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I feel alone again.

I don’t know why this feeling grips me sometimes, unexpectedly leaping out at me from empty beds, tables for two with a single chair, solo bench presses, and duets on the radio.

I don’t understand why the people I’m with don’t comfort me, I don’t understand why I imagine isolation. They surround me and hug me and hold my hand, but I still cannot relate – I don’t feel a unity. Their hand in mine is intangible to my mind, an empty promise and unfulfilled expectation.

A depression grips my heart. This is the kind of sadness that comes with disappointment, in knowing that the potential for something brilliant came speeding towards you, slowed down slightly, and then waved as it went on by. My heart was reaching out, hopeful beyond hope despite it all, only to be let down. It gets harder and harder to take a risk – harder and harder to believe in opportunity.

I feel alone again.

I can poor out my thoughts, my worries, my dreams into someone’s hands and feel empty still. I still feel misunderstood and uncared for, alone and isolated. It seems to me a kind of arrogance – how dare I feel alone? How dare I feel a crushing weight or sadness when on paper, outside my mind, my life is a dream? How dare I be ungrateful for what I am?

I struggle to even mention my loneliness. It only finds body in words when spilled into a glass of whiskey and tears. My pain only finds light in ***** soaked voices and in barely literate post-party writings.

I ignore the pain when I am sober. Only then does logic prevail – only then does mind tell my heart to cease its petulant pleads for attention. Only in sobriety does the loneliness find itself shut into a box, a chest, and locked away deep inside. Only in sobriety can I hold it in.

And so, naturally, I do not drink. I don’t like that whiskey gives voice to my thoughts of despair. I don’t like the fact that people can finally see how I feel – I don’t want them to know. Nobody needs to bear the weight of my horror, my sadness, and my doubt. Nobody else needs to hold what is my responsibility and mine alone.

I charge through life, a façade of happiness, never removing my mask. I set myself for the highest aims and the greatest goals that I might forget the pettiness of my heart. I surround myself with those that adore me, friends that would give of themselves for my good. Nobody will suspect me. If, in one of the whiskey nights and champagne mornings, a hint of my mental state should drop, they will look at me. They will wonder how a person with a life such as mine, friends such as mine, a future such as mine could possibly feel alone. Hopefully they will disregard their suspicions and assign guilt to the bottle.

Hopefully they will see me happy and full of life and love.

Hopefully they will witness my charade,

And forego the questioning.
Fleshing out some thoughts and ideas. As always, not necessarily an accurate representation of how I feel.
The tears have started dropping now, each with a silver “plink.”
Ignored too long, sequestered away, eventually rain must fall.
I watch the steady streams grow, finding furrows in your face.
Like farmer’s fields in springtime rain, running warm and raw.
I wish you didn’t hurt so much. I wish that I could ease your pain.
Someday I hope to hold your heart, I hope to wipe your tears away.
It seems to me a tragedy that such beautiful tears should ever fall.
How dare this world bring you to tears, how dare it make you grey.
How dare the silence echo loud, ripping into your warm soul.
I curse the way the doubts surround you, the way they keep out the light.
Horrid dreams of despair and doubt should never bother your heart,
It is obvious that there is no justice, knowing you can’t find peace within the night.
I find anger in my eyes when I think at all that wrongs you,
Dreaming of times when I might find a way to **** the sadness.
To defeat your demons is all I want, I wish to wield the sword.
I want to stand beside you, in battles fought, fending off the madness.
Maybe then you won’t need to cry and I won’t need to wipe your tears.
Maybe then we might be happy, perhaps smiling despite the all.
For now, I will wait, watching your silken silver tears fall down.
I hope you find a peace within yourself, happiness when spring turns to fall.
I need to thank you, faithful friend,
For all the worry watched.
For every night you’ve been at my side,
For every danger that you caught.

I cannot escape you,
Following my path to the end.
If only I could see you,
If only I could talk to you, my friend.

I wonder what you think of me,
Watching my toils and strife.
I wonder if you believe in me,
If you think I live a worthwhile life.

It pains me to think that you look on,
Distaste at my every decision.
I hate to think you deem me lost,
That I’m unfocused in my mission.

If you cry when I fall,
The ground is soaked and wet.
Does admonishment fill your face,
When past lessons I forget?

Do you silently scream at me,
Berating with silent roar,
When I choose to fall and fail again,
Or when I lose my path once more?

Does frustration grip you,
Are you stuck with me forever?
Do you hate me now,
Does anger tingle in every feather?

I know that I fall often,
I know you save me from even more.
I hope that you don’t hate me,
I hope patience ushers forth.

Thank you for following me,
Thank you for not taking flight.
I’m glad to call you a friend,
Guardian angel in the night.
Hello Darkness, my old friend,
The self-doubt that comes creeping in.
Hello Darkness, fickle and fiendish,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Ambition, my old mentor,
The hunger that has me ceasing never.
Hello Ambition, controlling and unending,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Fear, my old companion,
The sickness that feeds my abandon.
Hello Fear, raw and uncut,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Anger, my old lover,
The fire that never sated hunger.
Hello Anger, lean and strong,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Lust, my old partner,
The taste that pushed me harder.
Hello Lust, empty and rich,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Love, my old *****,
The red and gold double edged sword.
Hello Love, lying and cheating,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Night, my old mother,
The love for which I killed another.
Hello Night, deceitful and peaceful,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Envy, my old rival,
The burning need for my survival.
Hello Envy, cold and hard,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Curse, my old bride,
The one who eats away my pride.
Hello Curse, persistent and pursuant,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Gluttony, my old coach,
The pain that ate away my hope.
Hello Gluttony, empty and barren,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Pride, my old brother,
I love you more than the others.
Hello Pride, full and robust,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Darkness, my oldest of friends.
It was from you that I was born.
Hello Darkness, come to swallow me again,
From the light I am torn.
Self-doubt and sadness
I wander lost in wondering lust,
Following a stream to the source.
Lick my lips and take your hips,
Yearning bodies take their course.

I travel on gravel dawns,
Making a journey every morn.
Take flight after every night,
Satisfied and reborn.

I light flames and write names,
Ignoring social stigma.
Follow their trail without fail,
I seek out each enigma.
Where once was joy, lies sadness now,
Where elation used to soar.
Where once was anticipation and excitement,
Now empty, gone, no more.

The trap has closed around me,
The snares tangle my feet.
No more to fight, I can’t resist,
The claws are buried deep.

Straitjacket and gag is my reward,
What did I do to earn this garb?
Sedated on the surgeons table,
They’re trying to remove my heart.

I came only with good intentions,
Asking not for any such pain.
I feel each incision at distance,
A trickle of pride circling the drain.

How long before they rend me open,
How long will I resist defeat?
I thought myself stronger than this,
Perhaps the curse did marry me.

I can feel their hands inside me,
Searching through my gaping chest.
Clawing, clinging, wrenching, grasping,
Why did mother say they knew best?

Why can’t I continue the way I was?
What is so wrong with who I am?
Why does everyone feel the need,
To bind my mouth and hands?

Finally they have found my heart,
Their hands are firmly grasping.
Pulling, pulling, a ******* gasp,
Let me be is all I’m asking!

The veins and arteries strain,
My soul puts up a fight.
But I can’t resist the ways of God,
I’m no match for the surgeon’s knife.

They put it in a box, a chest,
I see them lock it with a key.
They are off to bury both,
Stealing the essence of me.

Gone now is my spirit,
Gone now is my fight.
Forever ended is my battle,
Hidden away in earth and night.

The audience around me roars,
My mother cheers, “They’ve done it!”
Only a few look on with somber eyes,
They know this is not what I wanted.

In my chest they place a new heart,
This one of white, marbled stone.
“You’ll be okay son, this is best,
Eventually we all must atone.”

Resignation fills me,
Resistance fully comes to an end.
I suppose I must make the best of it,
I suppose I’ll continue to pretend.

Here I lay in a room of white,
Innocence, clean and pure.
I close my eyes and listen close,
But my heart beats no more.
It's the slip and the slide,
The warmth inside,
The taste of you on my tongue.

The tangle of hair,
The skin ever fair,
The taste of night to come.

It's the willing and ready,
The sturdy and steady,
Time to take the dive.

Wild and free,
One with me,
Connected and alive.

Round after round,
Making sounds,
Clutching together tight.

Heart to heart,
My counterpart,
Making love at night.

Prove to me,
Hold to me,
Show me who you are.

Open yourself,
Your physical wealth,
Find your place within my heart.

Dance to the sound,
Clothes on the ground,
Ride with confidence.

Let it out,
Let it shout,
Make known your presence.

Slow and steady,
Willing and ready,
Put your hand in mine.

Hold out your heart,
Don't keep us apart,
It is time to cross the line.
Written a few months ago.
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