sometimes I want discipline
sometimes I want affection
sometimes I crave structure
sometimes I crave pleasure
sometimes I need isolation
sometimes I need protection

sometimes..

I want to be yours
sometimes I don't

terrible at making decisions
making choices
is something I can
but cannot do
I really can't

I sound like a player
but I'm really not
I just love too much

I love multiple people
which causes trouble
and creates chaos
my feelings run havoc
as I'm busy
trying to deny it

i abandoned god before he abandoned me.
his scornful eyes cast down
and furrowed brow of contempt
as i walked out of the pearly gates
into the unknown darkness.
he did not lift a finger nor called out the name
of this beloved child of christ.
purged in water and marked by oil
formed the shackles on my wrists and ankles.
lifeless words from a glorified book
empty prayers from empty hearts and thick tongues.
infinite petitions laid on deaf ears.
the throne is too high for him to hear you.

i expelled the devil from my soul
tried to cut him free
but little did i know, with each saw of the blade
he possessed more of me.
setting fire through my veins
oppressing my senses
i could taste the emptiness
hear the falsities
feel pure and utter hatred
see nothing but bitterness
in this disgusting, infested world.
he whispers in my ear and forces his way into my mind
he becomes me.
when i look into a mirror
he is staring back at me.

i closed my eyes before night fell
and the darkness crept in.
before the monsters crawled out from under beds
and the nightmares took their stage.
i couldn't escape them
there was nowhere to hide.
because my monsters live inside.

i beat death to the punch.
opened the door before he knocked.
one, two, three, sixteen
blue little fairies waiting to guide me home.
he cradled me as i drifted off the final time.
my tired eyes and my tired body
finally laid to rest.
i found no comfort in his embrace
nor in his false promises.
there is no place for me to return to.
my home is not some holy kingdom
that i was promised at such an early age.
there is nothing for me there
yet, nothing will make due.

E,

  i don't know if this is a letter or a rant or just a bunch of mixed up thoughts that i've been keeping in my head for far too long - so i'm just going to ramble for a bit. i firstly want to say, i would have loved you so well, and for a while that fact haunted me to the point i lost sleep and the desire to eat. i'm better now. i'm better than i've been in a long time. and i don't blame you even a little bit for all the things i chose to do to by my own hands. but for a really long time, i was angry at you for leaving me. that's as simply as i can possibly put it. just, angry. so angry. you came out of nowhere - and swept me up into the most intense whirlwind of emotions i had ever experienced in my nineteen years of life - and then, just as swiftly as you entered in, you departed, leaving me with not much more than feeble lines like, "it's for the best" and "i'm so sorry". i was very angry, and even more so confused. i think the problem was that you thought i would fix you or complete you or give you a purpose or something - i don't know. maybe none of that's correct. like i said, i don't know. (there are lots of things i think, but few i know).

  you nearly loved me (i say nearly because we never quite got that far). i seemed to be your answer; or some kind of beacon that maybe you thought could be a guide. but the moment my cracks started to show, i think it scared you. i don't think you had ever loved a sad girl. or maybe you loved a sad girl and she hurt you. (i don't know). all i know is that i tried to talk about the train, and you told me no. i wanted to tell you about the things in my head and what they wanted me to do, but as soon as i tried, i was met with, "don't be stupid." i understand that you didn't. as much as it hurt. i think what made me angriest was your initial reassurance that you were different and you were staying. i knew better than to put faith in promises formed by hands of human flesh, but i had a lot of hope. so like i said, i don't blame you. and i've grown a lot since that time. i'm learning more about myself every day, and it's easier now to keep my head above the waves.  i do not resent you for your inability to stay.

  i think that if i had tried to write this all those months ago when my wounds were still fresh, i wouldn't have been as composed as i like to think i'm being now. i'm actually sitting here, as i type, thinking how ridiculous i'll feel if this entire thing is off and i've misread it all. but anyway, this isn't necessarily something i need you to read. but should you choose to, or maybe someday stumble across it, i hope that you understand. and i hope life treats you well.

warmth,
- m.f.