8:28 pm
It was so ******* stupid to think I could mend you, fix you,
but you changed and i'm sick,
sick of you,
sick of your pathetic stories about ******* and smoking and ******* up a chance at a decent life,
manipulative, backstabbing, *******,
I cared for you, I cried for you,
but I'm saying goodbye now,
and 5 years from now in between your lonely 4 in the mornings when you're too wasted to think correctly and in bed with someone who doesn't even know your name,
I hope the early morning breeze against your ****** breath and burning cigarette reminds you of me
IC

I didn't feel anything,
But sometimes squirms of I love yous made their way into my root canals,
And if your lips ever meet someone else's I hope they make you a better person
I hope they shake your world
And I hope you feel it throughout your whole body,
I won't cry
I won't text
I won't call,
I will love you,
I will be yours,
Even if you are not mine

I HATE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU, I HATE HOW I SEE WHERE YOU LAY YOUR KISSES EVERY TIME I LOOK IN THE MIRROR, I HATE HOW TRACES OF YOU STAIN EVERY INCH OF MY BODY, I'M NO ******* POET, I KNOW HOW TO WRITE NOTHING ELSE BUT YOU, **** THE CURL OF YOUR LIPS, **** THE TOUCH OF YOUR SKIN, **** HOW YOU LOVED THE DEPRESSION OUT OF ME, THIS WASN'T A ROMANCE, YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL, I DIDN'T EAT FOR THREE DAYS WHEN YOU LEFT BECAUSE EVERYTHING TASTED OF YOU AND I HOPE WHEN YOUR LIPS MEET SOMEONE ELSE'S THEY MAKE YOU BITTER NOT BETTER

In school they taught me what made up an atom,
But they never taught me me how it would feel to be in love with every single one of yours,
They taught me the times tables,
But they never taught me how I would never get tired of your lips no matter how many times we kissed,
They taught me how to differentiate an animal cell from a plant cell,
But they never taught me how to get the image of us out of my head,
I learned English,
But you spoke in the language of touch instead,
I read Shakespeare,
But you taught me that being fingered in the middle of a park could be just as romantic,
In biology I learned about the respiratory and the circulatory system,
But the rhythm of your breath would never match my heartbeat,
The teachers told me I could write poetry,
That maybe someday I'd live to be something,
But little did they know I only knew how to write you inbetween lines of loneliness,
Only knew how to restrict your soul to 26 letters,
26 letters that couldn't make you stay,
In school I learned the miracle of the skin healing itself,
But you taught me that the scars on my wrists weren't a miracle, weren't beautiful, weren't meant to be touched or caressed,
Inbetween these things you taught me how to live,
But I never learned how to forget being in love with you

Childhood remembrances are always a battle,
To remember vs. not to remember,
My first year attending school
School administration told me I had to wear a skirt because that's what "ladies wore",
In the first grade
My father loved,
And my mother cried,
That same year
The girls in my class asked me how many pretty boys and lustful girls I would have to kiss to realize that's not how you find love,
I didn't realize until many years after,
What I did realize that year was that when I wrote my dad's last name next to my first name on the top of my paper I didn't feel so alone,
Even if my mom's had two more letters, each filled with more love than his could ever hold,
But never enough to make him stay,
In the second grade
Two little kids asked me whether I was a boy or a girl and I wanted to say neither, I wanted to say both,
In the third grade
I learned that if I wrote enough words on a single paper the footnotes would eventually grow a heartbeat,
In the fourth grade
Your kisses healed my bruises and your touch closed my wounds,
You taught me that it's important that my skin remember the miracle of itself,
My childhood ended when,
I learned that just because the poem ended didn't mean I had to end with it

I remember the first time you leaned in to kiss me,

The way you held my waist gave me faith,
And I could recite the words on your lips with the same fluency a priest could recite prayers,

I remember how the taste of cigarette butts and addiction told me more about your sins than your words ever could,
And the skin of your fingers and how you held my hand as if it could've would've cured your depression,

Your touch against my skin felt like wedding vows in front of a priest,
Yet my hand trembled like a Saturday stripper at Sunday mass and not even god himself could stop it,

The way your body looked that night gave meaning to the word "miracle",
And how heavenly you looked under the moonlight could make a Christian want to be loyal to someone other than Jesus Christ,

My dear, I hear your voice behind the religious advice my parents gave me, "she's no good for you, she's no good for you",
And I remember how we drowned all the memorized bible verses in alcohol and sweat,

I still remember how I knew that you'd be leaving and how I wept into god's fists, "don't let me fall in love, don't let me fall in love",
And how we'd always find a way to sin, no matter the countless efforts made by nuns,

I remember how you smiled in between kisses, like 7 year old footsies at mass,
And I can hear the silence in the confessionary booth, and how I wanted to kiss you for a thousand light years,

I promised I wouldn't let it fall a p a r t, like god promised when he made the rainbow,
Yet the rainbow looks more familiar than you now a days,

So, dear, no matter how we fell apart nevertheless, I hold you sweetly in my ocean, like rosaries stuck in between pages,
And I never doubted you how I doubted whether god would help me through  nights like these,

And if god gave me this soul,
I will repay him by loving you with all of it,

And I will never forget how your lips danced while you told me you would kiss me till the end,
But those same lips would grow arms and shut the doors into heaven closed

I am a box of Red Marlboro cigarettes,
the kind that costs $7 at those towns were? where? the hope has been long gone,
You can find my leftovers at playgrounds along with sad teeangers whose hands cannot hold all the broken dreams rotting in their hearts,
Not the nicotine free kind with no chemicals,
I'm the kind that burns your insides,
the kind that destroys you from your soul outward,
the kind that you chain smoke on your balcony with the lover your mother can't stand,
I am 2 a.m.s in between your index and *******,
inhale, exhale
I can introduce you to hell when your lips meet mine,
I make your girlfriend taste of cigarette butts and addiction,
and her lips on mine remind you of depression and the midnight demons,
but you love her just as much as she loves me and you won't ever leave,
I am the stench on your father's shirt that disguises the other women's perfume,
I create elaborate bruises that run up your veins, hitting it's walls as I go,
They were right,
your teachers were right,
your parents were right,
that religious aunt you only saw at family reunions every once in a blue moon was right,
I am no good, I am death,
but I remind you that you are alive