it's easy to be selfless
until you find you've been selfish
exalted til you're looking up from the dirt
bold til your fears are looking back at you
(and having a good laugh in doing so)
an unquestionably great lover
while really, a pain in the ***
a model flower of the family in a field so removed
until you turn around to see you're as strong-willed a branch
grown on the same tree.

the way it works right now
the answer
you beat me, i made it though
this way?
do it! do it!
if i get better than you, i'm gonna beat your ***
***** WHAT
AY
that's how i feel
oh i said
too
so hard to be
oppress
you know
get it
yeah
who are you to say that
dead ***
guiding
can't
same concept

how long have i been sitting here
just came out of a fog
minutes and hours and years///Dear girl you are so desperately trying to force something out for what, validation? and for what validation? don't you know by now that it's not to serve yourself but serve the Universe
     well yes that's why i took 30 minutes to sit and notate it Keep my fake shades on like the artificial front that they are to shield "me" from a reality check black chic loner with cold tired feet flick some ash onto the curb you feel good when you get it on the first try isn't that everything in your life?...you just said this morning you're coming back to life yet I'm still right here and you lay before me struggling to escape my sweet suffocating deprecating embrace. run from the only things that ever made so much sense in your life, keep inviting fallacies and waiting for him to finally lose his love for you, how when you've found two of the biggest answers you've ever been searching for can you be manipulated into honoring an evil side? you can't possibly still be 80% water at least 30% smoke 20% weakness 10% greed 9% rules 6% haste 4% waste 3.1% not giving yourself credit and just a little bit left over for all the big dreams that wilt in the darkness of your head guess they don't care to know too badly how the sunshine feels

it's easy to forget
if you let your guard down just for one second,
all of your lifetime's supply of ******* manages to surface
and before you realize what's happening you're too far down the hole

spend so much time trying to match time's pace
denounce analyzing the past until
the tears are pouring down your face

are the feelings irrelevant then? did you just let your guard down for too long and get caught up in a fleeting emotion,
or are they a literal cry for help

dig into this twisted tangled psyche and help undo these knots maybe that's all life stories and bad habits are, knots that keep getting tighter every time you forget to pay attention.
the ***** trick is:
speed of light is a joke to speed of tight
but the forgotten secret
is that *they can be undone at any time

obsessing over *******
just quit
"just sing it"
all you've got is a piercing tone?
think you can make it with that alone?
rough around the edges
only to guard [nothing]
black, hollow space
trick yourself into thinking
you're rising above
instead
of
sinking
at your core, nothing more than-

well, ****
if you're going to let M(e)[go] rule you,
why stop doing what {we} used to do?
superiority was top priority
your only authority!
how i fooled you
and others, too
where kindness makes you cringe
and your own is just a
fleeting twinge
where you praise your sins
and darkness wins

out of control
and giving in

"Love is patient,
love is kind
and is not jealous"
>>>why is jealousy now an easy frame of
mind
my own ******* business<<<
past is past
don't let these fleeting feelings be the only thing that
lasts

firsts

this is no introduction to a new kind of
hurt.

"love is not provoked,
does not take into account a wrong suffered"
the fight to be rational
keeps

getting


tougher.

enamored, disgusted, confused, what's true?
now i'm drinking as much as you
growing fat and always tired
i can't believe it when I'm told I "inspire"
crawl into my ******* bed
stare you down while you're giving me head

overthinking
overdrinking
over all this mindless sinking

"[love] rejoices with the truth;
bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things"

back in a hole

find it so simple to push one idea,
way of life,
(you)
away, and hop on board another
i still hate the way you play
even more now that i hear myself in it.
your creativity always astounded me...

"each one teaches me something"
so i say
while i slowly realize i share in all of their worst qualities
boredom and pride
attachment and irrationality
introversion and doubt [your recent contribution]