Mi primer amor tenía doce años y uñas negras.
Mi primer amor tiene ojos grandes y una sonrisa de cachete a cachete,
Aunque nunca te miraba a los ojos,
Y nunca sonreía en fotos.
Mi primer amor me rompio el corazón.
Lo fue sacando de pedazo en pedazo,
Y yo la deje…
En autos, en parques, en cines,
Me entregue.

1) Because your eyes looked like new beginnings, like adventures just waiting to happen
2) Because your lips were begging to be kissed, between the singing and the sighs and the moans
3) Because as I lay my head on your chest while you slept, it didn't bother me that your heartbeat was loud, and God was it ******* loud
4) Because it was you, just you, in the numbers, in the art, even in the breakfast cereal
5) Because it was even you in my breakfast cereal
6) Because the first time you caressed my skin I swore you could hear my blood rushing throughout my whole body
7) Because I wanted you so much closer
8) Because it was never close enough
9) Because even the closest would never be "close enough"
10) Because you always hugged me as if it were the first time you saw me again
11) Because you always hugged me as if it were the last time you'd see me
12) Because your skin on mine reminded me of a dad who used to watch scary movies on the couch with me, until one day I simply didn't fit/anymore
13) Because the tip of my index finger was drawn to the freckles on your nose like two opposite ends of the same magnet
14) Because I never understood Physics until that moment

I wake up to your snoring at 3 am,
I want to wake you but my mother taught me to not put my hands on what I consider precious,
Instead I reminisce on poems written about you so many years ago and cuddle under your arm,
Knowing it won't disturb your peaceful state

I remember every kiss we ever kissed, you kissed me 1,923 times, I remember our first kiss and I remember our last kiss and every single kiss in between, I remember that night when I was standing in the middle of the street and your parents were waiting for you back at home and I looked you in the eyes and I told you I could die exactly that moment and I wouldn't regret a single thing, I remember when we were in the park, and I was crying because I knew you were leaving soon, you kissed me on every single bench, beneath every single  tree, I remember the kiss that was suppose to be our last, you shouldn't have come back, but I don't remember every kiss I kissed trying to replace yours, I don't remember the names of all those people who touched my skin underneath our moonlight, amidst our bedsheets, but I remember us on those stairs, I had been in love with you for months by then, my hand was shaking and I leaned in and just as you had time to acknowledge what happened, I left, I cried that night, I don't know why, maybe I knew what was coming, I remember how you told me you never thought you would not want to kiss me, well it’s been two years since our meeting at the Great Wall of China, don’t come back this time...

THE PILLS THEY GAVE ME AREN'T MAKING YOU GO AWAY TONIGHT, YOU'RE STILL HERE AND AT TIMES I WONDER IF I ONLY PUT YOU AWAY TO TAKE YOU BACK OUT ON NIGHTS LIKE THESE, I'M SO ******* IN LOVE WITH YOU IT HURTS MY CHEST, EVERYTHING'S BLURRY AND I MISS YOU AND I CAN'T FEEL MY INSIDES, IS THIS WHAT FALLING OUT OF LOVE FEELS LIKE, SOMETIMES I THINK OUR FIRST LOVE STAYS WITH US FOREVER AND WE'RE JUST SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE TO FULFILL THAT SPACE BUT WE'LL NEVER FIND THEM BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST, I FEEL LIKE JUST YESTERDAY I LOST YOU, I LOVED YOU TO THE BRINK OF INSANITY

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU, IT'S THAT I ONCE MET A GIRL WHO RIPPED MY HEART OUT OF MY CHEST AND IT'S STILL AN OPEN WOUND, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU IT'S THAT MY MOM STILL YEARNED FOR MY DAD YEARS AFTER HE WAS GONE, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU IT'S THAT YOU HAVE SWEET BROWN EYES THAT MAKE ME WANT TO HOLD YOU BUT I'M SCARED, SO ******* SCARED, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU, IT'S THAT YOU DESERVE ALL THE AFFECTIONS IN THE WORLD AND I'M NOT SURE I CAN GIVE YOU ANYTHING MORE THAN SIMPLY MEDIOCRE, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU IT'S THAT EVERY TIME WE SPEAK I'M ENTHRALLED BY EVERYTHING YOU SAY, ALWAYS LEFT AT A LOSS OF WORDS, AS IF ALL THE ONES I'D EVER LEARNED HAD SUDDENLY LOST IT'S MEANING, YET NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFUL THE SENTENCES COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WERE, ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS MEETING THEM MID-SENTENCE, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU, IT'S THAT YOU'RE THE KIND OF GIRL THAT CHANGES LIVES, THAT DRIVES STARS AND BEAT HEARTS AND I'M INSANE, BUT ONLY INSANELY WANTING TO HOLD YOUR HAND, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU IT'S THAT WITHOUT YOUR COSMIC IMPORTANCE THERE'D BE NO POETRY TO BE WRITTEN, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU IT'S THAT THE LAST PERSON WHO TRIED TO FIX ME LEFT WITH CALLOUS-FILLED-HANDS AND NO ENCHANTMENT, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU, IT'S THAT I CAN'T

The first boy after you told me that pain wasn't real,
Just a figment of our imagination,
So I cut deeper,
I stretched bigger,
I ****** harder,
and when the doctor asked me to rate my pain on a scale of 1-10
I always answered 0,
but when my mom asked about you,
When we happened to cross paths in the hallways,
It was a ten,
It was always a **** ten,
every single ******* time

Don't fall in love with the guy who knows how to touch you
He'll just start to pick and choose what places he prefers
and before you notice it it'll be months since your tummy has felt loved
years since your knees have been caressed with kisses
and your scars will forget the feeling of another's person fingertips running up along them
you used to be my gamma rays
you went through my membrane, through all the other science concepts I could never concentrate on because of you
you brushed past my DNA
changed my genetic material so that no matter how many years had passed it would still be you
still you I imagined touching me when it was midnight and I was in bed with some boy who was in love with some other girl
the first time you touched me you touched me with the purpose of getting to know every inch of me
because you said

I remember every kiss we ever kissed, you kissed me 1,923 times, I remember our first kiss and I remember our last kiss and every single kiss in between, I remember that time that night when I was standing in the middle of the street and your parents were waiting for you back at home and I looked you in the eyes and I told you I could die exactly that moment and I wouldn't regret a single thing, I remember when we were in the park, and I was crying because I knew you were leaving soon, you kissed me on every single bench, beneath every single  tree, I remember the kiss that was suppose to be our last, you shouldn't have come back, but I don't remember every kiss I kissed trying to replace yours, I don't remember the names of all those people who touched my skin, but I remember us on those stairs, I had been in love with you for months by then, my hand was shaking and I leaned in and just as you had time to acknowledge what happened I left, I cried that night, I don't know why, maybe I knew what was coming, I remember how you told me you never thought you would not want to kiss me,

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GONE, I'VE MISSED YOU EVERY DAY SINCE YOU LEFT, SOMETIMES I SMELL YOU ON THE PEOPLE AT THE STORE, I'M SLOWLY FORGETTING WHAT YOU SMELLED OF, WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN MONTHS, I HOPE WHOEVER YOU'RE WITH RIGHT NOW APPRECIATES YOU, I HOPE THEY DON'T DRIVE YOU INSANE, I HOPE THEY KISS YOU UNTIL IT'S PERFECT, I HOPE YOU LOVE THEM MORE THAN YOU COULD'VE EVER LOVED ME, I STILL WRITE ABOUT YOU, I STILL LOOK FOR YOU IN EMPTY PARK BENCHES, I STILL ALMOST TEXT YOU WHEN I HAVE NIGHTMARES, OH GOD I MISS YOU, I'M GIVING AWAY ALL YOUR STUFF TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T IN LOVE WITH YOU, BUT SOMETIMES I DREAM ABOUT US, AND FOR A SPLIT SECOND BEFORE I WAKE UP I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN, AND AS IT FADES I TRY DESPERATELY TO HOLD ON, COME BACK AND TEACH ME HOW TO LET GO PLEASE, YOU MADE IT SEEM SO EASY, MAYBE IT'LL BE EASIER THE SECOND TIME AROUND, COME BACK, LEAVE, I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS TONIGHT

My mom always warned me to not make homes out of people,
I should've listened.
But somehow the way your hips felt while I held you in the middle of the street at 11 PM reminded me of my childhood home,
And it never snows in my hometown but you're beautiful like waking up to snow on Christmas morning,
Cold.
My father left when I was 7 and when you promised to stay I wanted to hold you,
But two months after that I asked you if you still loved me and you said not really,
It always hurts more the 2nd time around.
My psychologist told me to not let you complete me,
but I had this princess bed when I was 5 and I love you.
When I met you the house I lived in had crumbled to the ground,
So you took me to parks in an intent to make those my homes.
But little did you know that I knew every detail about the way you moved and I would've been able to trace you in pitch blackness.
When you left I remembered how when my mom saw my scars she cried.
She told me that although our family was small we were still a family.
After that I promised myself I would always smile at the homeless.
My runaway heart is still searching for its home in you

YOU HAVE SO MUCH LIGHT FLOWERS GROW TOWARD YOU, AND I WOULD TRUST YOU HANDLING THE ROOTS IN-BETWEEN MY RIBCAGES AND I HOPE YOUR FINGERNAILS FILL UP WITH DIRT AND THEY TALK YOU INTO FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME, AND I HOPE YOU KISS ME AS IF YOU WERE A BEE AND I WAS THE ONE FLOWER THAT GREW THROUGH THUNDERSTORMS JUST TO FEEL YOU AGAINST ME, THE PETALS TOLD ME YOU DO, AND I ONCE READ YOU CAN'T GROW FLOWERS WITH FISTS SO I'LL HOLD YOU INSTEAD INTO WHATEVER YOU MAY GROW, WITH TEARS AND SIGHS REPLACING SUNSHINE AND WATER, AND WHEREVER THE WIND MAY TAKE YOU REMEMBER THERES A STEM BELOW ME WITH YOUR NAME ON IT THAT KEEPS ME WAITING

107,602,707,791, that's the number of people who have ever lived,
but you tell me there's never been anyone quite like me,
4,949,724,558,386, that's how many chromosomes have rusted along this planet's edge until they found the perfect combition along your DNA,
53,801,353,895, that's how many couples could have happened, would have happened, maybe even should've happened,
6.7% of people in the world are depressed, have been depressed, will be depressed,
107,602,707,791 times 6.7%,
that's 7,209,381,422 people who haven't met you,
I'm no mathematician but you're in all the numbers of my body

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT YOU, SOMETIMES I WANT TO KISS YOU, GOD YOU'RE SO PRETTY WHEN YOU WEAR YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT, HOLD MY HAND PLEASE, SNORT COKE WITH ME AND KISS ME SO THAT THE STARS AND THE ASTEROIDS WILL WONDER WHAT THEIR PURPOSE IN LIFE IS, I WISH YOU WOULD WISH I WAS THERE, LETS MAKE BUTTERFLIES CRAWL IN THROUGH OUR EARS, LETS DESTROY THE PLACES WHERE ALL THOSE PEOPLE FELL OUT OF LOVE, LETS SKIP SCHOOL AND GO WRITE POETRY BY THAT LAKE, I'LL PROMISE I'LL BE GOOD TO YOU, CAUSE I'VE HAD SOME ISSUES BUT THE PLANTS HAVE HELPED ME GET THROUGH THEM AND IF YOU WERE A MERMAID, I WOULD DROWN FOR JUST A CHANCE TO WITNESS YOUR KIND OF BEAUTY, SPILL OUT YOUR ROOTS TO ME, I PROMISE I WILL GROW THEM INTO BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS, I PROMISE I WILL HOLD THEM UNTIL THEY CAN STAND BY THEMSELVES, WE'RE NOT SUPPOSE TO BE HERE, BUT HEY LOOK MY HAND IS AROUND YOUR WAIST AND I WOULDN'T PREFER TO BE ANYWHERE ELSE, I WISH YOU WOULD'VE STUCK AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO HAVE DONE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD WITH ME, LOVE ME WITH A LOVE THAT'S MORE THAN LOVE

Take me to the art museum and kiss me by the paintings, Take me to the deeper parts of the oceans, so deep that any coral reef will be jealous that we will survive, Take me to that little ice cream shop my parents use to go on dates to when they were hopelessly in love and I'll let you order your favorite ice cream, Take me to the Chinese restaurant where my schizophrenic grandmother use to take me on late night outings and I'll kiss you in every booth, take me to New Jersey, to that beach where your parents stood in the same room and introduced you to home, take me to your bed, talk to me about those parts of your body not everyone gets to meet, take me to an abandoned hospital and let me take your blood on a canvas and make it resemble the Mona Lisa, so that people years from now glorify us, take me to the hill where I first tried ******* and let's make our hearts beat in sync with the breath of the flowers surrounding us, take me to that bench in the school gym where we met and kiss me, kiss me like you've never kissed anyone before, kiss me as if it'll be the last lips you ever touch, kiss me as if your life depended on it, take me to the edge of the universe and I'll show you the end of my love.

I WILL MAKE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHERE OUR LIPS FELL MORE AND MORE IN LOVE WITH EVERY BRUSH. THE FLOWERS YOU BOUGHT ME DIED THE SAME DAY YET IT HAS BEEN 5 MONTHS AND THE FLOWERS YOU SPOKE INTO ME STILL REMINISCE IN MY RIBCAGE. I ALWAYS BRING YOUR **** CHEAP PRESENTS AND NON HEART FELT NOTES OUT OF MY CLOSET TO BURN THEM BUT I USUALLY END UP READING THEM ON LONELY NIGHTS WITH KISSES SHARED. I WISH I WOULD'VE LOVED THE NIGHT SKY HOW I LOVED YOU. THE ONLY THING YOU GAVE ME WERE LATE MIDNIGHT POEMS. I HOPE YOU THINK OF ME EVERY TIME YOU FEEL SOMEONE ELSES TOUCH. AND I HOPE YOUR BODY FILLS UP WITH GOOSEBUMPS KNOWING IT'S NOT ME.

I love every stretch mark on your body as if it were the last atom of hope to roam this universe
And the theory of the multiverse never made any sense until this sky couldn't hold all my love for you
And society is stupid, let's run away from it
To a place where you and me are all that exists
To a place where our kisses birth flowers that never feel the need to contemplate death
Where midnights spent with you
Will show a side I never knew
Two hands will hold a love so deep that the ocean will be be jealous
I will kiss your promises
I will love your inbetweens
I will care for you with the same carefulness I care for the flowers
I will write beautiful poetry about you  
I will kiss and I will hug and I will cry till I can't no more.  
This time I won't wish I would've done things differently

I CHAIN SMOKED 10 CIGARETTES THE OTHER DAY AND ON EACH ONE I WROTE A REASON WHY I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU, BUT 10 WEREN'T ENOUGH, I WAS HOPING THAT WITH EACH PUFF I WOULD FILTER YOU OUT OF MY SYSTEM, BUT YOU'RE STILL SWIMMING IN MY RED BLOOD CELLS, MAKING YOUR WAY TO THE DEEPEST CREVICES OF MY BEING, I SPEND $7.50 A DAY HOPING IT'LL WORK THIS TIME AROUND, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT INSANITY, YOU DO THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECT A DIFFERENT OUTCOME

THIS IS MY 3RD BLUNT YET I CAN STILL FEEL YOU IN EVERY BREATH I TAKE, ALL MY ******* POEMS ARE ABOUT YOU AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT, SO HERE'S A GO **** YOURSELF YOU MANIPULATIVE, CYNICAL, ATTENTION SEEKING ***** KIND OF POEM FOR YOU, **** EVERY GOOD SECOND I SPENT WITH YOU, ******* FOR LEAVING THE MORNING AFTER WITHOUT A GOODNIGHT KISS, ******* FOR WALKING AWAY AND **** ME FOR WATCHING YOU GO, ******* FOR MAKING MY VEINS LIGHT UP AND LASTLY ******* FOR MAKING ME THINK I COULD MAKE LOVE OUT OF ONLY WORDS

**** EVERY PERSON WHO TOLD ME I NEEDED TO LOSE WEIGHT, **** EVERY PERSON WHO TOLD ME I NEEDED TO GAIN WEIGHT, **** THAT KID IN THE 9TH GRADE WHO TOLD ME THAT MAYBE HE'D **** ME IF I WAS 20 POUNDS THINNER, **** THE PSYCHOLOGIST WHO TOLD ME TO "STAY SKINNY" SO "ALL THE BOYS WILL LIKE ME", ******* FOR TELLING ME YOU COULDN'T FILL UP THE GAP IN BETWEEN MY THIGHS, ******* FOR TELLING ME I NEEDED MORE HERE AND LESS THERE, **** THEM FOR TELLING ME TO ORDER SALAD INSTEAD, I LIKE THE TWO BIRTHMARKS ON MY STOMACH, I LIKE THE SCARS ON MY THIGHS THAT DON'T TOUCH, I LIKE THE SPACES BETWEEN MY FINGERS, **** EVERYONE WHO CONVINCED ME MY HAPPINESS DEPENDED ON WHAT THEIR HANDS FELT LIKE ON MY WAIST OR SOME STUPID NUMBERS ON A SCALE

Dear A, you shine brighter than all the moons and stars together,
That light evened out with the darkness in me,
Dear B, I never noticed how sad you were,
Never noticed you were falling apart,
The absence of your voice would ruin the chorus,
Please don't leave me,
Dear C, You loved someone other than me,
and I never learned how to turn that into poetry,
Dear D, you showed me the best kinds of songs when you were sad,
When you were reminded of how much you missed her,
You found a girl with gentle hands and a want to love you now,
I miss you sometimes,
Dear E, I still hear you singing in every park I go to,
I still love you on 2:01 AMs,
Dear F, your ******* stories about loving me never fouled me,
I fell anyways,
Dear G, you talked of planting a garden with me,
But a past love held my seed,
In between bruises and cuts,
Dear H, you helped my skin remember the miracle of itself,
Dear I, I like to consider you my first love,
Your lips tasted like cigarette butts and addiction,
and your skin on mine remind me of depression and mid night demons,
Dear J, I loved you with all my soul,
and that love was the most precious thing,
I carry it always,
Dear K, I thought you were it,
But the the alphabet doesn't end at k,
Dear L, we talked about our dads inbetween thrusts,
I've never wanted to hate him so much,
Dear M, You were my 5 foot promise but your hands couldn't hold the secrets I lent,
Yet if I could I would nail these hands to the edges of compromise,
Dear N, my parents have never been in love,
But if it wasn't for them ******* in the back seat of a car I wouldn't have felt you pressed upon my skin,
Dear O, Sitting next to you at that lake in the middle of spring made me want to take a 7 hour drive up north just to see the leaves change colors,
and I fell like an autumn afternoon,
Dear P, your hands had touched more of the world than I could ever imagine while mine lined up with horizontal cuts,
Dear Q, I spent too much time imagining your fingers and how they move while you played that guitar,
I miss the way those same hands felt on my waist,
Dear R, we weren't a lesbian couple,
we were just two people who were very much in love with each other,
Dear S, I wrote a million poems trying to give it a name,
trying to get you closer to me,
but the lick stained corners of the pages were never embodied in you,
Dear T, I have all the butterflies I've ever felt for you in a box, somewhere deep in my closet,
Dear U, when I asked you if you loved me,
your lips curled up at the sides and I only saw me in between all the cracks
Dear V, Instead of you showing up, the rain did,
Dear W, Sometimes I remember how much I loved you and I want to cut up my body I'm no poet, not really,
Dear X, I spoke you into everything I did and loving you was the only thing I had ever felt good at,
Dear Y, my love stuttered more than it should've,
My love tripped over things,
My love said things that shouldn't have been said far too often,
Dear Z, I haven't met you yet

8:28 pm
It was so ******* stupid to think I could mend you, fix you,
but you changed and i'm sick,
sick of you,
sick of your pathetic stories about ******* and smoking and ******* up a chance at a decent life,
manipulative, backstabbing, *******,
I cared for you, I cried for you,
but I'm saying goodbye now,
and 5 years from now in between your lonely 4 in the mornings when you're too wasted to think correctly and in bed with someone who doesn't even know your name,
I hope the early morning breeze against your ****** breath and burning cigarette reminds you of me
IC

I didn't feel anything,
But sometimes squirms of I love yous made their way into my root canals,
And if your lips ever meet someone else's I hope they make you a better person
I hope they shake your world
And I hope you feel it throughout your whole body,
I won't cry
I won't text
I won't call,
I will love you,
I will be yours,
Even if you are not mine

I HATE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU, I HATE HOW I SEE WHERE YOU LAY YOUR KISSES EVERY TIME I LOOK IN THE MIRROR, I HATE HOW TRACES OF YOU STAIN EVERY INCH OF MY BODY, I'M NO ******* POET, I KNOW HOW TO WRITE NOTHING ELSE BUT YOU, **** THE CURL OF YOUR LIPS, **** THE TOUCH OF YOUR SKIN, **** HOW YOU LOVED THE DEPRESSION OUT OF ME, THIS WASN'T A ROMANCE, YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL, I DIDN'T EAT FOR THREE DAYS WHEN YOU LEFT BECAUSE EVERYTHING TASTED OF YOU AND I HOPE WHEN YOUR LIPS MEET SOMEONE ELSE'S THEY MAKE YOU BITTER NOT BETTER

In school they taught me what made up an atom,
But they never taught me me how it would feel to be in love with every single one of yours,
They taught me the times tables,
But they never taught me how I would never get tired of your lips no matter how many times we kissed,
They taught me how to differentiate an animal cell from a plant cell,
But they never taught me how to get the image of us out of my head,
I learned English,
But you spoke in the language of touch instead,
I read Shakespeare,
But you taught me that being fingered in the middle of a park could be just as romantic,
In biology I learned about the respiratory and the circulatory system,
But the rhythm of your breath would never match my heartbeat,
The teachers told me I could write poetry,
That maybe someday I'd live to be something,
But little did they know I only knew how to write you inbetween lines of loneliness,
Only knew how to restrict your soul to 26 letters,
26 letters that couldn't make you stay,
In school I learned the miracle of the skin healing itself,
But you taught me that the scars on my wrists weren't a miracle, weren't beautiful, weren't meant to be touched or caressed,
Inbetween these things you taught me how to live,
But I never learned how to forget being in love with you

Childhood remembrances are always a battle,
To remember vs. not to remember,
My first year attending school
School administration told me I had to wear a skirt because that's what "ladies wore",
In the first grade
My father loved,
And my mother cried,
That same year
The girls in my class asked me how many pretty boys and lustful girls I would have to kiss to realize that's not how you find love,
I didn't realize until many years after,
What I did realize that year was that when I wrote my dad's last name next to my first name on the top of my paper I didn't feel so alone,
Even if my mom's had two more letters, each filled with more love than his could ever hold,
But never enough to make him stay,
In the second grade
Two little kids asked me whether I was a boy or a girl and I wanted to say neither, I wanted to say both,
In the third grade
I learned that if I wrote enough words on a single paper the footnotes would eventually grow a heartbeat,
In the fourth grade
Your kisses healed my bruises and your touch closed my wounds,
You taught me that it's important that my skin remember the miracle of itself,
My childhood ended when,
I learned that just because the poem ended didn't mean I had to end with it

I remember the first time you leaned in to kiss me,

The way you held my waist gave me faith,
And I could recite the words on your lips with the same fluency a priest could recite prayers,

I remember how the taste of cigarette butts and addiction told me more about your sins than your words ever could,
And the skin of your fingers and how you held my hand as if it could've would've cured your depression,

Your touch against my skin felt like wedding vows in front of a priest,
Yet my hand trembled like a Saturday stripper at Sunday mass and not even god himself could stop it,

The way your body looked that night gave meaning to the word "miracle",
And how heavenly you looked under the moonlight could make a Christian want to be loyal to someone other than Jesus Christ,

My dear, I hear your voice behind the religious advice my parents gave me, "she's no good for you, she's no good for you",
And I remember how we drowned all the memorized bible verses in alcohol and sweat,

I still remember how I knew that you'd be leaving and how I wept into god's fists, "don't let me fall in love, don't let me fall in love",
And how we'd always find a way to sin, no matter the countless efforts made by nuns,

I remember how you smiled in between kisses, like 7 year old footsies at mass,
And I can hear the silence in the confessionary booth, and how I wanted to kiss you for a thousand light years,

I promised I wouldn't let it fall a p a r t, like god promised when he made the rainbow,
Yet the rainbow looks more familiar than you now a days,

So, dear, no matter how we fell apart nevertheless, I hold you sweetly in my ocean, like rosaries stuck in between pages,
And I never doubted you how I doubted whether god would help me through  nights like these,

And if god gave me this soul,
I will repay him by loving you with all of it,

And I will never forget how your lips danced while you told me you would kiss me till the end,
But those same lips would grow arms and shut the doors into heaven closed

I am a box of Red Marlboro cigarettes,
the kind that costs $7 at those towns were? where? the hope has been long gone,
You can find my leftovers at playgrounds along with sad teeangers whose hands cannot hold all the broken dreams rotting in their hearts,
Not the nicotine free kind with no chemicals,
I'm the kind that burns your insides,
the kind that destroys you from your soul outward,
the kind that you chain smoke on your balcony with the lover your mother can't stand,
I am 2 a.m.s in between your index and *******,
inhale, exhale
I can introduce you to hell when your lips meet mine,
I make your girlfriend taste of cigarette butts and addiction,
and her lips on mine remind you of depression and the midnight demons,
but you love her just as much as she loves me and you won't ever leave,
I am the stench on your father's shirt that disguises the other women's perfume,
I create elaborate bruises that run up your veins, hitting it's walls as I go,
They were right,
your teachers were right,
your parents were right,
that religious aunt you only saw at family reunions every once in a blue moon was right,
I am no good, I am death,
but I remind you that you are alive

Dear ex-lover, ex-friend,
our mug still sits on my kitchen counter
my father still brings you up
my mother still asks about you
and every night when she serves me tea
it's in
our mug
when I'm having my 3 ams
our mug comforts me like you never could
when I need to remember how you almost loved me
I bring it down, dust it off and kiss its lips with mine
I wish I would stop doing that
I wish you would come back
you said that wherever we were going
we were going together
but the sun set and the moon took its place
and now I have left is your mug