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Nellie 55 Nov 2020
I'm no toy so you best quit playing
Games over!
Understand what I'm saying?
Need A clover?
Even then your luck will run out
Might as well start praying because you're about to gain more doubt
I'll walk away because this was easy I'm out
Homie said you're talking but I haven't heard you speak
Nothing to back up because you haven't study your history
Only A cheat but even then you don't have game
About to put you to shame
By the time I'm done I'll disgust you because you're thoughts don't meant ****
Addict to dissing you but I need to quit
Here's A dictionary and A history book go study
Either way when you step up things will get ugly
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
IDC
I just don't care,tears evaporate in the air. I'm A punch out, put enough time now my heads in the clouds. Storms & lightning flashing. Hungry so I'm door dashing. But lost appetite I don't need to make A flyer. Just climbing for the views so I'm A get higher. My brain storms intense but yet can't keep a thought. I think of some good but I forgot. Now times ticking but I avoid glancing at the clock. I've been told I got potential. In all honesty it started off with A pencil. I doodled on pages. But mama's homie told her im just searching for changes.that idiot said they're just phases. I just about lost my mind. I tell myself keep writing things will take time. Wish I would of been able to rewind. So I can replay my flaws to keep the success to shine. This moment will be forever mine. Page after page. Now I'm awake. Never meant to snooze now I'm A stay woke. Wish I never struggle being broke. I can only hope. Picking A field full of wishies put my sanity out of control. But I don't care what anyone thinks, working on me, this is my personality, who else is trying to be happy. If I don't have anyone to love atleast I have me. I'm not even sickening. I'm just always over thinking. I break because **** gets overwhelming. Cleaning out my truck to sleep, cup of noodles to eat, hot tea to drink. Below zero outside but I learned how to chill and sleep. I don't care because I'll always have me.
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
I'm in bed because I feel so lost
Frozen with depression I need to defrost
Putting all my locations to ghost mode
Contemplation began to haunt me but I didn't know where to go
At this point nothing astonished me
I began to hate me
Some of my past relationships ridiculed my personality
Now I'm appalled to improve
But this depression paralyzed me and I couldn't move
Why am I 25 and still lonely
I barely trust a homie
Love is just inadequate
Surviving the cold is just a part of it
I guess fighting with fire and ice is still at war
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
She deserves better than that
Not like he actually has her back
He's always making her feel bad
But now all the sudden its the best relationship I've ever had
I completely disagree with that
Tracks her phone
She don't even feel safe alone
All that is so wrong
She can't view his because he'll have a behavior
Than she ends up collecting debt with favors
I'm sorry for the way I have to be firm
I've been guilty and the victim of that situation I know what I've learned
**** hurts and burns
But if I ever hear anything I hate I'm a show up and put that ****** in place
Lost you once and would rather have you be angry with me
He isn't making you happy
Just upset and depression filled with anxiety
Not including the paranoia
But continues to ignore ya
Not gonna lie I want to get up in his face and destroy him with my words because he's weak and wouldn't step up to me
He'll probably hide then continue harrasing you on the low key
Now I'm stuck here having to listen to you hurting and my knowledge and judgment for you never was working
Just kept worsening
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
I wouldn't ever want to talk about it
Part of keeping to myself is saying nothing
But while others go through therapy
I was out in the cold finding temporary comfort because no will will be around permanently
Doesn't mean it's a bad thing, just stronger will power to walk away
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
Started walking,Not even talking
Been a rough patch, But I commit to myself and watch my own back
Always caused issues, too much loss of trust
Everyone I loved was a bust
Was afraid of getting close
But this is the path I chose
Wanted to keep a distance
Life is colorful judging by the pigment
Then got complicated and got different
Got my backpack and a duffle bag thats all the home I need
By a fire or in my front seat, Back then I was lucky to eat
Scratching my head hoping for a warm place to sleep
But refuse to reach out so I search for a good tree
A tarp and hoodies for me
Needed some comfort so I bust out a journal to write
Cried myself to sleep but eventually I felt alright
The silence was evil but spoke the truth
I stopped complaining then started searching result from the youth
But then felt used
I promise to never open again
Feels like I never belonged to the so called place heaven, I'm insecure agaian!
But mama told me to keep a little bit of home in my back pocket, got my heart on locked down so I'm a lock it
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
Never mattered what they say about me
Just tell me why they were comfortable with you saying ****** up **** about me
Does it make you happy?
That you didn't stick up for me
I maybe gullible sometimes but I will trust my gut feeling
Especially when my chest starts rapidly beating
Everyone's poor do to that reality check
Living bills is expensive but thats something I pay with respect
Always on the search for a change
But my common cents are sporadically all over the place
Looking all over the place to find 58 cents for a cup of Ramen to eat
Now I'm under a roof finally able to sleep
Don't agree with me when you've had it more safe
I'm just on my own most of the time
Slaving myself to make light
But I'm stronger then I look and refuse to go down without a fight
How was I a fallen angel when I'm comfortable alone I  the dark,
Doesn't make sense to me while success happens to others as I fall apart
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