Nathan Porter

Nathan Porter Oct 2017

If ever there was
A younger me
Whose ambitions
Once taller than the tallest tree
I’d like to ask that younger I
What exactly he thought of me

And perhaps he’d look into my eyes
And see the guilt of my past
Perhaps he’d see within my gaze
The burning pain, the blazing wrath.

And possibly
That younger me
Would know exactly what to say
And he would look once more at me
And tell me, “Stay,”
“Stay alive, stay aloft, carried on the love of your self.”
But I have no such love, perhaps I’d reply
And that is when he’d look once more in my eyes.

“You’re hurting inside, your pain is beyond.
“Aching within, I cannot stare long
“Your eyes are as maelstroms, they completely confound
“And I see now that you failed to stay strong.”

You’ve seen to the heart of the matter, my friend
Perhaps you see now why I do not fear my end.
“You seek to die?”
No, I merely do not care that I’m at risk of it.
“You don’t seek to live.”
Not any longer than is my fate.
“You do not see what is clear to me.”
Do tell, myself, why don’t you tell me?
“If you seek to cease life, you’re still killing yourself.”
That’s confident of you, my small little friend
Why would you believe I’m searching for my end?
“Because, Older me, I know you better than most.”
“And I pray that forgiveness will be ours from the Heavenly Host.”

Nathan Porter Oct 2017

Untitled

You were never mine
I treated you so, although
You are not a mine
for golden love that brightly shines so

I only truly knew you
After I released myself from you

I handed you all my breath
To calm you down
And give you health
I showed you your own crown
And you commanded with zealous craft

I thought I was helping
I thought it was worth it
But I see no fruit forthcoming
No way to tell what I’d tried had been accomplished.

I made the effort,
I gave every ounce of me
But I received no recourse
No helping hand from thee.

Nathan Porter Oct 2017

Generic Sad Title

The person was lonely.
This person was unused to such a feeling.
The person was solemnly
Studying their bedroom ceiling.

If the person looked hard enough
They could see another’s face
If the person ignored the life that was rough
They could ignore their fall from grace.

The other’s face mocked them so
It teased and prodded the human
It made their face go all aglow
as rage grew deep down within

But the rage withered
and the sorrow conquered
And the contemplative human
Knew he was still not a man.

He rose and fell down once again
His body rendered useless as it had been.

Struck down by the face that mocked his very being
The one he’d promised all to
The one he thought that he could believe in
The one he knew could’ve flew
If only she’d chosen to be within
His heart as well as his home.

But he lost his faith,
his body and soul broken
****** away by a terrible wraith

His mind, usually so outspoken,
chose to reside within instead.

He lived within his broken body
His soul not much better off.
And when one night she came back dripping
There was no one there to dry her off.

She’d left and he’d sent his soul away after
For he knew he could not take it anymore
For she could never how how madly he was enraptured
and how quickly his body faded, dangerous and sure.

Nathan Porter Sep 2017

Who needs love?

The least ignorant
know the answer intrinsically.

The commoner knows little
But asks barely and distantly
When they do bother to wonder aloud.

And if someone is curious enough to ask too many a time
The crowd points them out and cries out "insanity!"

Nathan Porter Jun 2017

Explanation

I’m not asking for an excuse,
I’m not saying I feel abuse

But my mind and my soul
Lacking explanation, stay cold.

Surprises promised, love attached,
Care for me, explanations lack

You claim incapability,
You claim to not see me

Your explanations lack gravity
And truth is lacking as far as I can see

WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME?
WHAT’S WRONG, WHAT’S LACKING FROM ME?
HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG?
WHY CAN’T YOU SEE?
THIS ISN’T A JOKE
YOU’RE HURTING ME!

I regret yelling that,
But I know I can’t take it back
You tell me not to erase poetry,
But that isn’t me, that screaming banshee.

I should stop
Cease and desist
Overreaction
I just wish to be kissed

But I can’t stop overthinking
What do you mean?

Is there a reason you won’t meet my eyes?
Is there any possibility of lies?

I know the answer
Burning in me like a cancer

Killing my will
Trying harder still

Pining for your gaze,
You won’t meet my eyes
I try to count the ways
It’s possible that I’m despised

You laugh as you say it,
You won’t hold my only contact,
My heart still being crushed
Forced to be compact

Why is it funny?
What have I missed?
Why are you laughing?
What’s so funny about destroying my existence?

Not even a glance.
There wasn’t a chance
The lack of your eyes
Stabs like a lance

I don’t understand,
What’s the surprise?
What’s so important?
It matters more than my eyes?

My chest is burning
My throat in flames
Is there a reason?
An explanation for my pains?

An explanation would solve all
And save my heart, before it falls
I hear your name from my heart
As out for you it calls.
But I can’t cry
The tears refuse
But in your gaze
I wasn’t allowed refuge

Overthinking the whole thing
Of that I’m the king
You’d think by now my head would ring
With all the times, to you I cling

Overprotection is an excuse
Overreaction is the truth
The only real explanation
Is the shame that comes with my emancipation

Freedom leading to my demise
My words coming back, this time as cries

Nathan Porter Jun 2017

Scars

The literal marked difference,
My pleads you pay no deference
Your eyes so beautiful, brimming with pain
My worry unrestrained
You couldn’t ever know
How long the scars would show
You can see the marked difference
My pain matches yours
But my skin is unmarked,
Clean down to my pores
Despite my clear skin
To feel this is no win
To make a claim to pain
You must first understand the magnitude of mine
To emphasize is never fine,
if your pain is as acute as mine,
Superbly feeling every pain
I can understand your shame.
My eyes ever moist
I can understand your choice
For this pain requires distraction
And that leads to self destruction
But I don’t care about the normal pain
It's far less acute than this
My heart, it turns and twists
My pain transferred to wrists
No matter how much I may be missed
No matter my no more kiss
I can never again feel your bliss
I just can’t EVER HANDLE THIS
THIS WAS NEVER WHAT I WISHED
And your face is sadder now
I’ve left for good now
You seem to miss me as much as I knew you would
And I always knew you never could
Handle it when I left,
Your tearful face kills me more than the blood lost
As into another world I have crossed
I send my final goodbyes
A miniscule note
You don’t seem to realize
I never awoke
From the dream of our future,
I shattered it myself
Now you must put it away,
On a far distant shelf
Find another one, I urge
Someone who won’t come along and purge
Your emotions from you, my loving prince
Keep someone else here, with less of a price.

Nathan Porter Jun 2017

Best Friends

My mother’s best friends I never knew
Because I believe, no, I’m certain
that trust of other people she eschewed
As behind fake smiles she hid her pain behind a curtain

My own best friends, I ever called my allies
But I was a child then, and I gave them no fights

My new best friends, among them, my bestest.
I seem to fight rarely, but that could always change
To ask them for help, my always request.
But maybe it’s time to expand my range.

Maybe one day I’ll have newer best friends
And with them I’ll achieve childhood again.

But perhaps my greatest dream is to make friends of my enemies
Because if being around them changes from bitter chilled freeze
To a whole, nice, summer breeze
Perhaps I would never treat my true friends unkindly

But even beyond that
For my daughter of the future
For my lovely little girl
I will make pals of the monsters under the bed
Just so she can sleep smiling, as stories to her are read.