whatever I can and just let whatever happens, happen. So on the way to Brainerd all my stress stopped for a minute. The trees were so beautiful and it took life away. I drove in silence but it was the good kind of silence. I couldn't even find myself sad because the view brought warmth to my heart. The smell of cut grass, the smell of fire wood. The leaves changing colors. The weather chill but perfect. I only found myself crying once and that was because I can't help it. As soon as kept going the view got prettier and it cheered me up. Once I got Nic, we headed back home, we tried getting McDonald's but they were all so busy. So we went to McGregors bar n grill to eat breakfast. 3 pancakes, 3 bacon, toast, coffee and cranberry juice. He had French toast, white bread toast, and sausage links with orange juice. I was so full but the food was so good. It was a good moment. I brought him home so he can sleep, I secretly paid his bill as well. Shhhhhh don't tell him :p
I got home and updated my new cellphone and just about passed out. It is hard to stay awake, I am so tired. A girl I know keeps begging me for money or at least build a private room for her. I cringe because I feel like she don't even want to be my friend but it is hard to give her a piece of my mind because I don't want another conflict. What is it with these girls I once knew becoming a private gallery type of girl. Most of them have only fans and premium snap chat. kind of makes me upset because every time I lay a compliment or attempt to reach out I'm either harassing or coming on to strong. I am just ready to save money and make sure I commit to the boys. They are my family, we look out for each other that is what we do. I refuse to let them down.

Attention lacks, blank selfies fills my snaps. Notifications about to go off. Creativity is rare, real talk is no longer there.
Stories filled with music videos, or hypocritical drama. Or the ones whom add you but leave you on read. All though the stories they have are like a hour long. Where has snapchat gone wrong? Then comes the people that come talking to you with they're issues. All of the sudden they miss you! I sit and attempt to entertain snapchat, then I get boring responses. Is there even a point in adding me I don't know. I should probably go back to ghost mode. Maybe that's why snapchat has a ghost mascot. We snap then pretend we forgot. Then I get the same selfie that's already on the story. So creative right?

Crystal clear, fame no where near. But I don't care about that I search for relationships. My personal favorite is when everyone can understand and show support so I don't feel alone. Darkness divided my insides out. Destruction destroyed me and my doubts. Pure distance from trust. With this Crystal I shall attempt to see clearly because I'm afraid to bust.

As long as if i don't suffer any more pain, I know in the longer run I'll be okay. Not like everyone will be the same. Just always a new wave. Rounds after another one, I pour some then I'm done. Lost too much before, had to start all over. Don't want this on anyone else.

I'm mentaly feeling the pain, wrong motivation drives me insane. I look at myself and see failures. No ones hates me as much as I hate myself. Always joking, sinking potential so I'm not floating. I plead, try to succeed, tempted to bleed, why is this happening to me? Felt so ugly, leave me be.
The world goes against me. I've lost confidence but gained the weight. I'm told it's never too late. But mentally I break.

Every one knows me, we're all attempting to be happy. Take the judgments away because I guarantee I'll be scrapping. Happens so fast you wouldn't know what's happening. Woke up ready for a drink, fell asleep with a drink. Alcoholics need a drink, well i have a drink. I'm supposed to please everyone?
(The ****) well I with the Hollar Boys and don't have time to be frowned upon. Drink the keg and cases til it's gone. Music loud, keg stands and laughing out loud. Ain't know one here playing with me, I'm real and got more faces to see. We're all buzzin, drinking by the keg by the dozen. Have we met before? Nah lil homie thats fake don't show anymore.

I pull up with drinks, miss the way I use to feel. Independently I'm a deal. I miss the touch, miss snuggles too much. Miss the way I would secure that comfort, compliments with a flirt.  Wouldn't let them drown upon the shore, palms up waving hoping it wouldn't happen any more. I know I can do it Independently but I don't want to. Miss the love climbing up for the view. Now I pry myself asking me what do I do! Someone save me, it's not ever "meant to be"

Headphones on and I'm putting it on shuffle, some songs helping me through some trouble. Playlist increases as I sing to myself. Therapeutic no need for help. Headphones through a workout, through a uncomfortable crowd. I lip sing because this is nice and loud. The best feeling as goosebumps crawl in my skin. Like a mental live performance on my life in these songs, what can really go wrong?

Laying in a field of dandelions, buzzin like a bee. Phones off leave me be. No one I want to see. Out here in the peace, ready to think. Ready for a late night breeze.
All I can do is watch the sky darken.

Memories taking control of how I think, I'm having difficulties making a decision. There's comfort with these tears creeping down my face. Use to go to bed paranoid because I never had my own place. I guess you can call it homelessness, I always felt so homeless. Depression my number one rival. I'm fight for survival. Threw me enemies like doubt and anger. Regrets filled me with anxiety now I'm a one man army.
These insecurities won't leave me alone, I'm laying down screaming to my health! After I settle down I began counting my flaws, how could I have done this to myself?
Has anyone cried in the car with the music loud, get out and play it off? Act like everything's okay. Please tell me I'm not the only one! With this survival I'm barely holding on. Rivalry has me paranoid all the time! Give me peace because I'd like that to be mine.
Why do I have to battle the rival?
This feels so awful!
I've been the one to sit in a corner letting the silence numb my hearing. Disappointment is something Everyone's fearing.
Drop some pills or some alcohol and chill out. We're in a igloo chilling. Alcohol consumption and insecurities consuming!
How about we have a meeting and just talk about it, about to take a minute for the speech. We're all struggling and on a search for some peace.

Summers filled with fires and cold beverages,
Sitting next to the heat laughing and singing songs. Hoodie and jeans to keep the mosquitoes bite less. Sky filled with beauty might lay here and rest. Summer songs got my attention tonight, love that everyone is pretty chill it just feels so right.
Stories shared, surrounded by people who care. This is unforgettable, tonight ain't so terrible.

In the light of the you, Darkened the light of you. Paralyzed me! Eyes drowning, But I didn't have you I found me.
Every flower died! Just like my eyes it all dried. I've fallen but I picked myself up,
The guts spilling my instincts. Watching everything sink. No life jacket just me alone shredding to shore. Alcohol flooding my lungs so I got up for more. I'm doing just fine now. I've fallen with the right crowd. Global crisis never left my world. But I continue to rotate this time with no girl. What else do I need to say? I've always found away. Wouldn't mess up again. I think I was more broken. But now my veins stay closed with my heart open.

eyes blood shot, happiness is something long forgot. Always losing train of thought. Pills in one hand, alcohol in the other. Razors by my side, depression winning and taking over. Why is it impossible to stay sober. I dreamt of love and woke up broken. Pillshot returned and half tempted to split these veins open.
I've got pills for days, emotionally confused by these waves. Shredding the shore, no life support. Floating but yet still drowning. Pills flooding my throat, liquor making new waves. I swear there isn't a vacation away from the dark. Just dimness surrounding the world. Options limited, wished for the best and got the worse. Suffocating slowly as the love deteriorate. Pill the trigger and poor me a shot.

He's writes out his feelings realizes the empty holes in his chest. Working for improvement when really it's another distraction to keep busy. Forgets to keep a conversation, what a blank situation. How many likes before I realize I'm more me, is this ugly? Had some dreams thinking it was real and felt at peace. Woke up and felt so lonely. No one by my side, just a false hope. Always so broke.
One day I'll get there. Will someone actually be there? Need some love, need something real. Get me to the top I climb slowly. I know I can make it without help but I prefer company.