this feels as before
as I used to be
staring at the ground
following whoever is in front
never feeling strong enough to lead
as I once was
before my confidence was lifted
and now it's crushed
I'm engulfed in a hole
trying to crawl out but
always being beaten down again
can't escape this
want to be free from the feelings
that are eating my heart
making me hate and never
ever a joy within it

giggle fits erupt
tears fall helplessly without
meaning or any sense
hard to breathe through
the fog of confusion
clouding my mind as
the rest fills with
heavy water
makes it slow
all so funny and all so light
it drains through my ears
letting me lift like a balloon
hot inside
I'm burning
I'm laughing
giggling
can't stop flying, please
I want off this now
let me down fill me
with water douse the flames
can't stop crying
sobbing
please please please
help
I want to stop

my heart stopped beating
as the news filed through the phone
told not to worry
i can't breathe can't think
food tastes like ash
cigarettes taste like relief
information is slow to come
and tears quickly flow
nothing is making sense
crying is simply too easy
why now and here
she wouldn't let me be there
the wait is worse
can't pray to a god
no hope is breaching
only left to wonder

What's wrong with me?
the only difference I see
between her and I,
besides how well I fit you
and how I make you laugh,
the things we share.
Of course the subtle flirting glances
that say so much to me.
What's wrong with me?
Well, I know she's just
that much prettier than me,
each time you choose
her, each time you touch her
Yet you deny the sparks
the possibilities
and the simple joy of what could
be us.
What's wrong with that?

She's got this body
like a dancer who sways and twists
just a simple form that is
beyond grace

She smells like a sunny day
filled with pleasured hours
I want to bury myself between her *******
and let it cover me completely

She has tangled hair
like a bird's nest, only much more
and I wish to dig my fingers in it
to set the birds free

She's never sung but I know
that I would melt at the sound
that I would cry at the power
that I would fall in love again and again

sick of fear
the dreams of nothing
not of death or failure
this silence
numbing to the bone
chilling me down
seeing everything and
screaming so loudly yet
no noise
silence envelops me
fear grips a racing heart
attempts to speak
to yell
to anything
shaking in the still air
fearing it
fearing it

Dear Pillow,

I'm sorry for all the tears
as of late, I've not...
I've not had the best of days
or weeks
I know you're used to it;
all the whines, cries, excuses
but I want you to know
that I apologize for
this mistreatment and damage
seeing as you're a comfort
and I hope you'll continue
in all my heart breaks,
my frightened nature,
and uncertain dreams.

                 Sincerely,