you wanted me for yourself
but you also wanted others
to want you
you wanted their hungry looks
their hands on your knee,
your back,
your neck,
your chest...
you wanted their flirtatious whispers,
the smell of their breath as they leaned in,
hoping to kiss your lips
you wanted others to want you so much that
you forgot about me

your kiss was the
best
and
worst
thing to ever happen to me

seeing you makes
my heart flutter
my head spin
my knees go weak
and beads of sweat to form

now, seeing you causes
those same reactions,
but it feels more like the flu
than love

you promised you would be there, after
that our friendship was too important to lose

i don't think you meant to lie,
but you did

my mistake was believing you

I woke up this morning and it happened
the same thing at first

I looked for you and I found you
(posting pictures to Facebook with your new friends)
(posing for Snapchats of your shots and your beer pong skills, because it's important that people know you're fun!)

I looked for you and I found you
(******* up to others, proving your worth)
(doing what you want in the moment and forgetting about everything else, because you can explain it all away tomorrow)

I looked for you and I found you
and I used to feel
(jealousy, because I have never understood why everyone else matters more than me)
(anger, because I am so tired of the wanting, the waiting, the wishing, the what ifs, and the why am I not good enoughs)

I woke up this morning and it happened
I looked for you and I found you
and finally
I didn't feel

Addicted to
Liquor
Beer
Wine
The buzz

Addicted to
Snacks
Dinner
2nd dinner
Excess

Addicted to
Painkillers
Creating pain
Numbing pain

Addicted to
Worry

Addicted to
Self-doubt

Addicted to
negativity

Addicted to
Distraction

Addicted to
Secrecy

Addicted to
Escape

Always
Escape

there are ants crawling
underneath my door,
up the side of my trashcan,
onto my counter,
into my room.

spraying them,
creating boundaries,

reminds me.

i am not the only one
who always feels like my presence is

an imposition.

lies heavy upon me

in the mashed potatoes to my left
the beer on my right

the "if onlys"
and
"what ifs"
that weigh on my heart

the
"i'll get up and run!"
followed by
"****, i'm too tired."

the
"help me,
come to this,
i need you,
don't forget the early meeting,
we need you,
come over here now,
help me."

step by step by step by step by step by step

the day progresses

and ends in a
beer to my right
mashed potatoes to my left

i will always run

tomorrow.

i feel confident
state my opinion
stand my ground

then, defeated,
i wonder
did i imagine it all?
i feel crazy

life is most comfortable
assuming
and
embracing

the fact that i am most often
wrong

Drunken

Decisions

Destroy

Days

You have to stop
Drinking
Eating
Being tired

Don't be so emotional

Lose weight
Smile more
Work harder
Stop being like this

(Can't you just)
be better

Constant
Consuming all thought

Everywhere

"I won't give in!"

And then,
I do

"Say what you mean!"
But when I say it,
you respond with,
"But you shouldn't feel
that way."

Feel
But Don't

Say it
But Don't

if you could
S.T.O.P.
feeling the WRONG way
in the first place

"We wouldn't be having this
conversation."

Every day
EVERY
DAY

My day
embodies
insanity

I go to sleep
thinking
(hoping, wishing
promising?
{lying}
hoping)

That tomorrow
(today)
I'll be better

I'll be different

My days will start
with coffee
(only coffee)

I will skip the
vices
that call to me

That tell me
you want this
(you need us)

We will not let you
survive
without us

You must
You
must

Imbibe

You chose us

And now
there is no
escape

Welcome to
your
life.

This is your choice.

lately these images appear
uninvited
unwanted

but so very
real

a gun to my head
held in my own hand
finger on the trigger

afraid
yet
confident

I dont want this
but
my mind
pulls the trigger

every day

what do you do when happiness is
darkened
by your own mind

what do you do when your
own mind
tells you to die?

I dont want this
but
it won't stop

Just love me
Please
That's all
I ask

I just want
your
love
affection
attention

I just want
You

I just want
to be
near you
close to you
next to you

I just want
to feel you
touch you
kiss you

I just want
to know
that you
want
me

I just
want
you

Sometimes, those words you throw
so carelessly
Hit hard enough to leave
welts
red marks
bruises

They often nick the skin,
Reopen old wounds,
and occasionally
Sever
an artery

One of these days
I
just
might
Bleed out

All day I
Dream
of the night

When I will
lie next to you
pull you close

and fit the
perfect curves
of your
perfect body
to mine.

You and I,
we're matching
pieces

I think...

I might not
Deserve
YOU

God, that scares me

But I think

It's
True

You deserve
Someone

Who sparkles,
and shimmers,
and shines,
like
YOU
do

When I look in the mirror,
I don't even see a glimmer

And that's not
Fair

To
YOU

YOU
deserve the
World


And I
want to be the world for
YOU

But I don't know that
I
am the world you deserve

Because you deserve someone who
sparkles,
and shimmers,
and shines.

I want to
Shine
for
*YOU

At night
I long
(to touch your skin)

In my dreams
I long
(to touch your skin)

In the morning
I long
(to touch your skin)

During the day
I long
(to touch your skin)

I long
(for you)
Always

I don't
Understand

My own
Unhappiness

It's mine
But
It shouldn't be.

My life is
Wonderful
Blessed

Full of
Wonderful
Blessed
People

And yet
Sometimes

I am
Overwhelmed
by a sense of
Despair

Unfounded
Without substance
But so very
Real.

Yet I am so
Lucky
so
Blessed.

I must be a
Terrible Person
or
Cursed.

Because if not,
I just don't
Understand.

What happens when
I have no
new
ideas?

Is it
possible?

Or have I lost
faith
in my own
feelings,
my own
thoughts?

Life
baffles me
constantly.

Why?

just want

to kiss
you

and hug
you

and be with
you

Always

You
light up my
World

Wake
(and bake)

Wake
and partake

of drugs,
of alcohol,

but of life?

No way

I see things
Happen
every day

And these days
all that runs through my
Mind

is

Why?

Imagine
Create
Look at the world with
Wonder
Believe
Trust

Then,
Insults
Rejection
Confusion
Why?

­Attempt
Friendship
Acceptance
Happiness

Encounter
Insults
Rejection
Confusion
Reality
Why?

Attempt
Attempt
Attempt

Failure

Depression­
Drugs
Alcohol
Anxiety

Attempt
Death
Encounter
Failure

Again and
Again and
Again

Re-evaluate
Consider
a Future

Try
Try
Again

I knew you
or knew of
you

I almost
knew you
I suppose

But I didn't get
the chance.
I'm not sure if
the chance
was offered
or not.

I don't know if
I could have been
your friend,
a confidant,
(your savior?)
I don't know that
I could have
helped.

But maybe...
I could have
said something,
done something,
simply sat in your
presence
until you felt

like existance was
managable.
Until you felt
worthy,
valued,
realized your importance.

Until you felt
like you could
stay.
(God, how I
wish you had
stayed)

But before I got the chance...

You put that gun to your  head.

You put that noose around your neck.

You put that knife to your wrist.

You took one or two pills,
too many.

You left me here.

ALL of you,
(even if I never knew you)
left me here,
and I'll never know if
I could have

Helped

If I could have
helped make it
okay,
manageable,
real,
made you feel loved.
(because I would have loved you)

But I want you to know...

I wanted to.

Life

Ideas
put down

Thoughts
smashed
rejected

People
humiliated
insulted
thrown away

We are like
Ideas
Constantly changing
always encountering
Opposition
Rejection
Degredation.

I hope things
change

but I don't
know
that I
believe

...means nothing
to anybody.

The teachers that try to help us,
work day and night,
neglect their families
to think about
their students,
we ridicule,
insult
roll our eyes at,
attempt to intimidate.

The older man
standing at the door of
your grocery store,
who smiles and says
"Hello, How are you?!"
We glare at, or
ignore,
we brush him away,
and deny his
importance,
his existence.

The parents
who work so hard
and care
so much
for their children
are cussed at
ridiculed
insulted
rejected
treated like they are
Nothing
of no importance.

When someone
accidentially bumps into us
we respond with
"*******!"
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"
"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"
Instead of,
"Excuse me."

We all lament this
world of conflict
that exists.

We mourn the
death
of respect,
of common courtesy.

And yet we do nothing.

Are we people?
Or have we become animals?

I used to think I knew the answer,
I stayed positive,
but now...

I'm just not sure.

Most of the time I'm a ****** up
**** up.
Stumbling through my days blindly
Leaving wreckage in my wake.

Here, I'm sober
"Clean"
But you take away getting ****** up
and you're still left with

THE

**** up.

Because sometimes, being
pathetic and horrible
just comes naturally.

It becomes fused with your soul,
becomes a part of you
unfixable
unending
unacceptable

But still your reality

The part of you that you most want to
change
but can't.

And so you think,
I might as well drink,
I might as well die

But when you think like that
you know,
those thoughts will lead you to drink...
...and then you will die.

So the question is,
Does it matter?
Do you matter?

I really don't know.

You were just a child
(but you wouldn't agree with that.
you were just an adolescent,
embarking on the adventure of
adulthood)

And so was I

We grew up together
played together
laughed together
loved together

Shared secrets,
laughter,
pain.

Shared trimuphs,
trials,
tribulations.

And then came...

Distance.

For both of us.

We lived our own lives,
got through each struggle  
"on our own"

fought our
individual
battles.

Reconnected

here

and

there.

Never the same.

And then,
IT
happened.

IT

Which we can't talk about,
and we couldn't talk about before.

Because it's too dark,
or depressing,
unreal,
or just
too much.

But it was real.
And I felt it.

And did...

Nothing.

And now you're gone
and there's no turning back
no fixing anything
no telling you you're important
and amazing
and inspiring
and real
and serving a purpose
and just

******* alive

There's no turning back

now

There was
but I ignored it,
let it slide
thought I was doing the
"right thing"

I made a mistake.
And now you're gone....
And I wonder,

Why are any of us still

Here?

Take things
Slow
They say

Don't move too fast

Love takes time
You have to cultivate it
Learn how to
Truely
Love someone

Understandable
But
Unrealistic

Because
Life
Doesn't stop for anyone

Life

Moves quickly
Changes constantly
Keeps you on your toes

You could get hit by a car
Or shot on the street
Or get cancer
Or have a heart attack

At any time
On any day

Life
doesn't stop for anyone

So if you fall in love
Love hard
Go all out
Invest yourself
Make it real

If it doesn't work out
Move on

But if it does,
if it does...
Embrace it.
Love with all you have
Give all you have
Don't hold back

We are not guaranteed tomorrow

So I will love with all my heart
Today

She's crazy

She was a student
a scholar, a biology major
she excelled at being smart
hated her life
left college and followed her
passion for art
"She went crazy."

She was a mother
a wife
trapped in her life
a life she chose, but didn't want to
so she left, ran away
started over.
"She went crazy."

She was wanted by men
beautiful, charming, adored
dated many
could have gotten married
but didn't. She chose happiness...
by leaving men behind, for a woman
"She went crazy."

She was an alcoholic
and went through the DT's
Ran through the street
In her nightgown
Yelling about spiders
and fear
"She went crazy."

Crazy

She's

Crazy

Aren't we all?

I am the
SAME
as you

I work in your community
I live in your world
I contribute
(too much)
to Capitalism
by frequenting your local stores
and buying
WAY
more items than
I need

I vote for your President
your Congress
your Governor,
I participate in politics because
I care
about the way
our world
functions.

And yet I'm not equal
I'm not "the same."

As if any of us even know what being
"the same"
means anymore

When I dated men you
ALL
applauded me, praised me

Even when I dated total
*******
people said,

"Well you're just too good for him.
But you're such a great person for
being able to see past his
'rough' exterior"

I saw past
SO MANY
'rough exteriors'

And I was miserable
And I forced myself to
PRETEND
to be happy.
And loved
And love-ING.

But then
SHE
walked into my life.

SHE
had been there for awhile,
but I shoved the feelings to the side
because they're
NOT RIGHT

NOT
acceptable

NOT
real

NOT
important

Be with a man they say.
And I followed their rules.

Which lead to alcoholism
drugs
depression
suicide after suicide after suicide,
never
accomplished.

Which reinforced the fact that
my life would be full of
Failure.

And then came the kiss
(when my lips met her perfect lips)
that opened my eyes,
and changed my life.

Now, I may be
Unequal
Rejected
Frowned upon

BUT

There is no frown upon
my face.

For my world is
Complete
Authetic
Rewarding
Real

And I wouldn't change that
to cultivate the appearance of
Equal.

I look forward
to closing
my eyes

Because I get
to open them
and see

You

A Vietnamese student
sits in class

Two students
snicker
insult
put her down
for being

different.

While they wear
yoga pants whose
tags stick out

and read
"Made in Vietnam"

Money

     Corruption
     Change

             Loss
                   Devestation
                   Descent

   Stress
    Stress
    Stress

    Earn

Money

Work
    Hard
     Harder

   More
       Need
   More

Always

    Never
       Enough

Just
  Try

Survive

Yesterday I looked at you
(looking at me)
and wanted to say
"You mean so much to me."

So much
You mean
So much

But what does
(so much)
mean

You mean
so much
more
than
so much

To me,

you mean the world

you mean light, brilliance, fire

you mean forever, eternity, a beautiful life

you mean electric tingles, bursts of blinding light

you mean passion, happiness, peace

you mean love that changes my life for the better

you mean
so much
more
than
so much

Humanity

hates
(loves)

kills
(creates life)

hurts
(heals)

Every action
has an
equal
and
opposite

reaction.

To love or
hate?

To heal
or hurt?

To act
or react?

To each
their own.

Humanity
decides
it's own
fate.

I wake to a
brilliant
light every morning
that comes not from the windows, but
radiates
from the beautiful creature
lying next to me.

My world
sparkles
shimmers
shines.

When I look at her
I can see why people say
the world
is beautiful.

My world
has been set
ablaze.

two months.

it's been two months.

two months out of eight.

one-fourth of an entire relationship.

a relationship that ended before it began.

so why am i still dealing with the reprecussions of
the ending?

the end is supposed to be it,
correct?

False.

people refuse to let things go.

why do we want people,

who don't want

us?

we cling to them,
cry,
and beg,
and plead.

And they reject,
or ignore.

And we get angry.

But
WHY?

love yourself.
respect yourself.

and if someone doesn't love you for you,

for God's sake...

Move on.

"We see people as we are,
not as they are."

So true.

What do we really know
about the people we encounter,

the friends we have,
even
our families.

Everything we see,
might not be
real.

Eerie, right?

But life is only about perception.

We all see things differently.

So is anything actually real?

Happiness
does not come to those who
wait for it
to come their way.

Happiness
comes to those who
work for
and actively
seek it out.

You
choose the direction
your life
takes.

Brilliant light
flashes before my eyes,
dances across my skin.

My very soul pulses,
electric
Your light drives away
the shadows of my past.

Illuminating a future filled with happiness.

To me,
YOU are perfection.

People often seem to enjoy
living in
delusion.

Deep in their souls,
they know they live
unauthentic lives.

Yet
following society's rules seems
easier,
more imperative,
than following their own hearts.

How many people out there are genuinely happy?

How many detest their existence,
like I did
Wishing they were
strong enough
to follow their feelings

instead of following the flock?

I stumble inside and sit upon the couch.

Waiting

Eternity passes,
or maybe it's only been a second,
and then

SHE

walks in,
emitting a light of such brilliance
such intensity
that my whole world is set on fire.

I burn from the inside out.
My biggest fear was always burning to death,
yet I find myself in Heaven,
consumed by flames.

Slowly she collapses next to me
Skin to skin
we sit,
I tingle,
filled with electric heat

and then...

Movement

Fingers digging into my side
she grabs me.

The most exquisite pain I can imagine

"This isn't right, you're a GIRL"

The words float in the air,
suspended,
and then explode into beams of light
as her lips
finally
meet mine.

Happiness?

*******, it exists.

It starts with a smile
It always starts with a smile.
I smile because I'm friendly,
and people like friendly...
Right?
Right...
People love friendly.
[Men] love friendly.
Because apparently,
Friendly equates to easy.

And so it begins.

"Hey, you seem cool,
We should hang out sometime."
Say the boys (men?) boys
In my class,
At work,
At parties.
"Okay!" I say,
Because he's cute, or funny, or smart, or possibly just
Different
From all the others.
And sometimes he is.
But sometimes...

You get to his house
To "hang out"
Because that's what people do apparently,
They "hang out"
Ask me on a date?
Laughable
I don't know that it has ever happened.
But tthey have no problem inviting me to hang.

And I go along with it.
Because we all want someone, something
And maybe this is just the way things work for my generation...
Right?

And once you get to the house
You're invited to sit on the couch.
Relax
Smoke
Have a drink
"I thought we'd watch a movie or somethin'"
...or somethin'

So the movie begins (because why get to know each other?)
And suddenly
It becomes less about the movie, and more
About the somethin'
I'm not asking for somethin'

Regardless of my nose ring,
The jokes I make,
The drinks I had,
The dresses I wear,
And the fact that I agreed to watch a movie,
"or somethin'"
I didn't come here for somethin'
I'm not asking for somethin'

"No, let's just watch the movie."

He just moves close,
Pours another drink.
When I take a sip,
His hands begin to roam.

"Seriously, no thanks."

I think about leaving but...
This is just how guys are.
Or so I've been told.

"It's no big deal. Come on. You're being a *****."

Maybe I am being ridiculous.
For some reason I feel bad. But still.
I'm not asking for somethin'

"No."

Apparently, at this point,
No
Is not an option.

"You want this too. I like you."

The fight for territory begins,
A battle I quickloy lose.
Or resign myself to?
Maybe...I asked for this?
No. I'm not asking for somethin'

Shame. Anger. I walk out alone.
How did I let this happen

AGAIN?

Guilt. Then rage.

And this time, I refuse to play the victim.
I refuse to blame myself, to keep taking this,
Because "that's just how guys are."

I didn't ask for this.
I NEVER did.

Providing drinks and entertainment doesn't mean I owe you somethin'

My dress doesn't mean I'm asking for somethin'

I am done feeling responsible,
Keeping silent,
Blaming myself.

When did men start believing that
my smile
means I'm asking for somethin'?

I'm asking for something
Not
Somethin'

Darkness suffocates me.
Ever-present blackness fights to enter my bloodstream
Worming its way through my pores
While tendrils of grey fog claw at my eyes
Obscuring my vision

Suddenly a light appears.
The tendrils retreat,
Skittering into the surrounding shadows
White fire circled by a hazy purple brilliance,
Floating in my direction

A positive thought.
Possibility
“I am a good listener.”
Corny, yes
But I like that
For a moment, I like me

Connection
Brilliant fire envelops
Light radiates from within me
A supernova, I shine overwhelmingly
Before collapsing in on myself

With the light gone
I lie in darkness,
but not despair.
Glowing dimly,
A flickering ember sits in the corner

Hope

Once upon a harvest moon,
a timid gnome encountered a boisterous baboon.
“Whacha up to tonight?!” the baboon slurred,
yelling loud enough that the whole town heard.

‘You got this man,’ the shy gnome thought,
because for a baboon, she was kind of hot.
“Not much, ya know,” stated the gnome,
“I’ve just been hanging out at home.”

“Well that ain’t fun!” the baboon cried,
“You’ve gotta have fun, life’s supposed to be a crazy ride!”
Embarrassed, the gnome replied with a fib,
“Tonight was a fluke! I got out, I’m no Squib!”

Laughing she stated, “I think you’re a liar.”
“Oh really?” He retorted, “My pants aren’t on fire.”
She laughed, “HA HA HA! Good one honey,”
the baboon didn’t realize his joke was not funny.

Drunk as a skunk, she had no clue,
the meadow she was in was not Club Blue.
The gnome, however, thought things were going well,
trapped in the clutches of her womanly spell.

Being a bit nerdy he didn’t get out much,
the poor gnome had never even felt a woman’s touch.
Feeling bolder he decided to take a chance,
until he realized that the baboon had peed her pants.