Nellie 55

Nellie 55 Dec 2022

With the amount of regret
The amount of guilt
The amount of impulse
All the lies, truth, cries, screams, fails, success, depression, anger, silence, violence, hell even LOVE!
Took a lot of battles and I'd given innocence trauma scars.... just to learn how to be more gentle. I've learned to appreciate more, but my walls will be twice as strong. I'm pretty good and understanding the misunderstood. But it's a shame that I misunderstood the ones who've **** near killed my kindness.

Nellie 55 Nov 2022

💔

Voice wasn't loud enough, I'm going to have to remember you and us longer than your existence. With my feelings there has been a disturbance. So close to asking the doc for a substance. I'm not sleeping, I'm hardly eating, but hey atleast my hearts still beating. But depression feeds off my tears for your smile. I don't think I can ever smile the way you made me smile. My mama told me to be careful and to be safe. Her honesty shocked me.... do I really give off the suicidal vibes? I've even been told my smile was just as broken as my heart is. Ever since then it's been a lot easier to isolate. Here's the real question.... do I need help? No that's not it.... who's willing to stay?

Nellie 55 Nov 2022

Sober

Darling you're not okay, you avoid me all day. You're trying your best, but you avoid rest. Now your veins are filled with regret. Babe you just need help being sober. Life isn't over. If I can survive so can you. I'll help you through. We only got ourselves to lose. The real ones stay, their words not mine but it's part of dark and gray. I'll be there for you everyday. Help you avoid another wave. Like a hand saying goodbye I'll be the first to greet you. That's just what I'd do. You've got a lot to lose. Your life matters and it also matters to me. You're not losing me, thats not whats meant to be. Darling I'll stay with you through your fix, I'll fight til you're sober. Your life isn't over. I cross my heart and hope to die. But this reality and pain don't lie. We fight to survive! But babe you'll be alright. I'll be here for you life and the afterlife. Darling it won't be alright, but you'll do just fine. Pain demands to be felt. But for you I'll be your stitches, I'll fight off the temptations to be dead in ditches. Just like the world turning in you, I'll rotate nothing more than love. Hey love, you're more than enough.

Nellie 55 Nov 2022

Back pocket

I can't find anyone or anything so close to me. As cliche as it sounds I still find love for the weirdest things, you don't need perfection to feel at home. A blanket, I sound, motivation to seek change, and even a adventure. People will come in and out of your life and that's okay. The must go on. No reruns, no returns, no going in circles. But I've learned that love has a life lesson. Love can be everywhere and you find yourself falling all the time. Maybe that's why I love Autumn so much. It's the beautiful colors to remind myself that I'm a colorful person like the rest of the fewer ones that are just as colorful as me. Until then I will always leave a porch light in my heart for the ones that are homesick because you have to have a little home in your back pocket.

Nellie 55 Oct 2022

💔💔💔💔💔

They tell me they care. They have the time, love, and a emotional support for them to be there. I'm not prepared. I'm numb and I don't belong anywhere. Her love haunts me, I wish I can talk to her even in her after life. But she's supposed to be at peace. I wish I can join her but suicide is just not me. I cry, I hurt, and I'm ******* lonely. I wish she can hold me. The amount of time we spent on the phone. Hand written letters from home. Now I can't cope with out feeling alone. Darling will you give me a sign? Or some sort of message? I told you I was home safe, but I didn't know my home was broken into. Hard to believe I lost all of you. Hey sweetheart, just remember in my heart, our home..... my porch light will always be on for you. Come home safe I love you

Nellie 55 Oct 2022

Cupcake,

Hard to believe you're gone. There was so many plans we had together! You're always going to be my baby girl. ALWAYS!
TOO THE MOON AND BACK BABY! I'll always be yours. Remember when you said you wish I was there to save you? I definitely do. Kills me to know there was not a chance given to me to talk to you again. Now I'll lay in bed hoping I can hear our song and hear your voice. We'd talk for hours. Our weekends was the best weekends ever. With each second I've spent, I wish there was a refund to re-live those seconds again. You had the smile to cure my tears, and now it hurts so much I can't help to cry. I love you sweetheart.
Yours always,
Bel

P.S I'll leave on the porch you for you so you remember where to find home

Nellie 55 Oct 2022

Yours and the day after

My dearest siblings I know you miss our dad
Don't think of me as damaged because we all are but I'll always have your back.
Grandma we miss you too
Hardest time around the corner because we lost two
You and dad
I wish time would rewind so I can hug you tighter
As the love lingers in the air
I find myself hyperventilating
A bit out of control and now I'm grieving
I guess that's why my schedule changes.....
I work late, once I'm alone I've got this ache
Hard to believe I'll celebrate my birthdays with out you pops.
We always shared the two days...
Yours and the day after.