i think i can only juggle [x] many bad habits at once
only come within [x] feet of the edge of self-destruction
drop one [ex], swap it out with another {puff}
meditate in the morning,
cry & scream in the afternoon,
sigh in the evening.

>>>bits of wax seal on my floor
time to seal all that up again.

and as for you, M
are you the crazy one,
or is it all in my head?<<<

after your heart is torn open
they say to not let yourself harden.
i thought I was doing my **** best,
but maybe I'm just bitter
for not getting what i wanted.

i like to think i can take things
preface and limit-free
but i'm starting to realize one "wrong" thing
can change the course of my whole being

this brain's got me feeling like "i'm out to lunch"
"lost my marbles"
[want to get] "out of my mind"

wrong day to misplace my sunglasses
(they even let crying become incognito)
heavy heart all the way home
can't wait yet dreading the mailbox
(it isn't empty)
sometimes mail gets lost between the pages of a circular
so i violently shuffled each page to the floor
(to no avail)
no bittersweet white envelope to appear
and in this ****** time i realized
i hadn't had a cigarette in almost a day
usually "the right time" points to when things are good
i think the right time to quit might be now
when so many things
feel at their
worst.
so far so good
(32 hours)
how bout quitting you next?

who needs 7 hours when you can sleep for 12
why go to the gym when you're carrying a cinderblock in your chest
if i keep eating all this salt maybe it'll absorb all my tears

as much as you think you value [people]
the trap door to deep appreciation only seems to open once they're gone

my mentor says,
"I'm so proud of you. Everything that happened this summer was such a catalyst for you"
I reply,
"Yes, piano's never been better. My personal life is in shambles, but hey..."
she laughs and says,
"Sometimes our lives mirror our music...or the opposite. But don't let that go on for too long..."

the only way out is through

if i didn't know better,
i'd think i had two sets of lungs-
my heart is screaming for you.

"it's crazy how much aesthetics affect your wellbeing"
well, being
as we reconvened in the same place that ignited the spark
of course it was gonna feel good again
and being, well
back in the place where love was our life
of course i'm going to miss you

the time for irrational excuses has run out
i feel stuck in an hourglass that, while surely moving,
its direction and what [who] it's covering is indetectable
asking far too many questions and finding too few answers
is this a delusion?
do you miss him or the ease?
forgive or not?
where to draw a line?
what the **** are you doing??

the truth sets you free, baby
beyond all the shortcomings
you miss sweet, reciprocated bliss.

because of
our easiness
the warmth
hair
tan on ivory
the smoke
leg quivers
satisfaction and relief
big round nails
no rules
the exact angle i wouldn't trade for the world

i know it's good

like a brick hurdling through a wall of fog
i will never forget that phone call
it took less than a nanosecond to react
a steinway deluged with my tears
the beginning of a ride i would have put off forever.

like lightning radiating through a mundane darkness
i will never forget that spark
it took less than a nanosecond to react
a stodart consumed with my focus
a beautiful ride i thought i'd lost forever.

Forever

fleeting?

I lost you here.

But here you reappeared
Stronger from absence
Compassion without sense
Somehow this was the best way to break the waiting

Two old men
with the deepest understanding of me
Never to meet
Maybe better in dreams
But in the end, a more complete me
Always trusting feelings instead of how it seems