Margo was not a miracle. She was not an adventure. She was not a fine and precious thing. She was a girl. It's easy to like someone from a distance. But when she stopped being this amazing unattainable thing or whatever, and started being, like, just a regular girl with a weird relationship with food and frequent crankiness who's kind of bossy--then I had to basically start liking a whole different person.

                                                   -John Green


I read for hours to find the words,
The ones I required to know.
Ah, at last, she was so right,
Words pulled from my own shadow.

I knew them to be words of truth,
These words I had to find.
She told me I had to read them,
They might bring me peace of mind.

Alas, she was right as always,
I know not how she does.
Plucking at my own heartstrings,
The words told me who I was.

What fear, what fear,
What fear to turn the page.
I know not there nor here,
I fear nothing but a cage.

Onward, onward,
Let the climbing never cease.
When silence goes unheard,
The climb has reached its peak.

Such tears, such tears,
So haunting as they fall.
Numbering the wasted years,
And each unanswered call.

Finality, Finality,
Finally it is near.
Become the abnormality,
The dreaded cage is here.

I don't think I have the energy to be me. I don't have the energy to work out and run 5 miles every day. I am too tired to greet friends with enthusiasm and genuine joy. I lack the will to take risks and seize every chance I get. I don't have the strength to introduce myself to random strangers, strike up a conversation, and be friends. I don't have the time to be a part of every club and team. I don't have the energy to hit every party in one night. I don't have the rest to stay up all night, doing crazy things. I don't have the energy to fight the many battles I am in or the energy to make peace. I don't have the zeal to try new things. I don't have the passion to continue learning what I'm interested in. I don't have the desire to be sarcastic and joke about life. I just don't.

All these things make me who I am. All these things wear me thin and tire me out. The reward isn't big enough any more, the pain is too much, the effort to great. I want to let it collapse around me so badly. I want to fall into one of those people who do nothing but school, work, and Netflix. What a relaxing life that might be. No self inflicted pressures or expectations, no failures or effort, no rejection or hurt. It seems... safe. It would be safe to not be me, safe and comfortable. Maybe then I'd have the energy.



But I don't want to change. I don't want to be anyone else.

I love being me. I love who I am and all that I do. As tiring, as frustrating, as painful as it can be, I know that it is better than the alternative, that dreadful, seductive, alternative. At least this way I am alive. I am living, experiencing the world through more than just a screen. I am out here, on my own, actively shaping the world around me. I can never let myself slip, sliding into the easy life of safety and comfort. There is no adventure there, no danger to get the blood pumping. I desire passion and adrenaline, to remember just how ******* good the air tastes after it is almost taken from you forever. I need complexity, improvement, and experience, I need to feel things on a deeper level. I want more than what is found in a safe life. I want to live, I want to love, I want to Be.


That is why I know that I will always find a way. I know that I'll find something to keep me going during the hardest and most tiring of times. I'll always find something to pull myself back up when I fall. I cannot slip into that dark alternative, for to do so would be akin to the death of me, the death of Nathaniel, the death of who I am.

Where once was joy, lies sadness now,
Where elation used to soar.
Where once was anticipation and excitement,
Now empty, gone, no more.

The trap has closed around me,
The snares tangle my feet.
No more to fight, I can’t resist,
The claws are buried deep.

Straitjacket and gag is my reward,
What did I do to earn this garb?
Sedated on the surgeons table,
They’re trying to remove my heart.

I came only with good intentions,
Asking not for any such pain.
I feel each incision at distance,
A trickle of pride circling the drain.

How long before they rend me open,
How long will I resist defeat?
I thought myself stronger than this,
Perhaps the curse did marry me.

I can feel their hands inside me,
Searching through my gaping chest.
Clawing, clinging, wrenching, grasping,
Why did mother say they knew best?

Why can’t I continue the way I was?
What is so wrong with who I am?
Why does everyone feel the need,
To bind my mouth and hands?

Finally they have found my heart,
Their hands are firmly grasping.
Pulling, pulling, a ******* gasp,
Let me be is all I’m asking!

The veins and arteries strain,
My soul puts up a fight.
But I can’t resist the ways of God,
I’m no match for the surgeon’s knife.

They put it in a box, a chest,
I see them lock it with a key.
They are off to bury both,
Stealing the essence of me.

Gone now is my spirit,
Gone now is my fight.
Forever ended is my battle,
Hidden away in earth and night.

The audience around me roars,
My mother cheers, “They’ve done it!”
Only a few look on with somber eyes,
They know this is not what I wanted.

In my chest they place a new heart,
This one of white, marbled stone.
“You’ll be okay son, this is best,
Eventually we all must atone.”

Resignation fills me,
Resistance fully comes to an end.
I suppose I must make the best of it,
I suppose I’ll continue to pretend.

Here I lay in a room of white,
Innocence, clean and pure.
I close my eyes and listen close,
But my heart beats no more.

Come lie with me.
Let's lie to the world.
Let's say that it can't hold us down,
Can't hold us back,
Can make us hurt.
Let's lie to the world and say that everything is fine.
That this is how things were meant to be.
That here as we lay, we are truly free.
I doesn't have to be for long,
It can be if you like,
But just lie with me at least until night.

The audacity is staggering,
Enraged ego makes me laugh.
Why do you think it is yours,
When common fantasy I craft?

I write for me, myself, and I,
And often, for another.
But I too write for audience,
To give them chills and shudders.

I pull emotion from my heart,
And feeling from my past.
Sometimes I will write in truth,
But stories are told in final draft.

I love to mess with the mind,
Confuse and frustrate readers.
I don't want you to know the meaning,
And I don't want you to know me either.

Leave the ego and assumption behind,
I rhyme for for art and applause.
It hones my skills for further use,
Sharpening poetic claws.

Even this is not what you think,
If you know me you'll understand.
This is a cryptic verse,
From the beginning planned.

So read on with a grain of salt,
Be wary as you go.
Many of my works are true,
But which you'll never know.

I want to be with you,
See you
Hear you
Smell you
Touch you
Taste you
I want to feel you, in my heart, beside me.
I want to know what you’re thinking,
Please tell me your dreams.
I want to hear every small idea that pops into your beautiful mind.

I’m not good at this, I know I’m not.
I never claimed to be.
This is the point I lose my footing,
The place I fail to see.
This is where I need some help,
I need you beside me.

I miss the laughter, my God, it hurts.
To think that I might miss a smile.
Please come back, I miss you dearly,
I haven’t slept in a while.

I’m sorry if I pressured you,
If I stressed way too much.
I never meant to push you away,
Or to squeeze you in my clutch.

I only wanted to be with you,
To try and brighten your every day.
I regret every time I never told you,
Every chance I failed to say…

I love you.
I love you.
If only you could see that it is true.
I’ve never felt this way before,
It’s only been with you.

I’m sorry if that was scary,
If I came on far too strong.
I know it to be a flaw in me,
I let passion string me along.

It feels like drowning without you,
I struggle with every breath.
Please come back, my oxygen,
Your love saved me, I confess.

I don’t know what I can do,
I wish I knew how to fight.
I don’t want to push you,
But you are all I see at night.

I long to look into your eyes,
And see something more than distaste.
I need to hear your voice again,
Watch my heart laid waste.

I’ve asked nothing of you but patience,
I’ll ask nothing more of you still.
I’m drowning here without you,
Come back to me if you will.

2/22/2013

I live a poetic life,
Full of joy, full of strife.
My years are all metered time,
My days somehow seem to rhyme.

My thoughts are stanzas of four lines,
My speech is full of abstract signs.
I hear words as though color,
Music fuels me like no other.

The steady rhythm of my feet,
Sometimes loses iambic beat.
My dances fluid like silver truth,
Cheeky remarks prove my youth.

My sins are masked hyperbole,
Smudged perfection, italic gray.
My faults revealed as similes,
Numerous as the fallen leaves.

My food tastes of deeper meaning,
Drink like conclusions redeeming.
Adverbs are like catching the flu,
Adjectives sadly set me askew.

Trying to live a verse on love,
Reading a book on what's above.
A letter, a line, that's just me,
Because I live a life of poetry.

All you want,
Is one last kiss.
But it's a bad idea,
You must resist.

Because that kiss,
Will become something more.
It will start slowly,
Shuffling to the door.

That kiss turns hot,
With heavy breathing.
This is your last chance,
The heat is deceiving.

Your hands wander,
To familiar places.
How did this happen?
You were ending graces...

Suddenly you're downstairs,
At her door.
It slams shut behind,
Shirts hit the floor.

What are you doing?
Get it together man.
I told you to resist,
You should have ran.

The pants shimmy off,
Her back hits the bed.
What are you thinking?
Using the wrong head...

I love you baby,
Whisper one last crime.
Everything is off,
You swear the last time.

Now the bed is rocking,
And the memories flood in.
You remember the first time,
How it all begins.

It feels so good,
That you forget to think.
Yet you don't realize,
You've gone off the brink.

Lying beside her,
Now your brain kickstarts.
What have you done...
Destroying hearts.

It was one last kiss,
That is what you swore.
You had no idea,
It would become something more.

Congratulations sir,
You're a royal *****.
Now get out of bed,
Put some clothes on.

I the captain of my soul,
I Shall not wait for the toll.
For I command my ship, it is my own,
Truly mine, and mine alone.

I stand before the massive wheel,
Let life pass beneath my keel.
I need not your wind in my sail,
For I am the captain, I will prevail.


-I read invictus last night and it inspired me to write my own

This must be a dream.
Surely it must be!
I've never felt life like this,
Washing over me.

Is this a true reality,
Or am I just asleep?
Is this just a creation in my head,
While I float in dreams so deep?

Perhaps I should pinch myself,
To test this light fantasy.
I can't believe this the truth,
I need proof that I can see.

The pinch doesn't wake me,
Water makes no change.
My token top is falling,
Life will never be the same.

Perhaps then this is no dream!
Maybe this is in fact real life.
What perfection that could be,
Living a perfect dream of night.

Everything is going well,
Not a flaw can possibly be seen.
I float through almost dazed,
Suddenly living a true dream.

My smile never falters,
How could it here and now?
Nothing will ever hold me back,
No man can hold me down.

Life becomes my happiness,
This dream a dream no more.
Such perfection I've found here,
This is a dream I will adore.

Why can't I leave you?
Even with all your flaws, why can I not leave you?

I'll tell you why.

It's because when I look at you, I see beauty. I see innocence and brilliance and someone that hasn't been corrupted by the world. I see someone who hasn't lost their optimism, who hasn't bowed to cynicism or bitterness. I see someone who still loves life and is able to see the beauty and wonder that fills the world.

When I look at you, I lose myself. The lines of your face, the glow of your cheeks, the depth in your eyes, and every hair either in or out of place combines to create the sublime. Time stops... when I look at you. Whatever we're doing, whether it be hiking around rocks, running around, careening around corners on the road, singing as we walk, or just laying together, enjoying each other, I find one little instant when time freezes. It freezes and all I see is you. It freezes and yet another still frame is added to the growing memory book that has your name on it.

Your mind baffles me, your words inspire me, your personality keeps me on my toes. And even though there are lots of little flaws, lots of small imperfections, and even a few larger ones, they are all outweighed by how amazing you are. I've never met anyone like you. Nobody has ever made me feel like you do. Not a single person has been all that you are.

How could I possibly leave you?

There are times when I've wanted to - times when I want nothing more than to call it quits because you drive me crazy or dangle want I want just in front of my face, but never give it to me. There have been so many times when I think about you and realize that you will probably be my downfall. You will wind up being that person that I knew would come along and ruin all my plans. You're going to be the person that makes me compromise on all I've ever wanted and worked for, all I have ever desired of life, all because I am going to fall in love with you. I am going to fall in love with you and I'm going to love it and hate it all at the same time. You are going to be my beautiful ruin.

Despite this, despite knowing that you are simultaneously and tragically perfect and perfectly wrong for me...

I still can't leave you.

I know that if I did, I would hate myself. Twenty years after I left you I would look back and realize that I was a fool. Hindsight would reveal just how painfully shallow and misguided I am.

Does that answer your question?
Does that help you understand?

Does that make you realize who exactly you are? Who you are to me? You are the Anti-Blake. You are the end of everything that makes me who I am. You're stealing my identity away from me, turning me into someone else.

And even so,

I still can't leave you.

I feel better knowing you're not alone,
It brings me some sort of restless peace.
I don't know why it feels this way,
But it is a beautiful rest for me.

I feel better knowing the way it is,
I love the solitude it will find.
Not quite sure if it will last,
But it brings quiet to my mind.

I feel better seeing the threads all fray,
Such pleasure found in their breaking.
They come apart, each in turn,
But I love the sounds they are making.

I feel better knowing the lines appear,
That they don't exude the sadness and lies.
They bring me peace as I crawl along,
As though the clouds leave my starry skies.

I feel better watching the ice all melt,
As it drips away from the core.
Each drop carries away my burden,
Until I have a burden no more.

I feel better knowing some form of truth,
It keeps me from wondering so long.
The time once spent in contemplation,
Is now spent strumming another song.

I feel better knowing that peace is found,
Because it keeps me from keeping the peace.
I don't know why it was always me,
Who was left sifting through the sheets.

I feel better knowing how it feels,
To be so near and whole.
I don't quite know nor understand,
But I don't need to, I've been told.

I feel better knowing that smiles break,
That I for once, don't have to smile.
The release I feel, with every grin,
Freedom not felt for long while.

I feel better knowing it is no longer my care,
That someone else will shoulder the blame.
My shoulders stretch while my back mends,
Broken and sore from all this strain.

I feel better knowing I can be forgotten,
Even if for but a moment.
It finally means that I too can forget,
Without the guilt I always spent.

I feel better knowing that only a shadow,
Remains of all that I endured.
That I don't need to take it,
That I can finally fly once more.

I feel better knowing that happiness,
Is only sometimes just an illusion.
It brings the world again to my hand,
Eliminating all the weighty confusion.

I feel better knowing the pain is only mine,
That I can finally fight my demons through.
I await the day I watch them fall,
I know them weak, and my sword is true.

I feel better knowing I'm not alone,
That there is someone, something else out there.
I don't know why it feels this way,
But it keeps my from all my despair.

"I miss you.”
The sentence seemed to slip out, layered with my pain and sadness and guilt.

~  -  ~  -  ~  -  ~

It was so real, this vision. In a way, I knew it was. I knew that it was only a projection of her conscious being. I knew that she really and truly was dead. But some part of me kept holding onto the hope that there was something I had missed and she would be standing there in front of me when I opened my eyes.

I missed her terribly. I missed her laugh and her tears, her jokes and her cynical sarcasm. I missed the way the corner of her mouth would curl when she was keeping a secret from me. The mornings seemed empty, never quite complete without a text rambling about whatever late night thought she had. The empty pit in my stomach deepened every time I heard her name.

I missed her like I didn't know I could miss someone. She had become such an integral part of my life that I didn't even realize it until she was gone. I imagine it being something like losing a limb. Except she was so much more than just that. To me, she was an arm and a leg, part of my brain, and she was my heart. She had become so much of me, this friend. Part of me had died with her.

I think it was because of the connection we had, the way she had become such a part of me, that I could still talk to her. I could shut my eyes and she would appear there in front of me, in all her beauty and wisdom, just as she was right now. She always had that devilish little curl in her smile that proved she was keeping her secrets.

"What was it like when you died?"

I asked the question without thinking. She had already given so much, I felt bad asking for any more. But I was genuinely curious.

"It was peaceful. I went quietly, you know, never did want to go out in a blaze of action like you do. It was very painless, some sort of cross between slipping over the crest of a roller coaster and falling asleep."

As she spoke, her eyes shifted up and to the left like they always did when she was telling a story. It always seemed as if she was reading her memories from somewhere in the sky.

"What... What came next? Or rather, where are you now?"

For the first time, I felt slightly nervous about knowing the answer to one of my questions.

"Well I'm right here with you silly."

She giggled softly, her incredible laugh. The sound that made men instantly fall head over heals. It was indescribable.

"You know what I mean. Were we right?"

She almost looked solemn for a moment, as though she struggled with something. It was so unlike her, usually calm and certain. The moment of indecision written in her face made my heart beat faster. The corner of her mouth curled up just a bit, and I knew what was coming next.

"I can't tell you that. Some things you must discover for yourself. But you were right not to fear it. We truly are in control of our own destiny."

My mind was racing through all the possibilities. I really wished she could have given me a full truth, but I knew she would have a good reason for not telling me. I saw the moment of indecision again, just before she spoke.

"I can't tell you what came for me, because it can change what will come for you. Whatever we believe comes next, that is what comes. If your heart and soul believe in some form of afterlife, then that is what comes next. If you believe that there is nothing, then there is nothing. I know not what happens then."

How is someone supposed to react to that sort of information? I went with my usual attempt at humor.

"So you're saying I just need to believe that I go to a land of infinite bacon and sports cars."

She giggled again, this time with the knowing look in her eye that I'd only ever seen in her. It was the look that told how she completely understood me.

"If that's what you want to spend eternity with, then absolutely. It does sound rather pleasant."

This would all take a while to sink in. I decided to think about it all later and proceeded to soak in her image. She was a beautiful person, not only for her looks, but for what I knew to be within her.

"I miss you.”

The sentence seemed to slip out, layered with my pain and sadness and guilt. It echoed within the constructs of my mind, the three words that summed up the whole of my being at that moment. In that one sentence was every tear I hadn't shed and every word I'd wished to say.

"I miss you too.”

She said the words softly after a slight pause. I think we both knew how we felt and we both knew that she was the stronger one right now. In life it had always been me, but I realized that she had always been my strength. I once again felt the crushing pressure of being alone in the world.

"I just miss you so much and I don't even know how to keep going anymore. How am I supposed to live without the one person who really understood me? How do I just, I don't... I know we used to talk and joke about how I was so strong and independent, but I'm not anymore. You changed that. You filled a void in my life that I never even knew was there and became so much more. I don't know how to succeed without you. So many times I've thought about following. I've held the gun in my hands and I didn't see an end, I saw you. I saw the only way to get to you."

My attempts to remain stoic couldn't hope to combat this pain. It boiled up and overflowed into everything. Even the eyes that she said 'had forgotten how to cry' were on the verge of tears. The pain and the guilt pushed out all other emotions.

"No matter how much it hurts, you will make it through. I know your purpose and drive, and I know you have the determination and strength, as well as the bravery. This is only just another challenge, like all those others that you faced and defeated. You never once took the coward’s way out, and I don't expect you to do so this time. I am still with you, in your heart, in your mind, and in your soul. No matter how it feels, you won't be alone."

She spoke calmly. Her grace had always astounded me. Even in death she was just as calming and comforting. My heart began to slow to its normal pace and I focused on collecting myself. She was so beautiful.

"I love you."

I couldn't count how many times I'd whispered those three words, but this time felt different. It was both a statement of belief and a promise. It was a binding agreement that I would survive, that I had to. It was an apology and a thank you, a symbol and a wish.

"I love you too.  You were the one person who ever even tried to reach beneath the surface. You saved me when I needed it most. I’m sorry I’m not there to be with you now."

But I hadn't saved her. At least, not when it counted. If I had, she would still be alive and I wouldn't be mired in this **** sadness. If I had, we would still be together.

“Forever and always.”

I watched as she faded, seeming to slip away from me. I didn't know how I felt. She looked into me with those deep eyes one more time and was gone. Everything was black and I was staring at the slightly red glow of the morning sun on my eyelids. I slowly opened my eyes, reluctant to lose any image that might be left of her.

"Forever and always."

I whispered her promise to the early Sun's rays, as though to hold them to the light, turning over and over to inspect them. Part of me had died with her, but the rest of me had to go on.

10/26/13

I realized that I loved you,
As I watched you walk away.
I just stood there watching,
With so much yet to say.

My brain flooded with memories,
Both the brightest and the black.
Each feeding the flame,
That burned to have you back.

Every word ever spoken,
Was seen in a new, white light.
The epiphany was painful,
It cast me into night.

I realized that I wanted you,
As I watched you walk away.
You were the desire of my dreams,
And my yearning every day.

You were not what I had believed,
Such a fool I had become.
My blindness and my ego,
Caused it all to be undone.

The pain began to build,
As I realized my new fate.
A chasm deep inside my heart,
The one you would soon create.

I realized you were perfect,
As I watched you walk away.
That I had never seen a flaw,
I admired and loved your every way.

The curtain shut on my show,
When you ceased as audience.
Left standing, baffled, on the stage,
Sifting through the evidence.

It was true you were the beauty,
Without you, my show was dim.
You brought light to that around you,
And a tingle to the skin.

I realized my final fallacy,
As I watched you walk away.
I had failed without compare,
With nothing left but to pray.

Clinging to my convictions,
Struggling to keep what was left.
So ******* within myself,
Contemplating the ease of death.

Forgiveness would never come,
I was quick to see.
This was a loss life knows but once,
Not for you, but me.

I realized that I loved you,
As I watched you walk away.
I knew that it was over,
Today was my last day.

Lie with me,
In two senses.
Lie to ourselves,
Nothing else matters.
Lie to the world,
We aren't ordinary.

Now lie with me,
Your back in the grass,
Feel the earth's breath,
Upon your silken skin.
Feel her subtleties,
Her sophistication,
Her beauty...
Like you.
Lie here with me,
In the moonlight.
Hear my whisper in your ear,
Bask in my  warmth.
Feel the roughness of my fingers,
Entwined in yours,
So delicate and smooth...
Lie with me under heaven's floor.
Stare into the darkness,
Let it take control.
Understand the power around you,
Understand the gentleness beside you.
See the millions of stars,
So far away.
See the moon,
Its glow lights our night.
Just lie here...feel...understand...
Can you tell how small we are?
Does it have a hold on your soul yet?
Are you not overwhelmed!?
Does the power and awe not inspire you to be the best you can be?!
You are a part of this perfect universe!
You are a tiny speck of carbon and perfection...
Now I hope you see,
Feel,
Understand...
That is how I feel inside,
Every moment, of every day.
So tonight,
Lie here beside me.
Feel my strength,
In comparison, weakness,
And feel everything around you.
I can give you no greater gift.
I can express no greater love.

Most days
I have a single fear:
That my life is just a dream
From which I might soon wake.

If this life is but a dream
Please let me stay asleep.

I used to stand before my kingdom,
Staring down to those below.
Wondering how to next amaze them,
To keep them in my shadow.

I used to stand beside the best,
Plotting my next ambitious move.
Each peer merely another test,
A battleground where I could prove.

Mind and body, my mighty sword,
Fist and pen, my trusty shield.
Opponents fell with my every word,
Until I cleared the field.

Then I attempted my greatest feat,
To conquer all the world.
To take down the highest elite,
And watch my flag unfurled.

Too long my power unparalleled,
Too long without an equal
Too many enemies, easily felled,
Eliminated my sequel.

My mind had dulled, my body weak,
Words did not flow forth to shield.
The fall came at my peak,
My fate was newly sealed.

What good was I, now below,
A king without his kingdom.
What did I have to show,
For the battles I had won?

Looking up, I could see,
My throne sitting far above
The place I used to be.
My one and only love.

I am defeated and downtrodden.
I wander cold and alone,
My feet tired and sodden.
For my sins I must atone.

Baby its cold outside,
Lets go turn up the heat.
Maybe kindle some pillows,
Make a fire of your sheets.

Throw on some blankets,
Build up the heat.
There's a hotter side of me,
That I want you to meet.

It might snow or sleet,
A long winter storm,
But tonight I can promise,
I'll be keeping you warm.

I play my music load, I rev my engine to feel the roar.
I amp up the bass until I can hear nothing more.

All so that I might forget the silent emptiness of my heart.

I go to concerts that ****** the ears, clubs with no peace.
I plug in my headphones any time or place.

All so that I might forget the silent emptiness of my heart.

I never stop talking when I'm with friends, or family at home.
I can't stand silence when I am alone.

Because I can't stand this silence in my heart.

To whisper "I love you" into her ear,
The greatest joy of my life.
Tickling hair as I lay near,
Brightest star in my night.

Here she stars on a stage,
Overwhelming the crowd.
Grace unmet in every age,
Their silent applause roars loud.

I long to be a part of her,
To revel in her soul.
My darker depths begin to stir,
When I relenquish my control.

I cannot help the way I am,
So in love and so alive.
She is the sun and I the sand,
Playing in the beach of life.

Her toes form in tiny curls,
When in her sleep she dreams.
I long to know the dreaming worlds,
When she lies softly beside me.

Where does she wander nightly,
When she drifts off into sleep?
Soft breathing, ever lightly,
Her mind delving deep.

To whisper "I love you" into her ear,
The purpose for which I exist.
To pull her closer, hold her near,
Nothing greater than this.

I long to look upon your face and feel nothing.

No more emotion, whatever it may be;
I want to be cold again.

I want you to mean nothing to me, nothing at all.

But you do.
You still do.

I still can't see your picture without feeling.

She has my heart on the line, keeps me high strung.
If only she knew the power she held.
Her laughter chains me down while her smiles shackle my feet,
I cannot run, I cannot escape, her memory follows me wherever I go.
I cannot drown her out, block the thoughts, or hide from she, my *****.
She ruins my concentration, starves my love, and steals my every focus.
I cannot find repose.

I've had it all,
I've lost it all.
I was wrong,
For far too long,
So I had my fall.

I had the car,
I owned a star.
I was king to those around,
Now I'm greeted with no sound,
I'll not make it far.

Alone and cold,
No longer bold.
I'm chilled to the bone,
Suffering alone,
Failing as I'm told.

Night or day,
I sit and pray.
I need something new,
Someone to woo.
Somewhere I can lay.

But I'm gassed,
My time is passed.
Nothing now to chain me down,
Never again to don my crown,
I am free at last.

I need to thank you, faithful friend,
For all the worry watched.
For every night you’ve been at my side,
For every danger that you caught.

I cannot escape you,
Following my path to the end.
If only I could see you,
If only I could talk to you, my friend.

I wonder what you think of me,
Watching my toils and strife.
I wonder if you believe in me,
If you think I live a worthwhile life.

It pains me to think that you look on,
Distaste at my every decision.
I hate to think you deem me lost,
That I’m unfocused in my mission.

If you cry when I fall,
The ground is soaked and wet.
Does admonishment fill your face,
When past lessons I forget?

Do you silently scream at me,
Berating with silent roar,
When I choose to fall and fail again,
Or when I lose my path once more?

Does frustration grip you,
Are you stuck with me forever?
Do you hate me now,
Does anger tingle in every feather?

I know that I fall often,
I know you save me from even more.
I hope that you don’t hate me,
I hope patience ushers forth.

Thank you for following me,
Thank you for not taking flight.
I’m glad to call you a friend,
Guardian angel in the night.

A single crack is all it takes.
A single crack for walls to break.
A simple start to a catastrophic end,
A minor flaw for havoc makes.

So simple, a crack; so simple the wall,
So simple a crack to begin a fall.

I'm trying. I'm trying.
I've been trying so **** long.
I hate the words, rancid taste,
Like failure off the tongue.

Can't you see what I'm going through,
Are you blind to this, my misery?
Disappointment and festering,
Is that all that you can see?

I don't think you appreciate.
I don't think you understand!
This is what I look like dying.
Soul thin under demand.

You were all needed.
With you I was doing just fine.
But now you are leaving me,
Watching my coffin float on bye.

In this time of suffering misery,
I held on just for you.
I knew that I would see you again,
I knew then I'd make it through.

Can't you see what you mean to me?
Can't you realize my sacrifice?
Why can't you just understand?
Don't make me these dice.

I don't know what I can do,
There are no answers to your questions.
I've done my best, I've been patient,
I've followed all of the directions.

I guess I'll never really know,
What I can do to make this right.
If you could only just understand,
But it is clear your don't tonight.

A wonder it is this starry night,
Grace hearken close to me.
Forever looking on at my weighty plight,
Countless observers of my infinity.

From drawn sweater strings to rumbling exhaust,
This something follows me home.
It reminds me of all the longing lost,
And of my self-titled, empty tome.

From little laughs and midnight streaks,
I've learned to love my disappointment.
The ways of the world leave a future bleak,
No solace in any appointment.

From dusk til dawn I tarry not,
Lest I find myself stuck in place.
From day to day I search for thought,
To bring light to my now empty face.

I fear for all I have so far loved,
I fear I will lose them in my lies.
They won't understand my flight to above,
They won't understand me when I die.

Why can none understand this way,
Won't acknowledge that I choose life over fear?
What is there left that I can say,
That validates holding passion most near?

Forever and onward it seems to me,
That I will be running to find.
I'll be looking and looking for my final peace,
Until the end of time.

Title: One Thing Is Still True
Posted On: 2012-10-02 05:03:59 UTC


I hate the boy I used to be.
The childish thoughts,
The fantasy of love and loss,
All that junk just wasn't me.

I hate the long hair,
The dark, late nights,
The depressed poetry.
I don't know why I cared.

I hate the way I felt,
The hopeless longing.
Pathetic words to you,
Praying your heart would melt.

-----------

So I took that ** and fed the fire,
I made life about my desire.
I quit the ****, the sadness, the games,
I set myself for higher aims.

I cut my hair, spiked it up,
Pressed the bar, not big enough.
I hit on girls, hotter than you,
I quit dreaming, whimpering too.

-----------

I hate the boy I used to be.
He was weak and sad,
He was stupid and wrong.
He just wasn't me.

Only one thing is still true.
The love,
The dream,
The wanting you.

He thought his heart to be made of stone.
As cold as ice, it was his own.
None could bear it's weight,
Forever alone, an etched fate.

That was before he met the girl.
Who was to disprove his rocky world.
Her eyes of fire bore into him,
The icicles began to drip within.

Slowly at first, but soon faster.
He struggled to stay his master,
But her laugh and smile invigorated,
Cracks in his solid heart created.

He tried to slow down his melt,
Unaccustomed and scared by what he felt.
But her depth and thought, unparallel,
Brought down the remains of his icy shell.

All that was left was a rocky core.
Satisfied, he thought she could do no more.
But the warmth of her lips could not be denied,
The stone crumbled, he melted inside.

This charade has ended,
I can no longer stomach the strain.
I'd rather quit, choice undefended,
Than to watch it slowly circle the drain.

The hours of waiting are past,
There is no more place for them here.
This now must be the last,
It was the final year.

The memories come tumbling down,
Feeling more like dreams than not.
Each crashing silently, not a sound,
Much more painful than I thought.

So many reasons, so many nights,
But I can no longer justify.
It's not fair and it's not right,
For the involved to stand idly by.

So now the hammer is crushing,
The blow staggering with finality.
Any further attempts just waves crashing,
Decision standing firm against the sea.

I'm sure the blood will run,
And the hate words will be poured out.
This was the battle I never won,
Weak and overcome with doubt.

Nothing here is happiness,
I find not joy in words of ending.
Soon now the reflective sadness,
As I feel the promise rending.

Words are but pointless lines,
Sentences conveyors of betrayal.
Fate fought all my best designs,
Until I caused my own self to fail.

3/22/14

Heavy on my heart,
Always on my mind.
Forever we must part,
I must leave you behind.

I won't survive more,
I've really got to go.
I'm walking out the door,
Feet don't be slow.

I'll do what I must,
To rip you from my skull.
I'll blame it on lust,
The love far too dull.

I make up lies,
And throw up the walls.
I'll forget your sighs,
That echoed down this hall.

I'm burning every photo,
Trashing every letter.
Forcing to let go,
I've got to get better.

I'm breaking the locket,
The one you gave for Christmas.
I'll hate the way I loved it,
And swear I'll never miss this.

I'm filling my filthy head,
With all unpleasant thoughts.
Abandoning my bed,
And all our pleasant spots.

I'll never ever go,
To the places I took you.
I'll never ever show,
I'll never let you through.

I'm blocking your number,
Deleted from my phone.
I swear I'll always slumber,
And never miss your tone.

I'm forgetting your scent,
When you slept next to me.
Leaving every moment spent,
Now thinking that I'm free.

I'll forget your taste,
And lie about your passion.
I'm doing this with haste,
Sinister in fashion.

I'll call you a failure,
Lie to all my friends.
Saying that I hate her,
And I'm so glad it ends.

If I ever see you,
In passing on the street,
I'll be without a clue,
As if we didn't meet.

My final big confession,
The only one that's true:
I've learned my lesson,
I've been corrupted by you.

I fell in love not thinking,
But knowing you toxic.
Your love and scheming,
Now leave me sick.

You are gone forever,
I've thrown you away.
I knew this would never,
End any another way.

For C

I hate that you have done this to me.

Is this what giving up feels like?
Is this what giving in feels like?

I know where things go from here.
I know what happens next.
This is where my future disappears.
Where what I want fades away to what is best.

I knew you would come for me one day,
I knew it might be soon in time.
I secretly hoped that you would never find me,
That I might escape your way of life.

Finally the wait is over,
There is nothing left for me to fight.
No more to rage at dying day,
I must go softly into this goodnight.

It seems to me now that I've outgrown you. Perhaps even, I've outgrown my former self. I remember the last time I saw you, the way I could look into your eyes and I see my world. In you, I found everything that meant anything to me. Sometimes I miss that feeling because it was comfort the likes of which I’d never known. But usually, I look back with a hint of bemused sadness on how blind and immature we were. There is enough separation that I can laugh about it now. I can laugh at all my fantasies of love and life and how each was supposed to work.
            I laugh when I remember thinking, "This is it, I've done it. I’ve finally found a purpose and a future for my life. It has to be her." My God, I knew so little. What knowledge did I have of the real world? I was a freshman in college coming from a sheltered youth, hopped up on testosterone and dreams of love. I had dreamt of it, what it might feel like, taste like, hurt like. But they were idealized dreams without any supporting material besides sonnets and the inescapable loneliness that caused me to fall into the well of my mind.
            The part that hurt was that I found those dreams in you. Everything that I had ever imagined or wanted, every scenario I'd mashed into a stained poem, I had it with you. I know I said so, but perhaps you never realized that you truly and literally were a dream come true for me. You went from a stranger to my all and everything in the blink of an eye. I know that to be my mistake, I know that it was foolish, but how can a person such as I resist seizing a dream when it stands before them, especially a dream as tantalizing and intriguing as you were at the time? I no longer blame myself for the way it all happened. I understand why I did it, and I have no regrets to lose sleep over.

            When I fell in love with you, you were infinite. The deeper I probed into your mind and your heart the more I would find, going on forever until I believed you limitless. You were the epitome of all that I wanted, and more. Sometimes I miss that wonderment and admiration because I was never bored, you were a constant mystery that my idly wasted mind just loved to unravel. For the longest time I believed you to be this amazing person with hopes and dreams that would rival mine, even more is that I believed you acted on them as I do.
            Sometime after we ended, somewhere in the middle of the healing process, I realized just how blinding love could be. I saw you in a different light then, one in which I wasn't blinded by all of the frills and little details that had taken up far too much of my attention. For the first time, I witnessed your actions in the third person and was finally able to be objective in my observation. I saw you for who you were, all of your fears and insecurity, lack of understanding, and the terror you have of the world. I saw in you the flaws corresponding to my greatest strengths.

            Naturally, I saw your flaws far, far before I could see mine. But now, enough time has passed that I can see myself for who I was then. I see how foolish I was to believe that you were the answer to the questions I focused my life around. I was young enough to let myself slide into the wild, blinding passage of young love, but old enough to be serious. I wasn't strong enough to let you go when I should have, not wise enough to know why I should, and not quick enough to save us when I didn’t. I was a foolish kid with a head full of dreams and a heart intoxicated with your drug. I see that now.

            I think I have outgrown both you and my former self. I have come light-years from where I was then, with countless more to go. The thing is, you haven't progressed at the rate that I have. You seem to be stuck, struggling with the same fears and insecurities and inexperience that drug you down before. Why didn't you mature with me? I have wished for months now that you might come along, find something else inside yourself that you could pull out and intrigue me with, yet again. I must admit, I want to fall in love with you again, but not the version of you I knew before. I want the version that is refined, just as alive and vibrant as before, but with a little bit of experience to take the edge off of your blinding fear. But no, it seems this version of you still does not exist. You are still trying to figure out who you are and where you belong in this beautiful world that has been nothing but generous and kind to you. I watch you bounce from place to place, searching for something that makes you feel safe and as though you are making progress. Progress towards what, I still think you don't know.
            I honestly hope you find what you are looking for and manage to create that better version of you. I hope you learn about who you are and what you want with your life. Until then, the thought will be there, sequestered away into a tiny cell in the back of my mind. I look forward to meeting the new you someday.

Come find me when you are done.

I feel it crawling beneath your skin,
Slinking, squirming, deep within.
Beneath my touch you seize and reel,
Burning up with ***** zeal.

Your eyes aflame, deep and blue,
Such a sinful, delicious hue.
I feel the heated radiation,
I see your longing designation.

You look at me, into my eyes,
Searching past my calm disguise,
I fear you see the beast within,
He that longs to feed your sin.

I can't control it, I can't hold back,
Your burning lust, my twisted track.
An evil grin lights your face,
Now that you feel my blood race.

You take my hands, press them to you,
Knowing my desire to be true.
I drop a muffled, aching sound,
Feeling your dress fall to the ground.

I pull you in, rough and strong,
Your whimpers such a succulent song.
One more look into your eyes,
You are the sin that satisfies.

Silken hands of lustful flame,
Tracing down my twisting frame.
I in turn caress your face,
Prepared to enjoy this fall from grace.

Desire's fury now takes control,
Feeding the flames beneath my soul.
I can't resist your delicious feel,
The sensation of your ***** zeal.

Waves breaking all around,
Midnight sky, without a sound.
Sandy beach below my feet,
Ground slowly losing heat.
Wind blows your gentle hair,
Making me love the nighttime air.
Moonlit glow within your eyes,
Complementing happy sighs.
Your hand soft as ocean scent,
Taking mine on the descent.
Wavelike rhythm of your heart,
Nothing keeping us apart.
Midnight gentleness in your lips,
The feel of your skin on my fingertips.
We sit and watch the ocean view,
But it just can't compare to the beauty in you.

My thoughts are grim and dark,
Of that terrored night in the park.
I can't help but cringe as I,
Remember the night I tried to die.

At the lowest of my power,
That the night of my darkest hour.
I momentarily escaped my soul,
Abandoned myself, lost control.

An hour spent at dead sprint,
The clouds finally catching the hint.
Thunderous drops beating the path,
Synced in tune to my crimson wrath.

The lightning seemed to illuminate,
All of my branching, shadowy hate.
Fury seething in blue-eyed shrouds,
Matched the roiling, blackened clouds.

I felt the burning in my legs prevail,
Collapsing off the lakeside trail.
Headlong into a chilly black,
A liquid greed began it's attack.

Sodden clothes pulling down,
Soaked jacket just begging to drown.
A thousand bubbles struggle to rise,
Mind considering this odd demise.

To never feel her pain again,
To abandon the temptation of sin,
To leave this wretched world behind,
To finally meet others of my kind.

These thoughts flashing in my brain,
Convincing to never breath again.
So beautiful was the lightning above,
A more perfect grave I could think not of.

With peaceful mind and closed eye,
My angel watched the old me die.
He stood there looking down with love,
Praying for intercession from above.

Hitting bottom, something changed.
Tortured soul no longer deranged.
I remembered the beauty in her face,
That I came from a happy place.

The lightning above now inspiration,
To abandon this weak, watery temptation.
Through twelve feet I struggled to rise,
The angel answering my new cries.

An eternity spent without breath,
Blacking out on the verge of death,
Finally floundering to the blessed air,
Limbs trembling, but without despair.

I somehow pulled myself up to the path,
That two minutes ago felt my wrath.
Now felt nothing but loathing disgust,
Having broken my own sacred trust.

Struggling on to hard park bench,
The storm could do no more to drench,
No fury was left in a single bone,
I was finally ready to atone.

I could never again lose control,
Never let anger blind my soul.
No more to fight, time to remake,
Reborn within a parkside lake.

Returning soaked at four in the morning,
My parents gave a concerned warning,
The hazards of being out in a storm.
Then brought some coffee to keep me warm.

I'll always remember what happened tonight, laying with you in the moonlight. With stars in your eyes and the wind in your hair, such a beautiful sight.

Your fingers felt so perfect and small, when lost in the size of my calloused paw. I loved the way your toes would wander, picking up slack when we would stall.

You marked this day in my history, when I heard you whisper words that were me. It was so hard not to whisper back, so hard to set myself free.

I could feel your heat just beneath the skin, melting my will so ever thin. It wasn't long before I let go, I wanted it to begin.

The slide of slick summer sweat, your taste as good as it could get. It wasn't what I had planned, but hold no regret.

Just the lovely lust of two kindred, no faith, no pride, no heart injured. No exceptions, excuses, or concessions made, no religion plundered.

This was just you and I, ignoring all but stars in the sky. This was just you and yours, corrupting me and my.

Tonight you broke my every rule, tonight the first I've enjoyed school. You certainly are one of a kind, for you I'll play the fool.

Often times I wish to go,
To flee far from these city lights.
Often times I wish to roam,
Lay on my back, these starry nights.

And so I do, for this is freedom,
The choice is yours and mine.
As heat dies and streetlights hum,
The sun will cease to shine.

Retreat now, no, not flee,
The city fades to but a speck.
Tires hum, and every tree,
Blurs past while on this trek.

Highway turns to country road,
Asphalt gives way to gravel.
It matters not what is below,
Nor which way is traveled.

North, south, east, or west,
They all lead to perfect places.
Into the darkness, heaven's chest,
Away from familiar spaces.

The engine stops, darkness stares,
Reaching this destination.
The night sounds fill the air,
Sparking fascination.

Moonlit sights fill it all,
With gentle shadows cast.
Beauty found as darkness falls,
Heartbeats thumping fast.

Fireflies dance in the fields,
As beauty multiplies.
But this not all the darkness yields,
You have yet to see the skies.

Lay a blanket out on the bed,
Less you begin to float away.
Let silence calm the weary head,
There is little left to say.

Upon your back, just gaze up,
There is nothing more to do.
A night here is just enough,
Let it speak to you.

Infinity stretches on,
Unfathomable to our being.
So many stars here and beyond,
Far past our own seeing.

A million dots on heaven's floor,
They twinkle and they shine.
Oh so many, many more,
Impossible to define.

Events come back into perspective,
Quarrels seem so small.
For here there is but one directive,
To live and love it all.

Beyond the beauty, something waits,
I know not for you, but I.
Passing through the iron gates,
Finding depth within the sky.

Insignificance, boldly stark,
Does it not make you quake?
We are but specks in the dark,
Fearing each benign mistake.

We run about, timing life,
What is this breakneck pace?
A marble filled with toils of strife,
Careening off through space.

Staring up to infinity,
Does it not seem insane?
Man's ego, what such fallacy,
Cringing once again.

Introspection yields such truth,
But tires out the mind.
Innocence is not just of youth,
It is only hard to find.

This is where peace is found,
Where fear and nerves find rest.
This the place where silence resounds,
Where hearts find an open nest.

Snap back to the moment,
Feel again the here and now.
Watch slowly, peaceful movements,
As each star takes a bow.

The moonlight greets you as a friend,
Starlight endowed in your eyes.
And though you know it soon must end,
These are not the final goodbyes.

Roll up the dewdrop blanket,
Stow it back away.
It is time to collect the bet,
To face it all but never sway.

One last look up to heaven,
As the night time music plays.
Incredible nights, such gifts given,
Just perfect to star gaze.



For Brittany

This sunlight has traveled ninety-three million miles just to glow golden in your hair. There is not a more beautiful place it could have landed.

Withered wings of wanting height,
Soon to die for love of flight.
Here to sound the dreaded call,
Here the reaping at the fall.

We hurried here and quickened there,
But lost our calm to unkept hair.
The goals of all so soon let go,
Unraveled in the wanton glow.

The sound of space roars silent here,
The deafening answer to our turned ear.
Narry again comes the dreaded call,
Bittersweet love to lose the fall.

We shouted and cried with all we had,
Trials and tribulations driving mad.
Formidable strength too young to fail,
Sent packing down through winding trail.

The scent of shame soon loses taste,
Now accustomed to our normal waste.
Few echoes left of binding call,
Few echoes left to remember at all.

The golden light dawns yet again,
Past westward reapings troubled then,
The dirt and ash falls to the floor,
Fiery wings take flight once more.

I get jealous.
When I hear the words, I fear the words.
Hold it in, bury it deep, hide it far below.
Hope to God my secret keep, hiding in the shadow.
Can’t let it out, can’t let you know,
Never will I live it down.
It strings me along, to the ground, drowns me true and slow.
Asking why it bothers does nothing but perturb.
Better not to question, better not disturb,
Better to ignore the feelings, to lock them deep away.
I must ignore this mockery, must not break the seal,
Deep inside they must remain, can’t admit the way I feel.
I wish you’d stop saying the words, wish I didn’t listen.
If only it were so easy, if only, if only then.
I wish they weren’t such a sound, I wish that they were written.
Then I could simply burn them, light a fire, watch them rise.
Maybe then I could escape the words,
This jealousy I feel inside.

It's the slip and the slide,
The warmth inside,
The taste of you on my tongue.

The tangle of hair,
The skin ever fair,
The taste of night to come.

It's the willing and ready,
The sturdy and steady,
Time to take the dive.

Wild and free,
One with me,
Connected and alive.

Round after round,
Making sounds,
Clutching together tight.

Heart to heart,
My counterpart,
Making love at night.

Prove to me,
Hold to me,
Show me who you are.

Open yourself,
Your physical wealth,
Find your place within my heart.

Dance to the sound,
Clothes on the ground,
Ride with confidence.

Let it out,
Let it shout,
Make known your presence.

Slow and steady,
Willing and ready,
Put your hand in mine.

Hold out your heart,
Don't keep us apart,
It is time to cross the line.

Something there, beneath her skin,
Begged me to come nearer.
I've never been able to quite decide,
What it was that made me want her.

Perhaps it was the way the wind,
Would toy with her golden hair.
The curls and twirls of all her beauty,
Envy not lost on the summer air.

Maybe even it was the sound,
Of her laughter across the room.
So light and lively, full of life,
Never fails to set the mood.

Then again, that flashing smile,
And the way she giggled at me.
It might have been something within,
Always trying to set me free.

I suppose it might have been the hush,
That would take a room by surprise.
People would stop for just a moment,
The moment she stepped inside.

Looking back, I know now,
That I might never know the cause.
For all the kisses spent and smiles lost,
I am glad I knew her for who she was.

I know you are there, somewhere.
I believe you must exist.
All my life I've dreamed of you,
All my life I've hit and missed.

Goals each come easy to me,
Never failing to score my desires.
Yet love has come and gone with years,
Continuous cycle of sparks and fires.

Working hard to become myself,
To be someone worth needing or wanting.
I knew that if I loved myself first,
You might see someone worth loving.

Through all the worlds that I have achieved,
I've learned I don't do it for myself.
The hours in iron, in the books, on the field,
They weren't for me, but for someone else.

They were all for you, for you,
Whose name I do not yet know.
Everything I have built or achieved,
Was only just for show.

It was to make me the person I am today,
The man now armed to love.
It was to show me who I needed finding,
To build character worth dreaming of.

I know my campaign to soon bear fruit,
For how can I, or you, so quickly fail?
We've made it this far, we've tried so hard,
Both taking the less beaten trail.

Every mouth we have kissed,
Every lover held in the night,
Each has only been practice, for you and I,
Each that we might get it right.

So come to me my love,
My anticipation weighs heavy.
I've practiced years for you, and only you,
Come and find me ready.

I don't need your love.
I don't need you around.
I would survive just fine without you.
You aren't what causes my heart to beat,
You are not the air within my lungs.
Sleep comes easily on my own.
My responsibilities are not yours.
I don't need you tonight,
I won't need you tomorrow.
I don't need your love.
And I don't need you.

No, I do not.

Instead, I want your love.
I want you around,
You enrich my every day.
I want you to be there to hear my heart,
I want you to be there to laugh with me.
I want to feel you sleep beside me, your hair tangled in my face.
I want to share the world with you.
Instead, I want you tonight.
I will want you tomorrow.
I want your love.
And I want you.

I will be fine without you. But I'll be so much better with you.

I never figured out how to stop loving.
It seems to come so easily to some.
One day they can be enamored, devoted,
Readily professing their love for you,
Then the next day, act as though a stranger.
I never learned how to do that.
I never figured out how to stop caring,
Thinking
Dreaming
Wanting
Needing.
I never figured out how to stop loving you.

The tears have started dropping now, each with a silver “plink.”
Ignored too long, sequestered away, eventually rain must fall.
I watch the steady streams grow, finding furrows in your face.
Like farmer’s fields in springtime rain, running warm and raw.
I wish you didn’t hurt so much. I wish that I could ease your pain.
Someday I hope to hold your heart, I hope to wipe your tears away.
It seems to me a tragedy that such beautiful tears should ever fall.
How dare this world bring you to tears, how dare it make you grey.
How dare the silence echo loud, ripping into your warm soul.
I curse the way the doubts surround you, the way they keep out the light.
Horrid dreams of despair and doubt should never bother your heart,
It is obvious that there is no justice, knowing you can’t find peace within the night.
I find anger in my eyes when I think at all that wrongs you,
Dreaming of times when I might find a way to **** the sadness.
To defeat your demons is all I want, I wish to wield the sword.
I want to stand beside you, in battles fought, fending off the madness.
Maybe then you won’t need to cry and I won’t need to wipe your tears.
Maybe then we might be happy, perhaps smiling despite the all.
For now, I will wait, watching your silken silver tears fall down.
I hope you find a peace within yourself, happiness when spring turns to fall.

I feel alone again.

I don’t know why this feeling grips me sometimes, unexpectedly leaping out at me from empty beds, tables for two with a single chair, solo bench presses, and duets on the radio.

I don’t understand why the people I’m with don’t comfort me, I don’t understand why I imagine isolation. They surround me and hug me and hold my hand, but I still cannot relate – I don’t feel a unity. Their hand in mine is intangible to my mind, an empty promise and unfulfilled expectation.

A depression grips my heart. This is the kind of sadness that comes with disappointment, in knowing that the potential for something brilliant came speeding towards you, slowed down slightly, and then waved as it went on by. My heart was reaching out, hopeful beyond hope despite it all, only to be let down. It gets harder and harder to take a risk – harder and harder to believe in opportunity.

I feel alone again.

I can poor out my thoughts, my worries, my dreams into someone’s hands and feel empty still. I still feel misunderstood and uncared for, alone and isolated. It seems to me a kind of arrogance – how dare I feel alone? How dare I feel a crushing weight or sadness when on paper, outside my mind, my life is a dream? How dare I be ungrateful for what I am?

I struggle to even mention my loneliness. It only finds body in words when spilled into a glass of whiskey and tears. My pain only finds light in ***** soaked voices and in barely literate post-party writings.

I ignore the pain when I am sober. Only then does logic prevail – only then does mind tell my heart to cease its petulant pleads for attention. Only in sobriety does the loneliness find itself shut into a box, a chest, and locked away deep inside. Only in sobriety can I hold it in.

And so, naturally, I do not drink. I don’t like that whiskey gives voice to my thoughts of despair. I don’t like the fact that people can finally see how I feel – I don’t want them to know. Nobody needs to bear the weight of my horror, my sadness, and my doubt. Nobody else needs to hold what is my responsibility and mine alone.

I charge through life, a façade of happiness, never removing my mask. I set myself for the highest aims and the greatest goals that I might forget the pettiness of my heart. I surround myself with those that adore me, friends that would give of themselves for my good. Nobody will suspect me. If, in one of the whiskey nights and champagne mornings, a hint of my mental state should drop, they will look at me. They will wonder how a person with a life such as mine, friends such as mine, a future such as mine could possibly feel alone. Hopefully they will disregard their suspicions and assign guilt to the bottle.

Hopefully they will see me happy and full of life and love.

Hopefully they will witness my charade,

And forego the questioning.