i did not shower today,
for i still feel the last few slips of heat
from your throat.
i did not shower today,
for the thought of you squirming
inside, makes me shiver.
i did not shower today,
for your teeth are eating my
collarbone. it looks like a lovely birthmark.
i did not shower today,
for washing you off would be lonely
and idiotic.
i did not shower today,
because i know your scent will be
trapped in my hair
and at some point in the middle of the
night, i will wake up, and forget, that
you are not here.

This situation reminds of two things,
The first thing being, black lilies.
Sad like a funeral.
Making tears run like waterfalls.
And memories hit me like a tidal wave.

The second being,
Diamonds.

For that is what you were to me,
You lit up my whole life.
Made me forget about day to day life.
And the worries that came with it.
But, we grew apart.

Or, I did.
I don't really know.

Either way, I want you to know,
That you were the diamonds in my life.
Diamonds, next to a bunch of fools gold.
But no matter what we used to be,
I think it's better, we stay apart.

you carried me home,
again,
I am inebriated on the cheapest liqueur,
you've done this before,
you've held me,
and if we had to walk you made sure,
you walked on the outside
you know me,
and my tendency to conduct
traffic in the middle of the street,

if we drove,
you,
made patterns on my back,
smoothing out my dress,
or collecting all that I have taken off,
like a jaded version of Hansel and Gretel,
you are always picking up the pieces of the crumbs i dropped,
you forever in the friend zone,
and I am continually putting on and taking off,
creating intricate dances for strangers,

and you catch me when I fall,
I am forever falling,
wandering the woods looking for danger,
or maybe just another way out,
I speak to witches,
you pray to Jesus,
I used to call him mine.
and you hold my hand,
when I began another round,
of self infliction,
another bout of self destruction,
you stay my sword,
swords that nick my wrists,
that have found home in obscure location
but can be found in any provocation.

you stay my hands,
allowing me to yell and scream,
allowing me my anger,
you know it's just misplaced,
and I am just struggling to deal,

I recreate wounds that never showed up,
play house with the demons,
as they remind me I have been beaten,
with the words of an abuser,
I felt the tainted touch of emotional vice.

but you follow me,
lovingly,
consistently,
like a chain wrapped rigid around your heart,
and I feel in foggy delay,
so intoxicated with the ghosts of things that fester,
you are the only one who keeps me safe.

And I have loved you, even when it seemed like I didn't notice,
I know you hold my hair when porcelain tattoos my skin
and I am making love to tiles on the floor.

and with any and all parts of me that are good,
they have lived and survived because of you,
living in the wasteland you have become my sun.

your grace and love carry me,
though I am not as strong yet to live for them,

you have shown unmeasurable kindness,
to me,
and my knight to beat back my darkness,
I may not say it,
I should just say it,

*I love you.Forever and always.

I think I ought to let you know
Hello goodbye means nothing now.
I think I shan’t, I dare not die
For you in my soul forever lie.

I feel afraid, lest my heart be gone
For I not one soldier hold near me close.
I feel as if, as if you will come
Be my saviour, my prince, my only one

Who will be there to comfort me so,
In times of need, when needs do grow.
So let it be known, that known is this
I want you near, to feel your tender kiss.

I know not love but serve me well.
Bear with my ways and I will still
Surrender, if surrender is asked of me.
For I know thou shall not forget me.

You may move on and I allow,
For you deserve to wear a smile.
Be content as I think of thee
While I float above alone and free.

And when time comes for me to go,
Your sorrows will pass, I’ll make sure so.
Only I will’t cry for I believe
That our life was worthwhile, though short and sweet.

Sweet heart forever, I’ll be close to thee
For it was you, your troubles, that set me free .
But feel no guilt for life is such,
The unexpected comes and the unexpected hurts.

I knew you well as you did I
We ran through woods, kissed butterflies.
The photographs will fade one day
But be sure, so sure,
My love shan’t die.